Is being bored and uninterested a reason to separate?

[Findmeinthefields]

I’ve told my Dh of 20 years I want to separate. He’s devastated and wants to do everything possible to work it out. We have counselling lined up.
The problem is, he does nothing wrong. He’s a good husband and father. He works hard, is dependable, worships me and does anything for me. However, I no longer want to spend time with him, go on holidays or days out with him like I used to. It sounds harsh but he has nothing to talk about. He has no hobbies or interests and never does anything other than go to work or be at home. His world revolves around me.
It’s me who has changed. I’ve recently met someone (not in an affair way just as a friend) who is educated, intelligent and cares about people. We have great conversations and share the same values. We talk about books and film and current affairs. I want those things in my partner but it’s not going to happen as from completely different backgrounds.
I’ve been happy with my dh for the best part of 20 years but over the last year or so I’ve questioned whether he is the person I want to be sat talking to into my 50s, 60s and beyond. I’ve found I’m irritated by him constantly. I’m the ‘do’er and organiser of everything and he just goes along with it.
We’ve no children but the financial side of things worry me but wouldn’t stop me making a decision.
Did anyone separate in similar circumstances and if so, how do you feel looking back?
One part of me thinks think yourself lucky you’ve got such a supportive husband but the other side says, life’s too short to plod. Feeling torn

Too many people think that someone being 'nice and kind' is enough reason to spend a lifetime with them. That is a pretty low bar.

However, this is not the 50s where you needed someone to financially look after you and the kids - so not abusing you and not cheating was something to be grateful for. Now, many women want partners who they have more of a connection with, someone who they could spend an entire weekend locked up with and not be bored senseless. So you are not asking for much.

What you have described is that you and DH have just grown and evolved in different ways - and his lack of interests, hobbies and conversation is leaving you lonely and unfulfilled. That is a good reason to leave. Meeting your friend has shown you that different types of relationships do exist - he has such a marriage, and it has opened your eyes to what already sensed was missing before. It is a sad fact of life that people do change, and with it, so do relationships and marriages.

It will hurt your husband, but it will be hurt far more for him to spend the rest of his life with someone who wishes he were different. Before you make the decision, see if there is any way to get him to develop his own interests or hobbies? If you have tried, and he simply is not that way inclined, there's not a lot else you can do.

It is a hard decision, but ultimately one that is best for both you and him. You may never meet the type of man you want, but at least you will live with the hope, and can make your life how you need it.

For what it's worth, I left my marriage to a nice, kind, supportive man who I had never been that attracted to. I always felt like something was missing. After I left, I had relationships with men I did have that attraction to, and though they didn't work out, the relationships were no worse than the marriage I had left. In fact I had felt much happier in them and it showed me how much I valued physical attraction. It was the thing that made it easier for me to compromise and enjoy the relationship more - I was a different person in those relationships. Nicer, happier and more full of life.

My current relationship is with someone who is nice, kind and I am attracted to him. Not once have I regretted leaving my exH. He is with a woman who loves him more than I did, and happy. And I am happy not having to compromise on something important to me.

Good luck whatever you decide!

@wanadu2022. Beautifully put- I can only think anyone commenting that basically the OP should just go on as she is and poor husband has pretty low expectations or they’ve been crapped on themselves . No wonder so many women I see out and about with partners look unhappy if the expectation is that anyone just ‘puts up with it. The OP wasn’t having an affair, although clearly got a bit closer than advised to someone. Sometimes it takes that to make you realise your marriage dynamics are all wrong.

Thank you so much for this very thoughtful reply. It really is helpful to hear your experiences and worth a lot to me.
I’ve been brutally honest with my dh about what I think is lacking and how this other person has shone a light on our relationship. This was a couple of months ago and since then he’s been trying very hard to change and has actually just told me he’s taken up a new hobby or two. I’m not sure it’s going to be that simple but I’ve agreed to give it time, do the counselling etc and take it from there. I wish I still felt how I did a couple of years ago but I can’t see it changing.
Thank you again. I really appreciate it 😊

I do know totally how you feel— set yourself a timeframe and see how you feel— sadly even us long time marrieds simply fall out of love— there are no good guys/bad guys just a rather hard to climb mountain of semi
Indifference. We can often still care about the other person a great deal too— but not enough to really fancy or connect. I find some people don’t care about that, but others do and personally I found I just couldn’t be up for sex at all (and it was still expected) when that connection/attraction went west . Ignore the ‘put up and shut up’ brigade- they are not living with your own situation

I'll get flamed for this, but..

