Ex's ex wanting to have dd number.

[unicornsarereal72]

I've not responded to this yet because I don't want to react with emotion.

Ex left me for ow. They were together a few years. I'm sure she likes dd and dd reports that she was kind. Etc I've no issues with her in anyway. And have never seen or had any contact with her. As there was never any need

When ex went awol for months on end she had no contact with dd either.

They have now split up. There are no joint siblings so not a relationship that will need to be maintained.

Dd has not had her phone number before. Dd is 8. And only has a phone so her dad can keep in touch more easily.

X has told dd today he is no longer with her. But would dd like her number to keep in touch?

Dd has asked me. Everything is screaming inside to say. Why would you.

But my sensible head feels it would probably fizzle out over time. So replied that it was a lovely idea to keep in touch.

What are other people's thoughts. Thank you.

I think it's inappropriate for unrelated adultsb to have my children's numbers, it's part of the phone and internet safely they get taught at school so we've made it policy.

No way. Just no!

In your title, you say it's the Ex's ex (i.e., the other woman) who wants your DD's number; in the post, you say it is the Ex who has suggested it - where did the idea come from?

If it's just the Ex's ex saying that she is happy for the DD to have her number if she wants to keep in touch, so that she doesn't feel like she has been abandoned too by someone she might have built up a bit of a relationship with, then that seems OK to me.

If she is pressing for it more strongly than that, or if the ExH is pressing for the contact, then I'd be more worried, that one or the other of them is wanting to use it as a way of controlling or keeping tabs on the other.

But if it's just the Ex's ex trying to be friendly and show that she cares about the child, it's not such a bad idea, and will probably fizzle out anyway, but maybe in a less painful way than if she just cut off contact suddenly.

(of course, you could say that maybe if she'd cared about the child's feelings to start with, she wouldn't have been the OW, but it's perhaps different now that they have a relationship, and the child shouldn't really be part of adult conflict anyway).

I think it’s lovely.
She obviously likes your DD very much and doesn’t want her to think just because she’s spilt up with her dad that she’s going to stop talking to her too.

She didn’t give a shit about her when she was shagging her Dad behind her mothers back did she? Or when she was colluding in destroying her family?

Jesus wept. I get that we are all supposed to ‘be kind’ and be the ‘bigger person’ these days but where are YOUR boundaries OP? Why on earth would you want the woman who was shagging your husband behind your back hanging around in your life like a bad smell when there’s no legitimate reason for her to?

Just say NO!

She didn’t give a shit about her when she was shagging her Dad behind her mothers back did she? Or when she was colluding in destroying her family?

This isn’t about OP, or the ex, or the OW - it’s about the poor child in the middle of it all. She doesn’t need to be involved in the adults issues. If she had a good relationship with her it is nice for DD to know that she hadn’t just forgotten about her.

I would say no. Either the ow has your number and all calls are on speaker and you see all messages. Otherwise I would give her your address or a family members address if she wants to send birthday cards/post cards etc.

No, why would you facilitate this? You don't need to be kind to your ex or his ow, you only have to think of your daughter. There's no value to your daughter in maintaining a relationship with her. She'll only dump your daughter once she starts a new relationship. It doesn't matter what your ex thinks, say no and don't engage in further conversation. You don't even need to tell him a reason, just no

Not in a million years! She and your ex can fuck right off with that request.

It'd be a no from me. It doesn't sound like your DD was particularly invested in her relationship with this woman anyway and neither of her parents are keeping in touch with the adult. It'd be weird for her to have an adult friend of her own.

I tell my kids- grown ups are not your friends. A safe grown up will not want to be your friend, unless they are a family friend. I think it's a dangerous precident to set if you give the impression that it's normal for a child and an adult to be friends without parental involvement.

Don't teach your 8 year old that it's her role in life to spend her time comforting needy acquaintances.

No. Say no.

Wildly inappropriate and confusing. An 8 year old is not a support human.

Especially as there might be more exes down the line.

Maintain boundaries.

