Son's marriage lasted less than a year

[lilacsandjasmine]

Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Son thought he'd met the love of his life. They met, dated, lived together for about 2 - 3 years, got engaged (he designed an elaborate treasure hunt across the city ending in their favorite restaurant), and planned the marriage. It was during that last year that I started to get nervous that this wasn't the right mix.

EVERYTHING was about the wedding. I HAD to chose a a dress of a specific color to match the wedding party perfectly - only one complementary color was allowed. Odles of money was spent by the brides family. We were chewed out when we didn't immediately sign up as guests on the wedding site (we're the in-laws - I think we're going!) one week after the invitations went out even though the reply by date was a month away. As the MIL, I did my best not to make waves, but I distinctly remember walking sadly through a lush garden at the wedding and thinking, "what a beautiful place to be so miserable!" Still, I was willing to tough it out for my son's sake if she was the one he really wanted.
It was definitely the perfect wedding, delicious food, bride and groom danced a special dance, we lit sparklers to wish them well at the end, etc.
When they were done, and back home again, she went off for work for several months - traveling, came back for a few weeks, and then left again for another job. This was only about 4 months later. At about 4 1/2 months, she returned from her second job to tell him that she had hooked up with a guy romantically (no sex though), and now wasn't sure if she really loved my son. He arranged counseling immediately, and she wanted him to fix (his part of) what she didn't like about their marriage to see if she might still want to stay with him. She even suggested that they live in separate apartments and date other people. After two months of counseling, he asked her if they could separate, so she left to stay with a relative for a while (this was during COVID lockdown). When she came back, he left to stay with us. He went back once, for a week, to get his stuff and see if they could find common ground while he was there, but it didn't go well. After he returned home to us, they did continue to counsel for a while long distance, but they couldn't agree to anything that they both were willing to try as a compromise. Such a very sad thing for both of them. It did and didn't surprise me. I had a hunch, but I was hoping it was wrong. My son is still working through the technicalities of the divorce now. I'm just hoping the rejection he experienced through this won't cloud all future feelings he might have about relationships. Would love to hear your stories and how things turned out if you've also experienced something like this.

He’ll be ok. Just be supportive and listen. Don’t say ‘I told you so’ or that you had earlier thoughts this wouldn’t work out. Be neutral, and be there. Good luck

Our neighbours dd split up 2 weeks after the wedding.
Everyone knew it was a bad match but her parents got too caught up in wedding excitement and actually being married was not considered.

Your ds will be ok. He will find someone new and he'll know the difference when he's in a relationship with the right person.

Happened my cousin , fairytale wedding , purchased a big house in the country and she left him for someone else within the year. He was devastated at the time but years on now he has rebuilt his life, got a new job and new hobbies and he has a great life now.

My brother has been married twice. Both times didn't make it to their first anniversary.

A relative of mine made it to 18 months before divorcing. He was from the UK working overseas. Met a woman. They were together a year, then his contract ended. So they got married to allow him to stay in her country. It was a genuine marriage, they really did want to be together, but he'd admit that it was too soon, he didn't know her well enough.

Once married, she seemed to expect him to sever a lot of ties to his old life. He regularly met up with other British expat friends to have a Sunday roast, watch a football match, just be around people who were from home. But she didn't understand why he needed to do that. As far as she was concerned her friends were now his friends and he didn't need others who weren't friends of them as a couple.

She was very close to her family, round at her parents almost daily. She got cross that he didn't want to be around his 'new family' that much.

So one day she packed a bag and went back to mummy and daddy. Refused to compromise and let him have some bits of his life that weren't her life. He got over it quickly, he'd been unhappy for most of the marriage. Met someone else within months, is still with her 5 years later and has individual citizenship, so doesn't need marriage to keep him in the country.

A few couples I've known in recent years seem to get carried away with dreams of a celebrity wedding.

Two of them were divorced before they paid off the loan the took out to pay for the wedding and honeymoon.

How old is your son? He sounds young so has time to put this behind him and find someone else.

Lots of people want the wedding, some dont seem to think about the marriage.

As pp said, big celebrity weddings.
Friend of a friend getting married this year, £40k at least going on the wedding, cant see it lasting 40 weeks beyond the big day.

Quite a few of my friends divorced within a year or two after their first marriages. Second marriages seem to be more successful.

I got divorced very quickly after marrying. My now ex left me for an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and upped and left within a 2 week period and never saw or heard from him again! We’d been together for 3 years before we married and in the end we were only actually married about 7 months!

It was really shit at the time (particularly because I was a single parent who had already been separated once before!- I had left dds dad when she was 6 months old due to it being an abusive relationship and she was now about 5) so that was horrible but honestly now many years on I barely think about it all apart from threads like this. It feels like a lifetime ago and like I was a different person. Just be supportive and loving and I’m sure he will be fine.

I met my now dh a couple of years after all that and we’ve now been together about 15 years and married for 12 of them.

This is why old phrases like "marry in haste repent at leisure" exist.

I'm sure your son will recover. Lots of people have "starter" marriages.

The wedding industry is a licence to print money. I think social media has a lot to answer for in terms of dictating to brides how high their expectations should be. Of course none of it really matters, what happens after the wedding is the real story. So many brides don’t even think about this.

This has been shown by the number of young women postponing their weddings because of Covid because they want the big event. If you really want to get married then go and do it. It’s the words you speak during the ceremony and your behaviour afterwards that count, not what colour theme you make everyone wear. It’s ridiculous really when you think how hyped it’s all become.

