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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair

55 replies

ChiChi16 · 11/05/2021 14:03

Hello, I've not posted here before but really need some help to understand how to move forward.
I've been married 22 years and have a DD16. DH and I have had a lot of ups and downs over the years but we've carried on and made the best of things. In Nov 2020, I noticed DH was being a bit distant and trying not to spend much time with me, I spoke to him about this and he said he was really busy with work or just really tired.
In mid December 2020, he came home drunk from a friends house and I took the opportunity to search his phone. My heart dropped when I saw a message he's sent to OW about wanting to make love to her and missing her. I didn't say anything because i was in shock and also deeply upset, I hoped it was something that was sent while in a drunken state. I spoke to him the next day about his being distant and he said he was having thoughts on whether we had drifted apart and when DD goes to Uni would we want to spend time together. He also said he thought about our past arguments (we had a lot) and he didn't know how he felt.
This came as a complete shock to me as during the 1st lockdown we were getting on much better, he bought me a diamond ring for our 22nd wedding anniversary in June and made a fuss for my birthday in September - so this all came out of the blue.
When I confronted him about seeing the message, he told me he had been speaking to a women from work and he found they had a connection and he thought he was in love with her and she felt the same about him. He has never met this woman - she works in an office in Europe, so they have been talking and messaging each other almost daily. DH seems to be completely in love with her but tells me 'he can't be with her' and wants to stay at home with me and DD. This woman is 24 and he is 54, i think the age gap and living in different countries is the only reason he has not left to be with her.
She apparently has a boyfriend and does not want him to leave me and my DD but she can't stop talking to him. I asked him to move out in Mid Jan 2021 and he did for 4 weeks, we talked everyday and he told me he wanted to come home. I forgave him and he came back, I found out a month ago that he could only last a week without talking to her and they have been talking / emailing / messaging since. I spoke to OW and she told me to give him another chance and she promises not to speak to him again. He's been in a hotel for the last 4 weeks and he is distant but still says he wants to come home. I'm a mess and so confused. I want him back but i don't trust him. He thinks that because he's not slept with her its not as bad.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 11/05/2021 14:28

I think it’s a classic case of mid life crisis.
Hard as it is for you - if you step away and look at it from the outside - it’s escapism on his side. It’s not really real emotions or anything.
It’s a fantasy - some other life, somewhere else - some other person. But in reality - it’s more about him facing middle age and mortality.
After a long marriage - there comes a time where everyone wonders - is this it? Is there anything to look forward to?
Some - are just happy with where they are. Others have trouble accepting that phase of life. Maybe it’s immaturity, or who knows.

It’s up to you really what you do with it all. He isn’t leaving you for a 24yo who lives in another country and doesn’t want a man double her age. She was engaging in a fantasy of her own type.
So - you can keep him - if you want.
Or move on and rethink your life.
I presume you are in your 40-50s - so lots of life still left to live with or w/o him.

Lots of people will be around soon advising you to just divorce. But it’s not always this simple.

Skyla2005 · 11/05/2021 14:37

She's 24 ? Dirty bastard I would have to divorce him that's pathetic

itsureis · 11/05/2021 14:42

@MMmomDD That is a lovely response - better than the other 🙄

Enough4me · 11/05/2021 14:47

OP he's betrayed your trust twice and if another more exciting offer comes along (closer age & local) he'll be off.

If I were you, rather than take him back I would focus on my happiness and work towards getting stability and fun for myself.

tuttifuckinfruity · 11/05/2021 14:47

Agree. A very measured response from @MMmomDD.

It is very much escapism on his part. I don't have any advice as such though. I think @MMmomDD probably summed up your options.

ItsNotLoveActually · 11/05/2021 14:51

At least you know they've never met and it is just fantasy. Still a betrayal though and thoughts of 'if not her, maybe someone else' maybe going round in your head. It's whether he can stop this that's the issue now. Has he shown any remorse and is trying to win you back?
Been through something similar and I just couldn't trust him again. I tried but I couldnt look or think of him in the same way again.

singleagain22 · 11/05/2021 14:53

What's the 24yo getting out of this? Is he giving any financial support?

I agree .... it's escapism. If you can fix the root cause you can fix your marriage. If that's what you want.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 11/05/2021 16:21

@MMmomDD Thank you for your response, i too think its a mid-life crisis but he seems completely smitten. When he returned home the first time it seemed like he was pining for her by not sleeping or eating much.
I'm 52 and at the moment can't seem to function at all, I feel angry and upset all at the same time.
He's told so many lies covering up his tracks and I really dont know if i can trust him again

OP posts:

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 11/05/2021 16:24

@singleagain22 I've checked bank statements and credit cards and he's not buying her gifts or sending her money. He said they have a very strong connection and he 'wishes and wants her' but its not a reality.
He recognises the hurt he's caused me and my DD but it seems his feelings for her are stronger

OP posts:

Tomyoneandonly · 11/05/2021 17:19

Op he has emotionally let you go. You need to get him out of your life so your able to meet a man who loves you. I'm in a similar situation I'm constantly thinking when my ds goes to uni he will just leave. I need him gone before then.

MMmomDD · 11/05/2021 17:35

OP - in his head he is still in the midst of his fantasy.
The only way through it is to just tell him to spread his wings and go have a life with the 24yo. Tell her and her bf too.
Then get popcorn and watch him wake up from his dream state.

I know it’s difficult for you. But trying to keep in mind that none of this is real - and think of him as ‘possessed’ and a bit unstable can help you get through this.
The moment reality of it all enters his frame of vision - it’ll all come crashing down.

