Husband shouting at dd 16 months

[Trophy123]

Dd not sleeping great. He just went up to settle her and she started screaming in her cot at which point he started saying 'lie down please' in a firm tone. She got more abd more upset and started thirsting herself forwards kn her hands and knees and banged her head on the top of her cot. He shouted that was STUPID. STUPID! At which point I went and took her as camf stand him speaking to our children like that. Did I over react?

He's totally ruined doing bed time with dd3 who he shouted at so much at bed time that she kicks off if he's alone with her in her room at bedtime because she's so scared. I grew up in a house with so kuchen shouting and an alcoholic father who had a horrible temper so I am really sensitive to this sort of thing. Just can't stand the idea of my beautiful girls growing up with their dad speaking to them like this.

Seriously considering ending our marriage over his crap parenting.

I wouldn't stand for that either.

The fact your other child is scared to be alone in a room with him is alarming.

No, I don't think you're overreacting, at all. Your kids are scared of him. You need to protect them. If it were my DH, he'd be packing his bags.

I know I need to leave him and get my children away from his temper. I don't know how to do it. I've no family close by. DM is 4 hours away and I'm a teacher here so can't just leave. He has family but there's no way he'd go to stay with them. He's very hung up on keeping up appearances.

Do men like this ever change?

Seriously that's not good,!! I'm not saying he would but he could take it to the next level ie shaking, or worse he needs to calm it down suggest he temporarily leave

I’m so sorry you are in this situation.
I think men like this very seldom change. Do his family ever see any of this behaviour?
Would any of them back you up?

Imagine if a parent of one of your class disclosed to you a similar scenario. What would you advise them to do? Where could they find support?

No one else sees this side of him. Everyone thinks he's very calm and patient so much so that at babybshower for oldest dd every said for her to inherit his patience. He's totally the opposite with us but very different to everyone else. His family is very fractured but he is golden boy. I've got the impression his own dad was like this and he is parenting the way he was parented as he knows no other way.

I've not slept and worried about tomorrow. Got to get up for work in 4 hours.

Something that puts me off leaving is having to leave him to do bed time with both girls by himself, when he will shout and scream at them as much as he likes and I won't be there to protect them.

He sounds like an idiot.

After 3 kids you'd have thought he'd have worked out shouting at a toddler isn't going to comfort them.

Can you afford to rent somewhere? You could take emergency parental leave and spend the time sorting somewhere to live. Is that an option?

@Trophy123

Something that puts me off leaving is having to leave him to do bed time with both girls by himself, when he will shout and scream at them as much as he likes and I won't be there to protect them.

Could you record him? You could show how he is not suited to having them alone overnight. Is that even allowed?

Yet you chose him as the father of three human beings??

Thank you so much for your replies through the night. I can't sleep and got my baby lying with me. Husband in the spare room. Keep refreshing mumsnet as my mind is spinning.

Don't know what to do in the morning. Still not slept. FIL will come over at 7:30 to watch the baby while we are working but not sure I'll be in. Do I tell him not to come? What do I say to my head teacher?

Not sure I'll be in work *

Tough it out for tomorrow and try to get some sleep. Put mumsnet down for now.

Would your DH be open to learning about Non Violent Communication (NVC ) ? My DH did a course when he was arguing loads with our teen DS. It really helped him learn how to communicate effectively and massively improved their relationship. Maybe if he recognized it's a dealbreaker for your mariage he might put the effort in? I think most towns probably have an NVC group he could join or there's online courses too.

Leave for work as usual. Then call in sick to your school and spend the day checking on places to live, making appt with a solicitor, filing for any available benefits, opening a separate bank account, etc. You should have some free nursery hours. Start interviewing for a child minder. It should be cheaper to get one adult to watch three children than three children in a paid nursery.

Shouting, Belittling, Name Calling

Did you overreact? Absolutely not! This monster is terrorizing your two innocent babies. They are being taught to fear and mistrust their world. This will have far-reaching ramifications for their emotional health and well-being, as well as their future choices and relationships. Your toddler has already been so damaged that this pig’s presence in her room terrifies her. The pattern is repeating with poor baby DD.

OP, I assume that he is coercive and abusive with you as well. You had an unstable childhood, and now so do your children. You’ve previously commented that your DD’s have a lovely home and plenty of outdoor space, but that actually means nothing if they are being mistreated and live in perpetual fear.

