Does this behaviour have a name?

[Dogwoodrose]

Or at least can anyone help me find a simple way to understand/explain it please? Say for instance I asked DH to go out with his mates a little less, maybe twice a week instead of three times and his response was to get angry and say 'ok then I won't go out at all', what would that be, other than childish? That scenario is completely hypothetical btw but the circumstances it actually does happen in are either too subtle to be good examples or too outing.

The overall feeling it leaves me with though is that I'm being punished for daring to disagree with or challenge him, like I'll ask for a small concession and he insists on going the whole hog to make me seem unreasonable. In the example I've used I would then spend ages arguing that I never asked him not to go out at all, just a little bit less and he would keep insisting his extreme solution (not going out at all, ever) is 'obviously' what I want and 'it's just easier', implying I will make his life hell if he does anything else even though that's not what I asked for in the first place!

It's maddening as you can imagine but doesn't happen often, just when I threaten to interfere with something he wants to do which is doubly annoying as I only ever object if there's a clash with family responsibilities, I want him to be happy so definitely not out to spoil his fun! It can happen over non-fun stuff just as easily, I asked him once not to book any work for a particular Saturday (he only works Saturdays occasionally anyway) and he threatened to close down his business and 'go and find a dead end job'

It just feels like he does it to make me suffer for daring to question/disagree with him although he swears blind he's just 'trying to make me happy' when I call his behaviour out. It's scrambling my head that I can't put what he's doing into words, it's so hard to push back against when you can't name the behaviour, does that make sense to anyone? It's not about explaining it to him even, I know he knows exactly what he's doing, it's just hard to call him out when I struggle to describe what it is he's doing. Can anyone else describe it better than me please?

It's called 'coercive control' and the hills are >>>>>>>

It's a way of 'managing' or controlling you. He is punishing you so that you stop making demands or having needs. You don't say anything because to do so makes his have tantrums or punish you. He's training you up.

• I'm going out with my friends tonight
• But you've been out with them every night for the last month, I'd planned a night in for us
• OK I WON'T GO OUT AT ALL!!! I'LL GIVE UP MY JOB SO WE ARE AT HOME 24/7 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? WELL IS IT???
• No, of course not, go out with your friends...

See how it works?

It's manipulation, controlling and gas lighting. In other words he is a dick

The name for it is CUNTY!

Or coercive control as PP above said.

Both mean the same to me and I'd be out the door like a shot.

I was going to say that it is called conditioning/managing your expectations. Something abusers use to make you feel as if you cannot voice any need you have because you will be punished for it. So you instead continue to put up and shut up with their behaviour.

But as pp said, coercive control would be the more general term.

He isnt a nice person and he does not mean good things for you. Get out.

Just agree with him when he says stuff like this. If he says “I won’t ever go out then” just say “Well that’s not what I asked for but it certainly works for me.” Then just walk away from the gaslighting twerp.

And please dont waste your time trying to explain his behaviour to him. He.gets.it. He KNOWS what he is doing. He just doesnt want you to know that he knows.

You should never have to explain to anyone why abusive behaviour is wrong and why it is hurting you. If you find yourself doing this (and thinking 'if only I could just explain it right, he might understand') - you are in an abusive relationship.

Another tactic is DARVO

Deny - I haven't been out with my friends that much
Attack - You don't want me to have a social life
Reverse Victim Offender - You're controlling me, you're abusive

Or they do a bait and switch

• We haven't had a night out for ages, I thought it would be nice to have a night in
• What about when I wanted to go out last week? You didn't want to go out then!
• I had been up all night with the baby -
• You never want to go out when I want to... everything is on YOUR terms...

It’s called a “straw man fallacy” - A straw man fallacy occurs when someone takes another person's argument or point, distorts it or exaggerates it in some kind of extreme way, and then attacks the extreme distortion, as if that is really the claim the first person is making

I do see, only part I don't understand is why he keeps trying when it doesn't work. Because I don't back down, I don't give in and do things 'his way' and I can't imagine why he thinks I might start after over 20 years together! He has always done this and it has never once worked, we just have a circular argument about it until he finally accepts that my original request/point was reasonable/valid and then it all dies down until the next time.

Because its aim is to exhaust you. To drain you. That's how he gets his kicks.

I can relate to so many of these posts in my past relationship and it does wear you down and absolutely drain the life out off you. Feel for you op!

Sorry that reply was to username12345T, crossposted with everyone else.

*or frustrating you, stressing you out, making you angry ect.

And then probably making out that you are the 'irrational/angry/unstable one'.

It’s immaturity or a stunted personality, a bit like how children behave. This is a feature of many personality disorders. It’s irrelevant whether the person does this knowingly or not.

The point is, it’s not about what this behaviour is called or trying to understand it... the real questions are, is it causing you distress... and would you want to stay in the relationship if this behaviour is ingrained?

Coercive control.

