Opinions on a situationship

[Shesheadingonin]

Hi, looking for some advice. I have a childhood friend who I have been seeing in a type of ‘friends & lovers’ relationship. This has been going on for two years. We speak every day, we are extremely close and see each other once a fortnight due to work commitments. There are a few reasons why we are not in a relationship but the main reason is because I was in a long relationship two years ago and the break up was difficult and I’m not ready to get deeply involved in another relationship. This guy is my best friend, we tell each other the most mundane things. And we are hugely attracted to each other. Nobody knows about us.

Last night, after dtd, we were having a little chat around 2am when his phone rang. He looked at it and ignored it. This bothered me all night as I felt he was hiding something. In the morning, he could see I felt a little distant and asked me what was wrong. I asked him if it was Mike that was calling (his friend). He said ‘no’ then brushed it off. I then said I felt a little uncomfortable that he’s deliberately not saying who was calling at 2am as it was obviously a woman. If it wasn’t a woman, I’m pretty sure he would have said who it was.

He then turned to me and explained that it was a woman he was seeing 4 years ago, they had a six month relationship. Every now and then, she calls him at ridiculous hours of the night but he claims he doesn’t know why as he never answers her calls during the night. He then went on to explain that as we are not partners, he wouldn’t ask me who was calling my phone early hours. He would feel that it wouldn’t be his place to ask seeing as we are not together officially. He trusts me to do the right thing by him.

My question is: am I wrong to be bothered by the fact he doesn’t have stricter boundaries and allows women (or one woman, who knows) to call him given we are not officially together? Is he right when he says it’s not our place to ask those type of questions even though we talk about anything and everything?

For context, he would be in a relationship with me in a heartbeat but I feel like because we don’t have an official label and unable to take this public, there are perhaps less boundaries for others.

Is it a case of either making it official or cut my losses and be on my own? I just don’t want to be taken for a fool. Having temptation around and not asserting boundaries can often lead onto something else quite quickly which is exactly what happened in my last relationship. I have a feeling I’m expecting to have my cake and eat it. Just need some clarity here.

If you're not in a relationship I don't think you have much of a say.

However, seeing each other regularly, enjoying each others company, regular sex etc etc - sounds like a relationship to me.

If you're not in an exclusive relationship then I don't think you have any right to ask him who is calling at 2am tbh.

If it's bothering you then you need to discuss whether exclusivity is something you both want at this point, but you've got to be prepared for him to say no, I'm afraid, if you're not interested / ready for committment.

You have no right to know who's calling. Also you sound very immature to be hostile towards him just because he didn't tell you.

Sorry OP but you’re being unreasonable, if you’re not in an exclusive relationship with each other and are just very good friends with benefits once a fortnight then you have absolutely no right to ask or be annoyed about another woman calling him, whatever the time may be.

If you’re wanting more than a situationship then you need to communicate that to him and both of you need to decide if you want to be together and/or exclusive. Otherwise it’s fair game for both of you to talk to/meet and shag whoever you both like.

No, you don't have a right. It's obviously a love interest of his, otherwise it wouldn't have been an issue and he would have told you at the time. Plus you made it an issue, so he's even more likely to be awkard as to whoit was.

But...it sounds like a relationship to me, if not it seems that you are fucking with his head a bit.

@DeathToCovid

Sorry OP but you’re being unreasonable, if you’re not in an exclusive relationship with each other and are just very good friends with benefits once a fortnight then you have absolutely no right to ask or be annoyed about another woman calling him, whatever the time may be.

If you’re wanting more than a situationship then you need to communicate that to him and both of you need to decide if you want to be together and/or exclusive. Otherwise it’s fair game for both of you to talk to/meet and shag whoever you both like.

^ agree with that.

My question is: am I wrong to be bothered by the fact he doesn’t have stricter boundaries and allows women (or one woman, who knows) to call him given we are not officially together?

What do you mean "allows"? I suppose he could block her, but seems a bit extreme if he's happy to be in contact with her.

Have you agreed to be exclusive? Because you can't have it both ways - not really in a relationship but not allowed to have booty calls with whoever he likes.

@Shesheadingonin

You obviously really like this guy
Life is too short, tell him how you feel and say you want a proper relationship etc and then ask him to block this persons number

Job done ✅

[quote omgthepain]@Shesheadingonin

You obviously really like this guy
Life is too short, tell him how you feel and say you want a proper relationship etc and then ask him to block this persons number

Job done ✅ [/quote]
dont ask him to block a number

Control is not a great way to start a relationship.

So you've compartmentalised him, he would be official in a heartbeat but you have chosen to not be official because you don't want to be. And now you're annoyed he might speak to other women despite you repeatedly telling him, for a couple of years, that you only want to be best friends who shag and nothing more?

