Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband messaging escorts

61 replies

BrokenDown123 · 13/05/2021 02:30

Without getting in glory details just want to knw if anyone has been in similar situation and how it turned out.
So I've caught my husband searching and messaging escorts. Found out through old bills that's been going on for over 6 months. He is sorry but says his only been looking and messaging his never been to one. His makes appointments but then cancels them.
I'm trying to understand this can someone really message and make appointments with escorts for over 6 months and not actually go and see them? I'm I naive to believe him? Please let me know your experiences and thoughts. I have checked bank statements and there aren't any large cash withdrawals or any strange charges.

OP posts:
lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 08:25

He'd never get away with this for six months. He'd be blocked for being a time waster.

I'd be pretty mortified that my DH was wasting these women's time. It's not very nice is it. if he hasn't met anyone, and that's a huge IF, then he must have some kind of serious issue that he has become addicted to leading these women on with no intention of following through. What's he getting out of it?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 13/05/2021 08:47

Do you have a daughter OP?

If so, would you be happy for a man your H's age to pay to have sex with her?

Do you have a son?

If so, would you give him money to go and have sex with an escort?

By accepting what your H is doing, you are teaching your DC that it is ok to be paid &/or pay for sex. You are normalising this for them.

They will grow up in a household where one of their parents uses family money to pay for (normally) young girls to have sex with him.

If you don't think it's acceptable for your DC (& hopefully you don't) why should it be acceptable for you?

MissScotland101 · 13/05/2021 09:10

@lanatolater2

He'd never get away with this for six months. He'd be blocked for being a time waster.

I'd be pretty mortified that my DH was wasting these women's time. It's not very nice is it. if he hasn't met anyone, and that's a huge IF, then he must have some kind of serious issue that he has become addicted to leading these women on with no intention of following through. What's he getting out of it?

I understand what you’re saying but why should the OP care that her DH is wasting escorts time? That’s not her issue and there is something bigger at stake, like her marriage and family, time wasters are annoying in any business but it’s part and parcel of selling sex for a living, you’re going to get weirdos, time wasters, creeps etc, etc.

If my husband was wasting escorts time then I wouldn’t give 2 hoots! What wife that was getting cheated on would?!

Strange comment.

SunshineSuxx · 13/05/2021 09:24

Book yourself an STI test.

And book an appointment with a solicitor.

Jesus wept, of course he's paid for sex.

FrozenCucumberPresse · 13/05/2021 09:27

Wouldn’t matter a bit to me if it turned out he’d been cancelling and not showing up, he clearly in that case thinks it’s okay to waste a woman’s time who does that for a living just to get his rocks off. Time she could be spending doing anything else or arranging a paying booking. Whether he’s gone to see them and cheated on you or fucked around making fake bookings for kicks, either way is pretty sickening behaviour from a married man.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/05/2021 09:31

An escort in another thread said she had been doing it years and never had a cancellation from a married man. Only ones who ever cancelled were single guys.

It's such bs op. If he just wanted to talk then there are cam girls ect...he clearly wanted to meet women for sex. And did.

NameChangeChronicPain · 13/05/2021 09:32

@MissScotland101

It’s not a strange comment at all. It shows OP her husband has a deep lack of respect for women. He thinks it’s okay to fuck around with another woman’s time to get his rocks off for free. I’d be appalled at that tbh, almost as appalled as if he’d gone ahead with the booking and cheated on me. Either way he doesn’t come out of this looking good.

I mean, to even get to the stage where you’re making actual contact with sex workers and arranging bookings is pretty damn far over the line of fidelity. Whether he cancels it or not.

For the record I 100% believe he’s been going ahead with it and cheating. But even if he hadn’t, he’s still trash and not behaving in a way i would accept and expect from a husband.

lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 09:35

I'm not saying she should care about the escorts - I'm saying his behaviour towards them is pretty damning of his character and shows a general lack of respect, empathy and that if it were my husband I'd be questioning who I'd married that they're happy to spend six months wasting these women's time

MissScotland101 · 13/05/2021 09:37

[quote NameChangeChronicPain]@MissScotland101

It’s not a strange comment at all. It shows OP her husband has a deep lack of respect for women. He thinks it’s okay to fuck around with another woman’s time to get his rocks off for free. I’d be appalled at that tbh, almost as appalled as if he’d gone ahead with the booking and cheated on me. Either way he doesn’t come out of this looking good.

I mean, to even get to the stage where you’re making actual contact with sex workers and arranging bookings is pretty damn far over the line of fidelity. Whether he cancels it or not.

For the record I 100% believe he’s been going ahead with it and cheating. But even if he hadn’t, he’s still trash and not behaving in a way i would accept and expect from a husband.[/quote]
It is a strange comment imo because the comment that I quoted said that she would be mortified if her man wasted an escorts time, as if that’s the issue, what wife would give a shit about wasting an escort time?! Hmm the issue is that he is married and promised to be faithful and he is cheating on her, not that he is wasting escorts time!

