I'm stuck aren't I ?

[opinionminion]

Please please help, I am so absolutely conflicted and it's exhausting me. I cannot talk to anyone in RL
2 years ago I left my partner of 6 years, I adored him, I would have died for him. He became abusive; emotionally, physically, financially, sexually.
Leaving him was absolutely the hardest thing I had ever done. He was a text book case. Through the help of a Domestic abuse Police officer and my wonderful friends and family I managed to leave whilst he was at work.

I am 65k lighter ... and am living in a tiny/minute rented bungalow. I am paying £450 a month off of debts taken in my name for him. He also gave me Herpes and I cannot tell you how ashamed I am. My sexual health is ruined. (I have slept with 3 people in my life, I am 50)

My career has taken off massively since being on my own. I have some of my confidence back. I feel ok.

Recently I have met a really nice, genuine man and we have had quite a few walking dates. We get on so well and ordinarily I could see a future together. He feels the same.
I have backed off even kissing him.

Recently also, the abuser has started to send me money into my bank account (£150 per month) and has sent me a letter to my work promising me he has changed and wants us to start again. That he is sorry, he was wrong and it won't happen again.
I am struggling financially and literally scraping through each week.
I have used the money. I have welcomed it.

It suddenly hit me today that I would never be able to have a sexual relationship with this new man, or any man because I would never ever ever be able to say I have Herpes, I would rather boil my own eyeballs.

So I am stuck aren't I ? I actually feel it's the abuser or nobody ... if I want a relationship it will have to be him. I am tied to him aren't I ? Actually tied to him because of what he has done to me financially and by giving me Herpes. If I can't move past this it's got to be him hasn't it ?

What on earth do I do ? I literally want to scream ......

You have received a lot of great advice re virus from here, great idea to talk to your doctor or a sexual health clinic perhaps?
You can tell the potential new man when you are ready and it may help him to understand why you want to take things really slowly (he may think you don't like him? We all have our insecurities) you also can be intimate in other ways when you feel ready.
You must not contact your ex in any way, shred his letters. If he sends you money then that's up to him, paying off his debt as he should but doesn't mean you need to ever speak to him about it. If it stops that's shit but you are no worse off.
You say your job is going well, you are doing great and the money will get better

Please do not allow this nasty little man to dominate your life in absentia... he passed this virus to you, he abused you, he left you with his debts...

You have risen, taken control of your life, turned it around and are now moving forward into a new relationship. You have done nothing wrong; you have nothing to apologise for; you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

The £150 is a pathetic attempt to regain control – useful only to clear the debt quicker. Otherwise block all other contact.

Speak only of the facts, the future... any man worth YOUR time and company will understand and accept the circumstances and appreciate the value you bring to his life.
Be proud of yourself, of walking away...of rebuilding your career and regaining your life.

Good luck

I wanted to add... I have a friend who works in research and thinks it is highly likely a herpes vaccination will be available in the next couple of years. So future partners of yours hopefully can be vaccinated but in the meantime someone who really likes you will not be put off!

These thoughts are your abuser speaking. They are what he told you to keep control of you. It will take time to get him out of your head, but you will.

Stay free, keep plugging away. Every day you stay away from him is a day your life moves forward.

You can do it.

One in six adults have HSV-2 (usually genital herpes) and around two thirds have HSV-1. It's really common, chances are your partner is infected with one or both, even if he doesn't know it. The stigma is blown out of proportion. For some people it can get very painful, but it's a blister! It doesn't kill you (unlike HPV, which your partner very likely has if he has had sex with someone).
You can take antivirals to reduce your chances of passing it. Don't have sex when it's active. Other than that, forget about it and be happy.
www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2

Oh OP, you poor thing. If you really like this new man and it starts to progress, then talk to him and tell him about your diagnosis. I think once you have spoken to your GP you will have more confidence in explaining it to the new man (only if you want to obvs). Take the ex’s money as debt repayment but have no other contact. I wish you all the best

You are all so amazing ... have given me hope ... That I am not a disgusting vile person. I am truly comforted at your words.

I dated a man some years ago and when it became clear the relationship was going to become physical I asked him if he had ever had any STI's.

He very calmly told me that he had Herpes. He was very matter of fact, and that led onto a conversation about how to manage it around our sexual relationship.

I was with him for about 9 months, in which time we just avoided sex during the flare ups.

It was no bother, and I certainly didn't think any less or differently towards him. Please try not to be ashamed, it certainly didn't phase me or put me off him in any way.

Hi OP,
I don’t see how your stuck, as others say you take the £150 and use it to write down the existing debt ( as long as it keeps coming).
At some point the new guy will probably want to have sex with you, so you will have to talk about that, and probably the debt as well.
I’m sure your GP can advise and sex, you will probably need to use condoms and follow your GP’s directions.

Sounds like your at the beginning of a new life chapter, enjoy 😊

A nice constructive helpful Thread giving good advice.

Im glad you're seeing things positively OP, as you should. 🌸