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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t WFH with my H anymore

38 replies

Missfelipe · 12/05/2021 17:12

My H and I have been wfh since the start of the pandemic. During that time he has started working for the company I work for. I wasn’t happy about it but due to the severe stress he was under at his previous business I relented. He applied and got a job with help from my input.

I cannot continue with this to the point I am looking for a new role just to escape when I don’t feel I should have to leave. I’m in a more senior role and have a lot of experience in our area but we don’t report to the same line mangers. He constantly asks questions, asks me to check things then questions my advice. All I hear all day is him huffing and puffing as he is a bit highly strung. In the office I would be sat miles away and would be able to keep our professional and personal live separate. He talks constantly about work after office hours and during the weekend. I have always managed to switch my mind off after work and it is so draining. I didn’t mind so much when he talked about his old job as it meant nothing to me but it now makes me feel like I am always on the clock. Requests for silence are met with sulking despite me carrying out more complex work and sitting in/preparing for high profile meetings. Same goes for cutting him off from work chat after hours.

He’s doing better than he should be for the time he’s been there but honestly that’s because he gets the benefit of my advice. He’s recently been commended for something I told him to do that never occurred to him. I get no thanks or credit from him and I obviously don’t raise it at work as it’s a bit awkward.

I’ve been in occasionally to the office and it’s great. I’m left alone and feel more like myself but it’s not enough to make up for the other days at home. I don’t know what to do. It’s really affecting me mentally and making me loathe a job I actually love doing.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 12/05/2021 17:51

Could you rent a desk/room anywhere?

I'd stop offering him advice, that's blurring the lines more than you need to. I can't wait for my husband to be out of the house a couple of days a week and he's fairly quiet.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/05/2021 17:57

You need a sit down talk. They can be quite draining so pick a Friday evening.

He has to work this one out, set his ego aside and stop being self centred. You are not his support human, you are his wife and, in this company, senior to him. He needs to be able to say that out loud without his ego shivering!

Once he can do that you can set mutually agreed boundaries, compromises and, basically, save your sanity and marriage!

RandomMess · 12/05/2021 18:03

I would tell him in writing that his behaviour and expectations of your help are making you want to leave your job because it's making you do unhappy.

That what you NEED is x y z and like you supported him in leaving his old job you need his support now in staying in a job that you loved until he started with his abc behaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2021 18:19

@Missfelipe

As harsh as it sounds I’m not being paid to make him good at his job...I know it sounds weird but we both work in the same profession and it’s quite male dominated so even though he’s my husband it does feel like he’s getting a leg up when I’ve worked my backside off to get where I am. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and I should be all ‘we’re a team’ but I guess I’m not of the most traditional mindset. He has also started playing the ‘I’m too busy card’ when house stuff needs sorting but he forgets I know that job inside out and can tell when someone is really actually busy or if they are taking the piss.
As harsh as it sounds, you need to tell him to stop fucking treating you as his unpaid assistant / tutor / skivvy / servant!

Seriously, he is taking the piss. You can either sit down together and have A Talk, or you can wait until you become so enraged at his selfishness that you explode and rip the face off him with a tongue-lashing.

You need to tell him that during the day you are working and you do not want to hear his question - he is, with immediate effect, to raise his questions with his team/manager. You are not available! And you will not tolerate his huffing, puffing, or sulking either.

And, you need to tell him that after work - you are not working. You are clocked off, and your time is for you, not your employer and he needs to STFU.

And I'd maybe be throwing in a 'if you don't like it tough shit' while I was at it.

He is treating you as his support human, and that is not acceptable at all.

C152 · 12/05/2021 18:19

As harsh as it sounds, I would stop helping him. Anytime he asks you a question, say something like, "have you had a chat with Line Manager / name colleague in his team, I'm sure they'd be able to help with that."

Then just be clear you like to switch off when you're not at work, so could he try to discuss other areas of life, as constantly being 'on call' is affectinng you and your relationship with him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2021 18:21

Oh, and if he comes to you with a question - do not answer his question, tell him to talk to his team / manager. Every. Fucking. Time.

Annasgirl · 12/05/2021 18:25

OK Op, I'm going to be really, really harsh here - STOP all helping.

NO, he does not get to benefit in work from you being better at this job than him (they hired him, they are not paying him as much as you - they paid him for what he can do - so let HIM do it)

BUT - you have a much bigger problem - you do not like him anymore - I don't blame you, I don't like him and I don't even know him.

Please, think about keeping the job and dumping the man.

Annasgirl · 12/05/2021 18:28

Also, he is treating you like you are there to make him appear good - I don't think you believe that is your role on this earth, so stop this now. Tell him, no more help from you.

And he has to do 50% of all housework (or, according to MN wisdom, because you are senior and ,therefore, earning more, he has to do 60% of the housework - or is that only if the man is earning more Hmm)

But, really, consider what he brings to your life, that is worth all this stress.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 23:14

Personally I'd reconsider the relationship. You are thinking of leaving your job because of him. You're unhappy at home because of him. He's riding on your coat tails and not giving you any credit. And now he's slacking on housework. FFS!!!

DateXY · 12/05/2021 23:26

@Missfelipe

As harsh as it sounds I’m not being paid to make him good at his job...I know it sounds weird but we both work in the same profession and it’s quite male dominated so even though he’s my husband it does feel like he’s getting a leg up when I’ve worked my backside off to get where I am. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and I should be all ‘we’re a team’ but I guess I’m not of the most traditional mindset. He has also started playing the ‘I’m too busy card’ when house stuff needs sorting but he forgets I know that job inside out and can tell when someone is really actually busy or if they are taking the piss.
The problem is you and your lack.of boundaries. Just stop answering incessant questions and rebuff him when he's pretending to be busy then problem.solved!! Confused He probably thinks you're not actually that busy because if you were, you wouldn't be answering so many of his questions. I'm as helpful as they come but whenever I'm.busy there's no way I'm physically able to answering non urgent questions.
littlebite · 13/05/2021 13:20

If you're not firm with him op he's gonna end up more senior than you because of his sex advantage and your brains/talent!

ElGuardiandenoche · 13/05/2021 13:53

I think it’s time to call time on this relationship. He is very much becoming a cock lodger.

What is the position with housing? Is it a joint mortgage or joint tenancy?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/05/2021 15:14

Id not have a child with a man who is already acting like a child.

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