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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t WFH with my H anymore

38 replies

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:12

My H and I have been wfh since the start of the pandemic. During that time he has started working for the company I work for. I wasn’t happy about it but due to the severe stress he was under at his previous business I relented. He applied and got a job with help from my input.

I cannot continue with this to the point I am looking for a new role just to escape when I don’t feel I should have to leave. I’m in a more senior role and have a lot of experience in our area but we don’t report to the same line mangers. He constantly asks questions, asks me to check things then questions my advice. All I hear all day is him huffing and puffing as he is a bit highly strung. In the office I would be sat miles away and would be able to keep our professional and personal live separate. He talks constantly about work after office hours and during the weekend. I have always managed to switch my mind off after work and it is so draining. I didn’t mind so much when he talked about his old job as it meant nothing to me but it now makes me feel like I am always on the clock. Requests for silence are met with sulking despite me carrying out more complex work and sitting in/preparing for high profile meetings. Same goes for cutting him off from work chat after hours.

He’s doing better than he should be for the time he’s been there but honestly that’s because he gets the benefit of my advice. He’s recently been commended for something I told him to do that never occurred to him. I get no thanks or credit from him and I obviously don’t raise it at work as it’s a bit awkward.

I’ve been in occasionally to the office and it’s great. I’m left alone and feel more like myself but it’s not enough to make up for the other days at home. I don’t know what to do. It’s really affecting me mentally and making me loathe a job I actually love doing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2021 17:14

Start going to the office more? Is there a reason you can't?

Gizlotsmum · 12/05/2021 17:14

Could you maybe set some time aside at the end of the day where you talk work stuff and then it has to stop? Can you work in different rooms? Can you push his questions back to him to ask his line manager? Can you work in the office more?

Gizlotsmum · 12/05/2021 17:15

Could one of you go into the office (alternate days) so only one of you is working at home?

wingsnthat · 12/05/2021 17:17

Regardless of whether you leave or not, he will still keep asking you for questions and advice because you’re already familiar with his employer

This won’t stop unless you have a frank conversation with him and set boundaries

Tambora · 12/05/2021 17:17

Repeat after me:

"We are not being paid to talk about work outside working hours so do shut up."

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:17

I’ve only been allowed into the office a handful of times as I had some things to do that I couldn’t do from home. Long term plan for our company is getting rid of office space and more or less being home all the time. So opportunities to go in will be few and far between.

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 12/05/2021 17:18

Whether you leave your employer or not*

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 17:19

Would you normally prefer to work from home? Have to say that would drive me nuts, especially if he isn't even thanking you for any advice.

wingsnthat · 12/05/2021 17:19

Also it’s clear you both need to work from home in different rooms

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 17:19

If you change jobs but stay with him you'll still have the same problem, won't you?

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 12/05/2021 17:19

You shouldn’t have to leave but I think in your position I would be looking elsewhere unless the situation is likely to change in near future. It definitely sounds untenable.

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:20

We work in different rooms but I guess like a lot of people our house isn’t set up for long term working from home and you can hear everything given we are only ever a few feet from one another.

OP posts:
Bluey18 · 12/05/2021 17:20

If I was feeling generous I would give him 15 mins a day where he can ask me any questions he likes but outside of that no work talk. I would hate that, it's so suffocating. I hate listening to DP's constant work chat during the day, I love my 2 days in the office and would be back full time if they let me. Think you need to reassert your boundaries. If he has questions he can ask his manager.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 17:21

Do you have children together?

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:21

@HollowTalk

If you change jobs but stay with him you'll still have the same problem, won't you?
I suppose that’s right. I will always know more until he catches up and that will take years to be honest. I never would have agreed to it but in his old role I was seriously concerned for his well being if he stayed.
OP posts:
Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:23

No, no children yet.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 12/05/2021 17:23

Noise cancelling headphones.

But more importantly, a blunt conversation about I'm not discussing work with you. This is utterly ridiculous, you are an adult. Just do your job without expecting me to help, give advice or discuss it. I've got a job of my own to do and I can't hold your hand any longer.

He sounds a man child, and very unattractive. I'd be re-considering the marriage rather than the senior job I used to enjoy til he muscled in, to be brutally honest.

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:23

@HollowTalk

Would you normally prefer to work from home? Have to say that would drive me nuts, especially if he isn't even thanking you for any advice.
No I always preferred being in the office, it feels like such an intrusion for me and I like the separation.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2021 17:25

Go and work from a library or some sort of shared space?

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:26

I just feel like it’s an issue I can’t raise at work. You know a gentle nudge from his manager that he might like to seek advice from others in the team but I think his manager is secretly enjoying the fact that I’m basically doing her job!

OP posts:
Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:28

@RandomMess

Go and work from a library or some sort of shared space?
Not an option unfortunately due to the nature of the work and confidentiality involved. I considered hiring my own enclosed office but that feels pretty extreme (and expensive).
OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 12/05/2021 17:31

Maybe hes a bit insecure so wants constant reassurance. I would do what pp suggested and have say 15 mins at the end of the day to go over stuff and then that's it. Hopefully as his knowledge increases he will stop asking questions! Tbf its quite tough learning a new job when you are wfh and it can be hard to ask colleagues you dont see or know for advice.
Can you sit further away or close the door or listen to music quietly so his huffing and puffing doesnt distract you so much? DH huffs and puffs and swears all the time when wfh, just as well he isnt in the office 🤣
Leaving your job if you are otherwise happy and enjoy it is a bit drastic and you might regret it

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:37

As harsh as it sounds I’m not being paid to make him good at his job...I know it sounds weird but we both work in the same profession and it’s quite male dominated so even though he’s my husband it does feel like he’s getting a leg up when I’ve worked my backside off to get where I am. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and I should be all ‘we’re a team’ but I guess I’m not of the most traditional mindset. He has also started playing the ‘I’m too busy card’ when house stuff needs sorting but he forgets I know that job inside out and can tell when someone is really actually busy or if they are taking the piss.

OP posts:
Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:39

If it was another colleague I was doing that for I could raise it in appraisals as an example of leadership, colleague support but it’s taking up a lot of my time and mental energy and nothing to show for it.

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 12/05/2021 17:51

Office shed in the garden? Small trailer/caravan on the drive and done up as an office? Drive and park up somewhere (get a solar panel battery pack)? Library?

Or just stop helping him. It isn't your job to do his job. Put your foot down!

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