Should I report him to the department?

[Redandpink]

I have a brother living at home with my mom. He's an adult now and he's nearly 30 in age.

I can remember him being a hard worker in his teens. He's completely different now. He had a factory job a few years ago and he wasn't able for it. Himself and his mates they were bad for each other. Drinking and possibly drugs. He kept missing days at work, nearly every week missing the Mondays and the Tuesdays due to coming down from his weekends. Eventually he walked out from his job choosing a life of benefits instead of trying to make something of himself. He had such a poor attitude in recent years. He's lazy, rude, arrogant and obnoxious. He doesn't contribute to my mom's household. Either with money or chores. I can't figure out if it's depression or drugs with him or a mix of both. The grass is currently and the job needs to be done to cut the grass but he won't cut it. My mom won't ask him to cut the grass in cases it upsets him or angers him and he's more than happy to lay in bed all day every day. My mom is denying the true extent of his condition. What can be done if anything? The man is a dead beat and he is a user using mom to live a free life while he gives little back in return. Should I be reporting him to the benefits section because I know for a fact he is not looking for work. The benefits department is probably the only place that will get that man into gear and shape him into some sort of a real life.

I can’t see how that would help your mum?

Also my mom won't get a gardener in case it upsets my brother because he is the man of the house. That is her words. I think it's ridiculous.

Mom doesn't want to be helped. She loves her son the way he is.

OP don't report him, just leave it. It's your mum's house and he sounds abusive. Saying that she can't ask him to do anything in case it angers him, is a sign of abuse. He'll just kick off. She needs to kick him out but until then, I'd let him get on with it. Invite your mum to yours and avoid him.

It sounds like she's brought him up to be spoiled and entitled and she's made a rod for her own back. I bet as a girl, you didn't get the opportunity to lounge around all day and had to help out.

There's nothing you can do so don't waste your time and energy worrying about it. It's in your mum's hands.

O, thanks, I won't report him and I will leave it be. My thoughts were in some what of a good place. I was hoping the benefits department would sort him out with work.

I am a few years older than my brother who's a bum. I had a different upbringing helping around the home and even today my mom comes to me to help her with the bills. I find it struggle to be honest. I'm trying to make a go of my own life and I don't have a rich income. I am low pay myself and its not my responsibility to provide for another man.

I have a brother living abroad. We are similar ages so we were brought up the same. We were both hard working from young ages. He would be disgusted to know what's happening at home. He has blinkers on. Its been a decade since he was home and he doesn't know what's happening at home. Should I take a picture of the grass at home and send it onto him so he knows the house isn't getting maintained.

I think it's a really good idea to inform your older brother of what's going on. I wouldn't bother with the picture, but would tell him that your mother is being taken advantage of and is walking on eggshells around your brother. Tell him that he gets aggressive when he's challenged.

You sound really, lovely and she's lucky to have you.

I could tolerate him jot contributing financially if he was to contribute in other ways. He does help sometimes. For example during the wintertime he might change a bulb if it blows. If it was summer time mom would be using the natural daylight for light completely forgetting about the middle of the night and darkness. He does the bare minimum of helping mom. What's annoying me now is that he is unemployed and has all the free time in the world. He never cut the grass last year. He never got sick with covid by the way so he wasn't sick or ill in any part of the year. He waited for the winter for the grass to die down. We had some lovely spring time weather over the month of April. I remember the Easter weekend. The weather was lovely. It wasn't too hot and it was just right. Still, he couldnt manage to get out of bed and cut some grass. The place looks awful. Like a jungle. I hate this because it's clear he is a user and a dead beat. Living at home is convenient because it's free for him but he won't help or contribute. The man is a scumbag.

He ws able to get up early one Saturday morning a few weeks ago to help one of his friends build a wall. Turns out a group of his mates all helped another friend build a wall. They probably did this for no money or payment but just to help a friend. Then he turns around and he can't ge tout of bed to help his mother. If the job is too much for him he could get his friends to help like they all helped each other before.

It's not your say what happens in your mother’s house. It may be that she enjoys having someone live with her and prefers that to living alone. It may be that providing a home for him gives her a purpose she feels she may not have otherwise. You do not know the full details of either of their minds or needs.

Besides, I would assume the situation may cause bigger problems than the grass remaining uncut. If it bothers you so much, why not send a gardener or cut it yourself.

Getting therapy or other forms of support for your brother would have a more useful result than reporting him to a department, which may further burden your mother if she is your true concern.

