Non-fatal attraction (Stupid infatuation)

[larkstar]

I'll try and keep it light and to the point. Something that's been playing on my mind on and off since a very strange incident in 1997 although the first 10 years I didn't think too much about it but it's has started to come mind more over the last 18 months; I just want to get it down in writing, get it off my chest as this is not something I have talked about with anyone - not that I can't talk about - I just think it sounds so weird and I wonder what people will think of me if I tell what happend.

I was at work and I got a phone call from my best mate of about 5 years - that's very odd - he's never rang me at work before. He apologised and said it was important and I was fine - sure - anything for a precious friend - I was worried for him. He said his wife had got it in her head that - I don't know quite how to put his - that we were meant to be together - apparently she had strong feelings for me and thought it was reciprocated. Honest to God - I have no idea where this idea came from - it's shocking isn't it? I've never, since or before - heard of anything like this - we had never had any kind of conversation about anything like this - we had only met when I or me and my wife met them at either our house or theirs or when we went out for walks with our very young kids - the link between us all we between me and my friend - our wives didn't know each other to begin with but were friendly and we all got on - everything was nice - it was good. Anyway - back to the phone call - my friend - I could hear his voice trembling - it was heartbreaking when he asked me what I wanted to do about it - I was so taken aback - I told him I had never had any thoughts whatsoever about anything like that - I was (still am) married to the girl I started going out with when we were both 12 - we are 59 now - we are good and will see each other through to the end of our lives. He said I needed to speak her to tell her myself and they he put her on the phone and I had to tel her that they were really important friends that we liked - lovely people, great couple but I told her I had never thought about her in any other way other than the a friend - she was slightly hard to convince - she asked me if I was sure that there was a possible life together for us - I was absolutely calm and clear in saying no. After a brief silence my friend said - look this is an awkward situation - he said he didn't think it would be possible to remain friends - and I understood that. he asked me not to get in touch with them - I totally understood that and had no problem in agreeing to it - he apologised and I said I was really sorry it had happened too. I came home and told my wife - she was equally gobsmacked.

We're 23 years down the line now and I kept my word to my friend. I have obviously had a lot to wonder about - what happened after he put the phone down. I didn't even know if they were still together - FB opened on 2004 and I didn't have an account until 2008. On my profile I have always had a message to my friend telling him I would like to be in contact - I found his profile easily enough but I've never messaged him and don't plan to. He has his privacy settings set so I can't see much but via their kids I was recently able to see that they still seem to be married which I am relieved about - actually I'd say I'm genuinely happy about that but I would never contact her either.

I feel for my friend because of what happened - God knows how they have worked their way though it - hopefully they were able to reconcile it the way I have (in part!) - I can't even speculate on what was going on with them - I've no idea - I think they are brilliantly suited to each other. I put it down to some stupid infatuation - being young and immature perhaps - not so worldly in terms of relationships perhaps - I'm prepared to write it off as that - my friend is the obvious innocent victim in all of this but I fell hard done to - I lost a good friend - he was the funniest guy I ever knew - charming, a good looking guy, quirky, likeable and he's always had a good job - such a lovely guy I'm sure he's been a brilliant totally involved father - I missed out on knowing him. I have mixed feelings about her - sad, sometimes a little angry about putting him through this. Perhaps my feelings are easy to over look - guilty that any of this came to the surface, angry and confused that I didn't have a clue this was coming - not one iota - I feel stupid I didn't pick up on something. The most long lasting effect for me is that I am a bit more stand-off-ish and being honest, a bit more mistrustful of women in general - I wonder if the way i am is partly to blame because in my unusually long term relationship - frankly I don't have much relationship experience - a hell of a lot with one person - I perhaps know a bit more about what it takes to keep a relationship going (at best it only a "perhaps"!). I never had to go out and meet women and win them over and I never had to worry about being in a relationship so in some ways I'm pretty comfortable around women - I don't have an agenda, hidden intentions, I don't have anything to prove... I don't know - really I don't know what to make of it. Lately it hacks me off that I had to suck it up. 99% of the time I don't think about it - now and again I miss my friend and may even feel a bit bitter about missing out, angry at her (a little bit just for her stupid immaturity of that's what it was). 99.9% of the time I have no intention of contacting either of them - her definitely not her just out of respect for my friend - occasionally I just wish they knew my side of things. I don't know their side of things either but i wouldn't want to drag up the past for them either - it would - I imagine be awkward, embarrassing, and hurtful for my friend - it's a shame there seems no way to reconnect with that happening.

