He makes me feel awful

[EzrasMummy]

Hi

I havent posted my own thread before. Im usually a lurker. I got married back in 2004 and i had a child before we met. Hes 7 now. I also have a 6.5 month old daughter.

My husband has been good to me over the years, but when i got married he started to care less. When i got pregnant and had the baby, even less.

He's always preoccupied and when i try to talk to him, he doesnt respond. Whenever we have a problem, so long as i dont get in his face or stop him doing what he wants, he could go perfectly well, without talking to me for weeks. He just doesnt seem bothered.

Ill give you some examples (there are many many more!)

When i was pregnant, he wouldnt pick me and my son up from the shops (we went shopping because HE wouldnt even tho he promised) because he couldnt be bothered. we ended up walking for half an hour to get home with the shopping. (I was high risk after having my son at 25 weeks and had a stitch in my cervix so wasnt supposed to do ANYTHING).

2 weeks after baby was born by c section I was doing housework because he wouldnt. (I dont care about him eating/being clean etc i cared about the kids so i did their stuff)

When i got pregnant i told him to save some money and he said he would. he also said i could have as much time off work this time round (I was back at work just 27 days aftr my boy was born, while he was still in intensive care. was single parent had no choice). he said he would and didnt save the money and in the end i had to go back to work when my baby was 5 months old.

I asked him if he wanted to save the marriage and he didnt respond. He wont even look at me when i talk and i NEVER shout at him.

I ask him if his family are important to him and he doesnt respond.

He is supposed to contribute towards childcare but im paying all of it. every month he says he'll give me the money at the end of the month. although i earn more i have NO money left at the end of the month sometimes i go hungry.

I would go on but this post is long already.

I think he's treating me and the kids like this (he NEVER spends time with them) so that he can leave us but with me the one ending things so it doesnt look so bad. His Church will have something to say about it but i dont care.

Just wanted to get a few things off my chest thats all

Message withdrawn

Even after the baby was born (I had a C section and my bed wasnt working so i had to crawl to the end of the bed to put it down to get out) he couldnt leave quick enough. And when i asked him to screen my calls (I was feeling like sh1t and was tearful as i for once asked him to stick up for me and say i wasnt available - he tends to say yes to everything when it comes to others and he doesnt even stick up for me in front of his family when theyre being horrible to me) He made some comment about screening my calls and i was so upset because thats the one thing i asked him to do for me (i dont ask him for anything) and i started crying coz i felt let down as this was the ONE thing i asked of him (I hate relying on people that let you down thats y i dont ask him for anything and if i do he huffs and puffs about it). Basically he told me to snap out of it. this was 3 days after the baby was i got home (i was readmitted due to adhesion pain etc). he would NEVER say that to one of his friends. Hes always there for them but not us.

Ive had enough but i just need some strength. I know he doesnt want to be with me and me fear is to make things work and then a year down the line he ups and leaves. He hates me and doesnt know how to get out of it (hes not a confrontational person so would NEVER tell me he doesnt love me anymore.) he wouldnt be sad if i asked him to leave. he would just wonder what people say. i dont want to end up hating him or being bitter but i have to do what is right

Sorry i keep coming and going. usually the only time i get to post is in my lunch hour and sometimes at home if im not busy! Im going to log off now. Thanks for all your comments, theyve been very helpful

it sounds like you need to find a solicitor. They will be able to answer your question about how much it will cost to legally separate

Get some legal advice, contact Women's Aid and excape from this abusive tosspot. And if your church thinks that women are men's possessions and should just put up with being raped and treated with contempt because that;s all they are good for, leave the church as well.
You are a lovely human being and deserve respect and kindness, no matter what.

How's things EzrasMummy?

Things are much better thanks. I love him dearly and he loves us and everything has got better. The only problem i have is that i cant give him 100% of me, for fear hell let me down again. I love him but i have now put a brick wall around me. on the surface everything seems fine and its as thought we're just being polite to eachother.

Im just taking each day as it comes. Thanks so much for asking.

Bloody hell just read this post. How could you possibly stay with a man like that? Surely there is someone better out there for you and your child?

And raping you when you sleep .

I'm really glad things are better for you. I hope they stay that way.

Ezras M I am happy that things are better now but do be warned that it may not be great forever; putting a brick wall around you is no way to live. Also, think about your son and how this is affecting him and your new baby. I feel so much for you, your last post on 19 Nov is just heartbreaking, you must be such a strong, brave woman and I think you deserve so much better. Keep posting and Good luck xx

Hi

I know this was ages ago but I'd just like to say that I finally told him to leave in July last year. He took advantage of me one last time and the next day i told him to leave. He more or less ran to the hills.

When i asked him to leave in the past he wouldnt. After he got his british passport, he's off.

I am much happier and the only thing i hate is having to see his smug face (I got him a new job with international travel etc. His dream job actually) but i just smile and say hi or bye when i see him.

He is not being too good to the kids but they are happy and thats the main thing.

The deciding factor for me was that i dont want someone like that living with my children and I wouldnt like my Son to end up treating women like that or my Daughter to think its ok to be treated like that.

I am now filing for divorce.

Many thanks for your words of advice. I am 100% sure I made the right decision and I have no respect left for this man.

Once again, Thanks so much

Take it easy Ezra, you did the right thing.

xx

Good for you! Well done

"he takes advantage of me when I'm sleeping and has sex with me." No, he is not 'having sex'; he is raping you.
"He doesn't do these horrible things all the time" -- just some of the time so that's OK?
"The funny thing is he wasn't like that in the beginning". -- if he was like that in the beginning would you have looked twice at him?
"he doesn't like it when I disagree with him"
"he doesn't even show in his actions that he cares."
"It feels like I'm being used"
"He loves his kids but"
"He basically told me I should get over it all"

SOOOOOO glad you kicked him out. You sound so much stronger now, and happy in your decision. Well done.

oh, well done

good luck for the future xx

Thanks guys

I know I did the right thing and I knew it all along that it needed to be done, and I feel so much better for it. More importantly my children are more happy, settled and I actually have more time for them

I have only mine and the childrens mess to clear up and none of his DJ crap is around the house.

I have control over the finances and I'm now starting to get attention from other guys (I really cant face another relationship for a while but it's still a nice ego boost)

I feel so much more positive about the future and I refuse to allow anyone to treat me in a way I don't deserve.

Once the divorce is finalised (well I hope it will be straight forward but I put some of the things he did as unreasonable behaviour so he may contest it) I will be completely free of him! well except for the children of course)