MILs Behaviour

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

Hi all I am genuinely asking for help and strategies for coping with visits from my inlaws.

Every conversation we have turns round to be about their other son, what he was like at school, what he ate for lunch, what food he orders in, his child, his wife etc etc

I try to ask what was your other son (my husband) like at school, what was your other son like as a kid? But again the conversation goes back to fave son.

He is also a father and my two kids, who they have never shown much interest in, are being sidelined as well in favour of fave sons child. I am so sad about this as dont want my kids to feel second best

What would you do if you were literally bombarded about your BIL?

It hurts my husband too and we literally count how many times the bros name is mentioned. It was 42 times today in the 4 hour visit.

Please help :(

Coping strategies please

Thank your lucky stars that it's at least a close family member. My MIL couldn't stop comparing us to a second cousins son's family. They were horrific but richer than us, better car, house, holidays etc. The husband had also shagged a friend, mum worked in Jersey some of the time and they could only talk about money. Absolutely awful people and it did hurt to be compared to them. When it started on the kids, a switch flicked and the joy of my life has been no contact for the last 8 years.
Honestly life is too short to spend with joy thieves.

Do not have these people in your home going forward; that is one firm boundary you can act upon now. I would ask you both where your boundaries are at here with regards to his parents?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Probably not and his parents are no different.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your H's role here is the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. He has not come from an emotionally healthy family unit at all. His not wanting to rock the boat and feeling both unwilling and unable to confront is typical too of the scapegoat and as a result you as his family have been and indeed are scapegoated as well. He is completely mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt. All of that along with his own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you people. I seem to recall his parents and brother not wanting to attend a milestone birthday of yours either. Its because you guys are his family's scapegoats.

Its also no great surprise either that your kids do not have much if any of a relationship with them; they knew all too well what his parents are like long ago. Narcissists really do make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures; they either undervalue or overvalue the relationship with the grandchildren and they've certainly noticed the favouritism in favour of their cousins.

Sadly for your kids this overt favouritism has been further enabled and assisted by both of you; he has not ever wanted to confront his parents because he is that afraid of them, still seeks their approval and thinks the sky will fall in if he goes against their demands. You are a people pleaser and in turn have wanted to keep your DH happy. Poor to no boundaries (your DH has never really been encouraged to have any by his parents) has enabled them further to come in and freely talk at you about their golden child other son. All of that has done you both no favours at all. Both of you should consider therapy; he for his relationship with his narcissistic parents and you for your people pleasing tendencies. This has cost you both as people dearly. I would advise him to read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

You may also want to look at and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread too.

I don't think you'll change this. You both need to find a way of coping with it so it doesn't make you bitter. I knew someone like this, her younger son was the same age as mine. Whenever we talked her conversation moved to her elder and perfect son. I used to laugh at it but I hate to think what it did to her other son's self-esteem.

I don't think you'll change this. You both need to find a way of coping with it so it doesn't make you bitter. I knew someone like this, her younger son was the same age as mine. Whenever we talked her conversation moved to her elder and perfect son. I used to laugh at it but I hate to think what it did to her other son's self-esteem.

I think you need to be polite but more direct.

When she starts talking about the brother yet again... look her in the eye... and say "that is the 7th time you have talked about Dave and the kids, you are here to see us and our children, your GC, could you concentrate on that instead? I'm tired of hearing about Dave"

Some light hearted advice.

Your MIL’s behaviour is ingrained and she won’t change. You can take steps to control it but you might end up falling out, as in her mind she’s done nothing wrong.

Now to the advice. Get your husband’s support and agree on three strikes and you’re out policy. Better still involve the children too.

Strike one - she mentions BIL. You say oh yes but we always talk about him. Let’s have some new conversation today.

Strike two - as we said let’s have some new conversation (and change subject)

Strike three - all burst out laughing and say Aaaahhhh it’s that name again. No no no. It’s a BIL curfew day today. Then change subject.

Repeat strike three as often as needed and expect her to flounce out soon after ....

Repeat strike 3 or add in a tally chart, with a column for every person named.
'Another tick for Dave !- runaway winner once again!' 'Mike has yet to leave the starting blocks...'

Op are you sure she’s not talking as much about you all to BIL? We have a similar situation in our family - we couldn’t work out why BIL and SIL seemed to really dislike us. It came out that they thought we were the “favourites” as MIL always talked about us with them. But the thing was she always talked about them with us! It was just her way of making conversation by talking about people we both knew in common.

Could that be happening here?