I guess I just have to continue to suck it up and put it out of my mind - as I say - it's not a big issue - it just bothers me sometimes. I never had a conversation with anyone about this - it's not something that ever comes up in conversation between me and my wife - she's got no issues with ot - it was just a strange event - occasionally one of us says I wonder what happened to...

Anyway - I just wanted to write it down and get it off my chest. I'm not planning on doing anything else - I stuck it out this long. It would just have been nice to know and share something of us and them and our and their kids.

An odd story isn't it? If there's any value to anyone else in sharing it - it's doing be a selfish a*hole by bringing a stupid infatuation into the real world - people get hurt.

There are a couple of other details I might add later if anyone reads this - things that only made sense after all this nonsense.

I think anyone can see you are still to this day grieving the loss of a very good friend. It must have felt awful then and still does now . I wouldn't contact them either as its quite possible he would still feel as hurt and vulnerable and wonder still if his wife would still harbour those feelings for you even if she didn't . Its very sad to lose a good friendship and at least you have left the door open so to speak on facebook should he ever want to get back in touch but I'd say its unlikely as its possible he would never get over doubting his wife's feelings for him should you be in touch. You did nothing wrong and it is ok to grieve it even now .

I really feel for you, OP. You sound like a good friend - I think you've done absolutely the right thing, even though it hurts. It's a shame that your friend had to miss out on that friendship because of his wife, who sounds actually a bit mad, to me.

I think, if I were you, I'd be tempted to break my promise at this point - after such a long time - but in a very no-obligations way. Just send him a message saying that you miss his friendship and that you hope he's well, but do it with no hope or expectation of reply. He can delete it before his wife ever sees it, if necessary.

Good luck, whatever you do.

A bit like @YourCakesAreShit I would do this too— a casual , hey how are you message— maybe his wife going through a very funny five minutes and he is much too embarrassed to get in touch.

It is as you, yourself say - an odd story, a very odd story actually.

I suppose you have considered all the possibilities then and throughout the intervening years as to what exactly was going on.

The first things that came to my mind are - she was mentally unwell and maybe in the midst of a psychotic episode.
No, not because she fancied you but because the way your friend described it to you - that she was convinced you should be together and convinced her feelings were reciprocated.

My next thought was that they were in an open relationship or attempting - clumsily, to initiate a threesome or something like that.
Then my final idea was that maybe this man wasn't as keen on the friendship as you thought, so instead of a million easier ways of ending it, they concocted the most ridiculous story they could think of knowing full well how rock solid your marriage was and that not only would you never stray but the weirdness of the situation would ensure that you'd never want to socialise with him/them again.
Perhaps the oddest thing is that you are still wondering about it 23 years later OP!
Why do you think it's on your mind again now or did it never really fade away?
Have you been able to make friends with anyone else whose company you enjoy or did the incident put you off?
What does your wife think about all this?
You have two clear choices now don't you: either you put it away for ever, spend time with people you enjoy, have fun and maybe consider talking to a professional who might be able to get to the bottom of why this haunts you OR you go and see him.
You find a way to invite him for a quick drink/coffee and after a quick catch up, you ask all the questions that have been driving you to distraction.
But obviously if his wife had been unwell at the time she may have had subsequent episodes and your friend may not want to talk about it or it may be as much of a relief as it will be for you!

I don't think it's odd that you are still wondering about it 23 years later, especially if he was the one of best friends you ever had. It is a strange story and, on the face of it, you and he are the innocent victims. I'm around your age and have quite a few good friends I've known longer than 23 years and others that fell by the wayside, for different reasons, that I still sometimes miss.

I don't know about you but the experience of living through the pandemic has made me think a lot of past times and to wonder, in some cases, whether I made the right choices a long time ago. Perhaps that's why you are dweling on this now? Regretting the loss for a reason that's hard to understand and come to terms with?

Not sure if contacting him would be right as both your lives have moved on. Unless you can send a brief non- committal message to test the water, so to speak? Be prepared though for no response.

It sounds like limerence - a really overwhelming obsession with someone that often is triggered by trauma - loss of a baby or a relative or something similar. That or she had MH issues. It's one thing havig a crush on someone but another entirely to be convinced they want to be with you, despite zero evidence.

