There's something wrong with my Dad but I don't know what

[rtgfgyh]

There is something off about my Dad's behaviour but I have never known what it is. He is diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I think there's more to it than that.

• He's unemployed but gets very overwhelmed over the smallest things now if it's something he doesn't want to do (for example, doing the food shopping AND having to go to the post office in one day). He hates any kind of responsibility, for example he was really overwhelmed and put out when he was asked to take our family cat to a 20 minute vet appointment as everyone else was busy at work/school.
• Shows really, really blatant favouritism among me and my siblings which is really heartbreaking. I'm one of the favourites and my sister resents me for it.
• Gets really fixated on disagreements and arguments. Will often drag me into them to decide who is right, it's always the most banal topic of argument but he gets incredibly angry over it. He will put his foot down and stubbornly refuse to move on from things. Most recent example I can think of is my DM thought she asked him to get milk from the shop when he went but apparently she didn't, not a big deal. Only he didn't see it like that and saw it that she was making him look stupid. He had to go around to everyone who was there "did you hear her ask me to get milk?"
• Is controlling, particularly towards my DM. She has friends and a job and he doesn't and I think he resents that. If she goes out with friends he thinks she is being cruel to him. I've noticed that he will often cause an argument to ruin her mood/day or when she's out he will call her several times and get frustrated if she doesn't answer. He is also very over-protective of me and my sister even though we are young adults.
• He often gets into arguments with people when out. Most typically when driving he will get annoyed at other drivers but also in supermarkets, etc. He doesn't have any understanding of what's appropriate behaviour. It's really embarrassing so I refuse to go out in public with him now.

It's really hard to describe but I just think there is something underlying all this behaviour but I don't know what. I don't know if it's just from having a small, enclosed life after being unemployed for so many years or whether it's something else.

I really don't understand why it's 'disgusting' to suggest autism (which was my first thought too) but labelling someone as abusive, mentally ill or suffering from dementia is fine. Utterly ridiculous comment!

I don't know what's wrong with him but I do know that whatever it is, you can't fix it. If he has been like this your whole life, I suggest you just concentrate on your own self, your relationship with your mother and siblings, and what you want. If you can get your mother out of there I would but I'm guessing it's too late for her.

Do you still live at home?

So with regards to the farotisim specifically, this can be an indicator that the parent has npd.

Look up the 'narcissist - scapegoat vs golden child parenting'.

The narcissist has 'favourites' who can do no wrong. And scapegoats who can never do anything right in their eyes. Often they will play these people off against one another.

*favoritism

@moochooser

I really don't understand why it's 'disgusting' to suggest autism (which was my first thought too) but labelling someone as abusive, mentally ill or suffering from dementia is fine. Utterly ridiculous comment!

At what point have I said that suggesting dementia and other MH conditions is fine? I categorically have not. I am commenting solely on autism as it affects me and my children personally.

As I have already said, it is highly offensive to suggest autism because it is a difficult condition to diagnose and you need substantial amounts of information to do so - that is simply not present in the OPs post.

A GP can diagnose anxiety or depression. It is common and symptoms are well understood. It takes a huge effort to get a diagnosis of autism particularly in adults without learning difficulties. It is extremely complex and very misunderstood and should not be casually suggested by posters on MN (and any professional qualified to diagnose would never, if they have any integrity, diagnose autism from a couple of paragraphs on an online forum)

Get his blood pressure tested. High blood pressure can cause behaviour like that

My ex used to blame high blood pressure when his mother was being particularly toxic. Turns out she is just abusive, as is her son.

A lot of this is very familiar to me. My father has Asperger's. The likelihood of you ever being able to do anything about it is slim to none - in my case my father thinks there can't be a problem with him, the problem must be with everyone else around him. The best you can do is focus on doing the best you can in your own life and don't engage with him anymore than necessary unless he's prepared to accept that his behaviour needs dealing with.

I am one of those highly qualified autism diagnosers and it's certainly one potential explanation.

Let me be clear; not because the father is nasty and abusive.

But because neurodevelopmental differences can sometimes produce behaviour that others who are neurotypical may experience or interpret as controlling or irrational when this was in no way the intent. By and large autistic people are just trying to live their lives and don't go around being deliberately mean. However one of the issues with being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world is that your intentionality can be constantly misinterpreted.

It's certainly a possibility, OP, that he might be autistic. Or it might be something else. It's not disgusting to suggest it as a possibility.

Everyone has their own less salubrious or difficult personality traits. But if said traits are impacting that persons life/work/relationships to a great degree, and if said traits have always been Problematic, Pervasive and Persistent then it could be indicative of a personality disorder. There are 10 different types and many overlap quite a bit. MIND has some good info on the different types and how they present.

Also it’s common for someone with a PD to be dx with one or more ‘axis 1’ disorders (eg depression, anxiety, ocd, ptsd etc) first. GPs can diagnose ‘axis 1’ disorders relatively simply and don’t always look at the bigger picture/underlying stuff.

