MILs Behaviour

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

Hi all I am genuinely asking for help and strategies for coping with visits from my inlaws.

Every conversation we have turns round to be about their other son, what he was like at school, what he ate for lunch, what food he orders in, his child, his wife etc etc

I try to ask what was your other son (my husband) like at school, what was your other son like as a kid? But again the conversation goes back to fave son.

He is also a father and my two kids, who they have never shown much interest in, are being sidelined as well in favour of fave sons child. I am so sad about this as dont want my kids to feel second best

What would you do if you were literally bombarded about your BIL?

It hurts my husband too and we literally count how many times the bros name is mentioned. It was 42 times today in the 4 hour visit.

Please help :(

Coping strategies please

Just keep saying "oh really, how interesting" then change the subject every time. Are your 2 children her grandchildren? That wasn't clear in your post.

Honestly? I would tell them bluntly - not aggressively, but bluntly - exactly what they were doing and the effect it has on your family. That would be their one chance to change it. If they didn't change their behaviour, they wouldn't see us any more.

Life is too short to spend time around people who hurt you. They should be told they're hurting you and given a chance to stop. After that - nope. Particularly when it comes to children's self-esteem - nobody gets to make my children feel second-best.

You need a serious conversation. Is it that they want you to be closer to him so they’re banging on about him on a constant? My dm does this with me, tells me all about my db, who I’m in contact with far more often than she is! Drives me nuts. I told her some years ago that her telling me all his news was making me not need to contact him.

Lets pretend your BIL is called "Dave". Every single time they say something about "Dave" say "who?" and force them to repeat it. After about 6-8 times, they cotton on and shut up.

@SummerWhisper

Just keep saying "oh really, how interesting" then change the subject every time. Are your 2 children her grandchildren? That wasn't clear in your post.

Yes they are her first two grandchildren who she was mostly absent from. Once every 3/6 months babysat the first, cant remember her ever babysitting the second. She is planning on moving opposite her 3rd grandchild's school??

You could also say "do you speak about my husband and your first grandchildren this often when you're at 'Dave's' House? It's a wonder he let's you in. It's relentless. However if you don't and you just do this to us, then you either change the record from 'Dave' this and 'Dave' that, or don't bother coming back. It's disrespectful and neither of us will tolerate it from this point on."

My mother did this. It got to the stage where it became embarrassing as she did not even try to hide her favouritism of my siblings children over mine. No matter what subject we talked about regarding my children she always changed the conversation to anything about them, and in the end I stopped calling her.
On the few occasions we met up she showed dislike of my little ones openly in front of others, and the last time she did it I decided this was the last time she would ever see them.
This was the only way I could stop it from carrying on.

@Anordinarymum

My mother did this. It got to the stage where it became embarrassing as she did not even try to hide her favouritism of my siblings children over mine. No matter what subject we talked about regarding my children she always changed the conversation to anything about them, and in the end I stopped calling her. On the few occasions we met up she showed dislike of my little ones openly in front of others, and the last time she did it I decided this was the last time she would ever see them. This was the only way I could stop it from carrying on.

Oh god that's really harsh. Seriously how could she do that to her beautiful daughter & grand kids. It's definitely her problem, not yours. Not sure if I could feasibly do that as its my husbands mum. He won't say anything to her as doesn't want to upset her but is ok with being hurt continuously himself. It's like she's tormenting us on purpose. I also question if she bad gone insane. I literally can't cope with a repeat of this...without exploding as am period-menopausal 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Lets pretend your BIL is called "Dave". Every single time they say something about "Dave" say "who?" and force them to repeat it. After about 6-8 times, they cotton on and shut up.

OMG don't know if I could have the nerve to do this, she can be pretty scary, but would love to try it! 😘

@SummerWhisper

You could also say "do you speak about my husband and your first grandchildren this often when you're at 'Dave's' House? It's a wonder he let's you in. It's relentless. However if you don't and you just do this to us, then you either change the record from 'Dave' this and 'Dave' that, or don't bother coming back. It's disrespectful and neither of us will tolerate it from this point on."

This did cross my mind to say but I bottled it! Lol 🤦🏻‍♀️

How old are your children? Are they old enough to notice the favouritism?

@ineedaholidaynow

How old are your children? Are they old enough to notice the favouritism?

12 and 15. They've accepted it til recently and now they say "oh no its Nana Z, we'll hear all about Cousin N" which upsets me as I haven't managed to stop it to this point👈

Oh this sounds tough.
So what happens in the following scenario:
You: What was DH like at school?
MIL: Well BIL was xxx
You: I see, and what was DH like?

Does she just ignore you and keep talking about BIL or changes the subject entirely?
What would happen if you just repeatedly kept going back to 'and what was DH like at school?' And if she ignores you, interrupt her and go 'sorry MIL, are you hearing me okay? I asked about (DH) not (BIL)' - what do you think would happen?

OP I was always a good daughter but my mother had four of us and there was a pecking order with me at the bottom of the pile. I looked just like my dad when I was a child, like a chip off the old block. The others not so much. Was it this I do not know but I remember accepting the fact that I was not as special as my siblings, and just thought it was how things were.
When grandchildren came along and she carried on with the favouritism, I knew I could put an end to it. She lost out, and although it was not a nice decision to make, it was the right one.
What can you do when you can't make someone change? You don't try anymore.
Concentrate on what is important and leave the negatives behind.

@TDMN

Oh this sounds tough. So what happens in the following scenario: You: What was DH like at school? MIL: Well BIL was xxx You: I see, and what was DH like?

