People who have night shift partners and DC….

[Frankiethebubblefish]

How do you do it? DH sleeps everyday including day off for obvious reasons. I’m getting to a point where I wish I was ill so I didn’t have to do the days for a break.

DH works six nights a week, I work days with DC who’s 3. This is a straw that broke the camels back moment I think. DC has just found their not apparently well hidden birthday present, I’m just crying as I can’t find the energy to stop them.

For those who’ll say you had DC with DH working nights, yes I did. However, the difference between knowing and living the reality is worlds apart.

Don’t know what I’m looking for really, it is what is, I just feel like a shite mother at the moment.

Will this be his job for the foreseeable future? Is it permanent nights- so no changing shift pattern? Are you a SAHM - sorry not clear from your post?

That sounds really tough. I'm not what you could do but you can't expect someone on night shift to then come home and do childcare and then go back to work. The obvious thing is that your DC needs to go to nursery.

Are you wfh?
Do you have anyone close who could look after your dc to give you a break?
You are obviously overwhelmed and need some help but if your dh is working long hours I'm not sure he's the one who can provide it- unless you're saying he doesn't help over weekends/ holidays too?

Sorry should have said I work full time, normally DC does indeed go to nursery but where we are they’ve been closed awhile and will be for the foreseeable. So I’m working from home whilst DC is at home.

He’s been on nights since I met him and because of management will only ever be on nights.

Yes that's what I was getting to - if DC is 3 then they'll be entitled to 30 Hours childcare at a nursery/preschool if only for the reason then you don't have to try and keep a young child quiet whilst he sleeps upstairs during the day.

I don't think it's fair to expect any "help"
From him during the day etc - working nights is brutal - it's not just a case of doing your 8 hours just at a different time of day

I do sympathise though - whilst DH doesn't work nights he works a very early morning shift and often goes back to bed in the afternoon for a couple of hours - I'm at home with 3 month old twins and at times I've been very resentful to the point I openly say I hate his job and our marriage has definitely changed since he started working it as he's always tired and often goes to bed early and weekends can be a write off

I don’t have family close by, you’re right I should ask friends i don’t know why I can’t seem to bring myself to

@Frankiethebubblefish

Sorry should have said I work full time, normally DC does indeed go to nursery but where we are they’ve been closed awhile and will be for the foreseeable. So I’m working from home whilst DC is at home.

He’s been on nights since I met him and because of management will only ever be on nights.

Gosh this does sound hard if you are WFH full time with a 3 year old.

I did it for 6 months last year and again during lockdown 3 and I almost cried with relief when childcare places reopened

Why are they still closed where you are? I'm guessing you aren't in the U.K.?

@andivfmakes3 I know what you mean, it’s not fair to expect help but it feels like it’s all ok you. Resentful does sum it up, I keep thinking when he gets home he has 4hrs alone time and I’m envious. It scares me how I feel because it’s not DHs fault either

It’s all on you*

I think your main problem here is the nurseries being closed, it's a bit poor of your area as they all seem to be open round here, and a lot stayed open for keyworkers throughout lockdown. Perhaps find another nursery that is open? Do you have any family or friends that you could form a childcare bubble with?
Hopefully, an end is in sight, things may become more normal after June 21 ( unless the India variant scuppers it all). Other than that, you've got a year I'd guess till school age - if you can last that long. At least they are more reliably open than your nurseries seem to be.
6 nights every week seems a rediculous amount and surely most people would not be happy doing that long term, however, if each shift is only 8 hours long, would there be an opportunity to extend to 12 hour shifts so more days off? I work almost full time, but when on nights, I do 3 per week, a much better life balance is obtained that way.

I'd often felt hateful and resentful Of DH because of his working shift - I didn't realise sleep envy was a "thing" Until we had children 🤣

I go back to work full time in a few weeks but am fortunate that childcare is reopen here and the twins have a full time place but I have set out details of a new "regime" with DH for when that happens because I don't think I could continue as we are indefinitely (it was hard enough WFH last year with a 4 year old and pregnant with twins and feeling like I did it all on my own)

when he gets in from work he doesn't sleep every day - there will Be days he needs to pick the children up - he can go to bed extra early if needs be but 3-5 he needs to be present, awake and pitch in

I'm not picking up after him even though part of the week I'll WFH as far as I'm concerned I'm working and not his mother or his maid

One day on the weekend is family time - fed up of feeling like a single parent taking the children out for activities on my own

Is it not possible for him to look for a different job?

You’re right it will get easier when the nursery is back probably even more with school. I find it hard that it’s me doing every bed time (bar one), every wake up and most weekends alone it doesn’t feel like there’s an off. Although I suspect that’s just children

The 3-5pm is a window where I could get out but that’s also the only time I see him and we’re a family.

