Is he tight or aibu?

[Hamster555]

Went out with my Dp & LGirl at the wknd, saw a Joe Wicks recipe book, looked great barely treat myself, tbh it was for us all to use and he said straight away are u sure U want to get that I was like omg first what has it got to do with him, and he said u can prob get it online cheaper...anyway i said it's prob a reasonable price as couldn't see the tag. Anyway he ended up holding the bk as I was with my daughter and as we were distracted he hid it on a shelf! I didn't say anything until we left that section and he didn't say anything and I said were you going to tell me u hid that book & he said it'll be half the price online. Slightly petty but I just think it wasn't his choice to make! He also earns 60k and I earn 20k is it just me also or is that tight? Same place wknd prior he was fretting over buying dd a bunny as it was £15 she fell in love with it and I just thought really.

It's sounds like you have opposing morals, ethics and attitudes towards money - I'm not sure how compatible you really are.

I think trying to dictate how you spend your money (as that is how you handle your finances) is completely out of order!

It all sounds exhausting OP. Does he tend to suck the joy out of everything?

@QuentinBunbury

Yes that's right, I wanted it because I use one of his others and I use a lot of the recipes but I've used it to death, i only have a couple that i use a lot and had been meaning to get a new one for ages it looked very good so it would have been used. And your very right! It's more control than being tight! He decided what would happen with it, he hid it, I couldn't believe it when I saw it I thought wth! I wouldn't dream of doing that to him and this is the diff or point I'm trying to get to I wouldn't dream of it even if I earned a lot more than he did!

@Naunet Thank you! No I haven't but I bloody should, shouldn't i, thank you you're right

@RandomMess

Tbh this is the thing i think I'm realising I've prob been putting up with things I shouldn't have been or that many others wouldn't! He always likes to have the sort of majority say on all we do, like a day out to the beach was shall we take her to formby, I was likely this child is high energy she will Honestly be bored she'd prefer Blackpool! He said it's a shot hole I said it's fun stop being boring and so we ended up going to Southport but fact is we are really
The opposite! My daughter wanted to go the rollercoasters mostly too, she took one look at the Beach turned around and ran towards the pleasure beach fair thing

See he's the self appointed boss rather than you being equal partners?

@wewereliars I feel like he does, like everything feels so hard and he always looks so bloody miserable, when I first took him to a local city park he looked so mis to be there, I took a good look around and there were 2 other dads in the same play area. One had 2 kids and he was grinning ear to ear the other just was doing general care work the mother biut didn't look like my partner did! I said what the hell is up with you he said there are loads of mums here and I said load of crap there are other dads here and the ones that aren't some may wish they were but are sadly stuck at work! He always try's to get out of the parks quickly too 🥺 I take her mostly on my own it's less stressful it shouldn't be like this though should it!! 😔

@RandomMess yes I think this is what's happened, before our LG arrived I saw bits of it but I don't know what's happened I see things all the time now! Why didn't I see it before! He's very good at being responsible I don't want to brow beat him but he def has some bits I am not sure about too. Like he doesn't drink or gamble etc He works hard and says he wants to spend time with us but he also then sort of never seems to look happy when we are out! I'm finding him embarrassing to be lot with as I've also realised how anti social he is too, like he hates small talk and it makes me cringe when people are trying to Allen an effort to be polite abs he will not make an effort it's a bit rude

How long are you together?

@nimbuscloud about 12 yrs now, It's just like the book thing and this tightness with the bunny. He decided to take a new job recently and I wondered if it was that but he chose to turn down a break role as his was becoming redundant, it was the job just remotely managing another area, he wanted a change and he hasn't take a pay cut apparently. Maybe he's not enjoying his new job atm but says he is, but I still think even if he had his prior job he'd have done the same then, he thought I think,
This is cheaper online it's going bk but it was my decision or he should have said your being loopy I'll find it you cheaper rather than just sneakily hiding it, was sly

He sounds hard work. The hiding the book thing is about control. We have all had a hellish year and to want a book that you will enjoy even if you do spend a little more than online is hardly extravagant.

