Please can I have a handhold; my husband attempted suicide for the 5th time

[Purplebutterfly320]

We have been together a long time and we have a young KS1 primary school child.

Mental health problems came out the blue for him in 2018 and he wanted to take his life with a knife. He was admitted to hospital, discharged and then sectioned back. It was all very traumatic.
2019 he had 2 major overdoses and hospital stay.
2021; he has had 2 major overdoses; Jan
& last month - hospitalisation after both.

I had a breakdown myself after his Jan episode as he was very frightening and abusive for weeks before the overdose.
He would shout at me ‘You’re a bitch’ etc.
And the strain of trying to help with his continually shouted intrusive & obsessional thoughts-for example he would shout out 36 times in one hour and our child would get caught up in it.
Nothing helps the obsessional thought shouting - not trying to reason with them, ignore them, cry, get angry.

He also wouldn’t take any responsibility for seeking help and it was always me calling the gp and crisis team etc for him, which he kept rejecting.
The suicide attempts are very impulsive - the April one seems to have been triggered by needing to sort out some paperwork in his work office.

After the Jan overdose I ended up having a breakdown myself and i was in a terrible depressed state of mind and worried if I would be able to look after our child due to the very low state I was in.
I have managed to pull myself through it, with lots of antidepressants, seeing a psychiatrist and counselling.

I felt the only option was to separate and him see our son in a contact centre for safeguarding due to how frightening my husband was/is. DH seemed to have accepted that. I’ve arranged and paid for the contact centre - it’s just waiting for him to do his enrolment part.
I have also been putting our child on Skype with him regularly (we are now living apart).

I also gave him a list of people who could help him; private psychiatrist, counsellor, gp, CMHT but he didn’t reach out to anyone before the suicide attempt and hasn’t since.
The mh nurses all say that DH must work with them to help himself.
He said he doesn’t know what to do during the day and I’ve sent him a list of all different things he can do.
His family is of very limited help and of no support.

It all feels pointless and helpless.
My main priority is keeping afloat myself as I don’t want to risk becoming incapable of looking after and our child being taken into care.

I feel very guilty - I feel guilty that we are separated and I can’t help DH more. But I’ve done all I possibly could over 3 and a half years and made myself ill in the process.
I feel very guilty because our child said they miss daddy living at home - his father being ill is all he’s known really. But I know from the Skypes that DH is not better. I need to protect our child.
I feel very guilty for splitting up the family.

Thank you for reading and any advice.

Sounds extremely ill.

You have done everything you possibly could and now you have been forced to choose and you are putting your child first. This is the right decision
It's heartbreaking but it's the right thing to do.
You can't fix your DH, but you can protect your child.

I so sorry you are going through this. 💐

Sending you a big hug.

My relationship ended a couple of months ago with a bloke who sounds similar. He has only attempted suicide once. But he never sorted himself afterwards. In his case he quit drinking and went back to work. He now just walks around with all this Pent up anger and has destroyed every relationship around him since. He's sadly just not a nice person on one side and then on the other he can be really nice. It's like he's split. I don't recognise him when he's angry. He also started being so mean. Putting me down. Shouting. Blaming me. I couldn't understand it because a few days earlier he was gentle, kind and showing me love. I didn't have children with him but I have little ones of my own so it ended for the best.

I've had some lovely people talk me through things. One lady told me that he makes his choices and others suffer but it is and always will be his choice. I've been told if he tries it again or if drinks again I must never ever blame myself. It's his choice. That's the only fact there is. It's his choice.

You love him and I understand that. But the only person you are responsible for the happiness of is your child. You yourself perhaps need some sort of therapy and support. Because you've really been through it. You need to get to a place (with lots of support) so you can concentrate on yourself and your son again. You deserve to be happy.

I don't have much advice. But I sympathise. It's very much about realising you can't fix him. Save him. Change it or control it. It's hard. These sorts of people put so much pain and sadness on those that love them. It's so exhausting. Good luck x

I feel very guilty - I feel guilty that we are separated
No, please don't. You have done what you can. You need to look after both your child and yourself.

A friend of mine spent 20 years trying to cope with her husband's MH issues, and his verbal abuse of her that came from them, within the marriage. She has finally left him and is so much happier for it.

