Son's marriage lasted less than a year

[lilacsandjasmine]

Hi all,
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Son thought he'd met the love of his life. They met, dated, lived together for about 2 - 3 years, got engaged (he designed an elaborate treasure hunt across the city ending in their favorite restaurant), and planned the marriage. It was during that last year that I started to get nervous that this wasn't the right mix.

EVERYTHING was about the wedding. I HAD to chose a a dress of a specific color to match the wedding party perfectly - only one complementary color was allowed. Odles of money was spent by the brides family. We were chewed out when we didn't immediately sign up as guests on the wedding site (we're the in-laws - I think we're going!) one week after the invitations went out even though the reply by date was a month away. As the MIL, I did my best not to make waves, but I distinctly remember walking sadly through a lush garden at the wedding and thinking, "what a beautiful place to be so miserable!" Still, I was willing to tough it out for my son's sake if she was the one he really wanted.
It was definitely the perfect wedding, delicious food, bride and groom danced a special dance, we lit sparklers to wish them well at the end, etc.
When they were done, and back home again, she went off for work for several months - traveling, came back for a few weeks, and then left again for another job. This was only about 4 months later. At about 4 1/2 months, she returned from her second job to tell him that she had hooked up with a guy romantically (no sex though), and now wasn't sure if she really loved my son. He arranged counseling immediately, and she wanted him to fix (his part of) what she didn't like about their marriage to see if she might still want to stay with him. She even suggested that they live in separate apartments and date other people. After two months of counseling, he asked her if they could separate, so she left to stay with a relative for a while (this was during COVID lockdown). When she came back, he left to stay with us. He went back once, for a week, to get his stuff and see if they could find common ground while he was there, but it didn't go well. After he returned home to us, they did continue to counsel for a while long distance, but they couldn't agree to anything that they both were willing to try as a compromise. Such a very sad thing for both of them. It did and didn't surprise me. I had a hunch, but I was hoping it was wrong. My son is still working through the technicalities of the divorce now. I'm just hoping the rejection he experienced through this won't cloud all future feelings he might have about relationships. Would love to hear your stories and how things turned out if you've also experienced something like this.

This happened to the son of a friend of mine and my friend was devastated, not in a drama queen way but just for all the lost dreams for her son (not good choice to split). I can happily say he is now very happily married to someone else and has a family. I'm sure your son will too.

I got married when I had just turned 21...had been with my ex for 3 years. He was only my second 'official' boyfriend, and I was the one who pushed for marriage - we got engaged when we had only been together 4 months. Looking back, I'd was heavily influenced/pressured by my mother - I was expected to be a 'good Catholic girl' and the fact that I'd slept with my boyfriend meant (to me) that he had to want to marry me...it was all a bit sad, looking back.

The marriage lasted 2 and a half years. I was unfaithful to him within 6 months - certainly not something I'm proud of, but being away from my parents and having freedom went to my head. Up to getting married my boyfriend wasn't even allowed into my bedroom - to this day I'm sure my mother still thinks I was a virgin when we got wed. Ex worked nights regularly and I was going out with young friends from work, getting interest from other men...I was too immature emotionally to resist. I had also known when I got married that I didn't love my ex...I'd even drunkeningly told his best man that at a party the week before the wedding (who promptly spent the next 2 and a half years trying to get into my pants).

Ex is now happily remarried with two daughters. We aren't in touch but if I did ever get to talk to him I'd apologise ...for rushing us both into adult life long before we were ready and for my bad behaviour.

My first marriage lasted 6 months and I was divorced at 26.
He saw my Daddy issues from a mile off as narcissistic abusers have a radar for such vulnerability.

Four years later I’m now remarried to a wonderful man and have a baby on the way.

Your son will be absolutely fine - this experience could even pave the way for something better in more than one aspect of his life.

My grandmother could have written this about my dads first marriage, everything you described is pretty much the same, big fancy wedding but it never felt right to my grandparents, add in the wife wasn’t the right religion or from the right background (her family English middle class tee-totalling Methodists, my Dads, working class, beer swilling Irish catholics) well you get wedding photos where neither set of parents look particularly happy. Six months later my dad blurted out to my grandad, someone who never had heart to hearts, that it wasn’t working, apparently my grandad said well that’s no surprise.... the two of them got extremely drunk where my dad off loaded and that was the end of it. My Dad was 19/20 at the time, not sure about the bride, Not long after that my Dad went travelling where he met my mum. There is probably a lot more to it but that’s the version I got.

I think some people get married to try and plaster up the cracks in a relationship, just like some people think having a child will fix a shit relationship. I knew a couple who recently split after 18 months of marriage, bit they had been together for 13 years before they got married. I think sometimes it has the opposite effect they hoped because once you're married I think it hits home that you're sort of trapped.

