Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone met up with an ex a while after the break up to let them know exactly the hurt they have caused?

28 replies

Tinkytots · 07/05/2021 16:48

I am nearly a year down the line from separating from my husband.
He out of the blue said he didn’t love me and wanted to separate, pulled the rug from under me completely leaving me with our 2 toddlers. Turned out he had been having an affair with numerous women, this discovery of the man he really is floored me and continues to.
He has the children for 2 overnights a week, I can’t bear the sight of him. He wants us to be amicable and while I am civil, I do not want to be friends with him.
I am still so hurt by his actions and I feel that he has in ways ruined my life.
I don’t expect to ever get any answers from him but I would love to sit down with him and tell him exactly the hurt he has caused me and that I’m not healed and may never be. I feel he needs to know what he has done.
Maybe it’s me being totally ridiculous to even think this is a good idea but I really can’t move past all the things he said/did. During the breakup he refused to even talk about it. I would imagine if I asked he would agree to meet but I wouldn’t be so silly as to expect any answers but I just want him to know

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 07/05/2021 16:51

Men like this simply don't care. They just want their dick serviced by as many women as possible.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2021 16:52

Deep down he knows. He just doesn't care enough, unfortunately. I don't think you'll get the answers you need or want. 💐

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/05/2021 16:52

I tried to tell my ex a few times but he always ended up turning it all around on me, so I wished I hadn’t bothered.

You could write it in a letter maybe? Most people will probably say not to bother, but I can see it could possibly be therapeutic, as long as you don’t expect any particular response and get upset when you don’t get it....

Good luck. Your ex sounds like a dick!

shockthemonkey · 07/05/2021 16:55

No, sorry, that sounds like a very bad idea.

He won't care... or worse, you'll be stroking his ego.

NailsNeedDoing · 07/05/2021 16:56

God no! Never let him know how much it hurts because he won’t acknowledge it honestly even if by some chance he does reply with whatever it is you want to hear. It will either be too uncomfortable for him to acknowledge so he will push it out of his mind, or he won’t give a shit and it won’t take up any space in his mind anyway. You will end up feeling worse.

Write it all in a letter to him, just don’t send it.

litterbird · 07/05/2021 17:01

Yes, I met up with mine who suddenly left ( it was for a secret OW). I hated him, he destroyed my life for a while. 3 years later he wanted to meet for coffee, he was the one crying now. I sat there and told him what he had done, how he affected myself and my daughter. He was destroyed as I was now strong and over him. He was a shell of his former self and still to this day contacts me sometimes to chat. I will never go back to him or how he made me feel . I drove home punching the air with delight as I realised how far I had moved on. He text me later that day saying he had cried all the way home realising he had made a terrible mistake 3 years previously. I haven't looked back from that day and it was a triumph for me considering what his disappearance put me through. I wrote a post about it 3 or 4 years ago on here.

Mermaidwaves · 07/05/2021 17:06

My exH cheated with several women during our marriage and when I've tried to discuss it he justifies the cheating by blaming me.
"You didn't show me enough attention"
"You put on weight and let yourself go"
"She chased me and did all the running"
"You didn't make me feel wanted"

He paints himself as a victim! I think a lot of people, men and women justify affairs by blaming their partner, you see it here on threads by women who are having affairs. He won't give you the answers you need I suspect so you will end up feeling worse.

wigjuice · 07/05/2021 17:12

Not a chance in hell would I reduce myself to doing that. The only outcome would be to stroke their ego. Forget the fucker and move on.

wigjuice · 07/05/2021 17:13

Write everything down, then burn it.

Sssloou · 07/05/2021 17:13

@litterbird

Yes, I met up with mine who suddenly left ( it was for a secret OW). I hated him, he destroyed my life for a while. 3 years later he wanted to meet for coffee, he was the one crying now. I sat there and told him what he had done, how he affected myself and my daughter. He was destroyed as I was now strong and over him. He was a shell of his former self and still to this day contacts me sometimes to chat. I will never go back to him or how he made me feel . I drove home punching the air with delight as I realised how far I had moved on. He text me later that day saying he had cried all the way home realising he had made a terrible mistake 3 years previously. I haven't looked back from that day and it was a triumph for me considering what his disappearance put me through. I wrote a post about it 3 or 4 years ago on here.
This is the only way to do it - if ever.