I would say “ do you know you’ve change the subject to your other son again? It’s very disconcerting. We feel a failure here. It’s not good for our mental health”

There was a similar thread about how a MiL just couldn't stop mentioning her 'golden child' which in that other thread was her daughter.
I'll give the same response I gave there.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4229314-MIL-constantly-mentioning-her-daughter?msgid=106917141

If you are visiting her, (agreed with your DH beforehand) give her a warning that if she mentions "Dave" again, you will be putting on your coats and leaving.
Just that.
Leave.
If she is visiting you and you collected her or are dropping her home, tell her that you will be putting your coats on and driving her home so that she can spend the rest of the day talking with Dave as she clearly can't spend an afternoon without mentioning him to you.
You don't want to hear it.
You won't put up with hearing it and you've already told her that you don't want to hear about Dave or Dave's children or Dave's cat or anything at all about Dave.

Then do it

Even if you're mid-mouthful of Sunday dinner, grab your coat and get her bag and get her in to the car and drive her home.

You will no longer put up with her disregarding your wishes and boundaries.
Then don't have her back until she can respect your wishes and boundaries.

Or agree to meet in a neutral venue where you can leave, and perhaps even leave her there so that Dave can collect her and bring her home.

I’d be tempted to do a sweepstake on how long it takes her to mention Dave. Put the timer on when she arrives and if she goes past your time you don’t win, winner is the next time. Winner gets a prize.

Or bingo, each of you had a card with certain daveisms she uses frequent, first one to get all wins

It won’t sop her but might give you a laugh whilst she’s doing it.

But seriously, I would have to say something or not see her at all.

Was at a family thing a few years ago, the dirt time my gm was meeting my youngest. She barely acknowledged her, all she could talk about was one of her other gc (and ggc) who weren’t even there. I stopped seeing her. She was never going to change, I was not going to allow my children to feel as inadequate growing up as I did.

"Dear me, Mother in law! MUST we talk about Dave again? The poor man's ears must be burning constantly as he's all you ever talk about! Give the guy a break!"

I'm afraid me losing my shit would be the only solution to this. And whilst my children have been raised to be very polite to their peers, I wouldn't discourage them from just coming out with some serious teen style muttering of what they usually say to you, "Oh great, grandmother. We get to hear about nothing but Cousin N.... AGAIN!"

In recent years I have come to the decision to take less shit. If someone is being rude to me, they are setting the tone, not me, and I should not worry about being the same back.
My sister will ignore my calls or texts unless she wants to answer or reply. That's fine, her choice, but now I do the same back, oddly enough, she doesn't like it. Tough shit. It kills me to ignore calls and texts as it's not in my nature but I have to sit on my hands and be strong. What's good for the goose and all that.

@WorkHardPlayHard1

Hi all I am genuinely asking for help and strategies for coping with visits from my inlaws.

Every conversation we have turns round to be about their other son, what he was like at school, what he ate for lunch, what food he orders in, his child, his wife etc etc

I try to ask what was your other son (my husband) like at school, what was your other son like as a kid? But again the conversation goes back to fave son.

He is also a father and my two kids, who they have never shown much interest in, are being sidelined as well in favour of fave sons child. I am so sad about this as dont want my kids to feel second best

What would you do if you were literally bombarded about your BIL?

It hurts my husband too and we literally count how many times the bros name is mentioned. It was 42 times today in the 4 hour visit.

Please help :(

Coping strategies please

I feel for you op. I commiserate entirely as my MIL is the same 😟. Painful, isn’t it?

Does your dh do more for his parents than ‘Dave’?

When I met my dh, he was running his parents around, picking them up, dropping them off places, well, the young and naive me thought it was so sweet….

Thirty years later, he is still doing that. But his brother, called Dave funnily enough, gets away with doing nothing for them, like he always has, the golden child.

Yet when we go to the PILs, who do they talk about incessantly??..

Of course, the wonderful Dave !!!!

I had to laugh at the buzz and bingo suggestions. I am thinking a whistle they used to use for PE classes would be more suitable, and blow it down her ears when she mentions the D word 😁.

Reading your thread has reminded me it’s time for some talking again with dh. Lockdown restrictions are ending and the Sunday dinner invites will be issued soon.

I’ve tried many times before and I know it’ll end in a row as he is stuck in the mire of FOG, and I can’t help him until he helps himself. I ask him, what’s the worst they can do if you call them up on the constant Dave references?

What I have found has helped is turning the volume off on the landline phone as she kept on ringing for dh to go down and help, followed by ringing his mobile. Both phones. Constantly.

….So we don’t answer the house phone now as we can’t ‘hear’ it. It’s hid under the chair.

She gave up, and now just rings dh’s mobile number, but he can choose to answer it or not, therefore thats in his control, his boundary.

There is only so much you can do, unfortunately, but @AttilaTheMeerkat speaks a lot of sense.

