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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions on a situationship

42 replies

Shesheadingonin · 12/05/2021 17:37

Hi, looking for some advice. I have a childhood friend who I have been seeing in a type of ‘friends & lovers’ relationship. This has been going on for two years. We speak every day, we are extremely close and see each other once a fortnight due to work commitments. There are a few reasons why we are not in a relationship but the main reason is because I was in a long relationship two years ago and the break up was difficult and I’m not ready to get deeply involved in another relationship. This guy is my best friend, we tell each other the most mundane things. And we are hugely attracted to each other. Nobody knows about us.

Last night, after dtd, we were having a little chat around 2am when his phone rang. He looked at it and ignored it. This bothered me all night as I felt he was hiding something. In the morning, he could see I felt a little distant and asked me what was wrong. I asked him if it was Mike that was calling (his friend). He said ‘no’ then brushed it off. I then said I felt a little uncomfortable that he’s deliberately not saying who was calling at 2am as it was obviously a woman. If it wasn’t a woman, I’m pretty sure he would have said who it was.

He then turned to me and explained that it was a woman he was seeing 4 years ago, they had a six month relationship. Every now and then, she calls him at ridiculous hours of the night but he claims he doesn’t know why as he never answers her calls during the night. He then went on to explain that as we are not partners, he wouldn’t ask me who was calling my phone early hours. He would feel that it wouldn’t be his place to ask seeing as we are not together officially. He trusts me to do the right thing by him.

My question is: am I wrong to be bothered by the fact he doesn’t have stricter boundaries and allows women (or one woman, who knows) to call him given we are not officially together? Is he right when he says it’s not our place to ask those type of questions even though we talk about anything and everything?

For context, he would be in a relationship with me in a heartbeat but I feel like because we don’t have an official label and unable to take this public, there are perhaps less boundaries for others.

Is it a case of either making it official or cut my losses and be on my own? I just don’t want to be taken for a fool. Having temptation around and not asserting boundaries can often lead onto something else quite quickly which is exactly what happened in my last relationship. I have a feeling I’m expecting to have my cake and eat it. Just need some clarity here.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2021 18:58

I don’t understand op. Are you seeing other people? If not, and you’re upset he maybe, then surely that’s being exclusive? Do you want to see other peoole?

Divebar2021 · 12/05/2021 18:58

Why in gods name do you not try a relationship with him. 2 years is a long time. What are you waiting for. Opportunities don’t come along every day. If he’s that great I suspect you will kick yourself down the line if he meets someone else.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2021 19:00

Op,it makes no sense. Literally you’re saying “ I don’t want to be exclusive with him but I don’t want to see other men and I don’t want him to even speak to other women, never mind see them”. That’s exclusive.

Unsure33 · 12/05/2021 19:00

But you are in a relationship ? Probably a closer one than some others that give it an official title.

Break ups hurt and how do you know that if you let him go , then a year later you are ready and fall for someone else , that won’t end in heartbreak as well ?

Life is like that , no guarantees.

Perhaps you should just make it official and take your chances .

Lightswitchesoffatnight · 12/05/2021 19:01

@Shesheadingonin

Yes you want your cake and you want to eat it. Perhaps you need to take stock and make some choices.

Original poster

Shesheadingonin · 12/05/2021 19:02

@category12 separated over two years ago, connected with childhood friend 3 months later and unintentionally fell into this situation. Divorced now but been a terrible few years living through a pandemic with the ex as he’s been really difficult about financial split and caused huge delays and major emotional stress. ‘Friend’ was a big distraction and helped me so much through the hardest of times. He knew everything we were going through.

I’m about to move house so ‘friend’ thinks I need time on my own to find myself again (he’s absolutely right). Maybe if one or both of us don’t fall into other relationships (last thing on my mind), we will find our way back to each other. And yes, part of my healing will definitely need to include some therapy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shesheadingonin · 12/05/2021 19:04

@Deathgrip you’re right. Nothing would change if we became exclusive, we’re both only seeing each other now. The only difference would be all our friends and family would know and we’d get to see each other more often.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shesheadingonin · 12/05/2021 19:11

@Bluntness100 sorry, I didn’t give the entire picture in my first post. I was dealing with a marriage break up and he was there supporting me months after I separated. I’ve known him since I was 10. And I guess fate brought us back together as we weren’t in touch throughout my marriage or previous relationship. We fell into it and became incredibly close. I’ve only been on my own for 6 months since the age of 16 (two very long relationships). He and I agree I need time on my own to find myself and to know what I really want for myself. I’m about to move house and that is when things would cool off anyway. I realise I could be letting someone amazing go but I do need to heal and spend some time alone. I think I must walk around with a neon sign saying ‘I can’t be alone’.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/05/2021 19:12

[quote Shesheadingonin]@Deathgrip you’re right. Nothing would change if we became exclusive, we’re both only seeing each other now. The only difference would be all our friends and family would know and we’d get to see each other more often.[/quote]
So what's the downside?

Just that it might go wrong and you would feel you'd lose face?

This sounds harsh but you need to take your friendship out of the equation. A history of shagging, at least one of you clearly wanting a relationship and now obvious discomfort at one of you even potentially seeing someone else, plus sexual chemistry means you can't ever go back to being 'just' friends I'm afraid.

So it's a case of either walking away from each other in kindness, giving it a go properly or continuing how you are now knowing it's just delaying the inevitable when one of you does meet someone else. They're your options I'm afraid but he has just as much right to an autonomous decision as you do.

newtolineofduty · 12/05/2021 20:00

Yes it sounds like you want the best of both worlds OP which isn't really fair on him especially if you wouldn't be ok with him moving on from you x either be with him or don't x it's fine if you're not ready but it's not fair to limit his life because of that x

something2say · 12/05/2021 20:07

Ah I see your point.
He helped you through everything.
But now you feel you ought to be alone.
And I get that.
But he seems like a good thing?
And you have started it, whether you like it or not.
Both hearts are involved.

I'd be asking myself if I really needed that space.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2021 20:12

I think you are ruining what could be a wonderful, official relationship. What on earth are you so afraid of?

Littlepaws18 · 12/05/2021 20:12

You are stringing him along and it's not fair. You know he wants to be with you so do the right thing be with him or let him go.

As for a woman calling it can't be your business because you have clearly told him you aren't in a relationship. I would go as far to say it's manipulative bordering on abusive.

My partner suffered this at the hands of his ex for ten years, he finally realised how unhealthy and how manipulative she was being. So controlling and it really did mess up his relationships and friendships with women.

Your are in the position of power in this do the right thing, whatever that maybe.

jellyjellyinmybelly · 12/05/2021 20:18

What's the advantage of being on your own? Plenty of time for being lonely and alone if you try being exclusive and it doesn't work out. And if it does work out you would be happy anyhow

Original poster

Shesheadingonin · 12/05/2021 20:29

Apologies for the confusion, I realise I’m using the word ‘exclusive’ and ‘official’ as though they are one and the same. We are seeing each other as friends and lovers (exclusive) but not in an official relationship, ie. none of our friends and families know about us and we don’t go out on dates.
Thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:

ItsNotLoveActually · 12/05/2021 22:01

Sounds like you have fallen into a great relationship. Not what you were looking for but heck, they don't come around often. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?
Why don't you become official and try it? I get that moving house is a big thing but surely it's better with the support of a great partner?
Don't let your past define you.

Onthedunes · 13/05/2021 00:26

It sounds to me as if you are more frightened of losing him than he is of losing you.

By the sounds of it if you wished to have a relationship with him, he is not as invested in one with you, I really don't understand why you cannot be open if you both wish to be together.

Make sure he is not using you.

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