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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need an honest opinion about MIL... Long but please, I need your opinions

36 replies

Chandra · 02/11/2004 20:36

Well, as many as you are aware, I have some issues with MIL, since we decided to marry she started acting as if I was not good enough for his DS. She is horrible sometimes but she always disimulate the ofense in the way of saying: "Oh but I love you very much, but how do you expect people to be nice to you if you don't hide you come from latinamerica"- or "I don't know how do you do it but when DS was dating X he always dressed very well, but then X cared about those things" or "I don't care what you think but you don't have my permision to...have a dog, name my grandchild with that name, move to another country or seeing the relatives I don't like". The problem is so deep that the main reason we don't go back to Spain is that we are sure our marriage won't survive so much pressure. Since DS was born this has been a war, she finds extremely difficult to respect our decisions and as a result DH and I relationship gets affected. I used to blame DH for not stoping her but since DS was born DH has tried very hard and we only get treats saying that she is going to do whatever she wants.

A few months ago, she demanded to see DS (he was 14m at the time), we have not planned to visit her for several reasons but the main obstacle was that my visa was expired and it took months to renew it and as a result I couldn't go out of the country, but she threw a tantrum and requested DH to leave me here and take DS to her. I was so shocked at that request that DH didn't even comment on that.

At the moment I'm very stressed as I have to submit my dissertation in 2 weeks, we had planned to go this weekend (DH had a business trip to Spain and we have said DS and I would go with him), unfortunately I will be risking failing the dissertation if I go now, so we have spend the week thinking how to tell her to avoid a further drama, so we decided just to postpone the trip for two weeks. DH told her about it today and hell broke loose, she is fuming and DH (who atm is in Austria) rang me an hour ago to tell me that after his meeting in Spain he will come back to pick up DS and take him back to Spain to his grandmother. I really don't know if I'm over reacting, but both DH and I don't trust her to take care of DS, I understand she is his grandmother but why do we always have to do the things her way? why is it to bad to wait 2 weeks?, she has said that she had to cancel something to be home this weekend and had lost some money, and the only thing I'm tempted to do is to send her a check for the amount and cancel the trip at the end of the month.

I really need a reality check, I don't think is right of me to let DS go alone when he barely knows her, I really don't trust DH to take proper care of DS (He is a great Dad but sometimes he gets concentrated in other things and don't pay attention, sometimes he forgets to feed him, other times DS has had some little accidents while DH is distracted), my MIL has a pond, a swimming pool and toxic substances at home (some pigments she uses to mix her oil paintings are very poisonous), and she is far more uncareful than DH. Would you risk a biiiiiggg fight with DH to avoid taking DS (without me) to stay with MIL? Or would you just let him go and pray nothing bad happens?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chandra · 02/11/2004 20:37

Dear Dear, I have wrote an essay!!!! too much dissertation work lately, soryy

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/11/2004 20:39

Chandra, I've just glanced through this but I don't think you should let DS go. For one thing you won't be able to concentrate on your work properly if you're worried about him.

ChicPea · 02/11/2004 20:42

I would tell her and DH to wait for two weeks and then MIL can see DS. You said DS hardly know her, you are not desparate to have somebody else care for him, so I would not let him go. Don't worry about the drama - I know easily said than done - but you are his mother, you are going in two weeks's time after your dissertation and that's that.

joanneg · 02/11/2004 20:42

I would stick to you guns.

she can bloody wait
You his mother and if you dont want him away from you then that is up to you
your ds is only little and I can understand you not wanting him to go.

Make her wait, she is lucky you are all going over there - she should be thankful.

Your ds is precious and you are right to want to protect him, also it will stress you out if he goes and you are under enough pressure.

hugs(()) stick to your guns xx

subs · 02/11/2004 20:43

no you are not overreacting... and it sounds like she is actually using your ds to manipulate and exert control over you dh... it seems to me that, sooner or later, you are going to have to just put your foot down - so it may as well be now.

if you arent comfortable with your dh taking you ds away without you when he so young then, as his mother, that is your prerogative and mil will simply have to live with it.

i know i sound glib, but just trying to make you feel confident in your position. you are the mother, and all will have to fall in with you and your perception of your child's needs.

there is no need for your dh to get caught in the middle if you take responsibility for the decision (which will represent a more complete stand). just tell them. she soun ds like a bully, and we all know what we would say to our babies if they were being bullied at school - all bullies are cowards.

you can do it
good luck

cas73 · 02/11/2004 20:43

Why can't your MIL come over here if she really wants to see ds?

nutcracker · 02/11/2004 20:49

I definatly definatly would not let your Ds go.