I love book stores. I love browsing and then buying and having my evening planned around the book (early evening shower, something quick to put in the oven from M&S or a takeaway). I bet you had thought of all the things you could plan and make!

As for the bunny. I've bought my DS and Godson treats like that on a whim. I couldn't be with a man who told me what I could and couldn't spend my money on.

Plenty of Dads are really engaged in our parks. My own DF used to take me to parks. He probably found it boring, so it's all about what he wants.

He sounds absolutely joyless.

You need to make it clear that you are not putting up with this BS, and see what he does.
Quite honestly though, it sounds alarm bells for me as my ex could be like this, and it only got worse over time. Is he controlling and a buzzkill in other areas ? If he is you may want to have a long think about whether you want that to be your life.

OP wanted to spend £25 of her own money that she could afford on joyful things for her and her daughter. Hardly irresponsible.

@user1471538283 exactly
It was a small purchase as books usually are and it's so rare I even buy a book and it's not like I was eyeing up a an expensive item of clothing or jewellery which I can't afford id understand then!

I think since I've had my daughter I've realised how much ive missed out on my rather insular prior life without her in it and I think he's realised he preferred his old life!

@wewereliars

I can only give some Examples, like I'll say in advance it'll be great when the weather warms up we can have a few people round for a bbq now we've got some more parent friends but he will say oh I was thinking we could go bike riding again! I'm
Like we did that so often, I think he's anti social, he had a lot of friends when I first met him but they drifted apart, we made some friends with a couple near us but he never really engaged much again I was like this is just not me, he seems so happy to just be us or tbh on his own. Prior to my daughter I was always busy working or at one or two friends on the wknd or parents or decorating our new homes so I just never noticed it!

People on an 80k income saying they think buying a £15 toy is impulsive / something not to do? Really?! Jesus! OP, I think he's being tight from what you've said. If you were always buying things impulsively and he was stressed about money, then fine, but it doesn't seem like that's the case.

So hard def not sure what's happening here on the whole, so difficult

@ErickBroch no he's def not stressed about money, he's never worried about it this is what annoyed me as I do but I thought if I earned that much I wouldn't even worry about it, so why and more to point the fact if I'd agreed poor daughter Would have left in tears and shes hardly
Been anywhere in fact it's the only places we've been except local parks as everywhere's been shut, his Idea of her having a lot of stuff I think but she just has a normal amount of things, shes def not spoiled x

I think you need to have an adult conversation about this. Point out that you spending your own money is not his business. His input is unwanted and in future you will be ignoring it. Jeez, that behaviour would do my nut in.

I don't know him OP obviously and am biased due to my own experiences but be careful that he doesn't shrink your life down to a joyless shell.

Even during lockdown, I found an online company called Hive which support local bookshops.

@wewereliars

I don't know him OP obviously and am biased due to my own experiences but be careful that he doesn't shrink your life down to a joyless shell.

This.

OP did you tell him you saw him hide the book? I can't think how he could possibly explain that without sounding like a complete and utter arsehole.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes I said we're U going to tell me you hid that book? He said he was doing me a favour it was prob a rip off price and I said that wasn't for him to decide, he doesn't usually say anything back if he's wrong but I should have said it's my decision u wouldn't like it if I made decisions for you so next time butt out thank you

I'd have gone and got the book from the hiding place and bloody bought it there and then. I might also have put another book in the pile too.

Dear OP, I do not know you or your husband enough to judge either one of you, but from what you did tell me this is not good. This reminds me of my husband a lot. He was like that, always putting his foot down with every purchase no matter how big or small. I could never have anything unless he wanted it too. I also worked my whole life although for a while was earning less them him. Fast forward 26 years later, I just about had enough of it. I lived half of my life and I realized that there is so much that I wanted to do, see, create and I did not because of him and his stinginess and control. I am leaving him now and cannot wait to be free to do with my money what I please.

Now you take from my post whatever you want dear OP, but one thing is for sure, your DH does not have a right to tell you what you can and cannot buy to you or your child. Sure you should talk about your overall financial goals and plans but day to day... you should be able to buy a book or a plush toy if you feel like it.