I’m scared to do what I need to do

[Whydoifeelshit]

I’m a long term poster, but some of this is outing so I’ve changed my name and will be a bit vague on some details. I’m not a troll.

About two years ago I left my H with the children after he assaulted me in front of them. Police dropped charges and everything I had in place because of this fell through and it was a very dark time. It wasn’t the first bit of violence, but it was the first time I involved the police which was massive for me and ultimately I was badly let down.
He had always been financially abusive and emotionally abusive with the odd elbow in the ribs, or accidental foot stuck out so I fell over type of thing, but emotionally he was a real abuser, weeks of ignoring me, gaslighting, playing favourites with the children, name calling, hiding my things, wrecking days out or not coming back in time for me to go out on a night out etc.

Started a divorce, found a place to live, but as an abusive and spiteful man he started on that he was going to take 50% custody of the children which is a huge fear, because the children would just be an extension to abuse me, so one way or another I got strong armed into trying again but us living separately.
So, rather than put the kids at risk I did this.
It’s not been a great success, he made many financial promises which have not been followed through and it’s becoming apparent that I can stay in this situation forever as he is losing nothing (he is still in the marital home) I have the kids 24/7, because I don’t trust him he has rarely been alone with them and he is now back to doing all his hobbies and living life while I look after four children and work and I am definitely in the worse situation.

I know I need to pick my divorce up, but as someone who has been ground down over the years I find that I am badly frightened of starting it and starting the battle.
He is not the sort of man not to follow through on threats, he will go for the kids, even though I have set a precedent that they solely live with me and I am above and beyond the main carer, so first thing will be family court documents plopping on the mat and he will try to wear me down financially in that respect. He will then try to destroy my relationship with them.
Then he will start to last out the divorce and waste my money in that respect. I can’t go into the work situation with him on here, but he’s made sure that most things he owns are in other peoples names so he will do his utmost to prevent any fair settlement. If I go via CSA he has the ability to stop working and do it for cash so a nil assessment and I feel like there is no way I can fight him.

I have the option to not mediate due to the fact he has been violent etc (I have a MIAM from when I started proceedings when I left) so i wouldn’t have to go through that.
I know what I have to do and I’m not a feeble person, but I have total responsibility for four children (three under 10) and therefore the finances and life of them is affected by what I do.
He is such a bully, and I am so frightened. He’s so vindictive and spiteful and he just will not stop, when we are divorced he will move onto the children and try to control/destroy me that way, I will never, ever be free of him, but I know as soon as I start proceedings again he will start to promise me stuff, with threats thrown in of what he will do if I don’t try again.

I don’t know what I want from this, I’m not pathetic but I’m really worn down, sole care of the children, the responsibility that’s on my shoulders, how my marriage was has really taken its toll on me and I just don’t have the get up and go I need for this battle

Your solicitor is the best person to advise you but in addition is it worth speaking to DV charities.
I think you need to chunk this up into smaller isssues.
Presumably the biggest one is contact/residence of the children. Then, there is divorce/money.
You sound Ike you are scared of him going for 50/50 but it sounds like that happening is unlikely given you are the main caregiver. I don’t know what contact they have currently but could you sit it out for a year and reduce contact as much as possible (without being obstructive - I.e. not offer up extra contact
Etc. document it all in a diary. You will then be confident even if he goes for 50/50 it’s highly unlikely that will happen. Anyway, contact will be too much like hard work.
Use DV charities to get as much evidence of his abuse and concerns about his care for the children. Documented too.
Then, go for the divorce. Go for something reasonable which your solicitor recommends. Don’t do mediation. Resign that you might not get everything / what you are entitled to but just enough to start again. Use the time before you start the divorce to get yourself mentally ready (counseling, yoga Whatever you need to do to be strong). Get a good support network around you. Don’t have any direct contact with him unless you are talking about contact with the children. Don’t engage, smile and move on.

You sound like an incredible woman to be able to get yourself out of that relationship and re-start your life. Your children are very lucky.

Thankyou for that.
I know I’ve done really well against massive odds and I am a strong person, it’s just him even when I know I’m right there is that little voice stressing that he will be annoyed and that he will even up the score.
It’s difficult to explain what someone like that does to you. I trod on eggshells for years and it was never enough, sooner or later something happened, he started and I would be ignored for weeks.

