I'm stuck aren't I ?

[opinionminion]

Please please help, I am so absolutely conflicted and it's exhausting me. I cannot talk to anyone in RL
2 years ago I left my partner of 6 years, I adored him, I would have died for him. He became abusive; emotionally, physically, financially, sexually.
Leaving him was absolutely the hardest thing I had ever done. He was a text book case. Through the help of a Domestic abuse Police officer and my wonderful friends and family I managed to leave whilst he was at work.

I am 65k lighter ... and am living in a tiny/minute rented bungalow. I am paying £450 a month off of debts taken in my name for him. He also gave me Herpes and I cannot tell you how ashamed I am. My sexual health is ruined. (I have slept with 3 people in my life, I am 50)

My career has taken off massively since being on my own. I have some of my confidence back. I feel ok.

Recently I have met a really nice, genuine man and we have had quite a few walking dates. We get on so well and ordinarily I could see a future together. He feels the same.
I have backed off even kissing him.

Recently also, the abuser has started to send me money into my bank account (£150 per month) and has sent me a letter to my work promising me he has changed and wants us to start again. That he is sorry, he was wrong and it won't happen again.
I am struggling financially and literally scraping through each week.
I have used the money. I have welcomed it.

It suddenly hit me today that I would never be able to have a sexual relationship with this new man, or any man because I would never ever ever be able to say I have Herpes, I would rather boil my own eyeballs.

So I am stuck aren't I ? I actually feel it's the abuser or nobody ... if I want a relationship it will have to be him. I am tied to him aren't I ? Actually tied to him because of what he has done to me financially and by giving me Herpes. If I can't move past this it's got to be him hasn't it ?

What on earth do I do ? I literally want to scream ......

Whatever you do don't go back to the abuser.

No, you are not tied to him. That is absolutely ridiculous, but you can't see that because you're not thinking clearly. You are only having to rely on his money each month because you're paying off his debt! I've known two people with HIV have serious long term relationships so I'm sure that you can do the same with herpes. This man will destroy you. Stay away.

Op lots of congratulations from me to you. You've done one of the most hardest things any woman can do.(leaving an abusive man) I'm so sorry you are going through this please understand that herpes is a virus and can be contracted without sex. Please don't let that put you off haveing a loving sexual relationship. Cold sores are herpes if you have no spots or symptoms its unlikely it would be passed on. Anyway most of the population have some kind of herpes virus it's a risk we all take especially when it comes to kissing. I'm so sure your gp would tell you that. Sounds like you've met someone you like and that's extremely off-putting? Please don't let it be. You never know about anyone sexual health even if they say I've had this or that as many times theirs no symptoms and diseases get transferred unknown. Forget about your ex and move on to more of a pleasant man.

Op you are not stuck by the way. You've got more freedom then you did have.

Oh honey, this is tough but do not crack now.

He has not changed, if he had he wouldn't be sending you letters trying to lure you back. He is thinking about himself, not you.

Herpes is surprising common (1 in 6 Americans apparently). Obviously you should not have sexual contact if you have lesions and you should practice safe sex. It is a conversation to have with any guy you are interested in when you are ready. No, it's not ideal, but it is also not the end of your love life!

Things are on the up for you. This wont be forever.

No it doesn’t. And I’m saying that as someone who currently could not even contemplate another relationship because of abusive ex.

But I refuse to say never. I refuse to let his shame and cowardice ruin any more of my life.

You may currently feel you could never broach the herpes subject, and it may take you a long time, outside help, maybe your new interest might bring up something similar himself and that becomes an opening for you, or indeed maybe you may never actually bring it up ever.

But even so you are not bound to the abusive ex, it’s not new relationship vs him, the main choice you have is to love and respect yourself - that will always, always lead to a better outcome than any relationship with another person.

He may be trying to buy his way into your life, you may feel guilty about taking the money but if you write down the debts he left you to deal with and mark each £150 off that amount then you will hopefully shift that thinking into “He is paying off his own debts and I do not have to be grateful in any way for him doing what he should have done in the first place”

One of the most important things for me was addressing my own feelings and giving myself time to think/feel before acting.

You are free of the abuser, he is making payments to address his debt burden he left you with, you have work you enjoy, you have a good rapport with the new fella.

You don’t have to go faster than you’re ready to

I know various people with genital herpes in happy, long term relationships. Please don't close that avenue for yourself based on fear. It's just a virus. Most of us are carrying various viruses around and approximately 20% of adults in the UK have genital herpes. It just involves being careful around outbreaks. Some people will be put off by it, some won't. Don't let the arsehole control the rest of your life as well. You have no reason to be ashamed OP, none at all. It will take some courage to bring up the subject with this man but I think it's worth a punt. He may surprise you. There are a number of websites giving tips on how to share the information with a partner. Get informed and then you will be in a better place to share that information with a potential partner.

Thank you all ... I have not had any Herpes symptoms from the first bout ... 3 years ago. Having said that I haven't had sex since leaving him either. I will go to the GP for a chat/reassurance. I know there are anti viral drugs (I had them at the time) I feel so ashamed.
The money - Thankyou for putting this into perspective. I will read it down as suggested.
I am trying so hard, thank you for all of your replies which have made me cry !
It's hard to stay strong ... I thought I would just be on my own forever.
I never once thought I had a possibility of a future.