If she really wants to contact your dd she can use your phone. 8 is way too young to take all this on
without your absolute supervision and like others have said, what happens with the next girlfriend and the next and the next?

There are lots of ways for OW to stay in contact that don’t involve having your DDs phone number. I realise I sound Victorian here (I’m in my 30s!) but what happened to sending the odd letter, or birthday card?!
I wouldn’t want my DC of that age getting into constant text exchanges in any case, even with peers - plenty of time for that in the teen years!

Thank you everyone for the replying. @Gemma2019 thank you for that. I did laugh out loud.

I will forget to put the number in her phone for now. And have a conversation with her at the weekend.

@FlattestWhite
I'm not sure who asked for who's number. I think dd dad asked dd if she would like iow number so that she can keep in touch. This message was then followed up with. But don't mention me please. Which was completely inappropriate. Bringing a child into his adult relationships I know.

He has past form for being an idiot. Even without the whole ow thing. Will tackle ex over this tomorrow.

Thank you all for the input.

How to have a mature and responsible approach to children dealing with a sense of abandonment- MN: make it all about the adults! Nothing for future therapy there for sure!

@Seadad maybe dd dad should
Of thought about that when he goes months not responding to any of our calls and messages etc. Ow also ignored us during these periods.

My feeling are that it is some way of them having a link to each other. But the phone never goes with dd to her dads. So all messages will be over seen by me. Anything inappropriate will be dealt with but bearing in mind most of dd messages are 90% emojis I'm sure it will quickly fizzle out. Only so many how was your day messages you can send.

I just feel the whole thing is not appropriate. And ex should never of put it out there as an option in my opinion.

How to have a mature and responsible approach to children dealing with a sense of abandonment- MN: make it all about the adults! Nothing for future therapy there for sure!

Completely agree!!

maybe dd dad should
Of thought about that when he goes months not responding to any of our calls and messages etc. Ow also ignored us during these periods.

You’ve literally just made it about ex and OW more than your DD again.

A stranger (to you) having your DC's number, no way! It would be great to think that she asked because she really cared for your DD but being realistic, what can be gained from this? Far better for a clean break as otherwise it'd be a bit confusing for her.

Definite no from me.

So you'll deal with any shitshow after it's happened on your 8 year old daughter's phone?

Get some boundaries, seriously.

It depends. First question is, does DD like the ex? If so, no harm in them keeping in touch, it will fizzle out eventually.

Of course, it also depends on how involved ex has been in your DD's life. If actually her dad has largely ignored DD on visits and ex has been proxy parenting your DD, cooking for her, looking after her and doing stuff with her, it would seem very unfair to your DD just to cut the relationship because it makes you uncomfortable.

@toocold54

I just handle things as best I can with the children's well being always coming first. Hence way I asked a wider audience here because my family and friends are not impartial. My initial reaction was fuck no. But I paused and asked
Myself why I felt that way. And what is the best thing for dd. putting aside my own feelings.

As you can see it is a mixed bag of yes and no's.

Everyone has their feels. They are valid. If you can pause. And seeking other opinions when feeling conflicted before a snap decision. Is that thinking about the children's well being? Which decision leads to what outcome? Other people may have experiences they could share.

MN is valuable place to get prospective and to vent. As parents I am sure we are all trying our best. I'm not perfect. And value your response as it helps give a balance view point but believe me. Everything I do is about my children growing into well adjusted adults. (Hopefully). We all have history and baggage. And I am doing all I can do that the children are not carrying forward things that they shouldn't.

Really wasn't aiming directly at you @unicornsarereal72 as much of some of the appalling responses.
Your DD is eight and has formed an attachment with a mother figure of sorts that she who she felt was kind. Rather than learn that people can seem kind and caring for half your life and then just ghost you, she can learn that relationships change and it doesn't mean that you were naive and people don't really care.
I think you should chat to your DD - say that she might not be with her Dad now, but was fond of her and she doesn't need to lose touch- that you have her number if she wants to keep in touch every now and then. And listen to what your Dd feels and support her.

I would say no. (But an 8 year old should not have a phone in my view).