You have agency here. You must figure out a way to protect your daughters by leaving this brute. Can you access counseling and a solicitor to plan an exit strategy? Perhaps you could petition for the children to have only supervised daytime contact with him, if at all. I’m not in the UK, so am not familiar with the safeguarding services or legal procedures.

There would be a suitcase and him outside the front door if a man spoke to my kids like that. She may be teething... he is a bully to a baby

You have a profession... teacher.. even teachers marry monsters. We have a monster in our relatives family. He was a nice lad until he went to the gym and started injecting testosterone. He has attacked everyone one of us in the family. I am not scared of him, and I dont walk on eggshells around him. Basically, I never see him anymore, but ss do.

It might be that he is shouting for your benefit (look how stressed and angry I am) but doesn't so much on his own - shouting at the small DCs will make them cry more so why would he do it. You could get a secret camera, recordings of him being angry might be useful if you divorce or might reassure you if he isnt shouting when on his own. You could check with the solicitor about legality of doing this.

Fuck that! Bedtimes with babies and children are stressful but his behaviour is abusive to them. If DH or I get stressed during bedtimes, we ask the other one to help and leave the situation. Neither of us would ever shout like your husband does.

I’m also a teacher so know it’s not easy to just call and say you won’t be in but do you have someone who you could speak to about this?

If one of your pupils in the morning reported that their father screamed so much at them at bed time that they were afraid to be alone in their bedroom with him , what would you do?

If DH shouted at our 17m old once, I'd be removing him from the situation and making it clear he would be going on a parenting course and on a final warning.

If it happened a second time? Well, we'd be separating and I'd be doing whatever I could to ensure that on his time with our child he wasn't ever left alone.

I hear your worry that if you split he'll be alone with them, but be staying with him you're already ensuring that he's with them and abusing them regularly anyway.

There's no excuse, it's absolutely terrifying for a toddler or baby or small child to be shouted or screamed at by anyone, especially a parent, it's incredibly confusing for them to have this person who's supposed to love and protect them, the person that provides for their needs and comforts them when they're scared, who literally keeps them alive by feeding them, to turn on them and direct rage and aggression on them. They're left terrified, insecure, and unsure if they can rely on or trust anyone. And if they realise that the other parent allows it to happen then in their eyes they're complicit and they may as well be alone in the world fending for themselves.

There is no excuse. Damage may already have been done to your child but it's down to you whether you allow it to continue or whether you do everything in your power to protect them so they can heal and hopefully not be terrible affected as they grow older.

You just don't do this. They're fucking tiny. They are defenceless. They are learning all the time. Ask yourself if he would scream at a big burly bloke twice his size. No, he wouldn't, because he can control himself and would be scared of being assaulted back. He chooses to do this to tiny children because they can't do a thing in return.

Absolute monster.

^PerveenMistry

Yet you chose him as the father of three human beings??^

Feel better after that, do you ?

As others have said, of course you've not overreacted and if the marriage is over then calling on time on it is the right thing to do.

You don't mention if his anger/frustration issues manifest in any other ways, or comment on the rest of your relationship with him, so in the absence of further information and considering the partnership of marriage...Could it be that he's also aware of his behaviour and doesn't like it?

I just wonder if he could be encouraged to seek help with a) his anger issues and b) his parenting style.

If this saves your marriage then that would be great, regardless, as their father it will help his relationship with your children because he'll still be part of their lives in the event of a split.

I'd suggest raising it with him in a calm and persuasive way, while trying to not come across (too) judgemental.
It's fair to explain that the issue is a marriage-breaker for you. But, assuming your family home is otherwise untroubled by his behaviour, I think its only right to give him the chance to change his behaviour and support him to do so.

Of course, this must come with alterations in routine etc that protect your children from being scared (eg he doesn't do bedtime alone). And it goes without saying that if this is a much bigger problem than you've described, of abuse etc, then what I've suggested isn't relevant.

Would perhaps also look at programmes like Three Day Nanny and Super Nanny. This is not an issue unique to you and doesn't necessarily warrant the breaking up of your marriage, some people do need help and new perspectives with parenting. He may already be well aware of his behaviour and be deeply ashamed- or will be once he realises how bad his behaviour is.

Naturally, if you fear for the safety of your children and self you need to prioritise this over your marriage.