OH cheated 2 years ago... only just found out

[boymum2020]

So I got sent a message on FB saying my OH cheated on me while I was pregnant. Which was almost 2 years ago. They claim it was their friend, my OH work colleague, who would give him lifts home occasionally and they would go out on nights out as part of a group.

I don’t believe but I do.
I just can’t believe it. But why would they make it up.
I honestly wouldn't have guessed it but now I can see it.
I feel so numb. I don’t want to believe it. But I can’t see why they would make something like that up.

I want to ask but I don’t. A part of me doesn’t want it confirmed. He doesn’t work with the woman anymore as we moved cities.

Atm I feel like my world has been thrown upside down. I keep asking myself do I leave him over this?
Cheating is a big thing to me, I left 2 boyfriends as I found out they had 1 night stands when drunk, but now we are engaged, have a house, a DS. And if you asked me other day if I loved him I would have said yes.

But now I look at him and not know who he actually is. Feel like my whole pregnancy was a lie and god knows what else.

I’m also a SAHM, so we share the money, but he has all of it, and sends me money, and gives me his card to buy things. We had assumed that when DS turned 2 I’d return back to work, as we have no family round here and childcare was so expensive.

I have an idea to stay for 1.5 years. This will give me enough time to gain money behind me, as leaving now would mean having almost nothing. And if I confront him about the cheating I’m worried he would make it difficult to leave, as it would mean I would be moving back to be closer to my family for help.

I'd want proof tbh

Yes get proof first before doing anything.

Why would someone wait for two years to let you know 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Up to you what you do with this. Life isn’t black and white. And you are in a vulnerable place with a small child and not working.
I’d consider it all - the relationship as it currently is, your life, your future plans.

I would want some proof - it’s a bit statement for someone to just think he cheated, maybe there was flirting, a snog even but nothing more maybe it was full on sex for years and still happening - until you know it’s hard to make a decision.

He will need to pay you money regardless so why wait if you want to go after finding out more about the above.

Was there an opportunity for him to cheat? Was he out a lot / overnight etc?

I'm wondering what the person who's "friend" it was has to gain from the situation. Part of me is wondering are they a sh*t stirrer who clearly wants to hurt someone.

Only proof she had was certain dates that he had gone back to hers and had sex.
And when I checked the messages on my phone the dates (except one) was when he was working late.
The rest was stories her friend had told her.

She claimed to tell me now as she thought what he friend had done was awful and thought I deserved to know. When I asked why now, she said it's because she's fed up of her friends behaviour, and people should know the truth.

So she's trying to get at her friend by destroying peoples lives! She's a shitty person for a start x

Chances are it's true OP but I wouldn't do anything hasty. How likely would he be to admit it? Could you forgive? I've always thought cheating would be a deal breaker but in all honesty I'd find it so difficult to give up seeing my daughter every day if I felt my OP was truly sorry, so I think it depends how good your relationship/family life is outside of the potential cheating x

I would be mad in your shoes but think cold for now. See what you can confirm without going back to the person who told you. Do not leave to have a shitty life. Wait until you have a good amount of savings. Women who have affairs are sometimes eager for the wife/girlfriend to find out so that they separate or break up. This may be the friend telling you to help the woman who had the affair.

Try to get back to work and save, save, save. It will be a bit easier when you DS is at school all day. Obviously, there is always a chance that is a lie but if you ask your husband may be you will be out sooner without a proper exit plan.

Good luck and keep strong for you and your child.

Urgh how horrible for you. What an asshole your OH is. He thinks he got away with it and couldn't be happier. Personally I'd be so angry and would defiantly leave him

I'd be grateful to someone telling/proving to me my Husband was a cheat.

Knowing this will help you make your own decisions before making him aware you know.

Im sorry OP, good luck with whatever you decide to do. 🌸

What a shitty message to send you.

How is your relationship right now?
If you hadn't received this message, would everything be okay and normal?

If it was 2 years ago, then maybe something happened and he might deeply regret it and never want to go there again?

This is a horrible situation for you. There is no right or wrong answer.

Our relationship is/was good, I've had a tough year with PND and PNA and he has been great for the most parts. Some times he doesn't understand and we argue but I don't think men can fully understand it.

Last month we talked about Baby N.2, which he brought up, but I don't feel ready yet. But he 'hoped to have another DS running around that he can chase soon'

And now I really don't feel ready for.