When you are healed and strong.

Never when you are vulnerable. You have a lot to recover from - and the person who hurt you is never the person to heal you.

Your anger and rage is valid - it needs expressing and processing in a safe healthy controlled way.

I am sorry this has happened to you - is there an opportunity to seek some emotional support.

This hasn’t ruined your life - forever - it has turned it upside down for now. This is still very early days.

Keep your power to fuel your recovery.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 07/05/2021 17:18

@litterbird that is a fantastic story. You must have felt amazing! Sucks to be him Grin

I agree wholeheartedly with @Sssloou's post

username48582 · 07/05/2021 17:35

Also agree with @Sssloou. If you did it right now whilst you are still very hurt it would probably just stoke his ego and I highly doubt you would get any apology/explanation that didn't anger you further. Also agree with writing a letter but not sending it.

The best revenge is to move on and hopefully one day live a life that is better than he could ever have given you.

ifyougetthechancedoit · 07/05/2021 17:45

Please don't do this. There's a high chance it will make things worse. Write it all down, and keep writing it down until you work through it (you may need to do this several times over a period of weeks or months). You're the one in pain not him, the only person who can make that pain go away is you (which is actually a good thing when you think about it).

fedup078 · 08/05/2021 07:32

It will just make you feel worse

isthismylifenow · 08/05/2021 07:39

No don't do it.

It gives the power back to him by knowing this.

Just live well, that is the greatest way to let him get the message that you've moved on.

isthismylifenow · 08/05/2021 07:43

Agree to writing it all down. I did that and I have it in a word document. I read it again during last year and I'm shocked to some of the stuff I just forgot about. But it was definitely a weight off my shoulders writing it. Obvs I never sent it. Some stuff is not worth remembering tbh, and reading that back 5 years layers made it glaring clear how much better off I am now.

Cally23 · 08/05/2021 07:43

I have toyed with this over the years since my divorce. I'm glad I didn't, it will never go how you want. Even the therapist at the time said it was pointless. Men like this are seldom remorseful or have empathy for you. Mine will have rewritten our entire marriage and have deflected all the blame on me for him running off with OW.

Their disrespect is the only closure you need.

Cally23 · 08/05/2021 07:45

@litterbird good for you!! I love an outcome tike thus.

Dozer · 08/05/2021 07:45

Doubt it’d be useful. Eg he might come out with ‘the script’ and say things you find hurtful and unfair.

Cally23 · 08/05/2021 07:45
  • Like this!!!
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 07:47

My selfish ex would not give a shit if I sat him down and told him how badly he has damaged my life. he just doesn't care and I suspect by the action of your ex he doesn't either.
I found it better to talk to a counsellor and work out my feelings that way.

midnightstar66 · 08/05/2021 07:47

He already knows but isn't bothered. His reaction will probably anger you more. I'd not bother personally,having been in a similar situation but longer ago. I couldn't care less now but we'll definitely never be friends. You don't have to be.

midnightstar66 · 08/05/2021 07:51

Also whole heartedly agree with @Sssloou that you aren't close to being in the place for a victory of @litterbird 's example. That might come later if he ends up alone and feeling sorry for himself but at the moment the outcome would only end in you feeling worse and him secretly delighted that he's still so important.

CarnageRoundTheMayPole · 08/05/2021 08:16

@NailsNeedDoing

God no! Never let him know how much it hurts because he won’t acknowledge it honestly even if by some chance he does reply with whatever it is you want to hear. It will either be too uncomfortable for him to acknowledge so he will push it out of his mind, or he won’t give a shit and it won’t take up any space in his mind anyway. You will end up feeling worse.

Write it all in a letter to him, just don’t send it.

That is what I was going to say. Write a letter to him, read it through then throw it away. It will be cathartic. I’m so sorry you are going through this 💐
Backtoworknightmare · 08/05/2021 09:59

It won't touch him OP. For one of two reasons: he either doesn't care, or he can't allow himself to care, because if he does the guilt will overwhelm him. Either way it won't touch him other than to make him feel very very significant still.

Put your energies into shoring yourself up.