Online dating, how honest to be about fairly big flaws?

[user808]

I'm 31. I've never had a relationship, I've never really had friends and I have no idea how to form relationships, romantic or otherwise. I'm also an underachiever, many unfinished courses, a rubbish job, intentions of changing career every couple of years that get nowhere, and I'm not physically attractive but that's clear from my photos.

It feels dishonest to not be open about things that I know are red flags/turn offs to most people but neither do I want to actively put women off.

There aren't many 30-ish-year-old lesbians OLD in my area so I end up looking at a lot of profiles of women in my two closest cities. The distance is fine if there's something there but it's a lot of time and money to waste if I'm travelling to see somebody who would definitely not be interested in me if they knew a bit more about me.

I don't really know how to handle it. How honest to be and when to be honest? Profile, before a first date, after...? Particularly about how isolated I am. I suspect the answer is probably that it's a bit of a lost cause (I wouldn't jump at the chance to go out with me either) but I'd like to feel that I did at least seriously attempt to find a partner while I'm still young enough to have a family.

Those are only flaws if you think of them that way.

How about 'no baggage'. Enjoys quiet night in' etc. plus all the things you like doing e.g. reading, cooking, watching tv, gaming, going for walks...

If you don't like your life at the moment you can change it and it doesn't have to be a big scary change all at once. Try smaller changes - join a social group. Develop a new hobby. See if you can reconnect to old friends, take a short course.

You are still young and don't sound red flaggy to me at all. There are plenty of people out there who would love to be with you just as you are.

You sound nice and uncomplicated to me!

Agree with the previous poster. You are focusing far too much on the negatives.

For example, an ‘underachiever’ as you put it could be very attractive to another woman who doesn’t want a partner to be constantly pressuring her to have a better career etc.

There is someone for everyone, trust me!

Please don’t put your insecurities in a dating profile you might attract the wrong type of person who’ll use that info against you. It’s a bit of a cliche but you got to love you first before anyone else will love you. Talk about your positives or spin your ‘negatives’ as someone has suggested above. I’m dating someone without children and without a long relationship history and it’s true that it’s nice to be with someone without the baggage. Good luck OP

I agree with all of the above, you clearly have positives aswell as these flaws (as you call them) there's nothing to admit to, you don't have any baggage, you're not overly outgoing, these aren't bad things, they're just your personality type and how your life has panned out so far. If you want to take your career in a different direction then just because you haven't found the thing that spurs you on doesn't mean you aren't ambitious, it just means you haven't found the right path for your career yet. Don't give too much away in your profile, I'd say that to anyone, that's for discussion on dates as you get to know people.

My first thought when I saw 'big flaws' in your title was wondering what they were and what flaw would be big enough to put me off and for some reason, my mind went to either serious prison time or obsessive taxidermy.
Lots of people haven't quite found their path in life by the time they're thirty and have taken a bunch of wrong turns. I think its a lot more common than you might think. It wouldn't be off-putting to me at all.

You sound so harsh on yourself. Working on building your confidence might make it easier both to meet people and to be more secure in yourself so that you can enjoy a relationship.

The danger when you feel like this about yourself is that you jump for the first person who is kind to you rather than assessing whether they are the right fit for YOU. Or that your insecurities get in the way once you are in a relationship.

You sound like an introvert who hasn't quite figured her career path at 30. That's ok. It doesn't make you unlovable. It might feel like everyone else has their life figured out already but they don't.

So I'd maybe look at building your social confidence through groups/clubs with a shared interest. Is there any hobby/sport/interest/volunteering that you'd like to try or spend more time doing that could help you meet people? (For friendships as well as potential girlfriends)

And instead of worrying about whether anyone will put up with your flaws (and we all have them) try to think about the qualities you would like in a partner, what flaws you could live with and which are non negotiable.

It doesn't seem much flaws really. If you're down on yourself, that will affect any relationship you have.

Some counseling would give you the skills to feel better about yourself and make any changes you'd want to make.

@OldTurtleNewShell obsessive taxidermy would be a deal breaker for me 😂😂

@user808 I’d go on the online dating thread here for advice.

And maybe think of counselling? I did online dating but it was only fun because I felt in control of it and not very invested.

I too don’t think you sound like you have flaws, you just sound normal.

That's normal self doubt.
You are independent and have value. Let your date get to know you.

I agree with ThirdThoughts, above.
Also, to take off the pressure you’re feeling re your biological clock, maybe look at freezing some eggs? You’re only 30! I just had my second baby by myself at 39. Is it a partner you want or a family? I chased relationships throughout my twenties, but am now really happy being single with my kids. I’d pursue friendships first, and just see where life takes you once you’re busy and socially fulfilled.

OP can you name some positives about you please?

OP can you name some positives about you please?

DH and I are serial underachievers with terrible social skills. We like that about each other, it means we understand each other and feel comfortable being ourselves.

I wouldn't necessarily rule out a serial taxidermist. A passionate sports fan would have me thinking twice, though.