What’s prompted you to post this now, OP? Clearly it’s troubled you greatly over the years, but has something brought it to the surface recently?

Infatuation can be like a psychotic break. I’m certain you did nothing to suggest to your friend’s wife that you were anything more than a friend. What her mind did with the most innocuous contact with you is beyond your control and may not have been visible to you. A person can be evolving the most elaborate fantasies without showing it. Sadly, the person is likely to interpret friendly behaviour as a ‘secret sign’ of your love for her - including your insistence you were just friends. The husband seems to have tried everything to get her to see reality and calling you to get you to talk to her was probably an act of desperation. Perhaps she has recovered - sometimes complete severing of a relationship achieves that- but you were the unlucky focus of obsession. Have you ever talked this through with a therapist?

@Craftycorvid et al. I will sleep on the question about what prompted this post; it's late. It's probably to do with the lockdowns.

No - as I said - I've never talked about this with anyone. I wondered what it would look and sound like (to other people) if I wrote it down.

Thanks for all the replies - I will reply more - some useful things have been said and there is a lot that agrees with what I'm thinking anyway. I was concerned someone would say "this sounds like a a crock of proverbial" - that's part of why I've never said anything before - I'd be thinking - why has he brought this up?

@Feilion Grief - I never thought of that word. I'm not the grieving sort imho when it comes to death but I suppose the lockdown was a time to reflect on what is important and I've never been the going-out to socialise type anyway unless I was playing 5-a-side - I don't have a lot of friends I see socially unless they are musicians or we have kids in common - it takes so much time and work to keep good friedships up imho - I have a handful of internet friends in various countries I've kept in touch with for well over 10 years - I'm very social if I am out but I'd rather be home, cook, read a book, play my guitar, write, go for a run, etc - I have alot of interests and my wife and kids (now graduated, working and living 2hrs drive away) have always been all I needed. I checked the dates - it was 1998 - she gave me a copy of David Gray's White Ladder telling me to listen to the lyrics on Plesase Forgive Me - we shared an interest in listening to music. I met him through work - he was rep that came to the company I worked at and that was around 1989 but we only met up socially in the early/mid-90's - it was a slow process - you don't normally make friends with reps who visit infrequently so I knew him for about 9 years.

Over lockdown I was thinking about people I was looking forwar to seeing and spending time with - my kids mainly but other people outside them - I had another close friend - we worlked side by soide for nearly 4 years on some complex software - we had hads 2 girls of similar ages - I had moved company and then moved house to another town 30 miles away - he died of an agressive brain tumour inside 3 months in 2011 - it all happened so quickly - I miss him but stay in touch with his wife and his eldest daughter. I was thinking about him too and just before the first lockdown - I had(have?) a musician friend of 20 years that I fell out with - I was honest with him about finding him selfish, pre-occupied and lacking in openness - I ask about his kids all the time and he's never very open about anything - he never seems interested in me or my life - it's like the world revolves around him - etc. So - coming back to my rep-friend - he was always intersted in other people and wasn't the alpha male type which I don't get along with - he was special guy - we had so many laugh out loud moments when he came to the companies I worked at - he was demonstrating a pneumatic glue dispenser - it malfunctioned and squirted glue over the blouse of a female engineer - he was so apologetic and got his checkbook out and wrote her a check on the spot

I totally agree with everything you said - I have left the door open but I don't expect he'll ever get in touch - I think I'll update my message. There's isn't really any way forward - I just wanted to write it down and get it out of my system for what good it'll do me.

@YourCaksAreShit
A bit mad - well it's surprising as she is a super organising secretary - she's likes things to be organised - so unless it was a post-partum condition (I think her 2nd child was not walking yet) but he never mentioned anything - I think she seemed very practical and pragmatic - he was the affable Michael Palin type.

At times I have been curious but not tempted to contact him - I'm as curious as everyone else to know the other side of this, the full story, what happened next, etc but I am resigned to or come to the conclusion that there would be no point - i can't see how, after all this time, we could ever start to be on the same terms we once were - I just needed to get it off my chest - maybe I won't think about it so much - all it would do is stir things up for all of us - it's annoying but there you go.

