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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please can I have a handhold; my husband attempted suicide for the 5th time

43 replies

Purplebutterfly320 · 10/05/2021 18:08

We have been together a long time and we have a young KS1 primary school child.

Mental health problems came out the blue for him in 2018 and he wanted to take his life with a knife. He was admitted to hospital, discharged and then sectioned back. It was all very traumatic.
2019 he had 2 major overdoses and hospital stay.
2021; he has had 2 major overdoses; Jan
& last month - hospitalisation after both.

I had a breakdown myself after his Jan episode as he was very frightening and abusive for weeks before the overdose.
He would shout at me ‘You’re a bitch’ etc.
And the strain of trying to help with his continually shouted intrusive & obsessional thoughts-for example he would shout out 36 times in one hour and our child would get caught up in it.
Nothing helps the obsessional thought shouting - not trying to reason with them, ignore them, cry, get angry.

He also wouldn’t take any responsibility for seeking help and it was always me calling the gp and crisis team etc for him, which he kept rejecting.
The suicide attempts are very impulsive - the April one seems to have been triggered by needing to sort out some paperwork in his work office.

After the Jan overdose I ended up having a breakdown myself and i was in a terrible depressed state of mind and worried if I would be able to look after our child due to the very low state I was in.
I have managed to pull myself through it, with lots of antidepressants, seeing a psychiatrist and counselling.

I felt the only option was to separate and him see our son in a contact centre for safeguarding due to how frightening my husband was/is. DH seemed to have accepted that. I’ve arranged and paid for the contact centre - it’s just waiting for him to do his enrolment part.
I have also been putting our child on Skype with him regularly (we are now living apart).

I also gave him a list of people who could help him; private psychiatrist, counsellor, gp, CMHT but he didn’t reach out to anyone before the suicide attempt and hasn’t since.
The mh nurses all say that DH must work with them to help himself.
He said he doesn’t know what to do during the day and I’ve sent him a list of all different things he can do.
His family is of very limited help and of no support.

It all feels pointless and helpless.
My main priority is keeping afloat myself as I don’t want to risk becoming incapable of looking after and our child being taken into care.

I feel very guilty - I feel guilty that we are separated and I can’t help DH more. But I’ve done all I possibly could over 3 and a half years and made myself ill in the process.
I feel very guilty because our child said they miss daddy living at home - his father being ill is all he’s known really. But I know from the Skypes that DH is not better. I need to protect our child.
I feel very guilty for splitting up the family.

Thank you for reading and any advice.

OP posts:

Verbena87 · 10/05/2021 18:15

Hand hold, massive hug, large quantity of cake.

You have done the right thing.

There comes a point where whatever the reasons for someone’s unacceptable behaviour, you MUST stop accepting the behaviour for your own safety and well-being. More so with a child involved.

No answers I’m afraid but you don’t need to feel guilty.

TerrifiedandWorried · 10/05/2021 18:17

You are incredibly brave and strong. Yiu are putting your child first and I have the utmost respect for you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Nicklebox · 10/05/2021 18:23

Must be very difficult for you, i can't imagine being under that amount of stress. You need to make yourself and your child the first priority. I've had a breakdown myself twice and know how horrible it is. I hope that you have a good support network to help you. Your DH needs to take responsibility for himself and try to get help, but if he is very depressed that can be difficult to do. Was there something that happened to trigger the depression? I think distancing from him is the best thing for you and your child try not too feel guilty for leaving it sounds as if you did everything you could to help him. Can you access any counseling for yourself. Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes.

Tal45 · 10/05/2021 18:28

You have absolutely done everything you could, absolutely nothing else you could do but prioritise the well being of your child and yourself in the end. I can't imagine all you have been through, please, please look after yourself now xxx

NickyHeath · 10/05/2021 18:30

This must be so hard for you but you are right to protect yourself and your child. Are your own family or friends supporting you?

Spied · 10/05/2021 18:32

You are such a strong woman.
Your ds is very lucky to have a mum like you.

Ardvark111 · 10/05/2021 18:38

Wow you have been through the grinder,!! Only the professionals can help him now but he must also play his part in helping himself, you have done the right thing 're seperation and contact centre, you need respite yourself, good luck for the future

Fleetheart · 10/05/2021 18:39

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t feel guilty you have done all you can. You need to look after yourself and your son.

