Husband shouting at dd 16 months

[Trophy123]

Dd not sleeping great. He just went up to settle her and she started screaming in her cot at which point he started saying 'lie down please' in a firm tone. She got more abd more upset and started thirsting herself forwards kn her hands and knees and banged her head on the top of her cot. He shouted that was STUPID. STUPID! At which point I went and took her as camf stand him speaking to our children like that. Did I over react?

He's totally ruined doing bed time with dd3 who he shouted at so much at bed time that she kicks off if he's alone with her in her room at bedtime because she's so scared. I grew up in a house with so kuchen shouting and an alcoholic father who had a horrible temper so I am really sensitive to this sort of thing. Just can't stand the idea of my beautiful girls growing up with their dad speaking to them like this.

Seriously considering ending our marriage over his crap parenting.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control.

AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is what the OP is describing.

He has a problem with anger, OPs anger, when she rightly calls him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Image is all important to abusive men so I would think it a given that he does not (and indeed does not) behave similarly to others in the outside world.

Trophy

You yourself grew up with an alcoholic parent so your own boundaries, already weakened by seeing parental alcoholism, are being further mashed by your H now. Your children absolutely cannot afford to grow up thinking their dad's behaviour towards them and in turn you is at all normal. I would also think you've let a lot of bad stuff from him directed at you slide further in a futile attempt to keep the peace.

I would also think your worries re him having them say 50% of the time are groundless and based on supposition rather than fact. Such men are not bothered with their kids full stop and start throwing words like "full custody" around merely as a stick to further beat you with.

Are you in the UK?. If you are there is a lot of support services you can access. You need to be brave and take that first, often the most difficult of steps out, yourself.

Trophy

Did you meet this man when you were very young and or in a bad place yourself?. Your home life certainly was not great and you perhaps also saw this man as a way out from all that. I assume much here in the above but if this is the case you sadly went from one abusive environment into yet another. This man targeted you deliberately as well.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Therefore your marriage is over.

I'd wait. Until the youngest is more verbal. I know that's not ideal at all for you but having been in this exact scenario I think it's making the best of a bad situation. I wanted to leave for the same reasons you did but was afraid to for the same reason you are - my children would have suffered and I wouldn't have been there to intervene, I couldn't do it to them.

When they're slightly older, they're more reasonable and bedtimes are smoother. Reduces the risk of shouting and may of these useless men become slightly less useless with older DC.

I know it's a huge sacrifice (and obviously if there's more to this/his behaviour escalates then leave and try to prevent overnights) but I honestly think for the sake of your DC it's unfortunately a sacrifice worth making.

It's shit

If DH shouted at our 17m old once, I'd be removing him from the situation and making it clear he would be going on a parenting course and on a final warning.If it happened a second time? Well, we'd be separating and I'd be doing whatever I could to ensure that on his time with our child he wasn't ever left alone.

We'd all love to take this action but unfortunately it's not based in reality. You CAN'T ensure that on his time he wouldn't be left alone with the child. Shouting twice at a toddler isn't enough to stop access/get supervised access. There would be literally nothing you could do about it.

Although you think your sensitive to his shouting, you are likely desensitized from growing up with it, otherwise you would of left after the stress he's put your DD3 under. Have you spoken calmly to him outside the situation? Would he accept that he's got a problem and be willing to sort it or else you will have to leave? If not, then do leave.
I'd be applying for teaching jobs near your family, the further you are from him, the better. Personally, couldn't stand for someone who behaves so poorly to his family but turns on the charm for others.

My dad used to do this to my half-brother (who's 10 now) - he stopped and is good with him now I think, but we officially don't speak partly because I've never gotten over seeing him that angry at a baby over nothing! It's awful to witness