@Wishingwell75
Psychotic episode - I think @Cowbells nailed it with limerence although the wiki page on that suggested loneliness as a frequent factor - that didn't click with me but what do I know - he was a rep but hated being away and drove huge distances to make sure he was rarely away.

"my final idea was that maybe this man wasn't as keen on the friendship as you thought" - well yes this has definitely crossed my mind but no, honestly, he is more like a guilty puppy sitting next to a pile of poo - he hasn't got a devious bone in his body.

"Perhaps the oddest thing is that you are still wondering about it 23 years later OP!" - well I hate unresolved things - I am a physicist - so I accept we live with many things we don't understand but this incident stands out by a mile as an oddity - I have and have had other friends but not found anyone quite like him - not an alpha, not self absorbed, not selfish (I'm thinking of all my other current friends here!), not obsessed with money, etc. You ask why - I was OK about it for a long time but a bit of resentment grew - that I have lost out because of the stupid (i say immature) actions when I feel annoyed about it. I just had this story locked up inside for a long time and wanted to let it out - that is all - it probably doesn't sound like much of an explanation; it's not a massive problem to me - just annoying, frustrating, sad, etc. except I feel like I lost a good friend who also got hurt.

My wife - is pretty brief - she thinks it was crazy and strange and that's about it - it's not something she ever thinks about - he was my friend and that's it - she never has much to say about it but I rarely mention it.

They moved 200 miles away and we kept visiting, then we had the phone call, then 20 years ago I moved another 50 miles further away.

@Cowbells - limerence I think is as good an explanation as anything. It's a good point - may be she had some MH problems before.. and possibly after - I don't know.

I think that's me done for now.

Hi, I am so glad you came back and told us some more of the back story. I have to say that it's very interesting.
I am also hoping you see this because after re reading my reply to you, I felt it was quite harsh.
There was nothing in your opening post to suggest your friend wanted to distance himself from the friendship and even if he had done, I doubt he would have gone to the trouble of creating such a convoluted story; so I am sorry I wrote that.

He sounds like a good friend and that you had a lot in common. Did you socialise outside of work with your wives? I suppose you must've done in order for her to fall for you. Just wondering if your wife ever mentioned any suspicion that his wife had a thing for you?
Were you close enough that giving you a David Grey cd seemed like a usual thing or was that itself a bit out of the blue? So, then she developed a crush on you, you had music in common, probably lots of traits she found attractive.
Maybe she was struggling a bit with the girls being young and your friend being on the road so much because of work. I know he made it his goal to get home each night but he must have been exhausted.
So many unanswered questions, it's no wonder you wanted to write it all down.
I wonder how he feels about things now? I expect the fact you never heard from him means that they stayed together. I hope everything worked out for the best.

You sound very content and happy with life and that is lovely!
Good luck with all your endeavours!
(If of course you did decide to track him down 😁 I hope you would come back and update us.)

You sound lovely. No wonder she was smitten. Maybe he is sat there wondering if he should contact you after all this time. Life is too short. A lot of time has passed and if it throws things up for them you getting in touch, that wouldn't be your fault.

@Quaverscrisps I think he would rather not have this bit of the past brought up - I don't know how he has or would manage to come to terms with what happened - I hope he has - it would take a special guy to be able to; for soem things I think it is possible to bury feelings and things that happened in the past and not revisit them. I did wonder if I would hear someone else say they knew of a similar kind of thing - it would have made this story less strange. I am starting to wonder if it was an episode like post partum depression I saw a TV doc a few years ago where a GP had PPD and wanted to harm her baby - I wonder if, with something like that, she would ever really fully recover and it be seen as just a blip. It would have been nice to share in their kids growing up and going to uni etc.

If he contacts me - great - but I just can't see that happening.

@Wishingwell75
Re:"quite harsh" - I didn't read it like that - I was actually expecting much harsher responses - disbelief for instance - possibly having a go at me for even describng it - and to be fair - I'd think that would have been a pretty understandble response. That was also part of the reson why I never felt like talking about it.

We did socialise a fair bit - all four of us - kids in pushchairs - trips to the farm to see the animals, trips to the park with the paddling pool, walksin the coutryside - all with young kids in tow.

"Just wondering if your wife ever mentioned any suspicion that his wife had a thing for you?" - this is a good question. I have been with my wife since we were both 12 - we're 58 now and I rate her very highly for intuition and reading people and situations - clearly her Spidey senses failed her this time - she hadn't got a clue - I remember coming home to tell her about this phone call when I got back from work that day and she honestly though I was trying to tell her a very bad joke - she couldn't take it seriously at first.