@Dogwoodrose

I do see, only part I don't understand is why he keeps trying when it doesn't work. Because I don't back down, I don't give in and do things 'his way' and I can't imagine why he thinks I might start after over 20 years together! He has always done this and it has never once worked, we just have a circular argument about it until he finally accepts that my original request/point was reasonable/valid and then it all dies down until the next time.

Power. Perhaps wasting your time and winding you up, gives him a sense of power. Instead of capitulating immediately which makes him feel emasculated. Some people are difficult. They just like to be difficult. They are passive aggressive as well.

There's a type of abuser called the 'water torturer' who enjoy sitting there calmly while they wind you up.

What happens if you simply say 'ok thanks'

So hello say 'ok I wont go our at all' simply respond with 'ok thanks' or maybe 'that's your decision'

As other pp have said, its CC, and designed to be as o obstructive as possible

Isn’t this passive aggressive behaviour?

Someone pretends to be complying with what you’re asking for but is actually aggressively undermining you.

What is the level of damage this has done to you so far?
Ongoing stress can make people physically/mentally ill, it’s a serious consideration to think about.

@Donotgogentle

Isn’t this passive aggressive behaviour?

Someone pretends to be complying with what you’re asking for but is actually aggressively undermining you.

Well put! It can be a feature of extreme insecurity, which can make you feel pity rather than anger towards that person.

All of which can drive you deeper into the quagmire, never to resurface again.

If necessary, abject loneliness and strained financial circumstances is to be feared far less than that sort of psychological torture.

Mine does this, I say 'Thanks, I hope you actually mean it'.

He then just behaves as though he never said it, and does what he wants anyway.

I feel embarrassed for him.

All of these apply really don't they, it's just annoying not to be able to put a name to it and call it out as that in the moment, not to explain it to him (as I said I know he knows what he's doing) just to be able to call it what it is.

he point is, it’s not about what this behaviour is called or trying to understand it... the real questions are, is it causing you distress... and would you want to stay in the relationship if this behaviour is ingrained?

Good questions, not distress exactly no, more frustrated and a bit.....disappointed? He's pretty amazing in lots of other ways so I think this just makes me feel like he's letting himself (and me) down a bit. I think it is ingrained behaviour yes and the answer to whether I want to stay is yes, for now. The problem for me is that every time this happens I lose a little more respect for him and that chips away at my feeling for him. I'm worried that if he doesn't find a better way to manage his feelings/behaviour I will eventually just stop loving him

All of this describes how I feel. I just never bother voicing my thoughts anymore as it only leads to an argument where it's all turned round on me, I feel so muddled and unable to argue back as I have become convinced I'm in the wrong. And this especially -

There's a type of abuser called the 'water torturer' who enjoy sitting there calmly while they wind you up.

This happens a lot. He winds me up and makes me furious about stuff, but always when the kids are around so that if I react or retaliate, they see me and not him, and wonder why mum is so angry... he does it almost silently and unnoticeably (e.g. constantly watching his politics programmes, lying on the sofa muttering comments he knows will wind me up) and so I just walk away.
It was our wedding anniversary yesterday, I knew it would be awkward as we haven't been right for ages and he knows I'm unhappy. He took the day off work, having not said a word to me about it, and sat in his chair watching me get the kids ready for school, I didn't want to make anything of the day as there is nothing to celebrate and do not want to continue putting an act on, so didn't say anything. And all day at work I felt like the ultimate miserable cow for not being all happy clappy. The whole day passed like this, and I just played with the kids and did things that needed doing yesterday evening while he sat in his chair under the stairs with a Pot Noodle. I made my own dinner as usual. Also later on I had to go out as my brother wasn't well and had to check on him after the paramedics left him. There were flowers left on the kitchen bench which he said nothing about and neither did I (until this morning and I said thank you for the flowers) and the cards from family were left unopened on the table. I know for a fact he will be angry with me that I didn't make anything of the day, but I am sick of always backing down and apologising to keep the peace. I haven't just suddenly chosen to be miserable. I am drained and worn down, and no one else sees the reason why. Sorry to hijack your post @Dogwoodrose but I really know how you feel. Even now I feel I may have dramatised it a bit, and it's not all that bad, I should count my blessings etc.....but I guess that's the trick.

@SoftPower

What is the level of damage this has done to you so far?
Ongoing stress can make people physically/mentally ill, it’s a serious consideration to think about.

Exactly this. I am going for an ECG today.

@duodunical

Mine does this, I say 'Thanks, I hope you actually mean it'.

He then just behaves as though he never said it, and does what he wants anyway.

I feel embarrassed for him.

I've found it actually matters very little how I respond in the moment, I've used your approach and varying others at different times but the end result is much the same, he sulks until he sees reason and then the 'nuclear option' is forgotten and we come to a reasonable compromise, it's just a shame we can't do that in the first place and yes, I'm embarrassed for him.