Boyfriend and I got tipsy together for first time ...

[commoneileen]

And I would appreciate your thoughts..
We are together 9 months , mid forties , mad about each other , a few weekends and a week holiday booked for summer ( just for context)
Our history is that I am separated two years and he is my first relationship . His is that he broke up with his partner of six years two years ago.
We have bubbles through lockdown. It has been a great relationship to date. We are very happy, compatible in every way and a great sex life .
We got tipsy at the weekend and I'm trying to figure out my feelings .
We had great fun with friends and went to bed . He has told me previously that he gets very horny after drinking beer. No problem here!
But wow... he is a man of his word . He was horny all through the night and was very touchy feely. I loved it as it was quite rough but in a pleasurable way .
As the night went on into morning, I was getting tired but he couldn't have enough .
I stopped it, he was fine with that and we rolled over and went to sleep .
I'm not sure why I'm even on here . I think I just want to know if any of you have had this experience . He was still Merry when we got up.
He doesn't really drink alcohol and we had never been out socialising before .
I wasn't uncomfortable with it.. I loved the rough play but it was so out of character .
My marriage was essentially sexless and coercive when I felt I had to be intimate . I am absolutely thrilled to be in such a great and sexually fulfilling relationship , finally.
Help me unpick , please ?

Thanks for sharing that with us.

I mean if you enjoyed it and he stopped when you said no more then it's fine, enjoy it. So long as you know he will always stop on your say so then I don't see an issue.

Thanks @CorianderBee .
I expect that I have not been used to firstly drinking alcohol with him and secondly a normal sexual Relationship for 20+ years.
Sometimes I over analyse and am possibly
Afraid of sexual coercion again.
It was a horrible time of my life but yes he is very respectful and we both have sexual boundaries in our likes and dislikes and they was watertight .
@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe . No need for the sarcasm .needless and unhelpful.

*are

To be honest it is hard to see what you are asking? What was it that worried you about this situation?

I don't think this is unusual tbh.

Alcohol lowers the inhibitions so people loosen up and can act differently.

As long as you are comfortable with it and you trust him then enjoy it!

I don't know what I'm asking .
I'm sorry . It's all so new to me .
He is a gentle relaxed person and is the same when we are intimate .
He was rough and incessant. He is not the person I knew up until this .
I loved it yes but it feels weird . It's like two different men .

The only flag here is if he was that incessant in a few years when perhaps the novelty had worn off of 'incessant rough' drunken sex.
If he was out with friends and came back to you sober and very tired. Could he control himself if you said 'not tonight thanks'

It sounds like it's made you uneasy tbh.

Maybe talk to him about it, you might not want a shagathon everytime he has a few glasses of wine. If he is "incessant" about getting it and already warned you beforehand that he "gets horny" i'd be concerned what would happen if you said no.

I'd trust your gut on this...

Maybe that's what I fear. Maybe it triggered something in me as me exh would also keep touching me or groping me despite telling him to stop.
My boyfriend is gentle , kind and I have a slightly higher drive than him . I was delighted but was unsettled .
We did not really drink alcohol through lockdown and
Didnt socialise so normally in a new relationship we would have crossed this
Bridge much earlier on.
Maybe it's normal in most relationships but I haven't had a normal one since my twenties up to now.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Thanks for sharing that with us.

You managed to miss every single clue as to why op is posting here, congratulations.

Maybe relationship advice forums are not your forte.

Yes @EvilOnion uneasy is exactly what it made me .
I am still quite shaken from my marriage in that I jump anytime someone I like or love
Comes up to me unannounced and hugs me or touched me from behind.

Sounds good to me! Crack on?

I think I'd also be unsettled, esp.with a background of sexual coercion, if my previously kind, gentle, easygoing bf was sexually incessant and rougher than usual after alcohol ... Even if the roughness was relatively enjoyable.

It's noteworthy that you weren't scared or uncomfortable by the relative roughness and very noteworthy that he stopped when you indicated you were no longer up for it.

So I'd say proceed with caution.

(Incidentally not many people would be up for all night sex when tipsy/drunk. Esp past their twenties).

Anything you feel is valid, there is no right way to feel. Own and trust your gut instincts and how things make you feel. If him being rough and incessant or coming up behind and touching you or groping you ("being touchy feely") makes you feel uncomfortable then ask him to stop. Respect your feelings and honour them.

@commoneileen

Yes *@EvilOnion* uneasy is exactly what it made me . I am still quite shaken from my marriage in that I jump anytime someone I like or love Comes up to me unannounced and hugs me or touched me from behind.

OP it sounds as though you are suffering from trauma and you found the sexual activity triggering. What you're describing above sounds like PTSD. I would seek out therapy for it and speak to your new partner about it. It sounds as though it felt as though the situation was out of your control and was triggering you and creating anxiety.

You can try BACP for a therapist or contact the The Survivors Trust in order to find someone suitable in your area.

As you start a new relationship sexually there is always going to be a honeymoon period and this is what is probably happening.
I think that you should have a chat and explain to him that whilst you enjoyed having sex could he less rough and not all night please.

The other side of the coin could be that he was simply turned on by on that he could not stop.

Good luck OP

I think as long as you're confident to say when you've had enough or something is getting a little too rough for your liking and he is immediately on board with that and takes it down a notch / stops - whatever you want him to do, then you've got no issues at all, crack on and enjoy yourselves.

Talk to him. Be natural. It will become obvious if there's a problem with more talk and experience. So far it basically sounds fun but I would explore verbally why he was more rough when drunk/tipsy.

Why are you being so nice about it obviously did bother you or you wouldn't be posting.
Sounds like he wasn't giving you much of a choice of what you liked.

Well the op said she enjoyed it and he stopped the second she asked him to.

I don't see any red flags op. Enjoy your relationship :)

It can be frightening when alcohol seems to turn your partner into someone you don’t know 💐

I posted here a couple of years ago about a similar thing. My relatively low sex drive, gentle and romantic dp would come home from being out with others and turn into a groping leering beast as I sat minding my own business crocheting on the sofa. 😅

It made me scared, triggered and angry. I can imagine your question today is brought about by wondering what might happen next.

In the end I sat him down and described exactly what he had been like and which parts were unacceptable. I essentially said, either you learn to control yourself even while drunk or you avoid getting that drunk. Never happened again x

IME that sort of sexual behaviour goes hand in hand with cocaine or amphetamine use whilst drinking. Coke makes you very horny. Drinking alcohol is not usually conducive to all night sex sessions without the use of coke, viagra, speed

If he was still feeling the effects enough to be merry in the morning. I think he was more than tipsy.