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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair

55 replies

ChiChi16 · 11/05/2021 14:03

Hello, I've not posted here before but really need some help to understand how to move forward.
I've been married 22 years and have a DD16. DH and I have had a lot of ups and downs over the years but we've carried on and made the best of things. In Nov 2020, I noticed DH was being a bit distant and trying not to spend much time with me, I spoke to him about this and he said he was really busy with work or just really tired.
In mid December 2020, he came home drunk from a friends house and I took the opportunity to search his phone. My heart dropped when I saw a message he's sent to OW about wanting to make love to her and missing her. I didn't say anything because i was in shock and also deeply upset, I hoped it was something that was sent while in a drunken state. I spoke to him the next day about his being distant and he said he was having thoughts on whether we had drifted apart and when DD goes to Uni would we want to spend time together. He also said he thought about our past arguments (we had a lot) and he didn't know how he felt.
This came as a complete shock to me as during the 1st lockdown we were getting on much better, he bought me a diamond ring for our 22nd wedding anniversary in June and made a fuss for my birthday in September - so this all came out of the blue.
When I confronted him about seeing the message, he told me he had been speaking to a women from work and he found they had a connection and he thought he was in love with her and she felt the same about him. He has never met this woman - she works in an office in Europe, so they have been talking and messaging each other almost daily. DH seems to be completely in love with her but tells me 'he can't be with her' and wants to stay at home with me and DD. This woman is 24 and he is 54, i think the age gap and living in different countries is the only reason he has not left to be with her.
She apparently has a boyfriend and does not want him to leave me and my DD but she can't stop talking to him. I asked him to move out in Mid Jan 2021 and he did for 4 weeks, we talked everyday and he told me he wanted to come home. I forgave him and he came back, I found out a month ago that he could only last a week without talking to her and they have been talking / emailing / messaging since. I spoke to OW and she told me to give him another chance and she promises not to speak to him again. He's been in a hotel for the last 4 weeks and he is distant but still says he wants to come home. I'm a mess and so confused. I want him back but i don't trust him. He thinks that because he's not slept with her its not as bad.

OP posts:

H2OConnoisseur · 13/05/2021 02:46

I don't accept the whole 'mid life crisis' excuse. His choices and actions are still his, and with those come consequences. Another common thing I see people excusing is husbands straying when their wife is pregnant because he's 'scared'. Why do we expect so little from men? It's horrible but generally, if the roles were reversed, I highly doubt the husband would be as forgiving and understanding if it were his wife talking to another man like this.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 26/05/2021 10:59

Just an update on my situation. He came back home on Friday after saying he was no longer talking to the OW and he wanted to come home and be with me and DD.
He came home on Friday evening and didn't really spend any time with us and asked me if I was still feeling unwell (I had caught a cold) I said yes so he said he would sleep in the spare room for the night because he too was feeling unwell (he has never done this in the past). After 30 mins of him sleeping in the spare room I went to him and said I thought you would have made a bit more of an effort to be happy to be home again but sleeping in the spare room made me feel upset and that he was home just because he didnt want to stay in the hotel anymore, we argued and I told him he needs to leave and this time on a more permanent basis.
I think i overreacted and now he thinks the marriage is over and he does not see it getting any better,. I really dont know what to do or how to feel, he avoids spending any time with me and he seems unhappy. I have apologised for the way i behaved but i think he is done with me. I said I wanted to make the marriage work and he said that we just dont get on anymore, he asked me if I could imagine the two of us going on holiday together and enjoying it because he does not think he would.
Is my marriage over? He claims to not be in contact with OW but i dont know, he is in love with her and his feelings for me seem to have gone. If he stays, it will be for my DD but when she goes to Uni next year i think he will leave me.
What do I do? We will have been married 23 years in June and I've been with him since i was 25 (I am 52). He was my first boyfriend in school and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
I feel i am going to him to speak but he does not really engage in conversation and tells me i am 'flogging this to death'.
Do I leave things to work themselves out naturally over time or should we really call it a day. One minute I am scared he will leave me and then I think the last 6 months of him talking and declaring his love to OW on a daily basis makes me angry and I think he should leave and we file for divorce.
How do I move on? Will he fall back in love with me or is it done?
I feel sad everyday and my DD is in tears most of the day wanting things to be back to how they were before he fell in love with OW.
Any advice please?

OP posts:

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/05/2021 11:09

For the sake of your sanity call it a day

It seems like he is still in contact with her, I imagine all it would take would be a nod from her and he'd be after her like a shot

He's hostile to you, he doesn't want to spend time with you, making no effort to reconcile

He's checked out, and now so should you

Take back some control

Whatabambam · 26/05/2021 11:18

This will sound brutal OP but he's not in love with you anymore. He's confused and scared of the future but this is not a basis for a future together. You need to work on your inner roar, reclaim your dignity and get back some control. Your daughter is suffering. You can do this. You are stronger than you think. You were you before becoming an us. Don't ever forget that

Taikoo · 26/05/2021 11:28

Nah.
It's over.
He can fly over on Ryanair cheapo and visit her if he wants to.

He wouldn't be back in my house.
Divorce is the only solution here.

Mahrezis · 26/05/2021 11:29

By your own admission you have had lots of ups and downs and this is obviously a very big down. It sounds like whatever happens with the OW, he has checked out with you. You need to take the bull by the horns now and bring it to an end. You deserve better than this treatment and all this taking him back is just rewarding bad behaviour.

tentosix · 26/05/2021 12:12

At 24 she sees him as a meal ticket. Why ever would a young woman want to be with an older man she has never met?

Tigertalk · 26/05/2021 12:25

Make a decision - this isn’t fair on dd. It could affect her exams as this is a crucial tome for her ahead of getting a uni exam placement.
I think he should go. He sounds like he doesn’t even want to try and make it work
Have you asked him about counselling ?