MMmomDD · 11/05/2021 17:37

If I were you - I’d not make any decisions at this point. You are in a highly emotional place and need more of a clear head.
Which can only happen when you take a bit of time and think about what you want.

harknesswitch · 11/05/2021 18:57

So he lives another woman but as he can't be with her then he wants to live you with. Errrrr no! Why would you want him back?

Phoenix121 · 11/05/2021 19:05

He's living in fantasyland. Have you pointed that out to him? Regardless of that, his stupidity alone would be enough to give me the ick.

AndromedaGal · 11/05/2021 19:25

She’s 24, & he’s 54. She lives in another country & he’s besotted by her. Big mid-life crisis. It’s pure fantasy & escapism on his part.

I think he needs to wake up & smell the coffee. He must realise that a) it’s never going to happen with this woman & b) the amount of pain & upset he’s causing through his utterly selfish behaviour? FFS, why is he so blinded to the reality of what he’s doing?

I’d get cross if I were in your shoes & give it to him with both barrels

Palavah · 11/05/2021 19:29

He's also risking a sexual harrassment case. Is he up for losing his job?

JudyGemstone · 11/05/2021 19:33

He’s embarrassing himself, the silly old fool. He might not see that now but he will.

You’re being very patient to still be tolerating his dithering. You’re still allowing him to make you an option, albeit not a very appealing one given the distant way he’s behaving. Sulking because ‘mum’ won’t let him play with his new toy and it’s all sooo unfair.

Honestly how dare he treat you this way. He’s not fit to lick your boots anymore.

Imjustsootired · 11/05/2021 19:44

24? Unless your DH is Brad Pitt, I'm confused why she is interested.

Shes playing him along I suspect....but for what? Anyones guess.

Hes making himself look like a twat. He'll see sense eventually after hes humailaited himself and ruined his marriage.

Up to you if you want to wait around for that realisation to dawn on him.

Ihatesalad · 11/05/2021 19:46

Op, I think the problem is (and I’ve been there) is whether knowing this you will ever be able to feel quite the same again even if you stay and no matter how sorry they are. . I stayed after finding out- mainly because it was something that went on years before and I found out quite by chance 10 years later - but I know in my heart I don’t feel the same— it’s the sheer fact they didn’t value you enough to actually even have this shizzle enter their heads and the lies told to hide it. I find I am far less tolerant of tossy behaviour on his part — whilst it’s hard to leave a very long marriage and I haven’t for all kinds of practical reasons — it’s even harder I assure you to carry on not feeling 100% about it or not trusting that if they feel a bit down or bored they would start this crap again

MrsMaizel · 11/05/2021 20:28

I don't know why some people seem to think "mid life crisis " is an acceptable excuse for a prick like this . "Oh it's a mid life crisis , it will pass " ? He has said enough that he has shown that he prefers her and if he COULD he would be with her . Why you would even entertain him anymore is beyond belief ? You have " made the best of things " in your marriage - I've been there and done that and left it behind and now realise how much of life I wasted on that . "It's not a reality " ? It is certainly a reality for you and a shit one . tell him to move one with this young woman ( don't tell me it's one of these "Oh I've never been on a plane /you don't get nice clothes in this country " relationships ) 🙄

GreenClock · 11/05/2021 20:59

You seem a bit passive. If he’s checked out of your relationship and is planning to leave when your daughter goes to university there is not much you can do other than to take control and end it yourself, shortly. Speak to a solicitor first of course.

This 24 year old will fade away but he’ll almost certainly find a replacement and if she’s local and single he’ll move out as soon as your daughter has gone to university. Don’t let this happen. Set the timetable yourself.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 12/05/2021 18:01

Thank you all for your replies. Today i am angry and think he is the biggest fool alive!

OP posts:

Carpetssss · 12/05/2021 20:02

You are right to be angry with this Self indulgent and selfish man and his fantasy life that is not real and can’t compare with your long marriage. Let that anger be your friend and use it to help you figure out what you want. See a solicitor to see what divorce would be like financially and make sure you tell your husband what you are doing. Tell friends and his family what he is up to and contact the OW boyfriend and tell him what she is up to. It might feel counterintuitive to take control and demand change but it might make him wake up and see what a fool he is being. Don’t wait for him to wake up by himself, he won’t, show him what his fantasy life will mean when it hits reality and finances and divorce lawyers and custody and the humiliation he will feel when everyone knows about his midlife nonsense.

Get a counsellor for yourself to talk through all the crazy-making with, you will need support to decide what you want your life to be going forward. You might love this idiot but that does not mean sticking with him is in your best interests, You might find the website Surviving Infidelity helpful. Most of the people are American but if you post in Just Found Out you will get good advice.
You should read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass I found it really helpful. ( your idiot husband should definitely read it!)

Good luck to you. You will get through this and while you might feel you are losing your mind, try and take action, try and eat well and exercise, take good care of yourself. Distance from him will help while you figure out what YOU want.

5128gap · 12/05/2021 20:33

I wouldn't be with him while he was in the midst of this thing, and would want him to stay away from me completely until it burnt out, as it inevitably will given its not real, and can't progress to be.
When that time came, I would make my decision about the future, dependent on how I felt then. Everything doesn't have to be decided immediately.
In the meantime you don't need to indulge his drama and angst or comings and goings. Let him live the dream on his own for a while, as he won't see what he's losing while it's still there.

MadMadMadamMim · 12/05/2021 20:38

He's a silly old fool who is kidding himself that some young woman, thirty years younger than him, could ever have feelings for him. I agree it's a mid life crisis/desperation to be young again.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour. I would not take him back. I'd move on with my life now. (I am roughly your age). He has been given a second chance and threw it away. Don't let him continue to keep you hanging on.

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