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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He makes me feel awful

41 replies

EzrasMummy · 15/11/2007 14:28

I havent posted my own thread before. Im usually a lurker. I got married back in 2004 and i had a child before we met. Hes 7 now. I also have a 6.5 month old daughter.

My husband has been good to me over the years, but when i got married he started to care less. When i got pregnant and had the baby, even less.

He's always preoccupied and when i try to talk to him, he doesnt respond. Whenever we have a problem, so long as i dont get in his face or stop him doing what he wants, he could go perfectly well, without talking to me for weeks. He just doesnt seem bothered.

Ill give you some examples (there are many many more!)

When i was pregnant, he wouldnt pick me and my son up from the shops (we went shopping because HE wouldnt even tho he promised) because he couldnt be bothered. we ended up walking for half an hour to get home with the shopping. (I was high risk after having my son at 25 weeks and had a stitch in my cervix so wasnt supposed to do ANYTHING).

2 weeks after baby was born by c section I was doing housework because he wouldnt. (I dont care about him eating/being clean etc i cared about the kids so i did their stuff)

When i got pregnant i told him to save some money and he said he would. he also said i could have as much time off work this time round (I was back at work just 27 days aftr my boy was born, while he was still in intensive care. was single parent had no choice). he said he would and didnt save the money and in the end i had to go back to work when my baby was 5 months old.

I asked him if he wanted to save the marriage and he didnt respond. He wont even look at me when i talk and i NEVER shout at him.

I ask him if his family are important to him and he doesnt respond.

He is supposed to contribute towards childcare but im paying all of it. every month he says he'll give me the money at the end of the month. although i earn more i have NO money left at the end of the month sometimes i go hungry.

I would go on but this post is long already.

I think he's treating me and the kids like this (he NEVER spends time with them) so that he can leave us but with me the one ending things so it doesnt look so bad. His Church will have something to say about it but i dont care.

Just wanted to get a few things off my chest thats all

OP posts:

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 15/11/2007 14:35

I also work full time and he does but finishes work at 3pm and picks the kids up. he gives my son dinner which i made previously. I still come home and bath feed baby and do her bottles/my sons lunch etc. I still do all the housework (sometimes he washes up tho or tidys up) I still do all the shopping even though he has time to.

In bed he takes advantage of me when im sleeping and has sex with me. Im usually half asleep and i try to push him off but he doesnt. I feel so cheap and im sore in the morning. hes done this so many times and ive asked him to stop. then in the morning when im upset about it he acts as if nothings happened or avoids me. Ive been raped before and he knows that and how it makes me feel. he doesnt seem to care.

OP posts:

Freckle · 15/11/2007 14:36

What exactly does he bring to your marriage? A marriage is meant to be a partnership where everything is shared equally. It sounds as though you are doing and paying for virtually everything and that you could continue doing this whether he was around or not.

I think you need to write down his good points and his bad points. If the bad seriously outweigh the good, you have to think if the marriage is worth saving.

Hassled · 15/11/2007 14:39

I don't really know what to say - he sounds like a selfish tosser. What church allows people to behave that badly? I think you need to do a lot of thinking about whether you actually get anything out of this relationship at all - you haven't, for example, said that you love him. Is there any reason to stay? Do you want to leave? I can't believe this sort of existence can be good for anyone - either you or your kids.

hayCHingleBells · 15/11/2007 14:40

I wouldnt stand for it.

If he didnt respond to me id push it, infact i probobly wouldnt let it go until i got a reasonable answer.

If he came onto me like that in the night, id go freakin bananas!

goingfriggincrazy · 15/11/2007 14:44

what church thinks it's ok for a husband to rape his wife?

I agree with hassled,it's not a healthy situation for you or your children.

Baffy · 15/11/2007 14:45

Do you feel you're getting anything from the relationship? He gives you no money and you do most things for the children so you're effectively a single parent anyway. Surely making that final break would be better than living with the way he makes you feel?

And what he does to you in bed - that is rape. That alone should give you the incentive to get away from him.

You, and your children, deserve so much more than this

Carmenere · 15/11/2007 14:46

Oh God your posts are so upsetting That isn't a marraige or even a relationship. You say you never shout at him? How can you not, he is raping you and it seems like the only reason he hasn't left you is because you do all the work in the house. I am so sad for you, please get some professional help, life isn't meant to be so miserable.

meglet · 15/11/2007 14:57

It doesn't seem like you have much of a relationship left. He sounds like such a pig you'd probably all be much happier without him. If he's bringing you down then you need to make some major changes. (((hugs)))

noonar · 15/11/2007 15:03

please dont allow him to treat you like this any longer. do you hae family and freinds who support you, if you separate?

fawkeoff · 15/11/2007 15:04

maybe you would be better of on your own with your 2 beautiful children and be a strong person without that tosser.if my dp tried to force himself on me i would NEVER sleep in the same room as him again, just because you are married does not give him the right to have sex with you whenever he feels like it.you need to do some serious decision making as to whether you want to spend your life with a man who is clearly sucking the life out of you

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 15/11/2007 19:08

Sorry I was at work I'm back home now. First and foremost id like to say that I do love him dearly but im not in love with him anymore. Also its not his Church that allows this. His pastor (Who used to be my pastor) is a very nice man and has had a word with him on many occasions. He respects his pastor very much and so do i. He would be horrified if i told him everything.