I’ve said before he needs to think about a different job, it’s not transferable really so he’d need to retrain.

It’s normally 8hrs but can be 12hrs, the overtime is absorbed and wouldn’t count towards time off unfortunately

I don’t see why the OP shouldn’t expect help from the other parent of her DC just because he works nights . How many hours does he do OP? Can’t be more than 8 if he works 6 nights.

Surely he can take over with the DC for a few hours a day before or after work so you can get done work done?

Do you have to keep DC quiet while he’s sleeping in the day? That just adds more stress.

He really should be doing everything he can to find another job. Night work is not conducive to family life at all but it probably suits him to have a get out clause so he doesn’t have to do anything in the house or with his kid?

DH worked nights for a few years and it was horrendous. We had toddler twins and an older DC and I remember constantly trying to keep them quiet so he could sleep. I didn’t have to WFH either. He told me that quite a few of his colleagues marriages broke up due to them working nights!

What can't he help with the children? What are his hours?

My ex husband does nights and did when we were together and I feel you I spent the holidays keeping the kids quite so dad could sleep ( my husband wasn't a very nice character even more so if he'd been woken early )
He never went to parents consultations , sports days hospital appointments , and in fact even on his day off it was spent doing nothing because I work nights all week.
What bugged me is on days when I was working he'd need to be at school for 3 pm but wouldn't go to sleep till 9am and then nag the he'll out of everyone because she's tired .
Now he's not with us it isn't much better. , he has the children for tea every other Saturday one or two may stay till 10am on a Sunday , he picked my youngest up Tuesday last week brought her home and stayed 10 mins that's all he's doing .
He says its because he works nights .

What are his hours? Surely he doesn't just work and sleep?
My niece's husband works 10pm until 7am. Home by 7.30 in time for breakfast with kids. Often does school drop off. Sleeps from 9.00ish until 4ish and is around for the family until he leaves at 9.15pm.

I worked over 30 years on nights.

For several years I was a single parent with my eldest who was 12 living with me. ( My Aunt slept over during the week ).

Several years later I repaid a debt by looking after the same Aunt who had become severely disabled full time AND still working nights.

When I was married, and the kids were young, during the school holidays I came home from work and stopped all day while she went to work. It was a killer.

I imagine the lifestyle you have is partly due to the extra money he earns through shifts.

You have my sympathy. A full time Mum especially if she is working is the hardest job in the world.

I have sympathy for him. My good friend could get by on three hours a day. I needed eight. But you are always in sleep deficit. The phone rings, the dogs bark, a parcel is delivered, car horns blare....

Even on an unconscious level, you hear it. One bad days sleep carries through for the rest of the week. Approximately every four or five weeks I’d crash for the entire weekend. I didn’t want to, I hated doing it, I didn’t want to spend my life asleep. It badly affected relationships, but bills needed to be paid.

And people say, get him to change jobs, but it isn’t that easy, is it !?

I don’t know what the answer is. Perhaps more help from family and friends to give you a break. Him to establish a slightly more beneficial routine

Difficult.

My dh works permanent nights.

He leaves at around 8.30 pm so is around for the after school pick up tea time dog walking etc etc and then he works till between 4 and 7 am depending.

I get the dc up and do the morning routine before I go to work for the day.
Dh sleeps till around 2-3 pm and then is around to do the things that need doing and to spend time with the kids.

Yes it's hard because every evening I'm alone and I do miss him then but we have two full days off together a week one of them altogether as a family.

Is he spending a long time asleep?

Nursery being closed does not help. Is there an alternative like a CM you can use?

If there is a window between 3pm and 5pm where you can escape and be out of the house by yourself, then take it with both hands. Fuck family time, your sanity is much, much, more important at this moment. This will really make all of the difference.

I was in a similar boat OP. Except I was home with the kids all day while DH went out to work. Then I worked evenings when DH came home. I spent 3 years gradually deteriorating until I had a nervous breakdown and got a new job.

@Justkeeprollingalong in my case he works 10-6 but likes to leave for work at 8:30pm as he likes to sit in the canteen and have coffee .
He would come home and normally be in bed by 7:30 up at 5:30 . Unless I was working a late and then he'd stay up till 9 am and get up 3pm . Madness really he saw the children all day on a Sunday only , now it's Saturday evenings .
I might add the day shift is only 40p less than the night shift

@Idiotathome79 so he had 10 hrs sleep whilst you wore yourself out? No wonder he's an ex 💐

@Justkeeprollingalong that and many other reason 😂