I have an awful "woman issue" that really affects sex but I've still found a good man who loves me. The right one won't falter. Don't go back to this twat, he doesn't deserve you xx

You have all given me more hope than I thought I ever had.

the abuser is trying to hoover you in because he wants to have another shot at destroying you
dont engage

Oh darling.
Please don't go back. Please.

I can understand how you feel about the new man/STI. I am slightly younger than you (mid 40s) but my last long term partner had been infected by one of his previous partners.
He told me (via message as he felt so awkward) as he felt it was something I should know. He never had sex around a flare up (which he'd very rarely had) but he thought I ought to know.
It must've been awful for him to tell me but he did. Did it change the way I felt? No. Did we have a fulfilling and fun sex life? Yes. Did it ever affect me? No.
There is hope.
Please please don't go back.
Well done on moving forward in your career too.

Do not go back to the abuser!
Of course you can have a relationship when you have herpes, it’s just one of those things. I agree see your G.P for reassurance and take things slowly with the new man.

23% of adults in the UK and US having antibodies to HSV-2. Bare in mind these are only the ones who have had serology testing.
I know lots of people who have Herpes. I also come from a job where I’ve seen it regularly.
It really is not a life sentence. I appreciate it has clearly been very tough for you to come to terms with, but this is by no means the end of your life. And certainty not a reason to return to your abusive ex.
There are some fantastic support groups on Instagram and Facebook that I’ve signposted many many people too and they really normalise sexual health and being transparent and accountable. Lots of Herpes support groups.
Seeking support is the first step in owning this.
You own the virus- it does not own you. Take control. Be transparent with your partners. But first be transparent with yourself. Don’t be afraid for it to roll off of your tongue. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Also bare in mind... 23% of adults in the UK may have antibodies.... but I can tell you from job experience it’s a hell of a lot more who are undiagnosed on paper. I would hazard an educational guess at most likely 1:3 carry the virus either in type 1 or 2 form. Some are just not symptomatic!
Now go out there and live your life.... :)

One of my best friends has been dating a woman who has herpes for almost a year now. They take precautions and he’s very philosophical about it - it happens, it’s common, etc. Don’t lose hope, there are people out there who don’t react really badly to this sort of sexual issue.

From what my friend says, so long as you are careful and don’t have unprotected sex during a flare up it’s not a big deal anyhow. That’s how he sees it.

On a separate note, if you’re struggling to pay that debt amount each month would you consider reaching out to a debt management charity who may be able to help you?

Could you get some counselling to come to terms with having herpes? You definitely shouldn't be feeling so ashamed about it.

And I agree with PPs, your ex owes you that money. Don't even think about meeting him or even replying to his letter. He is trying to control you again.

And well done for getting away!

Please don’t be ashamed and please don’t go back. You deserve love, kindness, compassion, being valued.

No no no no. Block the ex immediately.

Block this vile cretin now.

Please do not write yourself off as damaged goods, you can live again with a man who cherishes you.

You have done amazingly well, despite all you have gone through, just reading your post, I was incredibly moved.

Please ... you know you are worth more than your Ex 🌸

You would be insane beyond belief to go back to your abuser. If you really feel you can’t be open with anyone else (and many people would be accepting of herpes - you aren’t unlovable because of it) then you would be better off alone. Truly - no relationship at all would be vastly preferably than becoming complicit in your own abuse by returning to the man you escaped from.

You have all given me a different perspective to my own (perhaps skewed) thoughts towards Herpes.
I think I do need to see a counsellor, I feel full of anger.
Perhaps a debt charity would be able to help yes ... lots of things to think about.
Thank you all for your input, your wisdom and kindness.
I do love my job and it is this that continues to keep me going.

I know how you feel as I also have herpes and just writing that on an anonymous forum I find difficult BUT I had to tell my now husband... it was hard but he was fine and really had he not been then that would have been that and our relationship would have gone no further.
It sounds like if you don't tell him you are going to call an end to the relationship so in that sense you've got nothing to lose...
I do totally get your anxiety though as I was dreading it but regardless never go back to the ex!

You have a virus that causes a blister(s) that may or may not trigger again. Many people carry the virus and don't know. Some have one episode and have nothing again. Others have episodes that eventually stop. You've been fine for 3 years. Practice safe sex, dont have sex if you have an episode. Dont let it rule your life its no different to a coldsore

@opinionminion

You have all given me a different perspective to my own (perhaps skewed) thoughts towards Herpes. I think I do need to see a counsellor, I feel full of anger. Perhaps a debt charity would be able to help yes ... lots of things to think about. Thank you all for your input, your wisdom and kindness. I do love my job and it is this that continues to keep me going.

Counselling is so helpful - both re health and coming to terms with your previous relationship and the damage it has done.

He has taken enough from you, don't let him take anything more.

Please op don't allow him back in. You have shown such strength. The money he is paying back is rightly yours anyway. You do not need to settle for this awful man. I think I would honestly rather be alone than back with the person you describe. All the very best to you x