This happened to my friends brother. THE most lavish wedding I've ever been to, two weeks later she told him she wanted to go travelling ... alone! It ended there. I think for her, it was all about the wedding, once that was over there was nothing left.

Just be there for him, he'll be fine and probably, once the dust has settled move in with his life

Hi OP,

My wife left me when I was 22, 18 months into our marriage. She 'suddenly fell in love with' a mutual friend she'd been spending time with in the last few months of us (well, me really) trying to save the marriage.

We'd been together longer than your son and his ex, we'd gotten together at 17 and stayed together through uni, even though we were a couple of hours apart. Our wedding was big and extravagant and dug deep into her dad's pockets (her mum and my parents both contributed, but he put the main wedge in.)

I'm 42 now and hold no bitterness or regret. Maybe a little regret at the uh... experiences my fidelity led to me missing out on at uni, but other than that I'm almost grateful she could see we weren't right for each other. We actually message a bit now and again, maybe a couple of times a year.

Since then I've had a ten year relationship that was lovely but fizzled out, and am now in a great relationship with two step daughters and a little two year old. She's been in two long-term relationships previously as well and we feel like we've found the perfect match in each other as a result of what our previous relationships have taught us. Since a year of being cooped up together during this pandemic, with a rowdy toddler and two other young kids hasn't knocked us at all I'm pretty confident about this one :)

So it didn't colour my opinion of women at all but possibly made me a little more certain of what I should be looking for in one for compatibility.

BUT - the first year after was hard. I moved away which was a mistake but gave me perspective. My self confidence did take a knock.

She's still with the guy she left me for and they seem very happy - two little boys and they post lovely stuff on facebook - but not so often or forcibly that it seems they're trying to create an illusion of happiness, if that makes sense? It really was the best move for both of us.

My mum was very supportive. Like you she didn't really have huge optimism for the relationship but supported it anyway. She told me afterwards she had doubts but knew the right thing to do was just support my decisions and be there if I needed her - that meant everything, it really did.

I did

Separated 4 months after marriage then got back together as it was hugely embarrassing.
Stayed for another two years before divorcing for good.

Few years on I'm in a happy relationship. I made the right decision.

It was a sad time getting a divorce at 29 yo when most friends weren't even engaged.
I'm really really happy now. Honestly - he's better to do it now before kids involved. He'll be absolutely fine.

A friend's son.
Very similar to yours in that they had lived together for a few years, he did a big dramatic proposal etc. Their wedding was probably lower key than your son's but very quirky and 'them'. Their dog carried the rings etc.
No-one had any misgivings.
Three months later they split because he wasn't happy, and saod he hadn't been happy before the wedding but had got carried away.
Less than a month later he ran into a friend from primary, newly arrived back from Australia, and they got together immediately and - two years on - appear very happy together. No marriage plans.

Some people want a wedding, not a marriage.

Just be thankful that as this is so short there is unlikely to be a 50:50 split of assets. Plus no children involved so that makes it easier. Your son will be fine it will take a month or two to move on but he will do I've dated my dp for twice the length of time your son had known his partner and would be confident in my own abilities to be independent

I think society places far too much on marriage as in we try to get people there and in it current form isn't for everyone. For many is isn't about the financial aspects they just want the big wedding and therefore rush into marriage. Also marriage is one of the easiest contracts to escape from arguably it should be made much harder (then perhaps marriage will be entered into less easily) because you are promising to be with each other till death us do part. No other contract either employment or for goods or services would allow such an easy escaped and you can normally be sued for breach of contract. As it stands when a couple say those commitments 50% of the time now they are lying and will go on to break them. So this really isn't unusual what has happened and your son will be fine.

Thanks for your perspective. I agree, to much emphasis is placed on the wedding party day, and not enough on the marriage.

Definitely was a great party! Too bad the marriage wasn’t as pleasant.

That was such a nice share! Thank you. Good to know that you are happy, and wish HER well also. It takes a special kind of person not to resent the other if you’ve been betrayed. I’m happy for you!!🤗

I know several people this happened to, one was my cousin's son. Lavish wedding, six months later he comes home to a note on the table telling him she's met someone else and is filing for divorce.

Honestly, it's no big deal, it happens. Be very glad more time wasn't wasted and that there's no children involved.

Divorce isn't the end of the world.

Thought you were my MIL talking about BIL for a minute there until you mentioned Covid. BIL happened before Covid. It happens a lot. Your son will be fine. We had a call earlier this week from BIL earlier this week about the next wedding and how much it’s going to cost us.

My marriage lasted 10 months.

We’d been together for 8 years and had 2 children before we wed. It was me that ended things, I had a mini midlife crisis, woke up one day feeling smothered, I was only 27 with a husband and 2 kids, I felt like I hadn’t had my life. Quite shitty of me really, and I do regret it, but life goes on.

Ex and I have a great relationship and we’ve coparented well.

Gosh, so many of my friends sons and daughters have had this happen. One only last week. He met and married an American and got married in America. Absolutely the biggest wedding I have seen on photos. The brides mother insisted on all the guests having their hair and make up done professionally by an on site team. I did not recognise my friend who was mother of the groom. She was so heavily made up and froo froo hair I thought she was a drag queen at one point (she thought so too and we have laughed at it many times). Anyway, marriage lasted less than a year as the bride decided she didn't want to be married anymore and "poof" off she went back to her parents place in LA. The boy was absolutely floored with what happened. Its had a terrible effect on him and he cant get home to the UK due to Covid so is stuck in an apartment somewhere. 2 others I know about in recent years, both less than 2 years. So very very sad for everyone and the money wasted is awful.