DH told me to get a scooter while he has luxury car

[Rocketearth]

I’m already aware that DH has elements of financial abuse, and I’m looking for a job.

Been a SAHM for 5 years and don’t have a drivers license as I lived in zone 2 of London most of my life and never felt the need. When I became pregnant we bought a house outside of London but public transport connections are terrible - all services hourly only so I have found it very hard with a baby and now young child.

DH earns a 6-figure salary and drives a year- old luxury car. I have had plantar fasciitis in one foot for four years now and the walking everywhere with occasional bus/train ensures I am in pain most days (treatment not helping much).

Yesterday DH said I should consider getting myself an electric scooter to get around. I was horrified and furious - I’m nearly 50, and I don’t think they are even fully legal yet. He originally said he’d buy me a car and pay for lessons but now he’s decided he won’t.

Am I wrong to be so angry and upset? Even if I get a job soon it will be at least a couple of years before I can save enough for lessons and buy a cheap car. Also, getting a job is seriously restricted because public transport is so poor around here.

You know he is financially abusive. What's keeping you there?

Get a divorce. You know it’s not about the scooter. He doesn’t care about your comfort or wellbeing.

Why are you with him?

Where does he suggest you put your 5 year old?!

Get a job and leave him.

He has you a little stuck, doesn't he? You can't drive, he now refuses to pay for lessons/car. You're unable to get a job to help you pay for lessons/car as you wouldn't be able to actually travel to work without a car.

A scooter clearly isn't a suitable option. Plantar fasciitis is bloody agony, which I know will make walking anywhere difficult.

Rocketearth, this really doesn't sound like a very good place for you to be - emotionally, physically, financially. I can't help but wonder what else he does to keep you where he wants you - dependent on him, with no easy way out?

I would seek a divorce ASAP

He will in all likelihood sabotage any attempt for you to get a job outside the home.

What is still keeping you with him?
How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

You are not wrong to be angry and upset but you would be wrong to stay with this prick.

I never just say this but honestly I think you are better just prepping to leave this guy ASAP. There is no cure for being this much of a cunt.

Why don’t you ring a solicitor in the AM and talk through your situation. The great thing is he has a really good salary and you haven’t worked for 5 years so he will have to provide good support. They will explain the steps and you can prep accordingly. Don’t say anything to him, until you are all set up with some where to go and ready to walk out the door (or actually - don’t tell him till you’ve left - if he’s letting you walk everywhere with PF and 2 babies I imagine he’s capable of anything.)

Seriously my love - focus on moving out - now. You can get a job after that.

Skechers and gel arch lifts saved me OP. Say no to the scooter.

See how he feels about financial abuse when you claim half his pension pot, house and assets, plus spousal and child maintenance, OP! Go for it. It’s time to get even.

You're not legally allowed to use an electric scooter either on the roads or the pavements. And if you live in London/just outside the police sometimes do sweeps to stop and seize any seen in use.

But that's irrelevant, in and of itself. Its relevance is in the fact that your H is a tool, and this is one more instance of that.

Who made him the boss of you. You want driving lessons go and get them, take the money out of the account and pay for them.

But I presume you don't have a joint account and he probably pays a pittance into an account for you .

Leave, you'll be so much better iff

have you got somewhere you can go, relatives.
how many children, could you all squash into one room for short term, just to get out.
this is a wake-up call, last straw and all that.
do. not. tell. him.
make your plans, take documents, any medication, and go.
from there plan your campaign of liberation.
you can do it. all the best.

So - when he is at work - you have no way of getting yourself or your child to an a ER in case of an emergency?

I don’t know how you didn’t insist on getting a car all those years with a baby/small child. Did you like being isolated and not seeing people - or was it his plan all along?

I’d be telling him you are booking driving lessons and looking at cars. Or - will be using his controlling and isolating behaviour as one of the main ones on the list of unreasonable behaviours on the divorce petition.

He's your husband, he can either ensure you have access to sufficient money now while married, or you can take a few weeks to collect up the paperwork you need to prove his income and the state of his bank accounts, savings, pension etc then give him the option to pay it as maintenance and spousal support.

Or take his car keys and suggest he gets a scooter.

Divorce.

Learn to drive for heaven's sake. Then get your wheels on and get out of there.

@AmandaHoldensLips

Learn to drive for heaven's sake. Then get your wheels on and get out of there.

How is she supposed to learn to drive when she has already said her “D”H won’t allow her the money for lessons or a car?

My apologies. I missed that part.
Any man who won't "allow" his wife money is a prize shit bag (and a criminal).

Divorce him. You will be financially far, far better off. You will have access to 50% of all marital assets. All you need to do is decide to do it and then get the best divorce lawyer you can find.

Not to mention you will be emotionally far better off.

I agree that getting out of this abusive relationship and learning to drive is your best bet.

For getting around in the short term (driving lessons can take a while and they are in high demand because of Covid delays) what about getting a bike? A cargo bike and/or electric bike could give you and the kids more freedom from public transport routes and don't have the same issues as a scooter.

I passed my driving test not long before Covid and it has given me a lot of freedom, so I'd recommend it.

@MMmomDD

So - when he is at work - you have no way of getting yourself or your child to an a ER in case of an emergency?

I don’t know how you didn’t insist on getting a car all those years with a baby/small child. Did you like being isolated and not seeing people - or was it his plan all along?

I’d be telling him you are booking driving lessons and looking at cars. Or - will be using his controlling and isolating behaviour as one of the main ones on the list of unreasonable behaviours on the divorce petition.

Surely in an emergency she could phone an ambulance??

Divorce is the only rational solution here.
It is financial abuse.

Why do you keep having kids with a man who cares little for you??

You are 50yo with a very young child?

Irrespective, just get your license and buy a suitable car. If you don’t have access to funds then that’s financial abuse.

I don’t understand where your DH thinks you would put a toddler or young child on a scooter? Let alone the shopping.