My marriage lasted 16months before he left me (and our baby DD) for a woman he worked with. Devastating at the time but the best thing really. 10 years on now and I look at him and thank my lucky stars I'm not still married to him. He's a terrible father (seen DD once so far this year) and his life is a mess. He's remarried but my sister came across him on a dating site not so long ago.
I'm happily unmarried to my DP of 8 years with a lovely DS and me and DD are so much better off

My first marriage lasted 14 months. We were a train wreck really from day one.. we were both still teenagers when we eloped less than a year after meeting. I got pregnant with ds just after we got back from honeymoon and split when he was a few months old.. it was the first time my ex really hit me, but I knew in that moment that if I stayed it wouldn’t be the last.
I think I knew at the point I married him that it was a mistake, but we’d got so caught up in the idea of a “romantic” secret wedding, and I just didn’t know how to back out. Our parents were furious when they found out what we’d done.
I’d just say be there for your son.. don’t judge, and don’t say “I told you so”.

I got married young. Me and my XH had some amazing times together and was together 6 years, had bought a house and it wasn’t an unhappy marriage, we got on really well, made each other laugh, however something just wasn’t right, I realised we were basically just friends and neither of us were with the love of their life, so I was brave and I ended my secure, happy life in search of more- it was mutual in the end. I was married for a year and a half. My dad still doesn’t talk to me over it as he doesn’t believe in divorce however I don’t regret it, the marriage and divorce made me wiser.

I am now with the love of my life. Everything happens for a reason and as I like to say ‘second times the charm 😉’

My brother spent £10,000 on a big wedding with 200 guests and a dream honeymoon. They had been courting for 3 years and his wife was pregnant on the wedding day.

During the pregnancy she got friendly with a man at work. Just weeks after giving birth she started an affair with him. My bro found out, and the marriage was over. They'd been married just a few months.

I was a small child when my uncle got married in the early 80s. I remember the wedding, then I don't remember my new aunt much after that. Then I remember my uncle living with my gran and grandad for a short while. My family were the sort that spoke of "grown up" things in hushed tones but it wasn't until my uncle met his second wife that Mum told me his first lasted a very short time. My uncle and aunt have been married about 30 years now, and I have two lovely cousins.

This is similar to what happened with the daughter of my godparents. Turns out he waited until they were married to insist she gave up work to have kids, despite the fact she had always said she didn’t want any. I’m guessing he didn’t tell his mum that bit.

My first marriage lasted a total of 4.5 months.

It was for the best. I'm happily remarried 10 years on with 2 lovely DC. He on the otherhand still lives with his Mum and life hasn't moved on beyond getting pissed with his mates (big age gap and he's nearly 50 😳)

You're son will be OK. Some people just aren't meant to be together and that's ok.

Romdowa - I’m glad to hear that he’s happy now!

My ndn was from a particular 'faith' and I was lucky to be invited as an outsider... The wedding was small but amazing. Very moving and a lovely couple. Sex before marriage wasn't allowed.... FYI.
They split up before the photos were back. She couldn't live with the guilt that they had had sex prior to the big day.

He stayed in the faith and remarried even though divorce is a big no no. He had twins with his new dw... Not sure how the exw faired tbh.

Litterbird, I think the fact that the bride had money was a big detriment in this relationship. I’m guessing if they both hadn’t committed to a huge wedding (mostly paid for by her parents) she probably would have backed out sooner. There’s a lot of pressure on wealthy young people to show off their connections when they marry. Also, a lot of temptations from other men or women if they know you have inherited money, even after you are married.

@lilacsandjasmine

Thanks for your perspective. I agree, to much emphasis is placed on the wedding party day, and not enough on the marriage.

We actually have the proof of this (because people will study anything if it holds still long enough ). If someone spends more than £20,000 on a wedding, they are significantly more likely to get divorced than someone who has a cheaper wedding. For women in particular, they are 1.6 times more likely to get divorced than if they’d spent between £5-10K. If a man’s wedding costs £1,000 or less, he is half as likely to get divorced than even spending £5-10K. The cost of the engagement ring plays a factor as well and it’s the same deal; the more expensive, the worse for the marriage lasting. The best wedding for a lasting marriage is apparently inexpensive but well-attended - so cheap and cheerful but with a good support network, which leads to less stress in life, in general. Link to overview: papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

Link to study itself:
poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=137098066007090115078118002102025089032018023086008028101069090065073082098026097121048045116005042126027029099126126074001123049004063019046066090008115067119094030082056120014099071115006090067100017109006117024084122004094083010115024003090106122&EXT=pdf&INDEX=TRUE (terrible long link, sorry)

I doubt there’s anyone who hasn’t heard of a situation like this by now (divorced in less than a year). As for your son, it sounds like he did everything he could to try to make it work. It didn’t. All he needs is your non-judgmental support, and it sounds like you’re giving it to him, and he may need to continue counseling for himself if he’s struggling, but in time, he’ll be fine.