I think the majority of men get less interesting with age. They feel they have 'achieved' and don't need to better themselves. They settle into routines. Women get more confident, less constrained by societal nonsense with age and thus more interesting.

So by all means leave if you think life alone would be more stimulating, but not in the hope of finding someone more interesting, as you'll likely be picking through others rejects, of course there are exceptions.

I separated from my husband nearly two years ago for similar reasons after 26 years together. He is a very nice person but completely lacking in any independent thought. Any family activities, holidays, meals out etc were always suggested and organised by me. If I ever asked him what he wanted to do the reply was always “I don’t mind”; if we went out for a meal he’d always ask what I was having before making his choice, on the rare occasion he cooked he’d always ask what I thought he should make.

It became totally exhausting having to think for two people all the time. He was devastated and still can’t understand what he did wrong.

I’ll admit that the last year being alone has been difficult but it would have been so much worse if we’d stayed together.

@WaterBottle123

I'll get flamed for this, but..

I think the majority of men get less interesting with age. They feel they have 'achieved' and don't need to better themselves. They settle into routines. Women get more confident, less constrained by societal nonsense with age and thus more interesting.

So by all means leave if you think life alone would be more stimulating, but not in the hope of finding someone more interesting, as you'll likely be picking through others rejects, of course there are exceptions.

100% agree. Women become more fabulous as we have stopped working towards the goals of marriage, houses and babies. We get ourselves back when the babies are grown but we are a shiny, confident and assertive version.

Men enjoy the sofa more.

My ex, although intelligent, was also narrow minded, sexist and when he did express an opinion, he expressed it as fact, without backing it up with any research. So we either didn't chat or if we did it was basically statements of facts from him and this led to arguments.

Conversation is super important to me and something that I wouldn't be able to compromise on. They have to have good values too. I have some male friends (and female too) who are nice but they have such gammon views on Brexit, politics, the environment, gender etc that it has affected my friendship. I've lost respect for them and once lockdown is over I won't go out of my way to spend time.with them.

Op, whilst you feel you may have grown during your relationship you have (no doubt) also been supported by your DH to have that growth. Is he the type to be unselfish? Perhaps loving too much so that he self sacrifices? Does he suffer with low confidence to do new activities?

If so HE would benefit from solo counselling so that he learns how to focus on himself. Why not support him on his growth, give it a timeline, maybe a year and then see how life is. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to help him get out of a rut BUT you can sign post and support him whilst he tries. The fact that he listens and isn't defensive is a great sign that he can change.

Don't take his good traits for granted...good men are rarely single. The interesting happy loyal men stay married because they can commit. If you separate assume you may stay single or have relationships where fidelity isn't a given.

@WaterBottle123, I think you often get extremes with single men, they are either sofa surfers or become obsessed with activities "adventures" and want a woman to slot around their busy lives.

I do feel rather sorry for your DH tbh

It sounds as if he’s supported you financially while you went to university and took up your left wing work (which I’m guessing is not that well paid) and now you think he’s dull. Maybe if he’d had the financial support you’ve had he’d have been able to follow a path more like yours, develop more interests?

If I’ve got the wrong end of the stick then apologies

@Hilarysides glad it's not just me thinking this. It js great to watch my female friends becoming the best versions of themselves. Their husband just seem so uninterested in growth, widening their horizons etc.

@Fireflygal yes true!

I agree with @Fireflygal

I do 100% believe you can end a relationship for any reason or no reason. If you could support him into finding some outside interests (I know we shouldn't have to fix or support men but I feel in this case if he is as good of a man as you say he is then it is worth it) and they don't have to be yours, you could get your interest back in him. I would also give him a years timeline (I wouldn't tell him that though as he has to want to do it for himself).

