What would you do? Advice needed...

[DLC46]

I've been with my partner for 9 years - we have a 6 year old DD.

It was his house when I met him, and he won't buy a house together or put my on the mortgage.

We aren't engaged and no signs of getting married.

There's a lot more to this story... cheating, lies, drugs etc.

I'm 33 and I want all the normal things, house/marriage/more children.

What would you do? Am I being taken for a mug?

I would have to go back 'home' to my mums until I sorted my own place etc. I work and so no need to panic money wise...

But I'm so scared to start over again?

I guess I want the happy ever after and I definitely would like another child - is this in reach?

Feeling really down and anxious. Head is all over the place x

Only you can answer this question but your op sounds like you already know that your partner will never give you what you want. So you either adjust your expectations and accept the status quo or leave and continue searching for the life and partnership you want. Neither is an easy option (handhold).

@firsttimeoptimist - what would you do?

It is in reach but not with this man I'm afraid. After 9 years he is still not committed to you in any way so I don't think it is going to happen.
If you want the future you long for, be brave and free yourself from this man, you are not going to get it otherwise. 💐

I think if after 9 years he doesnt want to put you on mortgage or get married that is a real worry. Even if you werent on mortgage but were married you would have some rights I believe but at the moment you have none.

It doesnt sound hopeful for a happy future with the other issues you mention I’m afraid. I’m not in a dissimilar position ie issues and no marriage after same amount of time but we have bought house jointly!

Please don't be scared to start over again. Its totally natural to be scared, but I've been there and it was the best thing I ever did. Yes, it was hard. Very hard at times, but so so worth it. I too had one that refused to commit and it became clear he just didn't want me enough.

I wish I'd done it sooner, way sooner. Only you can say what you want out of life, but if he isn't it (think of the version of him now, not the version of him you want or think he can be) then you will have no regrets in the long run starting again.
Good luck.

You won't have a happy life with this guy, OP. Given you can go to your mum's, that's what I'd advise you to do. He sounds awful, tbh.

What are you paying towards the house ?
Please tell me that you’re not paying part of the mortgage ?

Why would you want marriage to and another baby with somebody for whom you say drugs, cheating and lies are an issue? Marriage and mortgage are entirely irrelevant here. Go and stay with your mum for a bit and then work out how to leave the relationship from there.

@ComtesseDeSpair it’s useless wasting your breath on people like this. She’ll write dozens of threads asking for advice and she will get unanimous feedback but still choose to ignore it.

What would you do?

Leave.

Am I being taken for a mug?

Yes.

There's a lot more to this story... cheating, lies, drugs etc.

What the fuck. Scrape your self esteem off the floor and be gone.

Don't throw good money after bad. You are worth more than this, and if you can't see that, I recommend finding a good counsellor.

I should've left at 33, I waited, don't.

It’s not too late to start over. You deserve to be happy. Why are you staying with someone who will never give you what you want? (and why do you want it with him after everything he has put you through?) A new life awaits OP.

I would leave.

Even without the cheating, lies and drugs.

I want to own my own house and live my own life. I want to be with someone who loves me enough to marry me and share that. (I am)

I'd not have lasted 9 years with this guy you are with. Pack up, go to your Mum's til you are back on your feet and have a good life.

Well not putting you on the mortgage, or a second child are less the issue than the cheating, lies, and drugs ?!!?
Leave him, and find someone much nicer .

Leave him, and find someone much nicer

Hmmm. Please don’t try and find someone else until you’ve raised your standards by a lot.

You don’t need a man. You need some sensible boundaries.

I think the question you first need to ask is why on earth have you stayed? If you can come to terms with that and realise why you have let him treat you the way you have, then you can leave. He wont ever marry you or put you on the mortgage. If you dont reconcile yourself to letting someone treat you like this you will continue with this dead end relationship or move straight onto another bad relationship. Leave, get therapy then live a happy, peaceful life.

I would rather be broke and alone forever than put up with that shit.

And if you were my daughter I’d be celebrating your return from this piece of shit.

He's a liar, cheater and does drugs. Don't get married. Split up.

Issues with drugs? Leave regardless of anything else.

Leave. Go back to your DM's and get your head straight. The only thing stopping you being really happy, is you.

Can you afford to buy a little place of your own?

It doesn't sound an equal relationship. You're not planning a future together. If he's not going to change, I'd cut my losses and go.

[quote DLC46]@firsttimeoptimist - what would you do? [/quote]
Leave

Why would you want to marry a cheat, liar and drug user. You are scraping the bottom of the barrel with this man, you need to leave him to give your daughter and you a better chance of a future. I would not bring up a child with a drug addict.