The CD didn't feel like an odd thing at the time - we had that in common but perhaps more relevant was that I involved with the NCT for 2 years - did parent craft classes, tin shaking and went on the radio to promote it a couple of times - I was lucky enough to be made redundant when both of my kids were born and I spent 3-4 month taking them to the coffee mornings - it's not easy packing up everything to get out of the house for a 10:30am meeting - only dad at all mum groups so I was always confident looking after a baby - my wife worked for the NHS so while I was out of work she was able return to work and they were incredibly flexible about what hours and days she worked - we managed - I always tried limit what impact my career (writing software) had on my family life - so i guess that was a strength but I never thought she had a crush on me - it's (perhaps?) more likely she was feeling less confident, more anxious, vulberable and unsupported (than I realised) looking after her youngsters. Writing software was a well paid but very volatile sector to work in - I had 9 jobs in 16 years - 6 redundancies, 2 partial and 2 full company closures - it's hard to get that attached to work, a job or a career when it is that unstable so it's a good job I had a family life to fall back on that kept life meaningful and enjoyable.

Hopefully - this thread will stay here and if anything does happen I can always come back to it.

I think that's about it for now - this will probably end up being my one and only post on mumsnet. I enjoyed reading the replies and maybe I can see it in a slighty different light - maybe she had or has some mental health problem or maybe it was just a time in her life when she felt vulnerable in some way - it's all forgivable and embraceable - I just wish it had never happened.

I haven't read through all the posts as there is a lot so I must apologise in advance if I say something daft.

It sounds like your ex friends wife has/had some mental health issues. That sort of ill founded dramatic infatuation and forcing her husband to play it out for her is not normal on any level. I wonder why he went along with this? I wouldn't feel ok about losing a good friend on demand because of my partners madness.

I think he played a crucial part in this drama, it's not just her. In reality they actually both owe you an apology but I realise you don't actually need it and I doubt they would offer anyway - too ashamed I would imagine - easier to dump on you.

And I bet you weren't the last drama she engineered and he cooperated with. She sounds a like stalker material. And he's her enabler. I think, perhaps, you are looking back with slightly rose tinted glasses about him.

@rosabug
I think I can explain why he "went along with it" - I can't be sure about what went on with them before he rang me - my explanation is that I think he knew me well enough to know exactly what I would say - he did say to me - you've got to tell her because she won't believe it if I just say it - I think, or perhaps hope - that he realised she had either rbadly misjudged the situation or was in the grip by some irrational state.

OK I can understand you wondering if he wasn't also wraped up in this psyco-drama but I think he was completely innocent - I thin khe would have been as gobsmacked as i was. Maybe he realised she was having a bit of an episode and was able to rationalise it that way to some extent.

God knows what has happend since - maybe there have been other delusions - it's something I never thought about until it was suggested here - I honestly don't think he has a bad bone in his body. Actually - she's a nice person too - not a daydreamy person out of touch woth reality por anything - she was a really good down-to-earth practical, realistic person - she worked as a PA! It just doesn't make sense does it? I hadn't thought of her as a stalker - you got me worried now! Anyway - they haven't been in touch at all since that call - no birthday cards, letters, nothing. It's just sad it happened.

She obviously had a big crush on you and was feeling very irrational about it. What happened after she told you to listen to "Please forgive me"? She basically spelt out how she was feeling. Maybe if you were still friendly after that she misinterpreted your response. I think in doing that she was telling you clearly how she was feeling, and maybe then was a missed opportunity for you to talk about it with your wife or your friend. I'm not sure it would have changed the outcome though.

I think it sounds like an unfortunate situation and your friend wanted to make his marriage work. But needed you out of the picture for that to happen. That's really sad for you but difficult to do much about. I can understand you always wondering what happened to him. It's hard to lose a good friend and you've lost two for very different but heartbreaking reasons.

@MakeItRain If you look back knowing about the phone call that came out of the blue then even I think I look a bit stupid over not seeing it for what ot was - it was only after the phone call that it really meant anything - it suddenly made sense - I just wasn't looking at the situation that way at the time. We were on the same page about music more than either of our partners - that's all I thought it was - following on from sharing some new music with each other, conversations about songs etc - if it did cross my mind - that the song meant anything more than "great song, great lyrics, great vocal" - and I honestly can't remember if it did - it obviously didn't trigger any alarm bells.