You are obviously not happy about it and he is your son not hers, it's your desicion.

Fibe · 02/11/2004 20:51

totally agree with subs - stick to your guns - he is your son - go with your instincts on what you know is best for him, and don't let her manipulate you (she sounds like she is a total professional at that particular skill)

gees, i really really really dislike people who bully others

good luck with this - and good luck with your disseration

Original poster

Chandra · 02/11/2004 20:52

Thanks for you comments, I have stand my foot several times but it only makes things worse. I can say that before moving to England she used to make me cry at least once a week, she used to rang all the time every day even knowing DH was not around, she is a very dominant character, the truth is I don't want to see her, it's always so painful, I have been crying a couple of days ago because I was so scared to see her, specially at this time. But I'm not really prepared to risk DS safety so I can avoid her.... puff, I'm so confused.... am I a horrible person is I say I don't want to see her but I'm not ready either to risk DS safety so I can avoid her?

OP posts:

Fibe · 02/11/2004 21:00

you are not not not horrible person - those protective hormones are for a purpose

if you don't trust her, it is with good reason

has she ever given you reason to think she would be kind and loving with you son?

if not, then IMHO, I would not let her see my son without me being present

actually, what I really think is (beware: contraversial though) grandmothers don't have any "rights" to demand things - he's your child, you make the choices

princesspeahead · 02/11/2004 21:01

oh dear chandra.
can you get around the situation by saying that you were really looking forward to a break and a trip to spain with ds after all the work you have put in on your dissertation? ie put your foot down on the postponment of the trip? obviously that won't work if what you have actually decided is that you don't want you or ds to go at all. but he is her grandson, it is probably worth putting up with a trip every so often so she can see him, but don't let him go by himself if you aren't comfortable about it. he is still very young! and as MI says, you will miss him and worry about him and it will affect your work.
good luck, she sounds like a dragon!

Fibe · 02/11/2004 21:01

ps. i know you don't want to see her (can understand that too)

i would still recommend standing your ground and doing things only on your terms

GRMUM · 02/11/2004 21:08

I wouldn't let ds go on his own with dh at this age ( i imagine he's less than 2 years old?)

I got a lot of what you describe from my mil (who's greek) during the 1st years of our marriage.I think its a mediterranean thing for mil to interfere as much as she can! I know plenty of greek girls who have problems too - so its not just because we are foreign.

What settled everything down here (after a number of years) was the fact that my husband ALWAYS came out on my side in "public" even if we had a massive row later in private, in front of his parents he always said he agreed/supported me. I've known so many girls going through things like this and its the only way to calm things down. (we incidentally get on very well now) From that point of view also I don't think dh's plan is viable because its not supportive of your situation at present.

I often wonder if women in Uk have these sort of problems with in laws it is SO common here I feel I could write a book about it!!

pixiefish · 02/11/2004 21:08

agree with the others- he's your ds and you keep him with you- tell her to mind her own business. Would not allow my dd out of the country without me. Stick to your guns

Caligula · 02/11/2004 21:39

Chandra, stick to your guns. If you give in over this, your MIL will make the rest of your life a nightmare while she is alive. You just can't afford to back down. This is a battle for who is in charge in your family - make sure everyone knows it's YOU. (Grmum - totally agree with your comment about Latin MILs - come across a few and boy, are they hell!)

subs · 02/11/2004 21:45

just wanted to add that it always seems like sticking to what you want seems worse in short term as involves confrontation, but (especially if you explain all clearly to your dh and agree to stick together on this) in long term is only way to end this...

and hope you can draw strength from fact that everyone here thinks you reasonable about not wanting your ds to go abroad without you etc

xxx

hunkermunker · 02/11/2004 21:52

Risk a big fight. You won't sleep for worrying otherwise and that won't help you get the dissertation done. If it helps, make a list of the things you're worried about to go through with DH. If all else fails, burn DS's passport!

dolally · 02/11/2004 22:32

Chandra, it hardly needs me to say it but, stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable... she is.

