I’m scared to do what I need to do

[Whydoifeelshit]

I’m a long term poster, but some of this is outing so I’ve changed my name and will be a bit vague on some details. I’m not a troll.

About two years ago I left my H with the children after he assaulted me in front of them. Police dropped charges and everything I had in place because of this fell through and it was a very dark time. It wasn’t the first bit of violence, but it was the first time I involved the police which was massive for me and ultimately I was badly let down.
He had always been financially abusive and emotionally abusive with the odd elbow in the ribs, or accidental foot stuck out so I fell over type of thing, but emotionally he was a real abuser, weeks of ignoring me, gaslighting, playing favourites with the children, name calling, hiding my things, wrecking days out or not coming back in time for me to go out on a night out etc.

Started a divorce, found a place to live, but as an abusive and spiteful man he started on that he was going to take 50% custody of the children which is a huge fear, because the children would just be an extension to abuse me, so one way or another I got strong armed into trying again but us living separately.
So, rather than put the kids at risk I did this.
It’s not been a great success, he made many financial promises which have not been followed through and it’s becoming apparent that I can stay in this situation forever as he is losing nothing (he is still in the marital home) I have the kids 24/7, because I don’t trust him he has rarely been alone with them and he is now back to doing all his hobbies and living life while I look after four children and work and I am definitely in the worse situation.

I know I need to pick my divorce up, but as someone who has been ground down over the years I find that I am badly frightened of starting it and starting the battle.
He is not the sort of man not to follow through on threats, he will go for the kids, even though I have set a precedent that they solely live with me and I am above and beyond the main carer, so first thing will be family court documents plopping on the mat and he will try to wear me down financially in that respect. He will then try to destroy my relationship with them.
Then he will start to last out the divorce and waste my money in that respect. I can’t go into the work situation with him on here, but he’s made sure that most things he owns are in other peoples names so he will do his utmost to prevent any fair settlement. If I go via CSA he has the ability to stop working and do it for cash so a nil assessment and I feel like there is no way I can fight him.

I have the option to not mediate due to the fact he has been violent etc (I have a MIAM from when I started proceedings when I left) so i wouldn’t have to go through that.
I know what I have to do and I’m not a feeble person, but I have total responsibility for four children (three under 10) and therefore the finances and life of them is affected by what I do.
He is such a bully, and I am so frightened. He’s so vindictive and spiteful and he just will not stop, when we are divorced he will move onto the children and try to control/destroy me that way, I will never, ever be free of him, but I know as soon as I start proceedings again he will start to promise me stuff, with threats thrown in of what he will do if I don’t try again.

I don’t know what I want from this, I’m not pathetic but I’m really worn down, sole care of the children, the responsibility that’s on my shoulders, how my marriage was has really taken its toll on me and I just don’t have the get up and go I need for this battle

@Whydoifeelshit

Sorry you are facing this
You will get through it.
Is the money situation ok?

Yes, it is as I work and get Tax Credits. But even when he was being nice get money was dependent on me not upsetting him (for example he’s given me nothing now for 3 months)

Ugh, I'm so sorry. What an awful position to be in.

Divorce almost seems pointless if it could just cause more trouble than it's worth, especially if you know you'll never be properly rid of him.

I wish I could think of some clever, creative ways of minimising his presence in your lives. (Short of hiring a hit man!)

Re the kids, do you think they would just go along with his version of things and you'd be unable to make any difference to how they felt?

The kids absolutely know what he did and does. They want to see him, but they don’t want to live with him at all, however, he has never accepted that and says the court will make them live with him so he “can have his custody”
Baring in mind he doesn’t see them for weeks in end and never helped when we did live together I can only assume he thinks this would reduce a settlement and stop him having to pay CSA as he has no interest actually in them

I wish I could wave a magic wand and set you and the kids up somewhere miles away from him, where you can safely ignore his existence for ever.

Can you seek legal advice to find out how likely it is that the court will make them live with him so he “can have his custody”? It sounds a bit unlikely, given his history of violence.

I'm sorry the police let you down when you needed them.

Would it be possible and bearable for you to invest some time marshalling information, resources, support and a bit of a plan before you take action? Or is living separately not enough space/protection to feel able to delay any longer?

Have you spoken to a solicitor who has experience with DV (you should qualify for legal aid? Or Women's Aid? Or your local authority's DV services/team? Even if you've only contacted either of the latter two for emotional support?

