Is something actually wrong with my cousin?

[booboocachu]

I've NC for this but am a long standing poster (Mexican house thief, Sistine screamer, cancel the cheque etc).

I am becoming increasingly fed up with my cousin but I'm worried too.

Some history.

I'm a fair bit older than her and remember her as as a very high needs baby and extremely intense child with a lot of difficult emotions. She was dreamy and disorganised and did not make or keep friends easily.

In her teens and 20s she got on a more even keel and things seemed to be going well. She was still very prone to crying a lot and catastrophising with not much of a sense of my needs / boundaries. For example I remember her calling me on my landline at midnight when I had small children to discuss a work issue that was bothering her for example or another time calling up to shout and scream about some perceived slight on my part. But she was still fun and had some perspective and even self awareness.

Now she is in her 30s and all that dreamy
disorganisation and ups and downs seem to have gone completely and been replaced by paranoia and rage.

She is obsessed with money and will openly speculate on her inheritance. She was furious when her PIL downsized as had been planning to move into their house when they died.

She has not been able to stay at any jobs because she argues with and resents any authority figures

She seems to have no empathy for others and talks at them at great length about her paranoid concerns and worries.

A lot of her friends have now dropped her and her siblings have distanced themselves too.

I do love her but I don't understand this personality shift. Does she sound NT? Why would someone shift from emotional ups and downs to what seems to be a purely negative outlook? And what can I do?

You know when my daughter discloses that she's autistic people assume that means she's difficult, has no empathy, throws horrific tantrums etc.....shes actually very very empathetic, calm, deep thinking intelligent young lady. I'm sick of these ableist posts.

It does sound as if something isnt as it should be. I think the change in her personality is particularly concerning. Tbh theres very little you can do other than encourage her to see the gp and ask for referral.

Diagnosing personality disorders and bi polar based on a post about someone's bad behaviour is just as offensive as suggested it's due to ASD. Rarely do people call that out though

I see it all the time. And I'm sick of it. It needs to stop. Human beings have those disorders too and often they are a result of deeply traumatic experiences in childhood.

Jeez I wasn’t going to say anything like pp. if she was a demanding attention seeking young person she’s the same as an adult. Just changing the tactic. A crying teenager gets attention and support but a crying 30 year old doesn’t get taken as seriously at work. But anger is a way of demanding attention. And the issue with pil selling their house - as a child was she likely to demand the biggest piece of cake or a new toy right now???

Maybe there are some mental health issues but maybe she just has a difficult personality.

[quote Meggymoo777]@user77hjjy same 🙄

An ASD diagnosis seems to be the answer for a lot of posters on here. How about.... some people are just naturally - different / unsociable / uncaring / unaware / couldn't give a shit / self centred / narcissistic / suffering from a period of depression / just going through a rough patch etc etc etc the list goes on but ASD/ADHD seem to be such a common reasoning on this forum 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Me too. Not Autism.

We could throw about lots of options like personality disorders or various MH disorders, trauma, complex PTSD, head injury and on, but it might just be who she is. And in terms of answers and helping her, unless she's prepared to seek help and address the behaviours nothing will change. Can you cope with her being in your life if this happens? Do you think she'd listen if you bought up your concerns in a gentle way or more likely to shoot the messenger?

On the asd point.

My DH has asd and adhd but he manages both very well. I do see similarities between my cousin and DH and both are very self centred. But whereas he is extremely gentle and decent she seems to have got further and further away from her childhood personality. And my DH has actually suffered trauma - it didn't make him angry as she is.

@RealisticSketch

It does sound as though something is wrong and it is possible to become gradually more sour if things are repeatedly turning out badly as it sounds like things have. It would be a shame if she has been struggling through an undiagnosed condition and this was the reason why she constantly hit bumps in her work and relationships. I think any of us would become bitter if those two major things never went well. Maybe she is the author of her own troubles, maybe she's a lost soul who has never received vital support. If you can discuss it with her that might be a kind choice, but it sounds like it would not be simple. If no-one cares enough to try to get to the bottom of it then her trajectory isn't likely to change. But then some people reach a point where they reject any intervention no matter how well intended. Which would be so sad, she's only young. Can you discuss it with anyone else in the family, it's a big thing to try to confront alone

I think this is great advice. We don't have a culture of talking openly about mental health. But maybe I can broach it with her parents somehow.

@Unsuremover

Jeez I wasn’t going to say anything like pp. if she was a demanding attention seeking young person she’s the same as an adult. Just changing the tactic. A crying teenager gets attention and support but a crying 30 year old doesn’t get taken as seriously at work. But anger is a way of demanding attention. And the issue with pil selling their house - as a child was she likely to demand the biggest piece of cake or a new toy right now???

Maybe there are some mental health issues but maybe she just has a difficult personality.

This also makes a lot of sense to me

I think you’re too fixated on differences from her ‘childhood personality’ and pathologising what she’s like now. I’m not at all like what older family members thought I was like as a child — they thought I was timid, anxious and struggled with friendships, but in fact I was being brought up by parents who were shy, socially-anxious, worrier introverts, and mirroring those behaviours. As an adult, I’m socially-confident and assertive, and have a lot of friends. That is in fact my personality, I had just never had these behaviours modelled for me in childhood.