Access has been weird, he came here to see them basically. He rarely if ever took them anywhere alone and really he only came for the aspects of it he wanted to.

As soon as I piss him off he disappears sometimes for months at a time, during which he might make an attempt to see them, but will be super difficult and controlling about it ie I say “you can have Sunday as we have plans Saturday” and he will announce he wanted Saturday, so I move things around only for him to say “oh I will have Sunday now”, I then say “you asked for Saturday, I moved things around, you will have to have them Saturday” and he will say “oh, I won’t see them then. Well done, you’ve managed to stop me seeing them again”
And this conversation would go on all day and I become a nervous wreck over it starting.

He has never done school work, sports day, parents evening nothing.
He is a hands off parent who mainly wants to be the one who is fun, briefly.

Sending love and hugs. Sounds like he is already doing pretty much all of the things you fear. I can't promise you the short term will be good when you take that step but, as someone who has been through DV and been utterly ground down by it, I can say it is so much better when you're out. Good luck OP. Always remember you are wonderful to have made it this far

@Whydoifeelshit

The kids absolutely know what he did and does. They want to see him, but they don’t want to live with him at all, however, he has never accepted that and says the court will make them live with him so he “can have his custody” Baring in mind he doesn’t see them for weeks in end and never helped when we did live together I can only assume he thinks this would reduce a settlement and stop him having to pay CSA as he has no interest actually in them

Document with dates when he sees DC, when you've offered him time with the DC but he didn't/doesn't use it, threats, promises. Screenshot any texts and save any emails or voice message. Write everything down that might possibly be useful then see a solicitor before you tell him your LTB, see where you stand. I'd think the fact he hasn't been having DC 50/50 would count against him, but I have no experience with this area.

The courts will see through his bullshit, his gaslighting and his abuse. The fact that he lives in the family home alone and you have to rent with your children is outrageous. A family court will have seen his type numerous times. He has no more power over you. Make copies of all texts and all contact. Your evidence will be plenty.

Hi op. You are getting some excellent advice here. Please do keep posting because this board has an incredible force of women that will steer you and. Support you through this.

I just want to add something about the charges police dropped. Sometimes unfortunately the police or CPS decide they cannot prove beyond all reasonable doubt that the offence happened. However, family and civil court is a whole different ball game. You do not have to prove beyond doubt something happened. Civil court works on probability. In other words you only have to show it was more likely to have happened than not. That is not to say you can definitely prove it but you have a really strong case to show it probably happened. On top of that, you have shown he has no interest in the children and is abusive. Instruct your solicitor and post here for advice. You absolutely can do this and you absolutely can get rid of this terrible man.

Oh and no more arranging things because he says he wants to see the DC. hopefully you can see now it was just controlling behaviour on his part.

Keep a diary. Don't push contact let him arrange it. How old are the children?
Are they getting any counselling (maybe through school).
The older your children are the more the courts will listen to their wants and feelings with respect to contact.
Have you had any support from Women's Aid?

He's an absolute crazymaker and the more records you keep of this, the better.

So sorry OP, honestly wish I could just dispose of him quietly for you!

It’s difficult to explain what someone like that does to you

Those of us who have been through similar absolutely understand. These fuckers really get inside your head and the fear is ingrained over many years.

I know someone else asked but have you spoken to Womens Aid at all? They might be able to give more specific advice than your solicitor.

As I see it, you have two options:

1. Start the divorce process now and potentially have to go through the court to prevent him having 50% residence. There is no chance he will "win" but the fight will be exhausting, painful and potentially traumatise your eldest child (you mentioned they are over 10, so potentially would be asked if they want contact or where they would prefer to live, whereas the other 3 under 10 won't be asked at this stage)
2. Stay as you are - kids are with you but he pays nothing towards them and you are a single parent. You have none of the finances to which you are legally entitled. Your children suffer financially but don't have to see him unless they want to. You continue working all the hours god sends to keep a roof over your heads and put food on the table. You may potentially never see what you are legally entitled to, money wise, as he will have time to hide his assets or pass them off to family members in order to avoid giving you any of the things to which you are legally entitled. (And it's important to note here: these things ARE legally yours. How he feels about that has no bearing on the actual law! Your hard work raising his children allowed him to make that money. So he can totally fuck off with his "I earned it, it's mine" crap.)