The lack of relationship history could be seen as being a very private choosy person, an introvert. You might be surprised to learn some people (like me), are actually very attracted to that and actively seeking it.

The world has far more variety and is far more forgiving than you imagine.

Have you thought about therapy to improve your self esteem?

OP.... they are not serious flaws! They are elements of your character. We all have those! All the stuff you mentioned....all pretty standard stuff and definitely not for your profile none of it is a big deal, normal life stuff and most of us are about the same....

You're being way way too harsh on yourself! Probably due to lack of relationships and therefore lack of feedback from partners...

You're only 31.... get out there xx

@user808

I'm 31. I've never had a relationship, I've never really had friends and I have no idea how to form relationships, romantic or otherwise. I'm also an underachiever, many unfinished courses, a rubbish job, intentions of changing career every couple of years that get nowhere, and I'm not physically attractive but that's clear from my photos.

It feels dishonest to not be open about things that I know are red flags/turn offs to most people but neither do I want to actively put women off.

There aren't many 30-ish-year-old lesbians OLD in my area so I end up looking at a lot of profiles of women in my two closest cities. The distance is fine if there's something there but it's a lot of time and money to waste if I'm travelling to see somebody who would definitely not be interested in me if they knew a bit more about me.

I don't really know how to handle it. How honest to be and when to be honest? Profile, before a first date, after...? Particularly about how isolated I am. I suspect the answer is probably that it's a bit of a lost cause (I wouldn't jump at the chance to go out with me either) but I'd like to feel that I did at least seriously attempt to find a partner while I'm still young enough to have a family.

"I've never really had friends and I have no idea how to form relationships, romantic or otherwise. I'm also an underachiever, many unfinished courses, a rubbish job, intentions of changing career every couple of years that get nowhere"

this part in particular strongly suggests adhd, my daughter was the same and just got officially diagnosed yesterday. I'd recommend you look into getting assessed just in case it is and if so there's a lot of support that can be accessed, especially with work/career

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/ can all be done online apart from initial referral by GP - just print and fill in the asrs form, print the cover letter etc as it explains the very simple process the gp has to do to get you referred to them under nhs right to choose (this doesn't apply in scotland though apparently)

and support available includes things like this

www.simplywellbeing.com/adhd-coaching/access-to-work-funding-for-adhd-coaching/ the coaching is to help you come up with ways to make work easier and they can recommend items your work should provide to you or reasonable allowances that need to be made

Plus official diagnosis protects you from workplace discrimination

So anyway, I'm not trying to diagnose you over the internet but equally no one can rule it over the internet as well, so I'm leaving the links to make it easier for you to access help if you want it looked into professionally

Having a low opinion of yourself and seeing these things as big flaws is also a symptom and makes you more vulnerable to abusers so it's also very relevant in the dating world. I'd get assessed just in case.

You seem to be focusing on who will like you rather than the opposite.

Bearing in mind you could come across a profile of someone who sounds perfect for you, but when you spend time with them there's no chemistry for you.

Keep the profile simple. You should be looking at their red flags and not yours. You're not signing up for marriage - it's merely a way to introduce yourself.

Best wishes

Don't be so harsh on yourself and don't feel you have to disclose everything upfront about yourself, wait for conversation to come up naturally about a particular subject it's not being dishonest, no one is perfect but I'm sure you are trying to improve your life? As most people are, they will be someone that likes you for you and not just what you do for a living.

Wow don't be so hard on yourself! You sound very straightforward and honest which are great qualities.

Wow! You are being incredibly hard on yourself! When I saw that you had written flaws I was thinking of things like anger outbursts, extreme jealousy, drug addiction, criminal history or something like that.

You are only 31, that is so young, plenty of people haven’t found the right relationship at 31 these days, and so you’ve tried a few different jobs but not yet found what you want to do forever. Some people would see both of these things as a good thing.

These don’t sound like flaws to me, you just lack confidence. Believe in yourself girl!

I don’t even think the things you name are flaws!

Now, my boyfriend (who I met on OLD) and I DO have “flaws”, in terms of things most people consider dating red flags. We both have multiple failed relationships behind us. We were both hugely on the rebound when we met. (And having been kicked out by our previous partners, I was living at my mom’s and he was living in his car!) Both smokers. I could go on.....

When we first met up and started unfolding all these things to each other it was both hilarious and lovely - I remember saying on our first date, God man, we’d spoil another pair!

But we are happy and understand each other well and he is just perfect for me!

And there will be someone out there just in perfect for you too.

I would share some stuff before meeting up possibly just when chatting on-line - like what if anything you do for a living (I am assuming from your post you aren’t a high earner, so you don’t want somebody turning up expecting you to be wining and dining her at expensive restaurants). But loads of things will just come out naturally over time.

You sound lovely OP. Just like you need to back yourself a bit more......

Are you autistic/ADHD? Might be worth looking into online groups for people with those conditions if so, rather than trying to find an NT who gets it.

Youve been pretty hard on yourself even just in that post