Does it usually last with the OW?

[lucy5236]

In your experience when an Ex shacks up with the OW does it work long term?
In my case he didn't leave for her. I found out about the affair, split with my ex, the OW stayed with her then husband for a while. They've since split and her and my ex are now together.

I'm not asking from the POV that I want my ex back, i have absolutely zero interest in that. I had just initially assumed it wouldn't last but it's been a while now. The reason I care is that the OW is now part of my DS's life

I don't think there is a 'usually' in these stories. Some last some don't. Sorry that's not very helpful

My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our child - I left him and he ended up with her after a year of being single - he then stayed with that woman for 4 years.

He then went on to cheat on her with the woman he is currently with; but has cheated on her; at least 4 times that I know of - and every time he cheats she has another child to keep him .... so who knows

Men that cheat are just cheats I believe and don't change

When mine left for the OW it lasted a couple of years, apparently they were volatile years....he's now on to god knows who....he is still living alone with his dog. Couldn't care less really, I am happy and moved on ages ago.

That sounds similar @herewegoagain9876
My ex started the affair when my DS was 3 weeks old - I suspect it actually started during the pregnancy but that's his version.

The fact that they didn't get together for a while after the affair was exposed makes me feel like it wasn't like they were head over heels in love. The OW stayed with her DH despite them not having any kids etc.

Also, when I found out about the affair my ex was really really vulgar about the OW, said it was just sex and he knew he'd completely lowered his standards but who else was going to shag a married man with a newborn behind his wives back? Basically said she was his only option. Appreciate this might sound like he was just saying that as he's been caught but he also told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for the past 2 years and we both agreed it was 100% over.....

Fast forward a couple of years and they're now together but from what I hear there is zero trust and he's a complete control freak. They've just bought a big family house together with a joint mortgage and my DS is living with them part time. Other wise I wouldn't have the slightest interest in his love life

@litterbird

When mine left for the OW it lasted a couple of years, apparently they were volatile years....he's now on to god knows who....he is still living alone with his dog. Couldn't care less really, I am happy and moved on ages ago.

I'm actually genuinely happy too and moved on from my ex. Had another serious relationship since and now happily single enjoying dating

It's the fact my DS is living with them part time that I find strange and I'm surprised it seems to be lasting, although from what I hear from shared friends and his family (who I'm still close to) he seems pretty miserable and under the thumb.

While him happy for him to be miserable it's not really the best environment for my DS to be living in 50% of the time

I don't think there is a usual. Life isn't fair and sometimes people end up happier and in better relationships because they cheat.

I think it would be better to focus on building a rich and interesting life for yourself so you stop caring whether or not they last. It must be hard to send your child off to the OW but I think the main thing for your son is that she's kind to him and makes him feel welcome.

In my (not personal!- people I know) experience, yes.

@lucy5236 you're in the same situation as me to be honest with 50/50 etc

I genuinely don't care what they get up too; as far as I'm concerned he is her problem now and how they chose to live is their decision.

Children are resilient and can see what's what - my only concern was him going from woman to woman and having them both round our child at the same time ..... that now doesn't happen but he's the same; a total control freak and continues his abuse of me - so I've found it better to ignore them completely, reassure your child when they are anxious or worried and build a happy life for you

My ex had tried to come back to me; several times over the years - we are 11 years down the line now lol - so I think I'm doing well with my new life

Some men leave for the OW and split up quite soon after.

Some men leave for the OW and stay forever.

If seen both happen.

But in the latter case, I do wonder whether they’re staying because all the upset and expense of divorce needs to have been ‘worth it’.

And I also wonder how happy can a relationship really be when one partner knows the other is a proven liar and capable of looking someone in the eye and deceiving them repeatedly. Personally I would never be able to trust them but again, I know OW who have turned a blind eye against this obvious character flaw and ploughed on regardless.

I can understand if you suspect your ex’s new relationship is toxic that you would have concerns over your DS being exposed to it. How often does your ex have your DS?