Is there not a perspective from which this is simply what she’s like? That she’s an angry, paranoid, self-absorbed person who struggles with friendships and keeping jobs? That you may love her but you no longer like her, and are trying to find a condition that gives you a reason to think this behaviour is not ‘really her’?

@MindtheBelleek I think you may be right on this. It just seems so extreme and also that she can't ever seem to learn from any mistakes. I know it bothers her that her friends and siblings have withdrawn from her. But she can't seem to reflect at all on what has gone wrong. That's why I wonder about her mental health.

Why is it not ok to suggest autism, yet it is ok to suggest personality disorders etc?

What's the difference?

All posters are doing is making suggestions based on their own life experiences to try to help the op.

There are various schools of thought on how mental ill health develops but early experiences and trauma is likely to be a factor irrespective of anything genetic going on. She sounds very unhappy if nothing else and talking therapy might be a good idea whatever might be underlying that.

I mean if she's been unable to keep jobs then she probably does have money concerns and the house inheritance was probably how she's been keeping herself going by thinking of that as the safety net that will save her financially. Now that's gone, she probably feels bereft and adrift and scared for the future.

Behaviour is all communication. It tells you something about what's going on emotionally even the behaviour we don't like.

@bitheby

I mean if she's been unable to keep jobs then she probably does have money concerns and the house inheritance was probably how she's been keeping herself going by thinking of that as the safety net that will save her financially. Now that's gone, she probably feels bereft and adrift and scared for the future.

Behaviour is all communication. It tells you something about what's going on emotionally even the behaviour we don't like.

Hi, no sorry I should've been clear. Her DH is a very high earner and her parents have gifted her significant sums (they are mortgage free for example). I would really understand more of her money obsession was rooted in deprivation (or fear of it).

If you're talking to her, can you express that you're a bit worried about her and she doesn't seem very happy? Suggest that it might be worth talking to her GP to see if s/he can help?

It sounds like she's in that grey area between mental illness, some form of personality disorder, and that just being who she is. Any of these things could be changed/ treated, if she were willing to accept she needs to change, and work on this. She may not want to, but she does sound unhappy.

Paranoia can be a symptom of long untreated depression. If you talk to her parents perhaps start with that. Say she doesn't seem happy at all and you are concerned about her. See if they have any ideas about how to help her. Unfortunately, her paranoia may make her untreatable. I think you can start conversations with her and her parents separately, but be prepared for the fact that it might alienate you from them and not change her. Then again, if you say nothing she won't change either.

Sounds like me when I was drinking. I'm a (recovering) alcoholic.

That's a good point, @Shannith Cannabis produces paranoia as well. Not saying it is the case, just another thing to consider.

@BertramLacey

That's a good point, *@Shannith* Cannabis produces paranoia as well. Not saying it is the case, just another thing to consider.

More likely to be cannabis than most of the suggestions on here.

Without knowing full history, how her parents treated her in comparison to her siblings etc, you can't diagnose at all.

Definitely not anything drink or drugs related. She's very healthy - eats well, exercises a lot.

Whatever is going on she needs a referral to a psychiatrist. It could be any number of things. People always jump to autism or borderline personality disorder. It does not sound much like bpd.

Severe anxiety can sometimes come out as anger... people don’t just change overnight something will have triggered the change in her.

@booboocachu

Definitely not anything drink or drugs related. She's very healthy - eats well, exercises a lot.

Unless you follow her 24/7, you can't know that for sure. Many people take drugs, people you wouldn't expect, and paranoia is a side effect of cannabis. A sudden change like that, I'd expect it to either be a drug or hormonal. More like those than personality disorder.

So she could have MH issues or she could have been so spoilt as a child that she just expects too much from people and throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way/what she wants. Do her parents or Dh think there is a problem? Maybe have a word with them. If they don't see an issue and accept her behaviour then I wouldn't be the one stepping in to suggest counselling or gp visits.

This screams ASD to me, as someone who has ASD.

Despite all the nasty posters here insinuating it's used as an excuse, the behaviours described are very much in line with a woman with ASD which has gone undiagnosed and who doesn't understand why everything in life seems like such a battle. The lack of boundaries (ringing at inappropriate times) and 'ranting' are hallmarks of it.

No wonder suicide rates are sky high among women with ASD. Look at this thread to see the total lack of empathy and compassion towards someone who is very obviously struggling with life skills and communication. I'm pretty sure most people here would feel 'paranoia and rage' if everything in their lives kept going to shit and they had no idea why. ASD often gets much worse at 30+ as the person is no longer able to keep 'masking' and the coping strategies they used earlier in life start failing as they are expected to take on more and more adult responsibilities.

This doesn't sound at all like narcissism or someone who is just a bad person. No sign of mean or nasty behaviour or trying to use someone for her own ends, just someone who is very obviously in a bad place and struggling to cope.