A) the child is yours, not hers. Even if she were the most wonderful Mil in the world any mother would probably feel uncomfortable letting her baby leave the country to visit its unfamiliar grandmother in unfamiliar surroundings.
B) as everyone has already said if you let him go you will worry the whole time and STILL not get your dissertation done.
C) if you give in to this demand of your MIL now will this make her change, be more respectful of you and her son's life with you, be kinder to you, or anything remotely positive? Doesn't sound like it?

I don't live in England and I have a Latin mother in law, but she would never make such demands of me or her son if we lived far away from her.

Original poster

Chandra · 03/11/2004 00:07

Thank you so much for your comments, yes the latin MIL, whatever they say about macho cultures the truth is that the latin culture is a matriachy. Hope I don't become the stereotypical latin MIL when I grow old! Having said that my mother (also latin) would not dare to behave in such way, but someway I think she is the leader of the family .

But yes you are right, it's very much a battle to decide who rules over my little family. I have already thought of misplacing DS passport but if DH insists I'm afraid we are going to have a HUGE problem. In a way, Dollaly, you are right C) is really correct, if we continue giving up to he demands she will continue thinking she has the right to decide over us... , and I think that enough is enough. Though... I really don't expect a short battle, this has been going on for years.

I'm so happy to hear your replies, I was really confused when I posted this thread but now I'm clear about the issue, many thanks!

OP posts:

MarsLady · 03/11/2004 00:20

Chandra, reading this thread is like looking at my life with mother out law. Hold firm darling and don't let it get you down. DH and I had many awful arguments about his mother. She used to say that it was really good that the children weren't born too dark (I'm black, DH white). I used to answer that they weren't too light either which shocked her. You and your DH need to find a moment to talk about what you want and what boundaries you are going to put down. Try not to do it just after contact with her. It's not easy. In the end I told my DH that whilst I was happy for him to see her as much as he wished, I no longer felt the need. She tried one too many times to break up our marriage. I don't know that I can offer any words of advice really as I still get steamed when I think of the things she used to do and say. DH and I doing much better now that MOL not in the picture. She doesn't see the kids because she's not interested. I got lucky I guess. Feeling for you. Mars

Original poster

Chandra · 03/11/2004 00:52

MarsLady, thanks for your message, I'm happy that you have managed to solve the issue, it gives me some hope (LOL at the MOL, perfectly adequate!). We have been through this for 6 yrs and I don't see the thing going any better.
I understand what you say about being white and being dark, I have had a time with that kind of comments, my IL family even comented that I was gaining some advantages for marrying a Spanish, but they were very surprised to hear that according to high social uses I have degraded myself by marrying a foreigner (same rubish in both countries as you can see, but it was nice to let them know that people from other countries could have simmilar reactions to the ones they have.) Thanks!

OP posts:

Jimjams · 03/11/2004 09:46

she sounds a right cow. Your dh needs to stand up to her in a a big way and tell her she will not be seeing any of you unless she starts to behave. Dh basically did this with his parents recently- and it really worked- they have just been to stay and were wonderful!

MarmaladeSun · 03/11/2004 09:50

Remember the saying 'the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world'? Well you rock the cradle; in other words YOU are the mother and what YOU say goes. IMO the MIL should see DS on your terms, and if she doesn't like them then she risks losing him altogether. I wouldn't let him go, I would wait until you can all go together. Good luck.

secur · 03/11/2004 09:54

Message withdrawn

Avalon · 03/11/2004 09:57

Chandra, if you don't want a big fight with your MIL, you could tell her that your ds is unwell at the moment, and you'd hate her to catch it. Take your pick from sickness and diarrhoea, slapcheek, been exposed to chickenpox etc. And your doctor has ordered you not to take him abroad for 2 weeks!

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