Feeling afraid and beaten down is entirely understandable. It doesn't mean you won't survive this.

My solicitor is experienced in DV, there is also probably enough equity in the house (large house) for me to pretty much buy a property, so divorcing him is becoming a financial necessity. Plus, I can’t continue to rent whilst he lives in up in our large marital home, alone, I need to actually get my share of the money.
I very much doubt he would get 50% but that wouldn’t stop him dragging us all through it unfortunately

Also, the trouble I have is the time I did call the police they dropped charges, despite my injuries because “he said it didn’t happen that way and it was my word against his” 🤔 so I do not have actual proof beyond some pictures I’ve taken over the years, he will just say I’ve made it up, which I have not, he was just careful how he did it.

I wish I could hug you. I am not in your situation but I could recognize myself in some things that you said and I feel trapped too so I do totally understand you. It seems weird he would get kids custody considering what you say, plus I believe your kids would get also asked how they feel considering their age. Why do you think he would get the custody? He sounds just another of his threat, and I know after what you have been through is scary

I don’t necessarily think he would get 50% custody, in fact given that the kids have not spent a night away from me at his house in the two years since I left and nor has he exactly pushed to be an active parent I would be amazed if he did.
However, the kids have told him before that they don’t want to stay at his but he won’t have that, he says they don’t know what they want or I am coaching them to say that and basically that whether or not they want to stay with him is irrespective it’s his right to have them.
Therefore he would drag us all through court whist simultaneously blaming me for “putting the kids through it” because I stand by what the children want.
Quite apart from his inability to parent them it would be financial, he knew someone who got 50% and didn’t have to pay CSA.
That’s the thing, to him it’s a way to pay less rather than it being about the children.

The children are really what has stopped me continuing the divorce.

Whilst your current situation sounds awful, it also sounds better than living with him. Would it be viable to wait until the children have left home before issuing divorce proceedings? (I appreciate that could be c. 15 years away depending on their ages). As you say, life both during and after the divorce is going to be hellish because of his wish to punish and abuse you.

I really need the money and to get myself a house. We are currently squashed in a rented house while he sits in our massive family home. During that time he couldn’t really be compelled to pay for anything.
Currently I work and pay the rent here which is expensive, we have no mortgage on the FMH so he’s having a whale of a time.
Logically I can’t live like this for x amount of years with nothing progressing anywhere.
We were meant to be buying a house, but that fell through due to him and I realised he simply was not going to do anything he promised and he was just buying time really.

However, I know that I don’t want to be with him and I know I can function without him. He took an independent woman and turned her into someone who believed she couldn’t do a thing because she was stupid and a failure, but to a certain extent I’ve got some of “me” back.
I was a SAHM (his choice) so in that time I’ve found a job, secured a rental property (which really was not easy) sorted out benefits and made a life for us.
But we need his money, that sounds mercenary, but he earned the money (and hid it) and he was able to do that because I did the donkey work at home. However he has always felt all money is “his” and I can only have it if I am playing ball, hence how 3 months after I dug my heels in over something I’ve not seen a penny piece for the children.
This is a man who saw us homeless for a time after we left and refused to give me the children’s stuff when I did find a house, so he really doesn’t care if the kids go without. Making me pay for it all is my punishment for being difficult to him.

You CAN do this. Take a deep breath and keep reminding yourself of it. If you need, come back here and get some more oxygen but you need to take back control and get what is rightfully yours and your children's.

You are in a stronger position than you realise. Firstly, the children will vocalise their truth about him and the fact that he hasn't cared for them in two years. Secondly, divorcing him means you will be free of his control and you can buy your own place. You won't get child maintenance from him, so don't be fixated on that. Focus on what you know you can provide for your children. Your happiness and your children's happiness is the priority. Fuck him. Get your solicitor to re-open the divorce files.

Can you keep a diary of contact setting out when he has any contact with the DC or asks about them pays anything towards them etc. Then when you go back to your solicitor and restart the divorce you have a solid record of the precedent set for the past x weeks/months etc. Then push forward the divorce as fast as possible to stop him running up fees unnecessarily. You can say you have the two years separation necessary for a no fault divorce and have been patient waiting for him to sell the house. You've dint the hard but by actually leaving him, just because you haven't divorced doesn't mean anything. You are clearly not together as a couple if you maintain a separate house and he doesn't financially contribute towards even your joint children's maintenance. Just push forward it's worth it in the end, honestly.