@WaterBottle123

I'll get flamed for this, but..

I think the majority of men get less interesting with age. They feel they have 'achieved' and don't need to better themselves. They settle into routines. Women get more confident, less constrained by societal nonsense with age and thus more interesting.

So by all means leave if you think life alone would be more stimulating, but not in the hope of finding someone more interesting, as you'll likely be picking through others rejects, of course there are exceptions.

So true!

They achieve their goals/tasks and then want to potter around, are less keen to socialise or do new things. Ok bit of a generalisation but seems to be happening with lots of my friends partners.

To be fair to middle aged men - I think some are exhausted from years of work. They haven’t all had the chance to connect with their local community or make a wide range of friends. Partly cultural/historical and not seeing their own dads do that.

You can separate for any reason, but I would say put a lot of time and energy into relating, really relating to your husband.

You can end a relationship for any reason, OP.

As an aside, for those who think it's emotional affair territory -- not necessarily. For a friend and former colleague, I think I was the person who opened his eyes to the possibility of a more interesting life, though I had no idea of this at the time because I had no idea how different my life was to his.

I only met his (very nice) wife a few times, as it was a friendship that mostly happened at work and we both commuted a long way in opposite directions so virtually never socialised much outside of work, so can't really comment on how 'stale' his marriage was, but as well as having a good intellectual connection, I think he had simply implicitly accepted for years that life in your 40s and 50s with children involved going to work and coming home and sitting on the sofa watching TV. He'd let all his friendships slide, and did nothing outside of work but game.

At some level he could not get over the fact that DH and I (mostly taking turns as we had a young child and there was very little babysitting available where we lived, and we had no family in the UK) went out in the evenings, maintained friendships, had a lot of interests, travelled, had lived in lots of countries and were planning another move etc etc.

In this case, I certainly didn't 'turn his head' in any personal way. He's now divorced. (Unfortunately, from his life over the last few years I now live in a different country it seems as though he tends to fall back into 'inertia' after the initial excitement in any new relationship, so in fact the sofa-sitting attitude to life must come from him...)

You have fallen out of love with your DH. If you stay it's sounds like you would be settling rather than wanting to spend time together. Maybe you have just outgrown him. Better to leave and remain friends than to plod on unsatisfied. Also it gives him a chance to find someone else who might appreciate him more.

Look at bill and Melinda gates, pots of money,very interesting lives , no doubt lots of non soda related activity and it still wasn’t enough to keep them married. Maybe she doesn’t fancy him and he wanted sex twice a week or vice Versa — who knows what the reasons are for others falling out of love- but it’s totally your call ,provided as you say that you aren’t rushing into it on the basis of meeting someone else who ticks all the boxes and would be happy to be on your own

Should of course be sofa related activity- not soda!!

I actually think it's unkind to stay with someone if you don't feel romantically attached / attracted to them. It means they don't have the chance to be with someone who does feel that way about them. If I knew that my partner felt that way about me I would much rather he left.

@Newgirls

To be fair to middle aged men - I think some are exhausted from years of work. They haven’t all had the chance to connect with their local community or make a wide range of friends. Partly cultural/historical and not seeing their own dads do that.

@Newgirls hmmm I think middle aged women are more exhausted though, generally having shouldered paid work and wife-work!

So true!!

I think that you maybe should give your husband a chance to change, but ultimately if you feel dissatisfied with your marriage, then there's nothing wrong with calling time on it. My own DH had got into a terrible rut a few years ago with being work obsessed to the point that he was just boring and TBH a bit difficult to be with. He did no exercise, didn't want to try anything new, was just so focussed on work. I seriously feared for the longevity of our relationship, and told him so, to his credit he has turned things round and regained a lot of his previous fun personality. Your DH does sound like a kind man, and he must have excited you once 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣, he's maybe just lost his way a bit.

But if things don't improve I guess that you need to decide what you really want from your life.

'You're a long time dead', as the saying goes, so if you aren't happy, you need to take positive steps to get your life back on track.

How can he be a good father if you don't have any kids?