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Original poster

DP texting girl 4 years ago

43 replies

Youaremysunshine09 · 11/05/2021 21:09

I know I sound crazy here so bare with me please.

Dp was sneakily texting a girl he works with around 4 years ago, I found out & it was really upsetting as wasn't just friendly chat.

The girl is a homewrecker! Not just because her and my dp were texting, she has had an affair with a married man who also works there, blatantly flirts with any man with a pulse! I have been told this by several people who work in there (I haven't asked, they just volunteer the info when she comes up in conversation about dp's work).

At the time when her and dp were texting he denied that anything more happened and I forgave him and we moved on, or so I thought.

Found out last year she had an affair with one of my best friends husbands (he used to work there too).

I regularly pick my dp up from work and I see her, she can't even look at me!!

At the weekend myself and dp were with a mutual friend, he works in a different branch of the business but he knows the woman. We were innocently talking about their day to day in work and the woman's name comes up, mutual friend says something like "think you are one of the only people in building she hasn't been with) dp immediately changes the subject, I tell him about them texting 4 years ago and dp again changes the subject!

I have asked dp several times if anything went on between them physically, he denies it, but it just hasn't sat right with me for the last 4 years, I often have anxiety about it because I don't know what went on between them.

I feel I need to know the truth then finally get her out of my head, but anytime I ask dp he just changes the subject.

Aibu? Should I really just forget all this and continue life with seeing her most days and hating her more each day?

Or should I somehow ask him again, demand the truth & take it from there?

Does anyone have any advice please?

I know I sound like I don't trust him, that's not the case, I do & know he would never do anything like it again but I just can't seem to let go of this gut feeling that more went on than just flirty texts!!

OP posts:
Getafuckinggripman · 11/05/2021 21:10

Ask her

Getafuckinggripman · 11/05/2021 21:11

Also accept that you DON'T trust him and rightly so. Whether he's shagged her or not - he has been unfaithful

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2021 21:15

I don’t think it matters whether anything physical happened between them: he was sending her presumably flirty or sexual text messages and even if you haven’t fully acknowledged it to yourself, you know deep down that if you hadn’t caught him as early as you did it would have gone further. He’s not trustworthy and I don’t know his you can say you know he would definitely never do anything like it again. You probably thought that before you found out he was capable of if the first time.

Ultimately, you’re going to remain anxious for as long as you stay with him. It sounds like a pretty miserable life and you could do better.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 11/05/2021 21:20

You're in pretty shit position at the moment.

If nothing happened and he says that, you don't believe him.
If something did and he lies, he's lying to you.
If something did and he admits it , it'll all be new and fresh heartbreak with the added 4 years of lying.
If nothing happened and he gets fed up and admits to something just to shut you up, the relationship is even more fucked.

You need to have a serious think about the relationship and if you can't move on regardless of what he says then it would probably be best to consider ending it.

GoddessKali · 11/05/2021 21:21

You have two choices:
1 - you decide to believe him and put this behind you once and for all
2 - you leave him as you can’t let it go, you don’t need proof to end things.

Sassy14 · 11/05/2021 21:23

Go with your gut feeling as it will more than likely be right! Demand answers from him.

Imjustsootired · 11/05/2021 23:53

That's the problem with these situations. You try and move on...you think you've got past it but in most cases, you haven't. It lingers and festers and causes anxiety. Especially when you don't know exactly what happened but you know whateve DID go on was inappropriate and your gut is telling you it was probably more than just messaging.

You're unlikely to be able to ever fully put this to bed... he will never admit it. You have to decide if you can still be in the relationship knowing what you know, suspecting what you suspect and accepting you will have to leave it and move on or leave him move on.

stevalnamechanger · 12/05/2021 00:06

This is nothing to do with the girl .

You need to talk to your husband

stevalnamechanger · 12/05/2021 00:06

*partner

Whatsthescoop · 12/05/2021 00:24

Realistically how will you ever be 100% Sure?. You either trust him & believe him or you don't. If you don't you need to end the relationship & move on. This person is an adult I assume? , She is a woman not a girl. The language you use makes it seem like these men are helpless. If a grown man decides to cheat that makes him a ' home wrecker' not her

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2021 00:28

You can't "demand" the truth. He will either provide it or he will lie, and if the truth is that he didn't have sex with her, I doubt you'd believe him anyway.

You've worked yourself into such a frenzy over this woman there's no coming back from it.

MiddleAgedLurker · 12/05/2021 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/05/2021 10:31

She is only a 'homewrecker' because the men she gets involved with are willing parties. She can't wreck the homes of tmen who don't want their homes wrecked.

You don't trust him and you don't know he would never do it again, sadly. I'm not sure what the answer is.

Newbie96 · 12/05/2021 11:39

Well said Sunshineandflipflops,

OP, although I can understand and sympathize with your frustration at the girl, your anger should be directed towards your partner, realistically this woman owes you nothing?

I don't quite understand why you utterly despise her but continue to sleep in the bed next to your partner every night knowing this has been eating you alive for 4 years?

Also, her past sexual history with others is none of yours or anyone's business so maybe everyone should quit gossiping and start focusing on their own lives.

