Does this behaviour have a name?

[Dogwoodrose]

Or at least can anyone help me find a simple way to understand/explain it please? Say for instance I asked DH to go out with his mates a little less, maybe twice a week instead of three times and his response was to get angry and say 'ok then I won't go out at all', what would that be, other than childish? That scenario is completely hypothetical btw but the circumstances it actually does happen in are either too subtle to be good examples or too outing.

The overall feeling it leaves me with though is that I'm being punished for daring to disagree with or challenge him, like I'll ask for a small concession and he insists on going the whole hog to make me seem unreasonable. In the example I've used I would then spend ages arguing that I never asked him not to go out at all, just a little bit less and he would keep insisting his extreme solution (not going out at all, ever) is 'obviously' what I want and 'it's just easier', implying I will make his life hell if he does anything else even though that's not what I asked for in the first place!

It's maddening as you can imagine but doesn't happen often, just when I threaten to interfere with something he wants to do which is doubly annoying as I only ever object if there's a clash with family responsibilities, I want him to be happy so definitely not out to spoil his fun! It can happen over non-fun stuff just as easily, I asked him once not to book any work for a particular Saturday (he only works Saturdays occasionally anyway) and he threatened to close down his business and 'go and find a dead end job'

It just feels like he does it to make me suffer for daring to question/disagree with him although he swears blind he's just 'trying to make me happy' when I call his behaviour out. It's scrambling my head that I can't put what he's doing into words, it's so hard to push back against when you can't name the behaviour, does that make sense to anyone? It's not about explaining it to him even, I know he knows exactly what he's doing, it's just hard to call him out when I struggle to describe what it is he's doing. Can anyone else describe it better than me please?

You respect them a little less every time they do it OP, I understand.

At the same time, you still love them for their good qualities.

Going against the grain here, and being a bit devil's advocate, but I don't think you original example is a reasonable request. He's an adult and going out with his friends/ to his own interests three times a week is completely reasonable (unless you have very young children). I would not take kindly to be asked not to do so.

He is not handling it well but is there any chance he is exasperated by constant requests to put limits on, what is really, quite normal behaviour an adult should be expected to do.
And from your posts it seems like there is a row and then he has to concede to you and you your own way each time.
Maybe he is fed up with this and that is coming out in his behaviour.

Not saying this is the case, just offering a different possible perspective.

Not everything has a ‘label’. Too often I see posts on here when women call their ex a narcissist, when in reality he’s just dickhead.

However, that doesn’t invalidate your feelings or mean that his approach to the argument isn’t rude/dismissive. I just think that not everything has a title.

@Dogwoodrose

How often do you get to go out with your friends?

I doubt it's even 3 times a month let alone 3 times a week.

Who has time to be out that often with a job,a partner and kids.What are they even doing whilst their out?

@duodunical

You respect them a little less every time they do it OP, I understand.

At the same time, you still love them for their good qualities.

Yes, and he has lots of good qualities, this is a tiny part of him and we are generally happy, which makes it doubly confusing to see these flashes of such obviously abusive behaviour from him. I've told him very clearly that it makes me lose respect for him and damages the way I feel about him, I guess it's up to him what he does with that information.

The real question is...why have you tolerated it for 20 years??

Oh yes, I definitely recognise the Water Torturer. I'm married to one. I've allowed myself to be ground down, doubting my own decision-making capabilities and agreeing with him and kow-towing to him. I was only thinking about this today, that I hardly recognise myself.

The going out example was entirely hypothetical, it just seemed like a nice, straightforward example. All the real ones I could think of were too complicated so I just went for something simple.

I don't think I do put unreasonable restrictions on him no, this issue tends to flare up more over stuff he agrees to which commits both our time when we had something else planned already than me trying to curb his social life.

He definitely doesn't always have to concede to what I want either, I'm more than happy with a compromise where we both get some of what we want or to concede to him if that's what's fairest/most sensible. I'm quite happy for him to do anything that makes him happy as long as it's not at major expense/disadvantage to me and that's really the only time I object. I'm generally regarded as easygoing and DH would say the same, except when this happens when suddenly I'm a demanding, high maintenance harridan for expressing an opinion different to his own.

Sorry shrewsigh, that last reply was to you but the quote thing didn't work on your post for some reason.

@kennelmaid

Oh yes, I definitely recognise the Water Torturer. I'm married to one. I've allowed myself to be ground down, doubting my own decision-making capabilities and agreeing with him and kow-towing to him. I was only thinking about this today, that I hardly recognise myself.

You sound so unhappy. My 'favourite', in that it is so accurate, quote I get from mumsnet is that being in a bad relationship slowly erodes you, like water over a stone.

What are your thoughts on leaving the relationship?

I think this behaviour has a name of wanker !

Hands up I don't know how any relationship survives long term. If I was to list and categorise all the disturbing ways my parents behave/react/interact with/to each other it would fill a book and tick a million boxes yet 50+ years on they're still together.

Friends with long, but not that long, relationships could likewise fill out at least an exercise book of less than optimum, bordering on abusive, respect/attraction diminishing behaviours.

I think I would just call it immature and/or pathetic and I guess all of us have some immature/pathetic reactions and therefore if you want to stay in a life long relationship you tolerate whatever your limit of those things is eg. annoying and manipulative but not part of a pattern of abuse and control.

The bit I struggle to get is why we bother? This may be why I'm single and happy to be so. Relationships are hard work and relationships with the half of the population who are pandered to more and have higher levels of entitlement and back up to act selfishly etc are hardest of all.

