Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ex's ex wanting to have dd number.

75 replies

unicornsarereal72 · 12/05/2021 18:58

I've not responded to this yet because I don't want to react with emotion.

Ex left me for ow. They were together a few years. I'm sure she likes dd and dd reports that she was kind. Etc I've no issues with her in anyway. And have never seen or had any contact with her. As there was never any need

When ex went awol for months on end she had no contact with dd either.

They have now split up. There are no joint siblings so not a relationship that will need to be maintained.

Dd has not had her phone number before. Dd is 8. And only has a phone so her dad can keep in touch more easily.

X has told dd today he is no longer with her. But would dd like her number to keep in touch?

Dd has asked me. Everything is screaming inside to say. Why would you.

But my sensible head feels it would probably fizzle out over time. So replied that it was a lovely idea to keep in touch.

What are other people's thoughts. Thank you.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 12/05/2021 21:55

I just handle things as best I can with the children's well being always coming first. Hence way I asked a wider audience here because my family and friends are not impartial.

Yes I do understand that and just for asking other people’s opinions it makes you seem like a good parent but there a lot of replies that are focussing just on your ex and/or the OW and not on your DD and I don’t think she should be punished because your ex cheated on you.

I just think If she wants to be in contact with OW then let her but if not then don’t. You say the phone doesn’t go to her dads so if you think anything is inappropriate then block straight away.

mummysharkk · 12/05/2021 21:57

I'd say no.

Good way to teach dd about life's ups and downs (sensitively).

I'd be worried

it's a way for ex to find out what ow is up to etc.
pressure on dd by ex to keep in contact
impact on dd if ow says she doesn't want contact.
impact on dd if they have contact then ow just stops messaging.
impact on dd if she gets upset if ow says she's doing something they used to enjoy together or if ow has new step child.
if they get on well then they want to meet up.
no control over what a an adult is saying to your child- worries if this was a bad break and ow wanted to get back at ex through dd.
what happens in future, does dd have a phone book of all her dads ex's?!

I don't thing your ex should have put this to dd- a child.
He should be at least discussing it with you first.

Meme69 · 12/05/2021 22:02

My ex, not my kids dad has regular contact with my children and so do his family. My ex and I thi k it's lovely that they still have good adult role models in their lives and they are spoilt rotten by them. My kids go out with them and it's lovely that they care enough to keep in touch with them. We have been apart for 3 years and it's worked fine. I don't get involved in fact my kids Dad is the one who arranges contact etc. It works for us. Obviously it might not for you.

Libelula21 · 12/05/2021 22:13

I’d be extremely worried about the OW having the phone number of the young child of a man she’s probably pissed off with. It may be amicable right now, but what if it becomes acrimonious?

Also, it could potentially create an open channel between your DD and the OH’s next boyfriend, whoever he might be.

Huge no from me.

Lovelydiscusfish · 12/05/2021 22:13

My DD was 8 when I split with my ex (not her dad). We had been living with him for about a year (I had 50/50 access arrangement at that point). Dd had holidayed with him, had Xmas with him, all sorts.

Out of nowhere he kicked me out (on our moving day to a house DD had also viewed with us). I still thought it was important for DD to keep in touch with him if she wanted to (she had spent a fair bit of time with him - he even did a day’s childcare for me every other week over the summer lockdown - i’m a key worker). So I set up a WhatsApp for them on my phone. And kind of instructed him to not be so much of a cunt as to cut off my daughter, and to keep in touch with her.

He tried. She wanted absolutely no part of it. Later, he tried to suggest taking her out for the day, and she still refused any part of it. She didn’t want anything to do with a man who had treated us both so badly.....

So my view would be, leave it up to your kid! At 8, they’re still not daft.....

Libelula21 · 12/05/2021 22:14

OW, not OH!

ninja · 12/05/2021 22:23

I enabled my kids to keep on touch with my ex's ex for a while as it all ended so suddenly.

But yes - it did all fizzle out in the end but in a far more gentle way

DroopyDaff · 12/05/2021 22:46

It should be the DD’s Dad doing that though SeaDad not the OP, if anyone causes the DD to have abandonment issues it’ll be him! The OP should not have to deal with contact with his ex’s and it’s her that’ll be dealing with the fallout. She also needs her own boundaries and surely doesn’t want this woman still in her life.

category12 · 12/05/2021 22:58

I think I'd say that letters or email would be fine if the woman wants to keep in touch and your dd also wants to.

I wouldn't be hugely comfortable with phone contact, but email exchanges you can easily look over or letters could be nice for your dd.

She was in your dd's life for several years in a step-mum type role and I think it's really weird and hurtful for someone to be in your life one day and seem to like and even love you, and then to vanish the second the relationship with your parent is over. Like every memory is fake and all emotion was a lie.

Seadad · 12/05/2021 23:14

" it should be the DD’s Dad doing that though SeaDad hmm not the OP, if anyone causes the DD to have abandonment issues it’ll be him"

Sorry - @DroopyDaff - that is basically saying it doesn't matter if I dont brake to prevent this car crash because it will be the other drivers fault when my passenger is injured. It's the kind of parenting that doesn't care for outcomes, only who can safely be blamed.

Seadad · 12/05/2021 23:16

^This^

Cimone · 12/05/2021 23:29

I in no way suggested that you tell the child about the woman being the Other Woman. My reply is based on what you say to her NOW at 8 years of age about the woman's request. All you need to tell a child is NO. They don't need an explanation. If you feel compelled to give one, then you just say "Mommy doesn't like the idea so no."

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/05/2021 23:32

Hell's teeth no way!

Seadad · 13/05/2021 14:04

I don't know why so many posters have assumed some underhand scheming (other) woman here. From what I can gather - the DD has spoken to her DAD about staying in touch with his former partner who Dd has known since she was four. Dad has suggested Dd could have her phone number. Dd has now mentioned it to her mum (OP).