A PD is an ‘axis 2’ disorder which means it requires more thorough assessing and formulating to dx. GPs don’t generally have the time/expertise for this. Has your dad ever seen a psychiatrist or been under a CMHT?

www.mind.org.uk/media/7568/personality-disorders-2020-downloadable-pdf-version.pdf

This is a helpful document for patients/families. My guess is you’ll find your dad here somewhere.

Agree with pp that he’s not going to change so best to put your energy into minimising the impact of his behaviour on you rather that on figuring out what wrong with him.

@AvaCallanach

The comment I referred to as disgusting - and I stand by that - is this one

Your Dad sounds autistic to me. Would explain all those behaviours

Whilst as you point out, there are some behaviours in the OP which could be due to autism, they could also be due to many other things. So whilst autism in some cases should be considered, it is completely inappropriate to categorically state autism.

On a daily basis here, an OP describes some form of abusive behaviour and autism is given as the explanation. With no distinction between PDA, Asperger’s or HFA. As an autistic person (Asperger’s) it is extremely upsetting so he so much misunderstanding.

Some empathy towards autistic people would be extremely welcome. Neurotypical behaviour can cause us tremendous pain and anxiety - mostly without intent. But we’re supposed to suck it up, whilst autistic people get chastised for exhibiting. Dhabi out that a NT person finds unacceptable. The asymmetry is very stark.

@JustFedUpOfThis

I absolutely agree. It is a constant source of bewilderment to me how very poor many NT people are at empathy and thinking into the mindset of autistic people to understand how a particular behaviour has arisen, whilst simultaneously expecting autistic people to learn to "speak NT" simply because they are the majority brain type. It's very ironic.

NT cognition is not as flexible or empathic as it likes to think.

What does OP think....do you think your dad is deliberately being controlling or inflexible, or do you think this might be symptomatic of an underlying difficulty?

He sounds like a common or garden asshole to me, never mind medical diagnoses.

Thankyou @AvaCallanach neurodiversity is manifested in some of the behaviours the OP describes I agree e.g. ' fixated', inability to cope well when plans are changed, multiple tasks, instruction taking from others, last minute changes, inability to hold down a job, appearing rude to others when it's probably not the intention, I could go on.... OP take a look on line and see if you recognise these traits in your Dad. If so, it might better help you understand him and how he might just be wired differently.

You can get every diagnosis on here if you want.

What stands out to me is 'he is depressed and unemployed', that means he has all the time in the world to think and worry and ruminate endlessly. When depressed even small tasks seem a mountain and if you do very little, just one thing can be hard to face.

It's horrible for him and it's horrible to be at the receiving end of. Combine that with all the personality traits (good and bad) that makes a person and the way this person has been treated/catered to and perhaps you end up with your dad?

I know this doesn't help you, but perhaps it's an explanation? I would think the way forward was medication, councelling and something to fill up his day.

@SharpLily This. Look after yourself first. Your DF wont/cant change.

My Dad would I am sure have an autism diagnosis if he was younger.
He is in his late 70s, has no friends, and never really has. He has acquaintances, but always doesn't really listen when they talk. He has subjects he wants to talk about at length : cars and the weather.
If I, or anyone else, doesn't answer the phone he keeps ringing till they do, despite me asking him not to.
He doesn't pick up on basic social cues, will stop by and ask for a cup of tea, when I am working.
If I tell him I can't talk now and will call him back, he doesn't hang up till he's told me about why he called etc
He is super picky about food and its texture.
He can't understand why Local shops don't stock his favourite foods, green pringles, prawn sandwiches, lemon squash, choc ices, because "they are what everyone likes".
As he has got older he cannot cope with more than one thing happening a day.
I find carefully managing my interactions with him, 2 phone calls a day at fixed times. See him in person once or twice a week at weekends.
Made it very clear that he can't come in, if he pops by and I am busy, so he needs to phone first. Etc.
Actually saying "time to go home Dad" if he has overstayed.
I have asked him to write things down and tell me them when he calls morning or evening but he still calls more frequently.
He is hard work.

There is also significant comorbidity between ASD and PD.

Whether its intentional or not, its damn upsetting to the OP and her family so she needs to protect herself from it.

@baldafrique

Whether its intentional or not, its damn upsetting to the OP and her family so she needs to protect herself from it.

Well maybe. If we run with the autism hypothesis for a minute, I find in relation to my autistic family members that once you understand the autistic mind that behaviours make total sense within that context and are both experienced as less upsetting and are handled differently, as a teaching/ understanding moment instead of taking it personally. Though the OP's father may be too old and set in his ways for that.

Example: anger about whether mum asked for milk is possibly to do with a sense of injustice at being blamed for something unfairly. The principle is perceived as more important than the import of the omission. Then self justification becomes more important and is the autistic person trying to protect themselves from what they perceive as an injustice, which they perceive as very important, rather than someone banging on about a trivial milk issue and trying to prove others wrong. If you "get" this you may react to the behaviour differently by calming the person, reminding them it doesn't matter, that they may have been an error, milk is easy to buy etc. Rather than perceiving it as bullying.

@WyldStallions puts it perfectly!

Depends if OP's DF ever went for a diagnosis though doesnt it...if he doesnt...then what next for the OP aside from protecting herself?