Not much help sorry.

My ex did this. Ask him not to cook a certain dish a certain way (he was a terrible cook) and I'd get "fine, I'll never cook anything again" (which would have suited me but he forgot it quickly and tried to poison me again pretty soon).
Or, one time he'd spent some money from the joint account that wasn't budgeted for, it had happened about three times, so I just said we needed to review the account and what we were putting in because not all the payments being made were anticipated. And had said "so you're accusing me of stealing from the joint account?".
No....
Good, end of discussion!

It's just a tactic to shut you up. It's exhausting and childish.

I left him.

Some of them just love doing this for fun. There are actually that sad.

My ex used to ask my opinion on things then ignore what I'd suggested (fair enough - I'm not the oracle), not ask my opinion & crack on with something big like buying a car / planning a trip for himself selfish arse

but the very worst was asking my opinion, doing what I'd suggested, not liking the outcome & then moaning on for ever that he'd not wanted to do that & it was all my fault - don't bloody ask me then you don't usually

@Dogwoodrose

The going out example was entirely hypothetical, it just seemed like a nice, straightforward example. All the real ones I could think of were too complicated so I just went for something simple.

I don't think I do put unreasonable restrictions on him no, this issue tends to flare up more over stuff he agrees to which commits both our time when we had something else planned already than me trying to curb his social life.

He definitely doesn't always have to concede to what I want either, I'm more than happy with a compromise where we both get some of what we want or to concede to him if that's what's fairest/most sensible. I'm quite happy for him to do anything that makes him happy as long as it's not at major expense/disadvantage to me and that's really the only time I object. I'm generally regarded as easygoing and DH would say the same, except when this happens when suddenly I'm a demanding, high maintenance harridan for expressing an opinion different to his own.

We learn a lot of our behaviours and communication 'patterns' early on (I'm talking before the age of 7) so by the time we're trying to unravel what's really going on in adulthood it's really difficult. It often works better though to discuss what's going on when you're not in the middle of it.

There are so many things that could be happening inside his head. You could be pushing buttons that were installed by someone else long before you met him.

"Oh shit I forgot I'm supposed to talk this stuff through with her"
or
"Oh shit she's going to say no, what do I do then?"
or
"I was trying to do something nice, what's she upset about?"
or
"I can't handle arguments, if I come out fighting she'll back down"
or
"I can't say no to (x), but now Dogwoodrose is angry because I said yes, what do I do now?"
or
"Fucking hell, why is all my time scheduled, why can't we be spontaneous?"

Any combination of the above, or any number of others things. There are so many possibilities that the only way you'll get any change is by sitting him down when you're not in the middle of one of these arguments and giving an example. Don't talk about how it made you feel to start with, just start off with "the other day when x and x clashed I didn't really understand where your stress/anxiety/anger was coming from, what was going on for you?". No accusations, no blame, it won't necessarily work the first time but if you keep having that conversation then it will firstly make it very clear that you're not going to tolerate the behaviour if it is a straightforward attempt to put you on the defensive, but secondly start him off slowly becoming more aware of how he's reacting when you have these problems.

That makes a lot of sense Gliblet, thank you. It is an approach I've taken in the past with other issues and he is much better at reflecting on his own behaviour and figuring out where it comes from than he used to be so probably worth a try. A PP mentioned insecurity and he definitely has issues with this, mainly stemming from his relationship with his DF so it wouldn't surprise me if that's where it all comes from. I did tell him during the most recent incident/row that he needed to work out why he reacts like that and stop behaving like an abusive cunt or I would leave him but I'm sure I could manage a more gentle conversation once things are calm again.

Dogoodfeelgood is correct. Straw man fallacy. Arguing the wrong bit so it can look like the arguer is correct. Deliberately choosing to misunderstand in order to come out on top.
Boring.
Tiring.
Predictable.
My flunge would slam shut for ten years every time he did this.

Its also a bit of catastrophizing, seeing the worst possible outcome in all situations.

evolutioncounseling.com/catastrophizing-control-relationships/

@Dogwoodrose
Good questions, not distress exactly no, more frustrated and a bit.....disappointed? He's pretty amazing in lots of other ways so I think this just makes me feel like he's letting himself (and me) down a bit. I think it is ingrained behaviour yes and the answer to whether I want to stay is yes, for now. The problem for me is that every time this happens I lose a little more respect for him and that chips away at my feeling for him. I'm worried that if he doesn't find a better way to manage his feelings/behavior I will eventually just stop loving him

Exactly. My DH had particular behaviors, not exactly like yours but stuff he would say every time I "complained" about something. It was messing with my head to such extent that, like you, I just could not name it. I knew it was wrong and not ok but could not articulate it. It definitely drained me, like some posters pointed out, I felt like I was loosing my mind, eventually stopped trying completely as I felt I could never get my point across. Also, what it did, it killed my love for him.

We are now 26 years later in the process of separation. He now acts like a victim, sulking around the house, and making big fuss about me kicking him out of the house AND wanting to take half of HIS savings. I of course feel terribly guilty and have difficulties not feeling sorry for him.

My ex was like this, would threaten to never go out or whatever ever again but then upped his outings, resulted in me bringing our child up and running the house alone he would litraly just come in to eat, sleep and shower. If I ever wanted a discussion about anything I'd get eyes rolled at me so i jist let him get on with it in the end and thank god we split a few years later. Just get rid of him before he erodes you way and you just put up and shut up like I did for years.