There's something wrong with my Dad but I don't know what

[rtgfgyh]

There is something off about my Dad's behaviour but I have never known what it is. He is diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I think there's more to it than that.

• He's unemployed but gets very overwhelmed over the smallest things now if it's something he doesn't want to do (for example, doing the food shopping AND having to go to the post office in one day). He hates any kind of responsibility, for example he was really overwhelmed and put out when he was asked to take our family cat to a 20 minute vet appointment as everyone else was busy at work/school.
• Shows really, really blatant favouritism among me and my siblings which is really heartbreaking. I'm one of the favourites and my sister resents me for it.
• Gets really fixated on disagreements and arguments. Will often drag me into them to decide who is right, it's always the most banal topic of argument but he gets incredibly angry over it. He will put his foot down and stubbornly refuse to move on from things. Most recent example I can think of is my DM thought she asked him to get milk from the shop when he went but apparently she didn't, not a big deal. Only he didn't see it like that and saw it that she was making him look stupid. He had to go around to everyone who was there "did you hear her ask me to get milk?"
• Is controlling, particularly towards my DM. She has friends and a job and he doesn't and I think he resents that. If she goes out with friends he thinks she is being cruel to him. I've noticed that he will often cause an argument to ruin her mood/day or when she's out he will call her several times and get frustrated if she doesn't answer. He is also very over-protective of me and my sister even though we are young adults.
• He often gets into arguments with people when out. Most typically when driving he will get annoyed at other drivers but also in supermarkets, etc. He doesn't have any understanding of what's appropriate behaviour. It's really embarrassing so I refuse to go out in public with him now.

It's really hard to describe but I just think there is something underlying all this behaviour but I don't know what. I don't know if it's just from having a small, enclosed life after being unemployed for so many years or whether it's something else.

Get his blood pressure tested. High blood pressure can cause behaviour like that and can result in a stroke if not medicated

A full range of tests and medication review would be a good idea. Don't want to alarm but some forms of dementia manifest in losing understanding of appropriate behaviour.

He does have high blood pressure but is on medication for it. He also has type 2 diabetes and his behaviour is definitely worse if he's not eaten enough.

I think he has always been like this though, it's just with adulthood you see things a bit clearer. When I look back on my childhood I think this behaviour was always there.

He is abusive and may also have some form of untreated personality disorder. Emotionally healthy people do not ever act like he does. He does this too because he can and it works for him.

What if anything do you know about his own family background, that often gives clues. Regardless of why he is the ways he is it is not your fault.

I would be encouraging your mother to get out of that nightmare of a marriage, and you should go very low contact. Your father is abusive.

Your mother has been worn down by his abuses of her too. He has been abusive to you all and she in turn has failed to protect any of you from the excesses of his behaviour.

You need to be careful going forward with regards to relationships because your parents have taught you very damaging lessons on this. You really cannot afford to replicate your parent’s dysfunctional relationship in your own relationship.

My father went this way in his older age. Turned out much later it was the beginnings of vascular dementia. He too had high blood pressure and eventually developed diabetes - it’s all part of the same thing (metabolic syndrome). I’d agree with others that you can try to get him a medication/health review but sadly one thing about dementia is that he might well insist nothing is wrong and refuse to get medical help.

FWIW I used to say almost exactly the same thing about my father: he was always a bit of a stubborn sod who liked to get his own way, so it felt as though he’d just become more so and it was hard to tell if he was ill or not. But that’s how vascular dementia often manifests, apparently.

I think it would help to know if there’s a medical reason for his behaviour but really then it’s about the impact of his behaviour on you and the rest of the family. I ended up going VLC for my own sanity for the last couple of years of 15 years or so of this type of behaviour, steadily worsening, and my relationship with the rest of my family probably will never recover. It’s hard. You need to do what’s best for you in the end. You have my sympathies.

Why is he unemployed?

How long would you say he has been like this for? How did he get on when working?

Also how does he get along with friends or extended family? Sorry so many questions!

Depression and anxiety are common bedfellows of dementia. DIabetes increases the risk significantly too. As does raised blood pressure. Is he or has he ever been a smoker?
Dementia magnifies existing personality traits. It's not just forgetfulness.
Suggest a healthcheck with GP to include a memory assessment or get the GP to call him in under th guise of one. If he refuses though you're somewhat stuck moving forward with that.

I see he's already been diagnosed with anxiety.
I too have anxiety and I totally understand the overwhelmed issues you describe.
Being unemployed seems to be making your Dad feel depressed and useless and feeling this way is making him angry too. He may already have had issues but they now are exacerbated due to his situation.
So sad.
Talking to the Dr. and having a health MOT is a good idea however I'd no t be surprised if these issues are down to the already diagnosed depression and anxiety.

Is he adequately treating the depression and anxiety with medication and/or therapy?

OP has stated that this is not new behaviour. It seems much more characteristic of abuse.

I have a long history of depression and anxiety, and I don’t go round indulging in the behaviour OP describes from her father. Not a valid excuse.

I agree with Antillia - has he ever worked?
He sounds very lazy and he is controlling.
It sounds like he has always been like this.
Do you feel like your treading on eggshells talking to him.
He sounds like he needs to be appeased by everyone.
He’s very selfish.
You mum is providing everything - he’s not to depressed to drive!!!!
I’d move out if you haven’t already and detach.
Life isn’t all about him.

I do wonder why it is OK on MN to suggest mental health problems or dementia but not autism. So bizarre.

Thankyou @baldafrique Could it be I know a lot about the subject too and can relate to the OPs fathers challenging behaviours as well...

@baldafrique it is inappropriate to diagnose autism because:

• autism is not straightforward to diagnose. If it is, why are there such long waiting lists? It needs a highly qualified individual to give a formal diagnosis.

• the average person’s understanding of autism is based on myths they commonly hear trotted out on sites like this. Eg we have no empathy and don’t care what others think.

• autism is not an illness or disease - it means a different wiring. My normal May not be your normal (yet I am judged as I’m in the minority).

• in most cases where a poster is suggesting autism it is when a OP has posted about an abusive relationship. So suggesting autism further stigmatises autistic people and perpetuates the myths.

Re other MH conditions - in some cases it may be appropriate to suggest eg anxiety or depression and that the OP seeks support. I don’t have experience with dementia but perhaps there are signs that other posters can help?

But the continual trotting out of autism as an explanation for abuse is tiresome. An abusive person is an abusive person irrespective of their brain wiring.

And again, why is it OK to suggest MH problems or dementia?

If these can be SUGGESTED, then so can ASD. Noone is diagnosing, but they are allowed to suggest, without censorship.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He is abusive and may also have some form of untreated personality disorder. Emotionally healthy people do not ever act like he does. He does this too because he can and it works for him.

What if anything do you know about his own family background, that often gives clues. Regardless of why he is the ways he is it is not your fault.

I agree with Attila. He may have high blood pressure, but that will almost certainly be an effect, not a cause.