OP what advice has your solicitor given you regarding this as I don't understand why you've taken no action. For example have you gathered all the necessary financial information you need for a divorce? Can you get access to it? Can you get into the house and get it? You need copies of the mortgage, assessment of how much the house is worth, pensions, investments, savings, wages etc etc

Have you gathered evidence of the abuse? For example, financial and coercive abuse: text messages, financial statements to show he's paying nothing, texts, emails, phone messages, a log of his behaviour that you can show as evidence to build a case.

Have you been in contact with any DV services who can advise on this? Have you been advised on an Occupation Order?

You can do this

Family court need to help you and recognise the abuse you have all been through

Can you be firm and insist supervised visitation only

You are the parent you know what he can do

Get onto as many agencies as you can

I fled an abusive bast---

He is taking me to family court and I am praying they believe me and will not allow unsupervised access

Read the top of the Relationships thread: expert advice on divorce from a barrister. Best of luck

Forewarn the school, ask about them having counselling when it kicks off over him insisting that they stay overnight with him.

@username12345T

OP what advice has your solicitor given you regarding this as I don't understand why you've taken no action. For example have you gathered all the necessary financial information you need for a divorce? Can you get access to it? Can you get into the house and get it? You need copies of the mortgage, assessment of how much the house is worth, pensions, investments, savings, wages etc etc

Have you gathered evidence of the abuse? For example, financial and coercive abuse: text messages, financial statements to show he's paying nothing, texts, emails, phone messages, a log of his behaviour that you can show as evidence to build a case.

Have you been in contact with any DV services who can advise on this? Have you been advised on an Occupation Order?

My solicitor pushed me to divorce and still does. She was disappointed when I decided to accept what he offered regarding staying together. I have all our text conversations and emails. I can’t get into the house, locks are changed and the mortgage is paid off. There is no pension on his side, he gives large amounts of cash to a trusted family member to symphony through their accounts, which I have some evidence of, he has no personal savings and has always been very careful like that.

Given how uphill it will be to get any of this taken into account means I have put it off.

I did start it, I put in my grounds and he sent back his stuff, but then I just got talked out of it by him.

It’s easy to say you should have done it, I should, but it’s not always as clear cut as getting divorced and life being great afterwards.

Regarding him seeing them, I can recall the last time he saw them and prior to that we did things as a family, he’s never been interested in having them alone.

OP start gathering financial evidence before you say anything to him about divorce. He's probably hidden everything, but it might be worth looking anyway. Does he have a filing cabinet where he keeps documents or a drawer? The other option is a forensic accountant.

You need copies of these documents and file them. Set up your own file for the divorce. Put everything in date order and label it eg Children/House/Pensions/Wages build your own bundle.

Start a log of his behaviour:
Date Time Behaviour How it made you feel Evidence/Witnesses

Add emails, texts, letters, phone messages as evidence
Add evidence of the financial abuse eg text message or phone message. Even if you don't have those put in the conversations:

May 14 2:15 Asked H for money for children's shoes, argument ensued this is what he said It made me feel as though I had to beg for money for his children. I felt demeaned and humiliated. Attached are text messages with some of the conversation.

Add bank statements showing that he's not put any money into your account. Add what evidence you can.

You need to build this log, go back as far as you can. Do not delete text message or phone messages, they can all go in as evidence

Contact Rights of Women for further legal advice. There's a lot of family law info here: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

Get a valuation of the house for your solicitor, try www.zoopla.co.uk/ Stick that in with your bundle

Get in contact with your local DV services who can support you on safety and guide you or signpost you: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

OP I wrote that before I saw your response.

Thanks for the answer.
Tbh before I left so suddenly I had collected a fair amount of stuff as I knew one day I would leave.
I do have stuff, it’s just some of the money stuff is really hard to prove

@Whydoifeelshit

Thanks for the answer. Tbh before I left so suddenly I had collected a fair amount of stuff as I knew one day I would leave. I do have stuff, it’s just some of the money stuff is really hard to prove

You might need a 'forensic accountant' if he has a lot of money stashed away it might be worth paying someone to do it. Your solicitor can advise on that.

OP play along and take your time gathering your evidence. Try and wheedle your way into the house if you can, after all, you're still married.

Collate as much evidence as you can. If he does anything at all untoward, such as threaten you, then call the police as it all counts as evidence. Keep reporting and logging his behaviour.

Get copies of the stuff you do have and organise it all into the bundle as described. It will help you feel more in control OP. Start taking steps.