Of course it isn’t looking good at all, but I just don’t think the OP should care about the escort, it’s the escorts business not the wife’s.

As much as people say that men are misogynistic for paying for sex then where would these escorts be if men didn’t pay for sex? Escorts want the money which means they need men to book them. Men just don’t see paying it for it the same way as women do.

Also I don’t know if you said it but someone said that an escort said it’s only ever married men that cancel, how would the escort know if a man was married unless she met him? It’s not something that escorts ask prior to booking.

lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 09:43

@MissScotland101 I'd definitely give a shit. It's mean and disrespectful and I wouldn't want a husband who thought that was an okay way to treat people. Plus it's weird and creepy

lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 09:46

Imagine if your DH constantly booked hair appointments at a hair salon and then never showed up. I wouldn't be with a twat who had such little regard for someone's tome and livelihood. Add to the the whole sexual element that he's obviously getting off on the whole thing. Yuk.

LimpLettice · 13/05/2021 09:47

God OP, that's shitty for you. Every single time there's one of these threads, he was always 'just' looking, 'just' messaging, every single time they turn out to have only done it once, only oral, only twice, then an 'addiction', they'll change, blah blah.

If you've the stomach for it, have a look at the UK Punting sites. Be warned, it's grotesque, but when you see how thousands of these men talk about their wives who they are duping and the women they pay to rape, your eyes will open. Sticking with one of them is not giving your children a family, it's tying them to a man who regularly pays to empty himself into a human being like a rubbish receptacle and risks your health when he does it.

MissScotland101 · 13/05/2021 09:48

[quote lanatolater2]@MissScotland101 I'd definitely give a shit. It's mean and disrespectful and I wouldn't want a husband who thought that was an okay way to treat people. Plus it's weird and creepy [/quote]
It wouldn’t be your first issue though would it, you find out your husband is contacting escorts for 6 months and wasting their time (this may be true if it’s lots of escorts but one escort wouldn’t allow that for 6 months, he would be blocked) then as a wife you wouldn’t really care about the escorts time as much as you would care about the betrayal, the lies, the marriage and the kids, maybe you can feel some sympathy for the escort later, but only after you yourself was okay, that was my point.

Anyway I call BS that he has only been looking, he wants to pay for sex and this is the problem, instead of speaking to his wife to tell her that he isn’t happy sex wise, or he is bored and wants somebody “different” then he takes the easy way out for him, like so many married men that pay for it, it’s also on the rise due to the internet, and it’s only going to get worse.

Lipz · 13/05/2021 09:48

Of course he's met up with them. There's lots of ways to pay and get the money. Taking money out in small amounts, Saying something was dearer than it was and hiding the money away. Not spending full amount on lunches, diesel, shopping etc hidden credit card the list goes on. They'll always lie to try escape been caught. Like my bil when he was caught red handed in bed with ow and he claimed they never had sex they were just sleeping. There's not a chance over 6 months he has cancelled all those bookings. The fact he even made the bookings should be enough to fuck him out. Who wants to stay with a dick who is looking elsewhere.

lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 09:51

I agree, Definitely not the first or worst issue. But one to consider I think.

namechange1032 · 13/05/2021 09:55

Without getting in glory details just want to knw if anyone has been in similar situation and how it turned out.

Yes, I have. He even brought them into my home and I met one once, and talked to her, thinking it was a work colleague. She slinked off pretty sharpish.

You need to get yourself to your GP or a GUM to make sure he hasn't given you anything OP.

What I do know is that once a man has formed this habit, he rarely if ever stops. My ex had an escort habit before we met but I obviously had no idea as he didn't tell me. He began to see escorts about two or so years into the relationship as I remember a distinct change in behaviour. He used to go away a lot for work and it started around then. You have no idea how long he's been doing this, eg he doesn't need to book in advance to visit massage parlours or pull up in a car.

OP you want to believe that he hasn't done it but he has. I found out because my ex had genital warts but he told me so many fucking lies before admitting the truth. He kept trying to convince me that he caught them off a towel. My mental health took a complete nose dive because I knew he'd cheated but he wouldn't tell me the truth.

OP your relationship is over and if I were you, unless you want an open relationship where he continues, I'd see a solicitor asap. He's obviously a complete piece of shit so he'll probably try and screw you over in the divorce as well. Might as well act quickly.

LaBellina · 13/05/2021 09:55

Gather evidence (screenshots etc) and hide it somewhere before he destroys it.

It doesn’t matter what other people think. Can you still live with him, knowing this?
Do you still trust him?

You don’t need to decide now, let it sink in, but gather evidence in case you decide later to divorce and get yourself checked for STI’s ASAP. And if you stay married to him and keep having sex, protect yourself.