We don't even know if the OW is even aware of her Dad's suggestion that Dd could have her phone number!!
But we do know it must be quite important to Dd because she has asked her Mum if it would be OK.

And yet only with a few notable exceptions have posters thought that the dds relationships with adults matter in the slightest. And that us how girls are still being raised - to believe that they don't matter as much as fathers, girlfriends, mothers , adult's sex lives, jealously, insecurity, paranoia etc.
This is a second parental break up for her at a young age, and some sense of continuity is just as important, as a bridge to accepting change.

mindutopia · 13/05/2021 14:16

I would say no, because I wouldn't give an adult I didn't know particularly well direct unsupervised access to my child. But I would say, if your dd would like to keep in touch with her, that she is welcome to send a card or letter from time to time (or to email? through your personal email address).

It's a slightly different situation as I was older, but my dad had a partner from about the time I was 8 until I was 16. He and I had a very distant relationship. I saw him a few times a year. But his partner was always there in those years and actually she was wonderful. I really liked her and I was actually much closer to her than I was to him. They slip up and I ran into her a few times just out and about but nothing more. My dad died when I was 18. In my late 20s, I looked her up on Facebook and there she was.

My dad has been dead for 20+ years now and I am NC with my mum, but I still keep in touch with my dad's ex who I haven't seen since I was 16. It's not often, maybe a few times a year. But it's a nice connection to a time in my life when I actually don't have a whole lot of happy memories and she feels like 'family' to me in a way that a lot of my biological family haven't necessarily.

category12 · 13/05/2021 14:24

Yep, it should be what's best for the child first and the adult dynamics last.

If the dd has a bond with her father's ex and wants to continue contact, then it's not kind to remove that option. The dd is allowed to have emotions about it and not have to lose it.

GaraMedouar · 13/05/2021 14:27

A definite no from me !

Sakurami · 13/05/2021 14:44

I think it depends how close they were and how much time they spent together. I don't think it is appropriate in your situation, especially because she is so young and they were only together a short while and there are no other kids involved.

Seadad · 13/05/2021 15:57

@Sakurami - but it's NOT the OP's situation is it - it is her daughters situation- one in which she had someone for half her life as a parental figure - and from such a young age might feel like all her life. Why the idea that feelings of 'so young' children 4-8 yrs old - don't really matter?? Ask a therapist!

So yes it depends- on the needs and feelings...of.the. child.

Lovelydiscusfish · 13/05/2021 16:32

I was thinking a bit more about this - if DD’s dad were to split with his partner I would have absolutely no problem with DD staying in touch with her IF she (dd) wanted to. She has DD’s number anyway, so it would seem a natural thing - and I also believe they play some kind of on-line game together (tho dd has different tech at my house to what she has at her dad’s, so it’s not something I have to monitor and I’m not really clear on the details).

There is no love lost between me and this woman - she was the OW, but much more than that we are very different types of women - I used to know her socially and we just had totally different interests and personalities, and neither of us like the other very much. However, this is all irrelevant. I have no evidence that she is anything other than a positive presence in DD’s life whom DD seems to like (apart from the fact that DD sometimes bitches that her rules re lights out and what DD can watch on TV and stuff like that are stricter than mine, and than DD’s dad’s when OW isn’t around - but to be honest we’re both quite liberal - this doesn’t make the OW Cruella De Ville, and I always let DD have a little moan but then tell her to suck it up, and that it’s done with her best interests at heart).

To be honest it would be more DD’s dad’s call than mine if he wanted to prevent the two of them being in touch - but I can’t think why he would put a stop to it unless something genuinely shocking came out about OW and led to their split......

Sorry, weirdly lengthy post from me there! To summarise, I think the most important views to be consulted here are:

A) the child’s.
B) the parent who has split with the person the child wants to keep in touch with.

I’m not sure the other parent can take a strong view on it either way, providing they trust the judgement of their co-parent.

ittakes2 · 13/05/2021 16:41

I am usually of the camp that the more people who love my children the better it is for them.
But this is a no from me. She is too young to look at things objectively.
When my brother was young he had one ex who systematically made a huge effort to befriend his sisters (there are 4 of us) we were similar ages so I responded and spent time with her until I realised she was a bunny boiler and had clearly befriended me to keep tabs on my brother's life.

Lovelydiscusfish · 13/05/2021 17:01

@ittakes2

I am usually of the camp that the more people who love my children the better it is for them. But this is a no from me. She is too young to look at things objectively. When my brother was young he had one ex who systematically made a huge effort to befriend his sisters (there are 4 of us) we were similar ages so I responded and spent time with her until I realised she was a bunny boiler and had clearly befriended me to keep tabs on my brother's life.

But surely in OP’s situation it would be the dad’s life this woman would be invested in keeping tabs on (if she is), not OP’s. So if the dad is happy for them to keep in touch.....

Lumene · 13/05/2021 17:07

No I wouldn’t give an 8 year old’s phone number to a non parent, non family member.

I would suggest this person makes arrangements through myself or ex, and/or sends a letter or card if they want to keep in touch.

MonaChopsis · 13/05/2021 17:31

My ex tried to set this up with DD too. I very graciously said of course ex-OW could stay in touch with DD, but as the relationship had been formed and maintained via him, that I expected he would facilitate it. Not me.

Ex-OW then disappeared from all equations. As much as people are saying 'it's for your DD's sake, I think it's also really healthy for daughters to see their Mums enforcing their own boundaries. I'm not blocking contact at all... But it's not my job to facilitate it either. I don't for any of his other friends, why should I with her??

UltimateBlends · 13/05/2021 17:36

Shes 8, not 15.
No.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread