Does this sound like he doesn't desire me anymore after 14 years??

[mostotherstuffisgreat]

14 years together. DC.

The past 18 months/ 2 years DP has been what you'd call pretty selfish sexually. We used to have a really good sex life, until about 4 years ago. The past 2 years - 18 months have been awful.

The strange thing is, he still initiates regularly. I have a suspicion it's blow jobs he's mostly after though as that's pretty much all he talks about sex-wise. He does initiate intercourse too about a quarter of the time, but I have a feeling it's just because he knows it'd be outright obvious if he just asked for oral every time.

Sex - he's stopped most kissing, stopped giving me oral, doesn't undress me anymore, only interested in my boobs if I'm on top. It's quickies only. I got so upset over the past year that now he does touch me before sex but he barely moves and looks incredibly bored.

I'm so sad . I feel unwanted and really insecure. Yes I've changed a little physically (it's nothing I can change - don't want to be too outing saying what).

I've broached the subject til I'm blue in the face. asked of it's to do with my looks. He maintains I'm just trying to start arguments and brushes off everything, ignores me or point blank refuses to discuss. Sometimes he'll say he'll make more effort, but doesn't. I don't want someone who has to make effort to be interested in me!!

We get on otherwise brilliantly - we are great companions and he likes intimacy like snuggling up together and in bed, we make each other laugh, do things together. But the sex thing is poisoning everything now. I feel I can't go on like this, I feel like crying regularly. I don't want to split up but when he won't talk what can I do??

He has no ED issues everything in working order. I don't pressure him either - it's the quality/engagement, not the quantity.

I'd like honest opinions please - does it sound like he just doesn't desire me anymore but still wants me around??

Not to hijack the thread but what can be done when one person (or both) lose the desire? It's happened to me before in a 10 year relationship. It's really hard if every thing else is great and you're both still very much in love. Is it naive to expect desire in long term relationships? Do we just have to accept it?

Honesty it sounds like porn.

He's forgotten how much better mutually satisfying sex is rather than some fantasy porn in his head where he has to make zero effort.

I'm not surprised you are feeling so down and dejected.

OP.. it is absolutely possible that he really truly loves you but doesn't fancy you because of what has changed.

We are no different from the other species in the animal world whereby the INITIAL prompt for mating is sexual attraction. That attraction is not really in our conscious control. What attracts one person can repel another.
Personally I find big men, piercings, tattoos and facial /overly hairy bodies deeply unattractive in men. For others all of those things are highly desirable..

Where we are different to animals is the long term love thing. Which is quite different to sexual attraction. If my DH went out tomorrow and got a couple of piercings a tattoo and grew a moustache.. I would not be impressed , would feel less sexually attracted but would not fundamentally love him less...

I have been in your situation. I met DH as a size 8, 40 something. (2nd marriage) sex was wild and fantastic. I developed a condition that required steroid treatment for 6 years a d before long was a size 18. Sex stopped when I got to size 14. Not from my lack of desire but because DH developed ED.. he literally found me sexually unattractive. Devastating. He never once said anything and made some pathetic apology about blood pressure but I know what was what. It's no ones 'fault' - it's pretty shit though. 5 years later and weight loss surgery later.. our sex life is retuning . However at no point did I doubt his love. Sex is great but love is real and precious. I would never trade it.

You talk about him initiating... do you initiate? If it's on him to initiate when he wants, then I think that will eventually lead to a selfish sex life.

Does sounds like sexual boredom to me, especially if he is doing all the initiating.
When I was married, the first few years were good, but after a few years my wife stopped “trying”, didn’t initiate, did do really anything in the bedroom and I just got bored & did what I needed to do, no effort required

Sorry to sound harsh, but if you want less but better sex, you are going to do 50% of the work, have less sex, initiate more often and be more demanding, desire works both was, sounds like he is not feeling it either

@JustAnotherOldMan Do you think it sounds like he's not attracted to me anymore physically?? I could make effort if it was just sexual boredom, but it would be too humiliating to make lots of effort to turn things around if he just isn't into me physically anymore. I'm sure he'd respond and be kind about it but I'd be really hurt,

@mostotherstuffisgreat Only your husband can answer that question, but if he still WANTS to have sex with you, then yes I would say he’s still attracted to you
, but again it sounds like you’re allowing your husband to get what he wants with by putting in least amount of effort.
I know it come as a shock, but men want to be wanted as well !

This is a toughie because I agree he loves you OP. Wants to be around you, cares about you, wants your opinion about interests and discussions. He sounds really into you. But the disinterested quickie sex is not good. And I agree whilst you shouldn't just be there to service his desires, going down the "well I won't do this to punish you / teach you a lesson" is not helpful either. I think you need to keep the lines of communication, and kindness, open.

I do think you need to ask him if he's not into you physically anymore. And I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have that conversation. But you need to know and he needs to be (kindly and constructively) honest. I do believe he loves you and wants you, but you do need to have that conversation as only he can give you the answers.

@JovialNickname

I have asked and asked him if he's not into me physically anymore. I've asked in all different ways, including being direct.

He always say he is still attracted to me, but I am pretty sure he'd say that anyway as he hates confrontation. If we weren't so serious then maybe, but after such a long time together, DC, and he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, then I don't think he'd ever admit to not fancying me anymore. He'd be too worried of the fallout and what it'd do to the relationship. Doesn't help me though as I just wonder and wonder.

Op I mean this gently, but have you posted this before and named the appearance issue as mmmomdd asked?

It reads very similar.