Ihatesalad · 13/05/2021 10:04

Not only is this disgusting behaviour but it’s even more disgusting that it’s during a time of covid— utterly risking you catching it. These blokes are always the same, just messaging, never went ahead etc— what rubbish!

MissScotland101 · 13/05/2021 10:19

@namechange1032

Without getting in glory details just want to knw if anyone has been in similar situation and how it turned out.

Yes, I have. He even brought them into my home and I met one once, and talked to her, thinking it was a work colleague. She slinked off pretty sharpish.

You need to get yourself to your GP or a GUM to make sure he hasn't given you anything OP.

What I do know is that once a man has formed this habit, he rarely if ever stops. My ex had an escort habit before we met but I obviously had no idea as he didn't tell me. He began to see escorts about two or so years into the relationship as I remember a distinct change in behaviour. He used to go away a lot for work and it started around then. You have no idea how long he's been doing this, eg he doesn't need to book in advance to visit massage parlours or pull up in a car.

OP you want to believe that he hasn't done it but he has. I found out because my ex had genital warts but he told me so many fucking lies before admitting the truth. He kept trying to convince me that he caught them off a towel. My mental health took a complete nose dive because I knew he'd cheated but he wouldn't tell me the truth.

OP your relationship is over and if I were you, unless you want an open relationship where he continues, I'd see a solicitor asap. He's obviously a complete piece of shit so he'll probably try and screw you over in the divorce as well. Might as well act quickly.

Omg what a total bastard your ex is! Did he invite the escort to his home knowing that you could be home at any time? It’s bad to have her at yours anyway but to do it knowing there was a chance you’d be home is even worse! Some sick men get off on their wives catching them, I truly believe that men like this do hate women.

Yes to the addiction as well, how on earth anyone could be addicted to women degrading themselves for money baffles me, I guess he is one of those deluded types that believe escorts are nymphomaniacs Hmm and this is why they do that awful job, and some most likely don’t give a shit.

m0therofdragons · 13/05/2021 10:30

He’s sorry he’s been caught not sorry he did it - there’s a huge difference.

Say, best case scenario he didn’t sleep with anyone - 6 months of considering it, hiding it, betraying your trust... only you can know if you can forgive him and you don’t need to decide immediately. You need time to grieve for what you thought you had and move beyond raw emotions before deciding

namechange1032 · 13/05/2021 10:33

@MissScotland101 He was below scum of the earth. You don't know the half of it. Even then, he tried to make it about him and his feelings.

I think that by the time he was having sex in my bed with other women, he just didn't give a shit. He treated me with such contempt by that stage and I of course, had no idea what I'd done and kept asking him which made him even more contemptuous. I'm surprised that I didn't wake up with him banging away in bed beside me. It was part of a larger problem involving compulsory masturbation and porn use.

He passed on several STIs to me because he wasn't using condoms. I'm so fucking lucky that he didn't give me HIV. He was the absolute dregs. I feel grateful every single day that I'm no longer with him.

MissScotland101 · 13/05/2021 10:38

[quote namechange1032]@MissScotland101 He was below scum of the earth. You don't know the half of it. Even then, he tried to make it about him and his feelings.

I think that by the time he was having sex in my bed with other women, he just didn't give a shit. He treated me with such contempt by that stage and I of course, had no idea what I'd done and kept asking him which made him even more contemptuous. I'm surprised that I didn't wake up with him banging away in bed beside me. It was part of a larger problem involving compulsory masturbation and porn use.

He passed on several STIs to me because he wasn't using condoms. I'm so fucking lucky that he didn't give me HIV. He was the absolute dregs. I feel grateful every single day that I'm no longer with him.[/quote]
Omg total creep, thankfully you’re away from him now. My mum was married to a man like this once, except he was that tight there’s no way he would pay for it, he slept with women that had ‘reputations’ let’s just say.

Glad for you that you’ve gotten rid and are happy, I assume your happy anyway!Smile

Tlollj · 13/05/2021 10:42

I’d be extremely doubtful that he keeps making appointments and cancelling. Not convinced escorts would put up with it.

AmyLou100 · 13/05/2021 11:25

It takes a certain type of man to even have that type of mentality op. Once you are that type then it's already too far gone. Isn't knowing he has been doing this for a while enough for you? A complete family life - why is that an unhappy home? Does it not mean good role models, healthy relationships, trust?

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/05/2021 11:40

A happy single parent family is a complete family

Agreed... I don't know why people have this 'two parent or not a proper family' obsession and seem to put up endless piles of shit to maintain it.

He probably has a credit card you don't know about or takes out small amounts here and there. You don't search for a recipe for chocolate cake if you have no intention of making a chocolate cake do you?

His arse wouldnt touch the floor tbh.