Does she just ignore you and keep talking about BIL or changes the subject entirely?
What would happen if you just repeatedly kept going back to 'and what was DH like at school?' And if she ignores you, interrupt her and go 'sorry MIL, are you hearing me okay? I asked about (DH) not (BIL)' - what do you think would happen?

She just says he was fine & tells me another story about Dave. Honestly that's what happened today and last time too 😏

@Anordinarymum

OP I was always a good daughter but my mother had four of us and there was a pecking order with me at the bottom of the pile. I looked just like my dad when I was a child, like a chip off the old block. The others not so much. Was it this I do not know but I remember accepting the fact that I was not as special as my siblings, and just thought it was how things were. When grandchildren came along and she carried on with the favouritism, I knew I could put an end to it. She lost out, and although it was not a nice decision to make, it was the right one. What can you do when you can't make someone change? You don't try anymore. Concentrate on what is important and leave the negatives behind.

You probably guessed right, if your siblings looked like bet side of the family and she didn't like your dad as much then your only sin was reminding her of your dad. So unfair but you sound like a fantastic mum protecting her kids 👏👏👏

Stop the visits to your home. If you must, then visit her & you can limit the time spent there, agree to a maximum and leave early if your hackles start rising. Don't engage with "Dave" conversation.
Dave is doing x. - Excuse me just popping to the loo, & walk away
Dave's dc . . . - Shall I put the kettle on? Walk away
Well Dave . . . - I think the dog wants to go out/cat wants in/ It's starting to rain/ was that dc calling. Walk away.
And Dave . . - Darling I think it's time to go as we need to get x on the way home/fill the car up/get the kids home for dinner. Say goodbye to granny dc - bye.

Thats so frustrating! Honestly i'd be tempted to do similar to what a PP suggested, like next time she comes over and mentions Dave
say something like:
'you know its so sweet how you never stop being a mum even when your kids are grown up, all you EVER talk about is Dave and i just hope me and my child have that bond when they grow up. You just never stop talking about him when you're here, do you talk about DH in the same way when you are round there?'
Or:
'I realised last week that we only ever talk about Dave when you're round, im going to buzz you this time so i can actually make sure i hear about XXXX (other family, hobbies, work, anything else)' and then when she mentions him go 'Buzz! Hey thats the 3rd time, remember we werent going to talk about Dave! What were you saying about XXX (other topic!)' With lots of laughing.
Super passive aggressive but tbh if she cant hear herself favour her one child so obviously will she even notice.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Stop the visits to your home. If you must, then visit her & you can limit the time spent there, agree to a maximum and leave early if your hackles start rising. Don't engage with "Dave" conversation. Dave is doing x. - Excuse me just popping to the loo, & walk away Dave's dc . . . - Shall I put the kettle on? Walk away Well Dave . . . - I think the dog wants to go out/cat wants in/ It's starting to rain/ was that dc calling. Walk away. And Dave . . - Darling I think it's time to go as we need to get x on the way home/fill the car up/get the kids home for dinner. Say goodbye to granny dc - bye.

Will def put those ideas to work. Did the 'leave the room' thing a couple of times today as literally COULD NOT TAKE ANY MORE! & stayed in the kitchen for 15 minutes to cool down. Am putting them in my notes now 🙏xx

@TDMN

Thats so frustrating! Honestly i'd be tempted to do similar to what a PP suggested, like next time she comes over and mentions Dave say something like: 'you know its so sweet how you never stop being a mum even when your kids are grown up, all you EVER talk about is Dave and i just hope me and my child have that bond when they grow up. You just never stop talking about him when you're here, do you talk about DH in the same way when you are round there?' Or: 'I realised last week that we only ever talk about Dave when you're round, im going to buzz you this time so i can actually make sure i hear about XXXX (other family, hobbies, work, anything else)' and then when she mentions him go 'Buzz! Hey thats the 3rd time, remember we werent going to talk about Dave! What were you saying about XXX (other topic!)' With lots of laughing. Super passive aggressive but tbh if she cant hear herself favour her one child so obviously will she even notice.

OMG they are brilliant! I need to do them and also am a little bit scared tbh! I've been a pleaser to my inlaws for 20 years as want my husband to be happy and not cause any trouble but literally can't take any more of this nonsense...!😩

OP to get this into context. My children were tiny when I went NC. Your children are older and know what the situation is like so maybe just go along with things and smile when she behaves like this. Less stressful to deal with it and laugh at the ludicrousness of her rather than to block her.

Everytime she mentions BIL look straight at your DH & DCs, raise your eyebrows quickly, then start to yawn, straighten your clothes, be interested in a speck on your jeans. Suddenly remember, "oh I must tell you about X, before I forget". Get the kids involved for a laugh. If it doesn't work I personally couldn't sit there and couldn't put my DC through it.

Stop visiting her, sounds like your kids think she's a bell end anyway so they probably won't care.

Do you live further away than the bil? How often does bil see her v how often your oh?

I often think the distance is a factor. It can go either way, idolised if not seen often or due to seeing more frequently so more acquainted with the minutiae of their lives.

I also think that older children are always viewed more "negatively" than younger who tend to be easier to please and more obliging in terms of the grandparents expectations.

Oh yes, my MIL is the same, except she bangs on about SIL and her holder DGS. That combined with the fact that I know everything about her family including extended family, but she can’t even be bothered to listen if I mention my family, and I just can’t be arsed with her anymore. I know all about DH’s grandfathers army career. My grandfather was in the army too, I mention it to MIL but it just doesn’t register.