My friend was truly, madly, deeply in love with her - they were imho, and I know this sounds so rediculous - right for each other. She was completely wrong about me - I was never the right person for her and vice versa for lots of reasons - I'm sure her life with him has been 10x better than any life she would have had with me - that's why I think it was such an insane thing to do.

I feel OK about having written this down and talked about a bit - time to let the sleeping dog lie - I think I can do that more easily now.

That's good you feel better having written it all out. It makes sense what you say about not reading anything into it at the time, because you just never would have imagined there was anything more to it than sharing good music.
What a sad situation. I think sometimes partners can complicate friendships and often, understandably the partnership comes first. I've certainly had a good friendship that changed due to her partner's attitude, and that was sad enough, even though we managed to stay friends.
Perhaps one day you will catch up with your friend. I expect he misses you too.

@Amotherlife Not seeing people was definitely part of what got me thinking about people I was missing but I have thought about him many times over the years - sometimes wondered if they actually didn't want to stay friends; I don't think that is the case but still - the thought has crossed my mind. I had an old friend contact me out of the blue via fb after not seeing him for 25-30 years - we have picked up and carried on very easily - the restrictions mean I haven't had the chance to meet him again in person and so we haven't talked about his diovorce (and subsequent 2nd marriage) etc - but it's been good reconnect with him and his brother I was also friends with (who is also divorced! I didn't know he had married!). I recently sent a message to someone that my wife lodged with in the 2nd year at uni after looking him up - his 1st wife died of cancer and he has remarried - they were very nice to us - allowed me to stay over - it's been very nice to start talking with him again. I mentioned gave my musiican friend of 20 years a much needed slice of honesty pie and he didn't take it well - he can't bring himself to even mention anything I said - I've carried on messaging him - initially he was not responding, then only with the briefest of conversation ending responses - I still message him - I'm disapppointed he hasn't said anything back but, in view of what I said, I guess it's consistent with my criticism of him and so not that surprising - I don't know why I bother ATM - I've always thought your real friends are the ones that aren't afraid to tell you things when they think you should know something that no one else is honest enough to say anything about - sometimes an argument and the subsequent conversation can take things to a deeper level which is sometimes a good thing - if a relationship can't bounce back from a disagreement it doesn't put the relationship in a good light does it? A trait in me I think, is that all my relationships and friendships are long term ones - I think I like to- and I think I know how to- keep a relationship going so I have internet friends I've talked to for 10-15 years in some cases - most I'll never meet as they live in Canada, Australia and the US although I met one woman, an American married to a Finn and living in Finland for 20+ years via a writers forum and she happened to be visiting England 5-6 years ago - nowhere near where I lived - but we met up (4hr drive!) and it was a great meeting - real-life meeting was as natural and normal as any other friendship - the only surprise was her Minnesotan accent (think Deputy Molly Solverson in Fargo).

@MakeItRain - a nice thought - maybe he does.

I have a deja vu sense of Groundhog Day. I've seen this post before, either on here, or it's been sent into a problem page like Bel Mooney or Zelda West-Meads.

Oh I see the post is a month old. Maybe it's that! It just rang some bells. Ignore me it's late!

@Sandra15 - this may be my last comment in this thread.

I've never spoken about it let alone written about it before.

Post a link if anyone finds anything as it might be from the other people involved - that would be interesting - I never thought about that having happened.

Did u ever message your friend

No. I've held on to it for so long that is not really going to be any effort to keep things the way they are and have been since it happened. I went through a long period of growing resentment about it that came to a head during the lockdowns. I won't even say I'm angry at her - how can you be angry at someone that had a moment of madness (clearly it wasn't a moment) or someone that had a panic attack, a breakdown, a psychotic episode - I don't know what happened inside her head. In him I had a friend I liked a lot and I miss that - there have been times when I could really have done with a friend like him - but it's water under the bridge - you can never make up for lost time - life moves on. I won't contact him out of respect for him - I only have to put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would feel like - I would be hurt for life if my wife did that to me and I certainly wouldn't want the other man coming back on the scene even after 25 years.

Forgot to @KenAddams you.