Online dating, how honest to be about fairly big flaws?

[user808]

I'm 31. I've never had a relationship, I've never really had friends and I have no idea how to form relationships, romantic or otherwise. I'm also an underachiever, many unfinished courses, a rubbish job, intentions of changing career every couple of years that get nowhere, and I'm not physically attractive but that's clear from my photos.

It feels dishonest to not be open about things that I know are red flags/turn offs to most people but neither do I want to actively put women off.

There aren't many 30-ish-year-old lesbians OLD in my area so I end up looking at a lot of profiles of women in my two closest cities. The distance is fine if there's something there but it's a lot of time and money to waste if I'm travelling to see somebody who would definitely not be interested in me if they knew a bit more about me.

I don't really know how to handle it. How honest to be and when to be honest? Profile, before a first date, after...? Particularly about how isolated I am. I suspect the answer is probably that it's a bit of a lost cause (I wouldn't jump at the chance to go out with me either) but I'd like to feel that I did at least seriously attempt to find a partner while I'm still young enough to have a family.

If you're worried about travelling to see someone and possibly wasting time on that, I can recommend an initial video date. This allows you and the other person to assess whether there will be sufficient interest to travel

I don't think that I'm that hard on myself. I'm reasonably intelligent, interested in a lot of things (although not obsessive taxidermy 😂), very independent.

I have hobbies, which I think makes my lack of friends worse because I do meet people but it never leads to friendship and I know if somebody told me they'd got no friends, even without the other stuff, I'd wonder what's wrong with them. I don't know if it'd be better to just be upfront and instantly remove anybody who thinks like I do.

I'm definitely prone to falling for anybody who's nice to me!

I don't think that I have autism or ADHD. Just missed out on developing social skills as I grew up but I do still believe there's somebody out there who I could have a good relationship with.

@user808

So what do you think of all the advice?

My advice is to be fairly honest. Not about the flaws (don't see them as this) but about what you want from a relationship, what you love in your life such as your hobbies. What your aspirations in life are.

And be humorous. Online dating can be such a boring place to be. Don't as one poster suggested just put the usual boring things in "quiet night in, watching tv" YAWN... I'm sure there was a thread on here about what makes you swipe left and these things featured heavily in there. Try and find it and see what turns other people off.

I'm always drawn to interesting photos in profiles. I might not initially fancy them but they've taken a bit of care and not just shoved some blurry, half arsed image on there.
Make the photos as honestly "you" as you can, not pretending to be someone else.

But at the end of the day the biggest turn off is people who aren't happy with their life and are looking for someone they think can fix that. They can't.

Hi OP - are you happy in yourself - do you want friends?
If so have you thought of meet ups - I’m sure there will be ones in your local towns.
Also is it worth looking a SLAA - it’s sex and love addicts anonymous AND they have an anorexia programme - it’s for people who avoid love and or are social emotional or sexually avoidant. - under earring can be part of this too.
Google SLAA anorexia.
I fear men due to my abusive childhood - the programme has helped.
Good luck.

You're talking yourself down before you've even started.

It seems like you need to find a bit more confidence and love for yourself. You will not appear attractive to others if you only list your flaws and can not think of anything good about yourself.

Have you had any counselling, OP? That could be a great way to explore some of this before jumping into OLD - it doesn't seem like you are quite ready for dating yet x

@user808

I don't think that I'm that hard on myself. I'm reasonably intelligent, interested in a lot of things (although not obsessive taxidermy 😂), very independent.

I have hobbies, which I think makes my lack of friends worse because I do meet people but it never leads to friendship and I know if somebody told me they'd got no friends, even without the other stuff, I'd wonder what's wrong with them. I don't know if it'd be better to just be upfront and instantly remove anybody who thinks like I do.

I'm definitely prone to falling for anybody who's nice to me!

I don't think that I have autism or ADHD. Just missed out on developing social skills as I grew up but I do still believe there's somebody out there who I could have a good relationship with.

Just saw this follow-up post.

I would definitely recommend you seeking out some counselling.

If you are struggling this much with friendships and relationships there is bound to be some issues underlying it, and counselling can help you work through that.

It's really worth you having a look at this a safe environment with someone who will just listen and support you.