Is being bored and uninterested a reason to separate?

[Findmeinthefields]

I’ve told my Dh of 20 years I want to separate. He’s devastated and wants to do everything possible to work it out. We have counselling lined up.
The problem is, he does nothing wrong. He’s a good husband and father. He works hard, is dependable, worships me and does anything for me. However, I no longer want to spend time with him, go on holidays or days out with him like I used to. It sounds harsh but he has nothing to talk about. He has no hobbies or interests and never does anything other than go to work or be at home. His world revolves around me.
It’s me who has changed. I’ve recently met someone (not in an affair way just as a friend) who is educated, intelligent and cares about people. We have great conversations and share the same values. We talk about books and film and current affairs. I want those things in my partner but it’s not going to happen as from completely different backgrounds.
I’ve been happy with my dh for the best part of 20 years but over the last year or so I’ve questioned whether he is the person I want to be sat talking to into my 50s, 60s and beyond. I’ve found I’m irritated by him constantly. I’m the ‘do’er and organiser of everything and he just goes along with it.
We’ve no children but the financial side of things worry me but wouldn’t stop me making a decision.
Did anyone separate in similar circumstances and if so, how do you feel looking back?
One part of me thinks think yourself lucky you’ve got such a supportive husband but the other side says, life’s too short to plod. Feeling torn

You can separate for any reason you want but are you sure it's nothing to do with this new person, it sounds like it is tbf

My feelings do predate this other person somewhat but I agree, it may be something to do with them too. In that I want someone more like them

Sounds like your eyes have been opened and you realized that you don’t have to stay with someone that you have nothing in common with even after all those years together, that there are options.
You are completely entitled to end your relationship because of this reason, just make sure you have thought your choice trough and trough and that you’re sure you’ll still be content with it in a few years from now and if you don’t end up with that new person that you have recently met.
You should make this choice for YOU only.

It's a classic grass might be greener scenario, you've met someone you're comparing to your DH, and have decided you might be better off. It's absolutely to do with this other person.
You have to do what's right for you, but if the truth is you're leaving your Dh for this other person, then firstly, you should admit that rather than find any other reason. Secondly, make sure they're actually interested, or you may realise you've made a mistake and end up with nothing. Good luck

There is no likelihood of being with the other person. They’re very happily married to an equally lovely person.
Im happy to end up alone with the prospect I may meet someone similar in the future. But the grass being greener scenario is a worry for me but I do have to keep reminding myself I felt like this before the other person..... just maybe not as strongly?

Yeah you've had your head turned and it's as simple as that. Your husband has been weighed and measured and been found wanting, as the saying goes.

Of course you can leave him for any reason. But you know yourself that not many long time married folk are sitting around of an evening debating films and dissecting books.

I think you’re right but I can’t unknow this feeling now. It changes how I feel about my dh. Maybe that will subside. Who knows.

It honestly seems a good enough reason for me OP.

If you will be happy in your own company because you can't assume you would find another compatible partner.

DH and I have been together 26 years and still talk regularly about books, films and news. ( I do also have to listen to a lot of dull chat about his other interests)

But I would be doubtful about staying with someone I didn't actually want to spend time with on holiday etc.

That’s reassuring lakeside life. I know my friend and his wife do too, 30 years down the line. It’s the mutual respect and interest in the other person I’m missing.
I’d be happy if he had anything dull to talk about in regards to his interests as he doesn’t have any.

Thanks lakesidelife as does my friend and his wife of 30 years. I wouldn’t mind my dh talking about the dull stuff if he had any interests.
I want to respect and be interested in my partner but i just don’t feel how I used to about him. I’ve changed a lot since I was 20 but he has stayed the same. I went to university later in life and began working in a much more left wing area and my values align with that. My husband is quite narrow minded and it grates a lot.
I’ve got to a point where it doesn’t really matter why I feel like this, just that I do now

OP, I left my first marriage for these same reasons— I too had my eyes opened by someone else but i didn’t leave because of him- Ironically I remarried someone quite similar to the ‘eye opening’ person and it’s still has issues just different ones — I would say leave only if you are the kind of person who would be quite happy to be not in a relationship—

I think you should let your h go so he, too, can find someone better suited to him. You sound like you're doing him a favour being with him.

Struggling with the connection and double replying!

Thanks for posting. Interesting perspective especially in that youve still got issues just different ones. Do you regret leaving the first time?
I’m very happy with my own company. I’m quite excited about the prospect. Though I’m aware that may wear off after the honeymoon period. I think because I’m so irritated and things are tense here being alone seems a better option.
I just don’t want o get 5 years down the line and be thinking the same thing or have regrets; either way.

Some people believe their spouse or partner will magically change when the baby comes, there are endless threads on here featuring men who tried to bully the mothers of their children into unwanted terminations, who were shitty partners, and then when the baby came they morphed into a 'great dad'.

Thanks lakesidelife as does my friend and his wife of 30 years. I wouldn’t mind my dh talking about the dull stuff if he had any interests.
I want to respect and be interested in my partner but i just don’t feel how I used to about him. I’ve changed a lot since I was 20 but he has stayed the same. I went to university later in life and began working in a much more left wing area and my values align with that. My husband is quite narrow minded and it grates a lot.
I’ve got to a point where it doesn’t really matter why I feel like this, just that I do now

You've outgrown him. There is a pleasant, dull woman who would love to watch telly with him for the next two decades although sadly he probably hasn't enough go in him ever to meet her.

As others have said you don't need a specific reason to end a relationship but if you feel the reason you have is enough then thats your choice. However that said I do feel sad when I read threads like this where you can write about him in such a positive light saying he is a good Husband and Father and he adores you and would do anything for you but you feel your just not getting enough out of the relationship now.

I am sure at the beginning of your relationship if you think back you had plenty to talk about and it does sounds to me as though speaking to this new friend has turned your head to what you feel your missing now. Just remember your DH can't compete (and shouldn't) and your relationship with him can't compete, as they say we always want what we think we can't have.

Of course its not always black and white I know and as you said you now can't unring that bell but its time to be honest with your DH about what your feeling so that you can both decide how to move forward. Sometimes the threat of losing the ones we love (from your DH side) is enough to spark a change and the dynamic might shift in your relationship or it may just push you enough to end it.

Good luck

Struggling with the connection and double replying!

@katy1213

You've outgrown him. There is a pleasant, dull woman who would love to watch telly with him for the next two decades although sadly he probably hasn't enough go in him ever to meet her.

I split up with my partner of ~15 years at Christmas. katy1213 nailed how it was. I had a home-loving, laid back partner who liked nothing more than sitting on the sofa every night, watching the same programs. No interests or hobbies, and not interested in news/politics/science etc. I met someone who I got a 'head connection' with. We spent a lot of time talking and he was the catalyst for me to get out of the rut I was plodding along in. He and I were not, and will not be, together; but being on my own now is SOOOOOO much better than being with someone who was holding me back.

It's a script. You've started an EA with this other guy and now you're looking at your husband as some boring old fart.

Poor guy. He's done everything right by you but you're gonna shit all over him all the same. He deserves somebody better than you.

That’s reassuring, thanks for replying. I feel positive about being alone.

I wouldn’t class it as an EA at all, just a friendship. I’ve been completely honest with my dh about how I feel too.