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 26/05/2021 12:33

@tentosix - Could it be that she is in love with him? I'm sure they talk and message each other daily

OP posts:

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 26/05/2021 12:34

@Tigertalk - I've suggested marriage counselling but he does not want to do this

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 26/05/2021 12:48

I agree with the second poster @itsureis he's a dirty old bastard! Why would a 50 odd year old be interested in someone half his age.

I don't think I could bear for him to touch me after reading his sexual messages to her.

Do yourself a favour and let him go. He's not making any effort and I think you're right. He didn't want to come home for you or your dd, he was simply fed up with living in a hotel

roarfeckingroarr · 26/05/2021 12:53

OP I'm ashamed to say i was the OW in a v similar age gap scenario in my early 20s. I was absolutely infatuated with someone who seemed so intelligent and cultured against stupid boys my then age. All I can say is I look back now with shame and relief that I walked away, and that above all YOU deserve so so mich better. The man in my situ coped with my walking away by finding another girl in her 20s to be infatuated, then another, then another..: his partner eventually left and he is a sad pathetic lonely man now at close to 60.

JudyGemstone · 26/05/2021 13:20

Marriage counselling won’t help, he’s completely checked out. Save the money for your own therapy and solicitors fees.

Zenithbear · 26/05/2021 13:42

Let him go and tell her she's welcome to him. It won't last with them and by the time he realises what a mistake he has made you will have moved on.
That's my experience anyway.
It will be hard to begin with but don't cling to someone for the sake of your past, think of your future and how amazing it will be. Don't let fear stop you.

Tigertalk · 26/05/2021 13:43

Yes, if he doesn’t even want marriage counselling then he has checked out anyway. Time to get the wheels in motion

ILoveShula · 26/05/2021 13:52

He's checked out of the marriage. He's not 'in love' with this woman, he has a crush and he is hurting you.

You have about 40 years of your life left. Start building a new future for yourself.

Onthedunes · 26/05/2021 14:13

So he failed the test op...

How many women upon reaching menopause decide to treat their husbands as equals and try to get them to act like adults.

He didn't like it and threw his dummy out of the pram and went to find another young playmate.
24 thats quite an age difference but she's probably still more mature than him.
How embarrasing but you have given him fair warning, it will end and its up to you op, do you open pandora's box and let others know what kind of fool you have been putting up with and living with for all these years or keep a lid on it.

What a child, are you fed up with being married to a child?
He's never going to grow up until you untie the apron strings.

tentosix · 26/05/2021 17:58

[quote ChiChi16]@tentosix - Could it be that she is in love with him? I'm sure they talk and message each other daily[/quote]
But she doesn’t know him. They’ve not met or been out together. Being ‘in love’ with someone on another continent, isn’t a real thing. It is a fantasy they are both indulging in.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 27/05/2021 11:43

Thank you again for your replies. I can see now that he has checked out of the marriage and does not love me anymore, and I can now see he is looking for me to make the decision to end the marriage rather than say it himself..would this be to make him feel better that he didn't actually end it but it was me?
I've been advised by a couple of close friends to leave him alone for a few weeks and not keep trying to talk to him about everything and to see if he does the right thing and stops contact with OW and his mid -life crisis ends....do you think this is just delaying the obvious outcome or could this possibly work if he has time to think about what he is doing and giving up for someone he has never met?

OP posts:

changingtherrip · 27/05/2021 12:40

But why would you want him back?

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 27/05/2021 12:44

@changingtherip - because I still really love him

OP posts:

Tigertalk · 27/05/2021 13:10

Love isn’t enough. You shouldn’t have been treated like this. Use your head and not your heart. You just said he doesn’t love you.
You need to start moving on now

SunnySideDownBriefly · 27/05/2021 13:23

Do you really love him ChiChi or are you just scared of a future without him? Do you work? It's completely natural to be frightened about what lies ahead. You will, at least, be entitled to half of everything you have between you - including pensions.

You have to see that you will never be able to be happy together again. This is too much to forgive and at what cost to you? You have many years of life yet and you only get one chance. Make plans, move on and don't look back. He has completely betrayed you.

changingtherrip · 27/05/2021 15:15

It is so so scary to change and want to go back to just moving through life with your structure around you - but he has broken that - he is not your safety anymore
You may love him - my husband didn't want to change things and said he loved me but he did t - he just loved the life and unit and security.
The only way you could stay together in my opinion is for him to have an epithany and convince you he wants it - anything else will damage you and your own self esteem and love won't stop that.

Original poster

ChiChi16 · 28/05/2021 10:18

I know deep down what I need to do but why is it so hard? Sometimes I feel strong and think he has watched me cry and fall apart over this emotional affair he has been having. When i first found out, I couldn't eat or sleep and just cried and he never really comforted me.
When I caught him out this time, I called OW and she kept denying they were even talking and when I said i had read the messages that were sent that morning, she said she wanted to kill herself and hung up...Later that evening, when DH moved out, he called me and told me she was in hospital having taken some sleeping pills and he had received a text from her mum (because when she claimed to kill herself DH repeatedly tried to call her but she wouldn't pick up) saying she is in hospital and not to call.
OW was out of hospital later that evening and I called her the next day - I don't believe for one minute she attempted suicide the night before - i think she was being a drama queen. She said she was ashamed of what she had done and has ended the relationship with DH and she would email me if he ever got in touch with her - she said this to me before, in January but didnt keep her word when they started talking again.
I feel so confused and so helpless - deep down i want him back and to forget the past 6 months but I think he has changed too much to it ever to be forgotten or forgiven.
I just want to cry today

OP posts:

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