If this was me living with my mom every second reply would tell me to move out but because my brother is a male that's OK. The man is using her and will not contribute. His room stinks and smells of something very bad - drugs. And that's OK to use our mother.

I suggested a gardener but my mother doesn't want one in case it upsets the man of the house.

My mother is enabling him to be a useless deadbeat. He needs to get his act together and sort himself out and the only thing I can think of that will sort him out is the benefits department. They will surely call him in for a meeting and see why he is still unemployed and sort him out. He's sleeping right around the clock. I suggested for him to go to the doctor before to get the over sleeping checked out but he won't go.

It’s not you though, is it? And your question isn’t about him moving out, because you can’t make him and your mum doesn’t want him to!

He sounds a like a lazy waster. If it makes you feel better - here’s my personal blessing to report him. I don’t think it’ll help but go ahead if it’ll make you feel better.

Why do you thing your mother is not as angry about this as you are, even though she’s the one having to live with it?

It's none of your business really is it? Leave them to it. If you report then your mum will be in worse financial situation as you know he will just demand more money from her.

In the future don't help your mum with the bills. It's tough but you are enabling both of them by getting involved

Your mother needs to be the one to stand up to him and kick him out.

What you can do is stop enabling your mother. Stop helping her with money because by helping her you are helping her keep him in the house without contributing. If you have been helping regularly, I wouldn’t cut her off without notice. I would sit her down and explain that the assistance has to end because you can’t help him take advantage of her anymore. You will support her when she is ready to stand up to him. That can mean insisting he pay rent and buy his own food or that she make him pack his bags and leave.

It's 3.30 pm in the afternoon. He's still in bed.

I mentioned to him before that he should go to the doctor to get the over sleeping checked out and he never listened to me or considered. There's no excuse in the world for this. He should be trying to make something of himself instead of sleeping around the clock. Another lovely day where the grass could get cut but he doesn't care.

I made the decision last night to report him because there's no one else to put gears under him. I know it's not the right way to go about things but I am hoping the department will put him out to work.

Why did you report him? There may be things you don't know. He probably suffers from depression. Maybe your Mother is dependent on him in other ways.

This is between them. Keep your nose out.

You really need to get a life, @Redandpink.

Do you have enough going on in your own life as far as happiness and contentment? You may then not have the time or inclination to obsess and spread misery about like this, let alone visit it on your own mother.

You may find the department disappoints you, they do not have God-like powers.

He's been claiming unemployment assistance for years. Actively looking for work is a condition for the payment and he's not looking for work. He's too lazy getting drugged out in his room to ever go out the door to work again. Between himself and our mother he's more than happy to keep claiming the unemployed assistance and keep it as pocket money.

I'm wondering how old your mother is, is she in poor health, does she work? Yes she's allowing this, and he should contribute, but failing that, is she not physically able to cut the grass?
It sounds like your mother has been all too happy to slip into the mysogynistic rules of yore, where the man rules the roost by default. Tbh it sounds absurd that a gardener isn't arranged on the basis that it might upset her DS. Has she actually tried asking? Would you be able to mention it to him and see how he reacts to your reasonable suggestion?
I think you've now opened a can of worms reporting him and it could well backfire. If he's an addict, he will just get money by other means - likely stealing from your Mum to start, or selling off any valuables in the house, face insurance claims etc. It's not going to make him turn his life around, and if he gets wind of you shopping him, then that's likely your relationship with your mum up the creek.
Without rehab, and the will to change, less money means more crime, did you consider this?

'false' insurance claims

Hey will also likely put the squeeze on your mum to pass some inheritance on while she's alive - all to avoid tax of course, not to fund his habit.

Why bother posting when you don't listen? He is obviously doing something that you do not know of, otherwise his benefits would have got off a while ago. But let's assume department decides to investigate and they decide that he indeed hadn't been looking for work, effe to Ely copmmiting work. How do you think this play out? His benefit will get cut off. Possibly will be ordered to pay back money, in which case either ur mother will give him the money or it will be taken off future benefit entitlement or work earnings. So even if he gets a job he will be considerably worse off, but let's be honest unlikely he will actually bother to get a job. Your mother now has to cover all of his expenses and she will come to you even more often for financial aid.

Congratulationtou have screwed everyone over.
Is he the golden child despite being useless which makes you resentful and jealous? Cause that's how u come acroas

If you're giving your mum money then you too are enabling your db's behaviour.
Tell your dm if she needs financial help then she needs to ask her ds.