Pinkpaisley · 10/05/2021 18:45

You’ve done exactly what you need to do. You have taken care of yourself and your shared child. You have made sure your husband has the resources available to get better.

If your husband were well, he would want you to prioritize your child. Focus on that. Focus on being the best Mom you can be.

tribpot · 10/05/2021 18:47

You have very clearly spelt out the reasons why you had to take the actions that you did. First and foremost the need to protect your child. Then the need to protect yourself.

I think you have done all that you can and need to stop propping him up. As the nurses said, unless he wants to seek help none of it is any good. You've given him the info. It's over to him now. If you feel like you have to keep managing him day to day you are just going to end up ill again.

So let's talk about you - do you have support, as @NickyHeath asks? Family and friends but are you also seeing your own MH team? You definitely need ongoing support.

This is a very sad situation but you are doing what is best for your dc. Keep on keeping on.

PotteringAlong · 10/05/2021 18:50

Not only have you done nothing wrong, you have done everything right and I have nothing but the upmost respect for you.

SunshineSuxx · 10/05/2021 18:55

I'm a very strong believer that we can only be responsible for our own actions, OP.

And the actions you've taken are those of a devoted and caring Mum.

You can't make your DH get help, or take that help. He's the only person who can change the path he's on.

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 10/05/2021 19:00

You can’t fix him, and you’re not responsible, or even able, to try to get to fix himself. You’ve done the right thing for you and your child. You are protecting your child and yourself from further damage and that is all you can do, it must have been a very difficult decision. Where are you/he living? Have you moved out of the home? Do you have family support?

Likeroses · 10/05/2021 19:10

You are already doing everything you can do.

Do you mind me asking what DX your DH has? I'm just wondering as the treatment paths are really varied depending on what illness he has
My mother has mental health problems and has been sectioned 4 times she has EUPD. My mum refuses to engage in DBT so are stuck in a cycle of self harm and suicide attempts. I'm a trainee MH nurse and what I've learnt is you can't force someone to engage with recovery they have to really want it themselves.

imsoinmyhead · 10/05/2021 19:14

How awful for you. But you've done the right thing, prioritising yours and your child's safety

pog100 · 10/05/2021 19:53

OP, you may not fully realise it but that is an incredibly impressive set of responses in the circumstances and one that anyone should be proud of. You have done everything, and more, that anyone could ask and you are protecting your vulnerable son. Well done, really!

feelingfree17 · 10/05/2021 20:02

What a wonderful mum you are, you have done the right thing. I am so sorry you are faced with such a difficult situation. Focus on yourself and your DC. 💐💐

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/05/2021 20:31

He's been abusive towards you.

You have to protect yourself and your children from him. It's not your fault, it's not their fault. You've done more than anybody else could expect of you.

You have nothing at all to feel guilty about.

Now save yourself and withdraw for your own safety and sanity.

Mif4 · 10/05/2021 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Midwife1997 · 10/05/2021 21:04

You've done your very best. Don't be dragged down. As others have said you cannot fix your husband. I know it's hard. You are a credit to your son, so you and he build a happy life together. Baby steps. You can do this. x

Midwife

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 10/05/2021 21:10

Stop feeling guilty. Your priority is your baby and you in that order.

Devlesko · 10/05/2021 21:10

@PotteringAlong

Not only have you done nothing wrong, you have done everything right and I have nothing but the upmost respect for you.

Perfect, totally agree.

Hagqueen · 10/05/2021 21:42

@Purplebutterfly320 you are doing amazing Purple!

You’ve kept your son and yourself safe and looked after, this is the most important thing you can do.

I’m so sorry about your husband, and that he is struggling so much, but you are right to continue as you are.

I don’t have any good advice, but just know I think you are so brave and doing so well! Keep looking after yourself and your little one!

Smartiepants79 · 10/05/2021 21:47

You have done the right thing.
Protecting your child is the number one priority.
You can’t help your husband any more.
He needs much more than you can give him and the situation would only get worse and have an even greater impact on your child.
Stay strong.

baldafrique · 10/05/2021 21:49

So sad. I really feel for you. What has he been diagnosed with? Definitely look into getting therapy for yourself if at all possible, highly traumatic circumstances.

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