If it wasn't for the messages everything would have been fine I guess.
He provides for our family, he looks after me & DS.

He worked over a lot during my pregnancy due to us buying a house, and changing city due to him getting a job promotion. So there were more days he worked later. But the dates she said were the dates he worked really late.

I think it’s very probablybtrue given what you said about very late work— women can be very spiteful to each other- certain types of women anyway. Certainly I would say nothing— but protect yourself, get some cash available - Then say something and gauge the reaction. Tell him he has one chance to tell you the truth and that you’ve had an email— dontcsay who it was from or what it says. Tell him if he lies then you are ending it — then decide what to do

Definitely don’t have a second baby for now x

Hang on what kind of friend keep a record of the dates their so called friend had sex with an unavailable (practically married) man?

That’s strange for starters, it’s also this so called OW supposedly always text this friend to say when she had seen/slept your partner, I don’t know about you but I don’t broadcast to my friends when I’ve had sex, do you? Especially when it’s with a man who already has a partner and a pregnant partner no less!!

I also can’t understand this person contacting you about this now after all this time. Sure she may be fed up with her friends behaviour, but you’d think she’d be busy telling the poor girlfriend of the current unavailable man this woman is having an affair with, not you!

The dates may add up, but something about this just doesn’t ring true for me.

@Lillygolightly

Hang on what kind of friend keep a record of the dates their so called friend had sex with an unavailable (practically married) man?

That’s strange for starters, it’s also this so called OW supposedly always text this friend to say when she had seen/slept your partner, I don’t know about you but I don’t broadcast to my friends when I’ve had sex, do you? Especially when it’s with a man who already has a partner and a pregnant partner no less!!

I also can’t understand this person contacting you about this now after all this time. Sure she may be fed up with her friends behaviour, but you’d think she’d be busy telling the poor girlfriend of the current unavailable man this woman is having an affair with, not you!

The dates may add up, but something about this just doesn’t ring true for me.

It would most likely be the OW herself pretending to be this "friend".

What would anyone else have to gain from making up a story to cause trouble for OP and her partner?

OP, there's no hurry to decide what you will do. I would go back to work and definitely not TTC in the meantime.

Oh OP, I feel for you. What a shock. The fact the dates add up is concerning. This doesn’t mean you have to split up though. Do what’s right for you and your little one.

The other thing is, could this be the OW wanting you to split up? It may not be a ‘friend’.

@category12 that’s kind of the point I was making, I obviously neglected to actually make it

Whoever is messaging you, her motives are not pure and not benign.

I’d tell her you’d confronted your partner, he’d confessed all in great contrition, told you the affair meant nothing and you’d both agreed to put it behind you and that you’re trying for another baby.

Shoot her down in flames as much as you can, then decide what you really want to do. If your current life gets dismantled, make sure that’s by your agency, not hers.

You've had a terrible shock. But something here doesn't fit right. If it is a friend, why would they know dates etc.

If it is really the OW pretending to be the friend, why wait until now?

Sit tight. Do nothing for now.

(Obviously your OH has huge responsibility for this situation too. But taking the situation from where it’s at now, in your shoes I’d want as many cards in my hand as possible.)

Do you have anything financially to fall back on if you separate?

I might be tempted to just say 'I know'. Then see what she says next.
I'd also look through his phone without saying anything, though. Probably not a nice thing to do but from experience it's fairly telling.

I am so sorry OP what an awful message to receive. Its difficult because on the one hand many people say they would like to be told but on the other from a complete stranger it can be hard to believe. Do you have any other details from this person such as their "friend's" name? If this was me, I would find a quiet time to sit down with your partner and ask him. I know that some will advocate finding proof first, but to be honest if there is nothing to find you will drive yourself mad looking and if this is genuinely a fabrication you will do more harm than good to your relationship.

Sit down and calmly show him the messages. His reaction will tell you more than anything else.

People shit stir sometimes. This isn't quite the same but when I met my husband I was still living at home and he used to pick me up regularly for dates etc. The neighbour that lived opposite who knew my DH from the local pub took it upon himself to get absolutely shitfaced and bang on our door to inform my dad that DH was already married 😳 You can imagine how well that went down! DH was not married and not in a relationship at all. Luckily I asked DH outright, who actually confronted this man as to why he said that. The neighbour's reaction showed clearly he had made it up. I still have no idea why.

Talk to him OP. You will know whether he is being truthful or not.