Sending you hugs and positive vibes OP.
What an amazing brave person and wonderful mother you are.

Dont Harbour feelings of guilt. You've helped your partner as much as you can - and your priority should be you and your son.

You are doing and have done the right things.

I say that as someone who's been in the shoes of your H. Not quite the same as I didn't do the scary shouting bit but I was determined to die.

When someone is v determined, they don't take the help because it gets in the way of the part in their brain telling them to do this to themselves. It takes over your mind totally and utterly.

They aren't able to think straight. Everything is skewed and every thought is about escape. I have been there... didn't mean I didnt care about my kids, I absolutely did but I wanted to die more... the need to end life takes hold, nothing gets in the way.

You keep looking after you and your child. You are amazing for coping with this. Nothing you can do will change the course except his actions and professional help stepping in.

Hand hold

I don't have any advice but I do want to reassure you that you have done the right thing.

I went through something similar (DP had severe drug addiction) and I did my best to help. But ultimately realised I couldn't do anything until he was willing to accept the help, which wasn't going to happen until he'd hit rock bottom.

I left. DC was not even 2 months. But I needed to look after myself so I could take care of DC. It was hard but I had to accept this was not my fight.

You have done the right thing. Your child comes first, and right now they won't understand what is happening to daddy. That's why you have to protect them.

Your DP has to figure this out for himself. That won't happen until he is ready. Which won't happen until he hits absolute rock bottom.

It's horrible. But it has to happen and it has to come from him.

Take the time away from him to care for yourself and your child.

I hope your DP finds the strength to see this through

Thank god you are putting your child first. If your husband gets well, he will thank you too.

I feel for you so much. My husband had severe NH problems including psychosis and delusions of telepathy, and I'm afraid he did eventually take his own life. It was only because of some desperate phone calls that I prevented ds coming home and being the one to find him. Please prioritise your own health. Let your ds talk about missing his dad a much as he likes and talk about the good memories but know for sure that trusting your gut as a mother is the right thing to do

Please don't beat yourself up, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. It sounds like it's been an incredibly difficult time for you and you've tried everything you could.
As his nurses said, he has to engage with them somewhat in order to make changes. You can't fix him sadly.
You're doing all the right things for your son, and I agree with other posters, you sound so brave.
I hope you are looking after yourself, you are important!

So sorry OP

From your description of your husband's behaviour, there must be a much deeper underlying mental health issue e.g. schizophrenia or bipolar, where suicidal attempts are just one manifestation.

None of this is your fault

Wow, you have been through so much and have totally done the right thing with every step you've taken.

Such a strong lady, I don't know how you've done it.
I really hope your husband gets the help he needs but you can't be responsible to fix him on your own, he needs professional help.

Do you wonder why this behaviour was triggered in 2018? was he ok before this or did he show signs of mental health problems before.

It must be heartbreaking for you.

You can't save him from himself. No matter how hard you fight for him, it won't make a difference if he's not willing to fight for himself. Your DS needs protecting, he needs to be out of that environment. As heartbreaking as it is, you're doing the right thing.

Sending you a big hug. This isn't something you should feel guilty about. You did what was best for you and your child. As the doctors said he won't get better unless he wants to. There is nothing that you can do for him aside from what you've already done. He has all he needs he just needs to want it.

Sounds so hard. You're doing brilliantly

Do not feel guilty. You were protecting your child and yourself from your husband who is having a serious mental health crisis, while it's not his fault you also cannot be expected to stay loving with an impulsive, unwell man who is frightening and abusive.

You've done perfectly. Suggested help, tried to access it for him, providing access to your child and staying healthy to raise your son.

You can only help them so much until they help themselves.

You sound lovely and I think you have done exactly the right thing. Your child needs a safe and stable environment and that is rightly your priority.

Does your DH have a diagnosis?

You are not responsible for your husband's mental health.
You are being a responsible mother and have taken your child away from a damaging environment.
You need to look after your own health for your child's sake
There are many many professionals who can support your husband - it is not your job

Just keep telling yourself these things - it won't make everything miraculously better - but you need to keep reminding yourself that your decisions are sound and you are not a bad person. Far from it