Original poster
Youaremysunshine09 · 12/05/2021 12:07

Thanks for all opinions.

I do understand she isn't fully to blame, maybe it's just me but I wouldn't get involved with someone that had a partner with children at home etc, she knowingly does this & in the work place the single people aren't the attraction. It's just strange!

I know he is to blame, 100% and I didn't let him off easy at the time. We had moved on, everything was good but now I have this severe anxiety about it again, my anxiety has sky rocketed over the last year and I over analyse every situation.

I will speak to him again & see where we go from here. Thanks

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/05/2021 12:10

Either you trust him or you don’t
He’s your problem not her

Sakurami · 12/05/2021 12:12

She isn't holding a gun to their heads. If a man approached me whilst I was in a relationship, i would turn him down because i am faithful. Therefore he wouldn't wreck my home.

You're focusing on the wrong thing here.

PollyPepper · 12/05/2021 12:14

@Sunshineandflipflops

She is only a 'homewrecker' because the men she gets involved with are willing parties. She can't wreck the homes of tmen who don't want their homes wrecked.

You don't trust him and you don't know he would never do it again, sadly. I'm not sure what the answer is.

This. She is no more a 'home wrecker' (horrible, misogynistic term) than the men themselves.
Phoenix121 · 12/05/2021 12:17

@Youaremysunshine09

Thanks for all opinions.

I do understand she isn't fully to blame, maybe it's just me but I wouldn't get involved with someone that had a partner with children at home etc, she knowingly does this & in the work place the single people aren't the attraction. It's just strange!

I know he is to blame, 100% and I didn't let him off easy at the time. We had moved on, everything was good but now I have this severe anxiety about it again, my anxiety has sky rocketed over the last year and I over analyse every situation.

I will speak to him again & see where we go from here. Thanks

You find it strange. Most women I know would also find it strange. You stop finding it strange when you realise that it's about power. She gets to feel powerful when 'taken' men find her irresistible. Why does she want to feel this powerful? Because she has self-esteem issues, or she experienced some sort of attachment disorder early in her life, or an event in her life has made her feel disenfranchised, etc. Not suggesting you feel sorry for her, just trying to help you get rid of the feeling of 'strangeness' that you feel regarding a woman who chases 'taken' men again and again.
Checkingoutemotionally · 12/05/2021 12:39

You won't trust him because he was distracted by her even if it was just messages. What's so special about her?

I feel for you because once trust is broken it's hard to fix. I'm recovering from a liar who was texting other women and stuff. It's hard. I sometimes wish social media and phones never exsisted. It ruins alot of relationships

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 12/05/2021 13:01

I don't want to be mean, OP, because you're obviously upset and hurting, but I'm another one who's questioning the way you write about this other woman.
Her sex life and history are basically none of your business but ypu and the other people you mention in your posts are apparently comfortable to talk about her and judge her.
This doesn't sit right with me.

And, btw, I find it "strange" that you would choose to bring up this whole situation to a mutual friend/colleague. Very cringeworthy, especially as it's 4 yrs old. That must have been deeply uncomfortable for everyone there.

FeistySheep · 12/05/2021 13:27

Ditto that it is not the other woman's fault. She has done something mean, or unthinking, or similar. But she has not made promises to you like your DP has. HE is 100% to blame. Blame him. She could never have forced her attentions on him if he didn't want them.
If my DH ever strays, I won't be blaming the other woman, I'll be blaming him! Only he is responsible for his promises to me.
Sorry to go on about this, but its important your focus is on the right person - your DP.

He has cheated on you just with the flirty messages (assuming they were definitely flirty). That's enough if you feel the trust is gone. If you're not sure he's being honest about how much happened, there's not a lot you can do about it. You could ask her, but you have no way of knowing if she'll tell you the truth either. You'll have to decide whether to stay with a man who definitely cheated a bit, and who might have cheated more than you know.

Why do you see her most days though? Do you work at the same place as her and your DP? Maybe one solution would be to cut her out of your lives - would that help you to move on? Your DP would need to get a new job, and you and he together would have to decide whether your relationship is worth the upheaval of him doing this. If he doesn't think it is, that might tell you something.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/05/2021 13:30

Btw, i say what I did as the hurt party in a workplace affair. My ex's OW knew about me and our kids...I had even met her at social occasions. She is not blameless but I was not married to her, I was married to my ex and therefore he is the one I directed my anger/upset at and who I left because I no longer trusted or respected him.

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2021 13:31

Op if she’s single she can do as she pleases. You need to stop hurling abuse at her like it’s her fault if your partner cheated. Unless your husband has additional needs then he’s an adult capable of making his own decisions about who to text or have sex with.

You also don’t trust him, if you did, you’d not be thinking he shagged her

Unless you can accept these two things, he is fully responsible for his own actions, no one else and you don’t trust him there is little anyone can do to help you.

ferando81 · 12/05/2021 13:37

If she sleeps with numerous married men ,home wrecker fits .Sure the men are at fault but why should she get a get out of jail free card .She knows what she’s doing is wrong ,hence she can’t look the op in the eye

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