My uncle left his wife back in 1996. His wife still goes on and on about 'that floozy' and 'slapper' and how he 'smashed up the family'. He had met someone else, but nothing had happened between them, he had already checked out of the marriage and would have left anyway, he tells us now.

His wife wasn't blameless; she would take my cousin to school and then go back to bed, then when my uncle came home from work, have a go at him when my (then 5 year old) cousin wanted attention from his dad. Instead of saying something like "daddy has just come in, let's eat together and then we'll have family time later', it was 'Spend some time with your child, I've had him all day and he just wants time with daddy' in front of my cousin.

They didn't discuss anything, and didn't seek counselling. Instead, when he met someone else she proved the catalyst. He's been married longer to his second wife than the first and they're absolutely right together. Where they went wrong was not to talk about the problems. His wife has blamed him for everything going wrong in her life since.

This is probably an exception though. He's not a philanderer. I'd say the majority of married men that cheat are, and go on to do it again.

More likely to last if it’s the only affair they’ve ever had rather than being the kind of sleaze always on the lookout.
But even then it’s still subject to the same stresses and strains as any relationship.

IMO the majority of the time it doesn’t last. In cases I know of where it has, they’re generally utterly miserable but too embarrassed to break up with the ow because then they can’t justify why they’ve abandoned their wife and kids. They have to pretend the only reason they left is because they met the ‘love of their life’, and not just because they’re a cheating gobshite with no morals.

There will always be the odd exception but none I have personally known of in real life (not just online stories where these threads often bring out OWs who gloat about still being with the person they had an affair with 57 years later because they were meant to be and other such far fetched garbage) have ever stayed together any longer than a month or two past getting together after their respective partners had found out.
Hope it all works out for you and they both get what they deserve in the long run. Cheaters are selfish scummy people.

generally utterly miserable but too embarrassed to break up with the ow

I imagine this happens alot too. Nothing like being a cheat and ruining relationships with their families and friends only for it to be all for nothing. IMO they deserve to live in misery scared of inevitable "told you so" by those who advised against it at the time. That could be the sweetest revenge really.

I 100% think this is their position and I worry it will impact my son, especially with him spending so much time in that environment

Otherwise they deserve all they get (the OW was married too and an acquaintance of mine -never a friend - but she knew I was his wife and she knew I was pregnant. Even bought a gift for DS when he was born - after the affair started!!)

Even after all this my ex seems to absolutely hate me with a passion. It's like he's blaming me for his miserable life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, where it has happened within my family it’s lasted. 1 is getting married later this year and the other stayed together over 40 years until 1 died.

They sometimes last, sometimes don't.

Probably mainly last because they have no other option. Usually see there is little trust between them because of how they started. Not really a nice relationship to have.

Wtf lilliola? I’m not even clicking on that

Reported

DH and I were both in unhappy marriages with other people when we met. Both had already been making plans to leave. We left our spouses for each other within 6 weeks. We've been together for several years now (about as long as I had been with my first spouse) and are married with two children. I'm not unhappy or insecure in our marriage; it was an exit affair, neither of us are philanderers, and we are much more compatible than we were with our first spouses. Clearly we should have ended our marriages before we laid a finger on each other and I deeply regret not having done so, but we were both making concrete plans to leave our spouses before we met, so I don't think our affair was the reason our first marriages failed. I'm not proud of what I did, though, and this certainly isn't a "gloating" post.

@TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong

Reported

Did you click on it? Anyone know what it was? It’s appeared on about 5 of the threads I’ve been looking at

The ones I knew were together for many years. They got married and were trying for a baby. I’d say they had got to the point where everyone had accepted their relationship (including her very very religious parents).

And then he shagged someone else in their bed.

My exH left me and our 3 DC for his OW. As much as I’d like karma to bite him they seem blissfully happy 10 years later. 🤷🏻‍♀️