@Anordinarymum

My mother did this. It got to the stage where it became embarrassing as she did not even try to hide her favouritism of my siblings children over mine. No matter what subject we talked about regarding my children she always changed the conversation to anything about them, and in the end I stopped calling her. On the few occasions we met up she showed dislike of my little ones openly in front of others, and the last time she did it I decided this was the last time she would ever see them. This was the only way I could stop it from carrying on.

im sorry ,that must be so emotionally hard in some ways .she is your mother and supposed to love you all uncondionally

@Conkergame

Op are you sure she’s not talking as much about you all to BIL? We have a similar situation in our family - we couldn’t work out why BIL and SIL seemed to really dislike us. It came out that they thought we were the “favourites” as MIL always talked about us with them. But the thing was she always talked about them with us! It was just her way of making conversation by talking about people we both knew in common.

Could that be happening here?

I think you could be onto something @Conkergame.

What do you think @WorkHardPlayHard1? What is ‘Dave’ and his families attitude towards you?

My grandmother was like this. I’ve always assumed that she was like this with my uncles and cousins, but not sure how she could be because she never heard anything about what we had been up to!

Sadly this lay the foundations for a fragmented family (the opposite of what she wanted), and divisions between the uncles. The indifference about all the ‘Dave’ stories affected the relationship with ‘Dave’ and not her.

Eventually she behaved so appallingly that I went NC and never saw her again.

The things she wanted from the family were the exact same things she destroyed as a result of her incessant comparing and competitive behaviour.

As you’re all adults I would suggest being blunt ‘did you know you mentioned Dave 42 times last time you visited? We appreciate that you are proud of Dave, but we love hearing directly from Dave what he and his family have been up to. Shall we focus on something else this visit?’

I imagine she will kick off and there will be tears but stand your ground otherwise things will never change.

And to those who say ignore it because your kids are older- this is not the case. Yes you can laugh it off, but it is amazing how your self esteem can suffer at the hand of a grandparent who really isn’t interested in hearing what you have been up to, but insists on being part of the family.

Similar to DiscoGlitterBall - My good friend has a sister to whom she is very close, although they both acknowledge that younger sister was favoured. Both married and had two sons each; they live close to each other and all boys attended the same schools; the two younger cousins were in the same class for a while. As youngsters, they played together and got on well.
Unfortunately, GM could not stop herself from harping on about the two sons of the younger sister being more academically successful, and sadly, as they have grown into young men, the rift has widened, and they have little to do with each other.
The sad thing is, GM is very family-oriented, and it's the last thing she would have wanted.
Would your MiL take more notice of the rift between the cousins? I gather your DS is already commenting.

Maybe squirt her with water or blow an air horn every time she says dave 🤣🤣 should cure her of her obsession

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Great post.

OP,

I mean this kindly but both your husband and yourselves have put what's easiest for you both ahead of your children.

Very wrong IMO.

I would not be allowing a grandmother into my home that communicated so clearly how unimportant my children were to them.

A huge parenting failure.
Your children deserve better.
Their grandmother is extremely rude.

They have been taught they don't matter and their parents will sit by while they are treated as if they don't matter by very rude people.

Awful.
Your husband and yourself have done what is best and easiest for you both.

You should have told your husband years ago not to be such a wuss and that you were not going to allow your children be treated like that.

I had the ils first dgc... All good until sil had hers.
Retreated tactfully. And took dc with me.
Dh never bothered much with them so neither did I.
In your shoes I would let dh visit. Why put yourself through that shit?

@HenryHonda2007 she could be? I'll get my husband to ask next time he sees them (he avoids them tbh) 😞

My mother has a habit of doing this about my brother with literally everyone. No doubt your MIL does it to everyone else as well. I understand your frustrations. One reason might be that she’s proud of your BIL or that she is trying to be relatable in conversation. Other than that I have to agree it might be to do with being the favorite and I would suggest maybe talking in private with her that it affects your husband. She may not actually be aware she’s doing it. I agree with others that changing the subject and cutting talks of your BIL short might give her the hint!

Would you try telling her that it is nice to hear Dave & kids are well but that she talks about him all the time & you'd rather she concentrate engaging properly with your kids/family when she is in your company?
At least then if you react it's not like she hasn't been asked/forewarned. I do think it is a bit unfair to tolerate something for so long (to the point where she is clueless she is being tolerated) & then unilaterally decide something is irritating & can no longer be tolerated without even telling her so.

And if she just continues on then do the walking away exercise each time she mentions Dave. It's a pity it isn't in her home because then you cd just get the coats on cue & leave.

Tell your DH he must deal with this otherwise there will be an almighty blow up one day & his head in the sand will be part of the reason.