Going no contact with my mum at age 78

[theconstantscreamer]

My mum has never liked me. She has made it quite clear from her actions and words throughout my life. She has never been an ally or support, was abusive and neglectful when I was younger and has always seemed to take pleasure in my pain and failures.

She is much older now and I have DC of my own but it has got to the point where her mind has deteriorated so much that there is no facade any more. She just clearly hates me and tells me so to my face.

I used to tolerate it all because it just made my relationship with my dad easier, and if I ignored the constant insinuations and criticisms and confronted only the very worst stuff she did, I survived with low self esteem and therapy and a few abusive relationships over the years.

Her inability to filter or have a facade now she has deteriorated with age has brought it all into sharp focus for me. My relationship with her is the cause of many of the things in my life I have not been able to fathom or understand: why I always chose the same abusive, controlling men, why I have never felt I had a right to stand up for myself, feeling constantly like a failure and with a sense of constant, deep shame . I have never had a sense of self or a strong sense of self worth. I have fawned and complied to everyone for decades. I don’t trust other people. I see in other people’s responses to me, her messages of mocking, laughing, humiliating and criticising and I assume there is something inherently dislikeable or laughable about me, like I am actually an object of pity and I do not know it - or a buffoon, like a clown or a pantomime horse and it’s evident to everyone.

So now it is so out in the open, in front of everyone, including my own DC who are so impressionable right now, I don’t really know what to do anymore. She hates the way I look and the words I say. Every bit of contact I have with her is negative and highly critical. She openly tells the DC she doesn’t like me. When they ask why she says something like - “I can’t even begin to describe. I feel sorry for you all.”

She’s 78. Imagine I cut her out now? I am her only child. None of the rest of my family would forgive me and it would add fuel to her fire that I am an awful person.

WWYD?

Walk away. Give yourself permission to be happy. You owe her nothing, let other people think what they like.

You are not an awful person, she is. I wish I could give you a hug

How dare she tell you she hates you, and in front of your children? Don't let your children anywhere near her, she's damaging them as she's damaged you, and it has to stop. If the rest of your family don't understand you walking away from this awful woman, then you need to stay away from them too.

You will be so much happier without her, although it will take time to get used to it (I've been no-contact with my mother for 10 years now although she is younger than yours), is your dad still around - how does he deal with her behaviour?

Walk away. Actually, no - run

And if anyone thinks badly of you for doing so, they are not worth the shit on your shoe. They are enablers/flying monkeys

So much easier said than done, but if she was anyone other than your mother, would you even have to ask?

Initially I would become very busy, step away slowly without a big scene. This stops her trying to immediately reel you back in to her controlling ways.

After a period of time explain to your DC that you wouldn't speak to them the way she speaks to you and that you are having a break from it. The break can be extended until she's passed away, but you don't need to advertise this fact nor justify yourself any further.

Avoid conflict as she's clearly manipulative and you don't need to be part of this. Back away slowly into NC.

What a sick bitch she is. Sorry, but she sounds absolutely sadistic and appalling. Cut her out OP. You've suffered enough

If she hates you so much, then seeing her is like self-abuse. Protect yourself and your kids and stop contact.

Does she even want to see you?

My aunt when she she’s me asks me me to make amends with my mother for the sake of the children. For their sake I don’t. You don’t need her poison in their lives, and they probably wonder why you see someone who hates you, what message does that send to them?

You sound like such a lovely lady who has been abused all her life by an evil witch.

If you were giving advice to a friend what would you say? And there's your answer.

Do it for your children if you cant do it for yourself

Please go no contact as you are giving her the power to abuse you as it is.

Anyone who sits and watches this being done to you is an enabler and is a party to the abuse they could have stopped her but didnt. What does that say about them?

With you out of her life she is powerless. Take away her power.

Good luck in your next happier chapter! Xxxxxxx

OP, I could have written your post

All I can say since going NC with my mother a few years ago, my life has improved in ways I never dreamed of. Still struggle with self-esteem, but have found inner strength that I didn't know I had. I wouldn't have found that peace if I continued that relationship. You deserve some peace too OP, and it's nobody's right to deprive you of that.

And you have children, if they witness her treating you in this manner, then the trauma passes through the generations yet again and repeats itself.

I think you need to end it. I ended it with my DM because I was finally sick of her acting like a child. I felt so much better.

When she died I only felt anger but at least I didnt have to go through yet another emotional ringer.