You've put him in a position where he has to either see people and not tell you, stop seeing you altogether or put his life on hold to see you entirely on your terms.

You don't sound like a very good friend with his best interests at heart tbh.

Thank you all for your honesty, I really do appreciate it. I actually agree with you all (apart from the immature comment) hence why I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. And yes, I think I am inadvertently messing with both of our heads. I have absolutely no right to question him and vice versa. Thank you again, outside perspective is so so helpful.

[quote omgthepain]@Shesheadingonin

You obviously really like this guy
Life is too short, tell him how you feel and say you want a proper relationship etc and then ask him to block this persons number

Job done ✅ [/quote]
All of that sounds fine except demanding him to block the number of a woman. OP has no right to do so and would be controlling, immature and unreasonable if she did.

@youvegottenminuteslynn gosh, that hurt but you have a really good point. The way you’ve put that down in writing makes me sound like a terrible friend, you’re not wrong. I think I’ve been kidding myself for two years :(

My head is a mess.

To be honest I think you should make it official!!

Well no you don't have a right to know..but of course you want to know!

[quote Shesheadingonin]@youvegottenminuteslynn gosh, that hurt but you have a really good point. The way you’ve put that down in writing makes me sound like a terrible friend, you’re not wrong. I think I’ve been kidding myself for two years :(

My head is a mess.[/quote]
Are you sure you don't want to try being official? He must feel hurt that nobody knows about you, presumably everyone thinks you're 'just' friends? I think it's time to make a decision either way and tell him what you want, really clearly, so he can make an informed decision.

If you know you'll never want to be together properly, tell him that or he's going to waste more years waiting and probably hoping you'll change your mind. Imagine from his point of view if you continue this dynamic until you DO meet someone who you want to be with and then he loses his girlfriend (which is basically what you are to him) and best friend in one swoop.

Or, if he meets someone else he will still lose you as a friend because judging from your reaction re the phone call, you don't want to be with him but also don't want him to be with someone else. You're expecting him to be available to you until you make a decision either way.

I feel sad for him. Sorry if I made you feel bad, just surprised you haven't considered whether you're actually being a good friend up until now. But it's better late than never and he deserves some certainty either way.

I would never ask anyone to block a number, absolutely not. If I ever felt the need to do that, I realise it’s over before it’s even begun.
Haven’t agreed to be exclusive and I can’t have it both ways. I realise from all your comments I’ve been massively unreasonable! Before I left him this morning, he explained the situation and we parted lovingly as always. It was bothering me all day today as I suspected I had no right to feel this way.

Well, maybe no "right", but it's a message from you to you, don't you think?

Maybe time to shit or get off the pot.

Clearly you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him op. Take the discussion on it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your honesty. He is in the entertainment industry so has a lot of female admirers. I’ve never been bothered by it or the number of women he knows, has in his phone etc. because we are so close, even coming out of a long relationship due to infidelity. This is why my feelings caught me by surprise.

I always thought I was a good friend to him as we are a real sounding board for each other and he talks to me about things he can’t speak to anyone else about. We are each other’s comfort and peace in a world of chaos (up until this morning when I stupidly questioned the call). Bloody heck, I really regret that, I let my emotions get the better of me. In two years, we’ve never said a cross word to each other, I’ve never had a situation like this where we are so respectful to one another and talk everything through. Even this morning, it was talked through so polite and lovingly.

We speak about what happens if we end up in relationships with other people in the future. He has said he cares so deeply for me that he would let me go as long as we always had a friendship. I can’t see how that would be feasible though.

I don’t want to be exclusive right now, I’m mentally not ready (as you can tell from my over reaction). I don’t want to keep him dangling either, though he said if he wanted to be with someone, he would.

Maybe I need to let him go and work on myself.

Sorry, I’m actually crying now. I really think I need to let my best friend go. This is why when people say friends with benefits don’t often work, they’re absolutely right.

Why don't you think you're ready? It's been two years since your break-up?

I'm not trying to convince you to go for it btw, if you don't feel ready, you don't.

Do you think seeing your friend like this has been a way of avoiding dealing with the fall-out from the break-up?

Maybe you should look at therapy or something to start to move past it?

You're not together so you don't get to be jealous. He is a single man.

OP, I think you’re maybe putting too much emphasis on this exclusive thing. You are emotionally invested, you are in a proper relationship in all but name. I assume you’re not seeing other people and you don’t want him to see other people. So if you become an official couple what would change? Yes, if you broke up you may lose your friend but it seems that may well happen anyway if things go on like this?

I do think you're overreacting now though. Don't cut off a mutually beneficial relationship. Just apologise and explain that you still don't want to be together and will respect if he thinks you should end the sexual side of your relationship.

The balls in his court then and you're not leading him on. It has been two years though, doesn't sound like there's much more to add that would make it a relationship other than the status and not sleeping with other people.