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Original poster

Does this sound like he doesn't desire me anymore after 14 years??

35 replies

mostotherstuffisgreat · 08/05/2021 23:39

14 years together. DC.

The past 18 months/ 2 years DP has been what you'd call pretty selfish sexually. We used to have a really good sex life, until about 4 years ago. The past 2 years - 18 months have been awful.

The strange thing is, he still initiates regularly. I have a suspicion it's blow jobs he's mostly after though as that's pretty much all he talks about sex-wise. He does initiate intercourse too about a quarter of the time, but I have a feeling it's just because he knows it'd be outright obvious if he just asked for oral every time.

Sex - he's stopped most kissing, stopped giving me oral, doesn't undress me anymore, only interested in my boobs if I'm on top. It's quickies only. I got so upset over the past year that now he does touch me before sex but he barely moves and looks incredibly bored.

I'm so sad Sad Sad. I feel unwanted and really insecure. Yes I've changed a little physically (it's nothing I can change - don't want to be too outing saying what).

I've broached the subject til I'm blue in the face. asked of it's to do with my looks. He maintains I'm just trying to start arguments and brushes off everything, ignores me or point blank refuses to discuss. Sometimes he'll say he'll make more effort, but doesn't. I don't want someone who has to make effort to be interested in me!!

We get on otherwise brilliantly - we are great companions and he likes intimacy like snuggling up together and in bed, we make each other laugh, do things together. But the sex thing is poisoning everything now. I feel I can't go on like this, I feel like crying regularly. I don't want to split up but when he won't talk what can I do??

He has no ED issues everything in working order. I don't pressure him either - it's the quality/engagement, not the quantity.

I'd like honest opinions please - does it sound like he just doesn't desire me anymore but still wants me around??

OP posts:
Osirus · 09/05/2021 00:57

It’s hard for anyone to answer this I think, but he definitely sounds lazy! I can understand that you would feel hurt, we have ups and downs with our sex life and when it feels like he’s not interested in me it’s incredibly hurtful.

I don’t know what to suggest but didn’t want to leave your post unanswered. I do know that men really hate talking about sex and it’s almost impossible. Maybe suggesting relationship counselling might encourage him to open up? You deserve his honesty.

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 01:30

There's no way he'd go for relationship counselling. I've asked in the past - it's a never.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is the end.

It's really hurting cause we get on so well - I know he loves me. He wants me around all the time (not in a controlling way), he'll pick me up early from work - even though I have a bus pass - just so we can watch a film together, he's always trying to get us time on our own to do our hobbies, always calling me to talk politics etc. I just think the desire has died. Sad Sad.

He has very little desire for me nowadays. He asks for oral most of the time, and initiates the most boring sex - completely perfunctory. It's not an age thing either as he was late 20s with previous relationships under his belt when we met and he's now 40s. The first 10 years our sex life was amazing, even with us having young DC. I've no idea what happened Sad Sad.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/05/2021 01:49

What would happen if you told him no to his selfish sex demands?

As in, you get nothing from these encounters so unless he is willing to give to you, he'll get what he gives to you, which is nothing.

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 01:57

@RantyAnty He sulks a little (as in for 15 mins, usually a request for oral which I say no to a lot now as I resent it), then later he initiates intercourse - but he is uninterested as in barely touches me, but he does climax. Then the next few days asks for oral.

I have tried that approach ie you give nothing to me you'll get nothing - but I don't want to 'force' him to want me - I'd rather leave than that.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/05/2021 01:58

No more blow jobs until he reciprocates.

That’ll sort it.

And stop asking him questions that make you sound needy and pleading.

Let him do some pleading.

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 02:08

The thing is though, it doesn't sort it. I see what you are saying, but I'd rather leave than have to coerce him into wanting me. It all feels so bleak right now. There are many good aspects, but 14 years and changes in my appearance in - he doesn't seem to desire me - yet still loves me. Sad Sad

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 09/05/2021 07:10

Sounds like he still wants the physical act, but it’s become boring for him, so it’s sex and not love making any more.

Unfortunately I have no real suggestions other than no sex for a while, then you initiate and ask for what you want

Sakurami · 09/05/2021 07:57

Can you say you won't continue having such disinterested and selfish sex?

Sunflower1970 · 09/05/2021 08:48

Men can be lazy sometimes when it comes to sex if they think they can get away with it. I think you need to be matter of fact and a bit more forthright. He is initiating perfunctory sex but are you asking for what you want whilst you are doing it? Tell him you want oral first before you give it to him !

chocolateorangeinhaler · 09/05/2021 10:19

Have you asked specifically why he doesn't want PIV sex or to perform oral on you anymore?
The last 18 months have been tough for everyone. We are all at the end of our tether, maybe he's just plain gone off it and is doing the bare minimum to keep you sweet. Just because a man gets an erection doesn't mean they necessarily want sex. Are there any other issues with depression or antidepressants? These are notorious for causing issues such as inability to climax making sex a chore with no happy ending for anyone. Unfortunately docs couldn't care less. All SSRI meds have the same effect no matter what brand you take.