I went NC with my mother whilst she was in her 70s OP. I do feel guilt about it but she was awful for my mental health. I tried going v, v low contact but she just became even more hostile as she was losing control. They started smearing me pretty early on in the low contact phase - everything that comes out of the mouth, doesn't matter what it is, is a lie apparently. Weird. But that's them and good luck to them.

Walk away OP.

Run. Fast. And don't bother looking back.

Have a look at this post. Quite helpful when choosing how to respond.

www.facebook.com/161559836710/posts/10158045097511711/?d=n

Be very low contact. Nothing that she could rise up in martyred indignation to, but just 'oh, yeh, I'll come over soon..............'' really low energy.

I wish I'd done that with my mother 76. She has really hurt me but then acts like I perpetrated an aggression against her when I try to tell her that. I am angry with my dad for being her institutionalised foot solder.

Do you not feel anger towards your dad for not sticking up for you ?

No need to announce it and cause a scene for others to get involved in, just gently extract yourself. Be busy with your own children. She has taught you how not to be.

ps, i recommend Jay Reid and Patrick Teahan on youtube. They both upload really helpful talks about dysfunctional families.

You should have done it a long time ago, but I suppose what she is saying to the children is the last straw. Go no contact and be very open with your children why. This will ensure they follow your example and don't fall into an abusive relationship pattern.

She sounds horrible. It must be really upsetting. Look up 'grey rock' and become one around her. Avoid her in as un-dramatic a way as possible so she can't create a drama around it.

What does your Dad make of this? Does he stick up for you, or pretend it isn’t happening? Seems odd this could have been going on for so long without your Dad intervening.

Why do you think none for your family would forgive you? Do they not see this happening? They might be supportive if you explain what’s been happening. Maybe you’ve tried to talk to your Dad/other family members about this already and they haven’t been understanding?

I literally cannot believe how blind my Dad is determined to be. A year ago I thought, I cna explain this to them, they're not stupid, i can make them get this. But my mum has defended her right to say whatever she likes to me (it is never hurtful!) she is up on the cross, outraged I told her she hurt me, and my Dad is angry with me for hurting Mum. it's just so so dysfunctional and their commitment to being BLIND to it is impressive. I could not have believed how dysfunction our family was/is until I went against the grain. It's depressing but it's for real.

OP honestly I could have written your post ..... I actually woke my DH to read it to him! I went NC with my 80 year old Mother last year. I’ll be honest it’s not easy because I’ve been conditioned to basically do as I was told, and I did.. I bowed and scrapped to my mother and brother who have always treated me with contemp and hatred. But honestly it’s the best thing I could have done .... it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders that I don’t have to ever see either of them again. My DH and DC are thrilled as they hated seeing me treated this way and couldn’t understand why I let it happen....but in my mind it was what I deserved, like you I felt a fool, a Buffoon . I’d been conditioned think that was all I was worth.
Walk away OP, I know it’s difficult to take that first step, but you have to do it for not only you,but your family too.

What do you want for your DC? Do you want them to be able to sense disrespectful behaviour and abuse early, swerve it and move on rapidly?

Then model this for them. Be very overt and tell them confidently (in age appropriate language).

Don’t bother telling your DM though because it’s handing her ammunition. Withdraw put in time and distance - go LC, grey rock etc.

Don’t worry about her - she doesn’t worry about you. It’s likely she has some MH / PD all her life which places you as “target of blame” - and this is escalating.

You’ve taken too much for too long.

I had to do this with my MIL in her late 70’s - my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Never stay in situations or tolerate behaviour because of FOG (fear obligation or guilt) as these are the wrong motivations.

Don’t worry about judgement from others - just expect it and reject it - go LC with these people as well. Their judgment is likely less about the true morality of a situation and more about that your withdrawal will increase their burden.

Keep working on healing and finding your peace and self worth.

Your description of yourself is exactly how I am. In my case it’s my father. In the end he said he wanted no more contact with me (he was 74 then) in his usual manipulative way. He’d threatened to do this since I was 12 years old, and like you, I fawned for decades as I was scared of his abandonment.

But this time, I blocked his number and went NC and have stayed NC for 3.5 years.

It has been hard and I feel guilt, but my life honestly wasn’t worth living with him in it. And like PP said, my DC were starting to be affected.

There has been a smear campaign against me, particularly from a neighbour of his who has mildly harrassed me (she’s a stranger to me so he will have told her all sorts). This has been very painful for me but it has also put paid to any reconciliation as it’s clear I’m still under attack. I’m sure his sisters and neighbours won’t even tell me when he passes away, such is the smear campaign.

I was very low for about a year after the estrangement but my mental health has improved so much since. The only blip has been with the smear campaign but I’ve copied through it.