As for the bills. My husband is not selfish at all when it comes to money. hes the kind of person who makes promises with good intentions but forgets or just doesnt follow them thru. Finacially i wouldnt manage without his input but that wouldnt be a reason why i would stay.

He doesnt do those horrible things all the time but whenever he does do it it makes me so sad. When things are fine he is perfect. As soon as weve had a disagreement or im sad (even when he doesnt know why) he isnt even curious let alone concerned with me being sad.

I love him so much but i just cant live like this when he wont even acknowledge my presenc e and when i talk to him he doesnt even look at me or stop what he's doing, even tho he knows i dont like it.

The funny thing is he wasnt like that at the beginning. At least i know he cared even tho he wasnt the best communicator. now i know he doesnt care and im sure he finds me ugly and unattractive too (not that i mind, i think im ok myself!)

OP posts:

anorak · 15/11/2007 19:17

I don't know much about it but do you think your husband could have asperger's or some sort of autism? I am thinking that perhaps he can't relate to your sadness, so he shuts off.

anorak · 15/11/2007 19:19

Is he loving and kind when things are ok? Perhaps his silences are when he doesn't know what to say?

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 15/11/2007 19:30

I know for sure he doesnt know what to say. also he doesnt like it when i disagree with him. if i do he says absolutely nothing more. Also when other people are sad or upset, he doesnt shut off with them. And i agree he shuts off. i know he does that when i cry, he told me a long time ago. Hes never been the best talker, but he could write a letter etc. Its the fact that he doesnt care anymore that gets me the most.

he used to be like this (not being able to talk much etc) but its got worse, and now he doesnt even show in his actions that he cares.

OP posts:

anorak · 15/11/2007 19:36

Can you get him to have some counselling? I bet his pastor would suggest it.

In front of a third party he would be forced to communicate.

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 15/11/2007 19:53

nope only from his pastor who has spoken to him on many occasions and basically tells him he needs to start talking to me. In front of a third party he says nothing (trust me its happened many times!)

OP posts:

milou2 · 16/11/2007 15:38

Hi, I'm butting in here..

.. have just looked at the thread and the OP and saw the bit about you being hungry by the end of the month. How is the food situation now for you?

...also the sex when you don't want it, that does sound serious, can someone else suggest some possible approaches for this??

33kjs · 16/11/2007 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 19/11/2007 13:44

Hi Sorry Ive been so busy with baby and all. I told him i wanted to separate. He basically told me i should get over it all. hes made no effort apart from just saying he doesnt want to split up (only says it when under pressure tho). I feel so down i just want to disappear. He said hed make an effort then didnt even talk to me! he says he wants to stay together but nothing has changed, even on the same day he said it! im just fed up with it all

OP posts:

chinwag · 19/11/2007 14:03

I am so glad that you have posted again. Please speak to someone about this, whether it's a trusted GP, or Women's Aid. You can't go on for the rest of your life like this.

Dior · 19/11/2007 14:05

Message withdrawn

colditz · 19/11/2007 14:06

Get him to go to relate. things like this have a way of spiralling. I dragged ex their before we did split, and although it didn't stop us splitting up, it made dealing with him much easier.

The councellers are very good, and won't make either of you two out to be bad, so do try to go if you can.

colditz · 19/11/2007 14:07

Sorry just read that he rapes you. Kick him out.

warthog · 19/11/2007 14:11

sorry, but i think you have to end this. he doesn't have respect for you or your children and goes against your wishes time and time again. he's an abuser. you need to get out.

Original poster

EzrasMummy · 19/11/2007 14:15

I asked him this morning and he said he doesnt want marriage counselling. even when things arent so bad we dont even talk to eachother. he does his own thing (sits on the computer or plays with his DJ equipment). he NEVER sits down for a chat. Its like im being used. He loves his kids but doesnt even take time to spend time with them. Ive had a hard time these past few years and you know the worst thing is is that when i talk to him whether im crying or not, me being upset doesnt bother him at all. Also, people would swear on their lives that he wouldnt be like that. hes such a nice person... to everyone else but not his family. Ive left a message with his pastor to tell them ive decided to separate.

I told him because i dont want anyone coming to my house telling me that he is my husband and i should respect him and im throwing the marriage away. so far as im concerned he did that all by himself. short of telling me to f off hes done it in his actions. I ve done so much for that man and if he doesnt like me anymore all he has to do is say so and i will respect that and wont waste any more of my time.

Another thing is that my son couldnt care less whether he lives with us or not. he loves him but on telling my son that Daddy might live somewhere else and that we both love him dearly. his words were "I dont mind Mummy, as long as ive got you and the baby".

That says it all.

Does anyone know how much it costs to legally separate?

OP posts:

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