Naunet · 09/05/2021 10:36

We are all at the end of our tether, maybe he's just plain gone off it and is doing the bare minimum to keep you sweet

How is a woman giving oral sex to a man, with nothing in return, keeping HER sweet?!

crimsonlake · 09/05/2021 10:51

Tell him no in future and remind him that your sex life with him is all one sided now and you are doing all the work. See what he has to say to that.

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 11:23

The issues started before the pandemic. It's been like a gradual withdrawing of most mutual aspects of sex starting about 4 years ago. He's not on any medication.

I could ask him to do things for me during, and he would definitely do it, but it's really not the same as him doing things because he wants to. It's humiliating. Same with withholding oral and sex - I suspect he'd step up sharpish, but again it wouldn't be because he genuinely wants to, and that's so off-putting for me.

Re PIV sex - he does enjoy the act itself, I can tell by the look on his face during and he does 'finish'. I think he is not attracted to me anymore though because he doesn't pay any attention to my body pretty much at all. He just rolls over, robotically touches me 'there' for a short time whilst looking like he's going to fall asleep, then puts it in. basically Blush Blush, or he'll ask for doggy or he'll tell me to 'jump on' (yes seriously!!).

I don't think it's just laziness because he knows I want more, he knows I'm upset about it, he's seen me cry about it ffs. I think he doesn't desire me anymore so just wants oral and the act of sex and doesn't want to do anything else. Surely if it were just laziness or boredom he'd change it.

It used to be so different. For 10 years it was great.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 09/05/2021 11:26

Any chance he's had his head turned?

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 11:38

I very very much doubt it @AfterSchoolWorry. He works from home and without being outing, it's a completely solo job, he doesn't have contact with anyone at work. He doesn't have friends he didn't keep in touch with them. I suppose he could've had his head turned at the shops, whilst walking the dog, or something, literally he goes nowhere else.

It's not my doing, I'm always encouraging him to go out, he just doesn't want to. It's strange - he wants to do everything with me and the DC, or just me, but doesn't seem to want me sexually. Could be porn I suppose, but I know he's not using it often (I just know iyswim), if at all. Maybe he uses porn sometimes and the women are much more attractive than me and my changed appearance.

He won't talk about it at all. Just gets annoyed when I bring it up saying he's 'sick of this', 'I've already told you', or at best 'this is how I am now' or 'I'm just comfortable'.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 09/05/2021 11:58

I think maintaining sexual attraction in a long term relationship can be challenging. And some find it easier than other.
Hard as it is to deal with - it’s not personal.
There is a book - Mating in Captivity. Can give you some perspective/ideas, maybe?

Reinventinganna · 09/05/2021 11:59

You say that you’ve changed a little physically. Are you happy with yourself? Could he be picking up on your unhappiness with your body?

IsItJustMeOrYou · 09/05/2021 12:54

You said he is not controlling and also say that he wants you around, he picks you up from work, he wants sex on his terms.....

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 12:55

@MMmomDD Thanks, I have that on Kindle and I'll start reading it.

@Reinventinganna No I'm really unhappy with myself physically. The rest of me I'm happy with but this one thing that's changed - no not at all. It's a pretty uncommon/unusual issue and there's no way to fix it. Well none I have any hope of affording anyway. OH says he doesn't mind, but his withdrawing began around the same time as my body changed, so maybe he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 12:58

Honestly, he's not controlling. He doesn't mind if I go out or anything, he just picks me up so we can get time to watch tv together as my commute is way longer on public transport. What I mean by he always wants me around is he includes me in pretty much all his hobbies - he even tried to get me to go fishing Hmm Hmm.

OP posts:
cinders15 · 09/05/2021 12:59

Could he be watching a lot of porn? That can de-sensitise and want more "quickies" and blow jobs?

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
mostotherstuffisgreat · 09/05/2021 13:28

@cinders15 He maybe watches it, but I'm pretty certain not a lot of it.

What did the deleted message say please??

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 09/05/2021 13:34

OP - are you the same poster who was on here with something similar and her hairloss?

Imjustsootired · 09/05/2021 13:40

OP you're so no alone. My and DH together 17 years ... he loves me, its obvious, and always wants me around which is annoying.... but sex? Meh. Blow job or rolled on my side. No foreplay. He squeezes my boob as he cums...that's it. Sex lasts about 5 mins. Boring as shit and no effort.

Yet he seems to be so in love! Our relationship has been fucked for a while, for different reasons, but this lack of desire ( he says all the right things...look at you
so sexy! My gorgeous girl
...youre my world.... but actions dont match when it comes to sex.

Its laziness, complacency, also the simple fact that you've been together a long time. It can get boring, no two ways about it.

With my DH, it was porn. Discovered it all a couple of years back and it ruined our marriage although he has tried so hard to minimise it and brush it under the carpet. I've pretended to do the same but his actions killed our marriage. Porn, looking at dating sites, endless searches for various naked women, it went on and on. Shit ,.lazy sex was one of the reasons I looked at his phone in the first place.

It may just be boredom on his part. It happens.... wants his sexual needs dealt with but couldn't give two shits if you're satisfied.

If you're certain hes not cheating, then you should walk. I didn't. I had an affair to feel desired etc and that made it all 10 times worse.

Good luck OP xxx