Which of those sounds best? For you and your children. How old is your youngest - because from 10yrs children can state their preference in court, however children are "programmed" to love their parents and despite them knowing he's an abusive bastard, they may still choose to have contact with him.

Me personally - I'd go for the divorce and I'd keep it very factual with the kids. "I am divorcing your dad because he bullied me." (Keep it absolutely objective - "your dad is a bully" is emotional and can be disputed. Speak only from your own experience.) There might well be a period where the kids try to play both ends against the middle. Doesn't matter. Just keep telling them that you will always love them and will always have their back. They may temporarily decide to live with him, but they will come back, because they will know that your love is real and genuine.

Good luck OP. Keep posting

Personally I think divorce is the best bet. The eldest is over 10 and the youngest is 6. They are all vocal that they saw what he did when he assaulted me and that they are happy to see him(ie he takes them out) but they don’t want to stay with him.

Most of them remember how he is, which he will basically foist them off on someone whilst he either sits there or goes off todo other things, or he will take them to his and do decorating or whatever whilst expecting them to just sit there. They would rather be at home with their stuff.

Also, I’m not quite the same way, they are also very cautious around him, he has form for stonewalling the older ones if he needs to and everyone is nervous of upsetting him.

He does love them, or he loves the fact they are a useful weapon and I do think they need to spend time with him, but we all know it will only be a short time before he lets them down.
Due to two years of us living alone with his minimal input the kids are quite bonded to me.

I couldn’t really entertain this carrying on forever, I can’t move on and I can’t afford to keep this going if something goes wrong.

At the time of leaving I had an IDVA (due to the things I said had happened prior to the assault) but she left and the one who replaced her just didn’t want to know tbh.
Children’s services were also involved, they knew we were trying again but were happy with what I was doing (ie, they stay with me!) they also knew why I was trying again.

I worry that because he talked me into trying again (however intermittently that was and no matter what my reasons were that for) that I have diluted the complaint. How many people think “oh it’s not that bad, she went back to him”
However, at the time I went back with him because all options were shit and that seemed to be the least shit option as I just wasn’t mentally there to do the battle.
To me it speaks volumes that I didn’t take the easy option (moving back) I have resolutely refused to do that and I have bent myself over to ensure he sees the children at my house, with me there.
It would have been easier to give in believe me.
Since I left I’ve kept him as much at arms length as I can.

I read a comment once about someone who went through a bitter divorce. It took years and someone said to her "at least you are through it, you could have not done it and that time would still have passed and you'd still not be divorced" So in a way it would be worthwhile if you are strong enough to power through. I think you have to prepare yourself for not getting CSA - but your share of the house. It would be better and you could then cut him off properly.

He has also made a big point of not being violent to me since I left and has tried really hard to gaslight me and the children me over what happened! Basically it’s both our faults he did it....

He has used us not living together as a different way to abuse me, ie not showing up for weeks on end, no financial support, ignoring messages, my car getting damaged etc. Even in my own house he seems to call the shots.
He’s really loud and domineering and can’t be reasoned with, he gaslights constantly and will wear you down by bellowing over you.
Sometimes I have had to say to my DD “did that happen how he said?” And she will say it happened nothing like he claims. He is great at making me think that it kind of is my fault he’s gone for weeks (I do hold my own and will shout back which he doesn’t like, I’m also quicker witted and he hates if I catch him out) but then after I think it was probably my fault he acted like that.

Frustration with his endless bloody lying has made me a lot angrier with him than I usually am, I’m quite hot headed irl and I’m a lot more vocal, but now he just leaves if we are going somewhere he doesn’t like in a conversation. I see where I am as opposed to the great life he’s having and it makes me hate him.

O god i feel for you. I have had a very different but probably very similar situation. I am now out the other side.
I can not say too much about my situation as its very outing.
What I would say is you have to minimise your connections with this man, he will dominate and control your life. Yes it will be very hard to divorce him, get finances and child arrangements sorted. But you have to do it. You deserve to be free of this torture, you are only prolonging it.
I have been through the family courts many many times, it is hard but kind of essential when your dealing with someone so toxic and abusive. You have to minimise their opportunity to abuse you, you will struggle to stop it totally though if he is persistent.
Please feel free to pm me