Ex won't pick up the phone

[shiningcuckoo]

My ex husband and I have been apart for 4 years. He lives with his girlfriend who he left for and I live alone. The kids spend time with us 50/50. I have been diagnosed with lung cancer - I had it a couple of years ago and had a big operation and it's returned. My treatment will mean me going to a city a 6 hour drive away for radiotherapy. I'll have to be there for 5 weeks. I can't see any option other than the kids staying with him, although I will be allowed one trip home for a weekend and the health authority will pay for my kids to come to me for one visit. But I can't relay any of this info because my ex won't take my calls or call me back when I leave a message. I really don't want to send a text - it's really difficult talking about it anyway but to send this news in a text seems, I don't know, humiliating. I could send an email but he never ever answers these either and I have no idea if he receives them.
What to do?

What about a letter? Would be listen to a voice message? Or is there someone family/friend who could act as an intermediary?

You'll have to text using stark, factual language I'm afraid. This needs sorting out ASAP.

Do you have any contact with the woman he lives with?

How old are the children? Could they say you need to speak to him urgently?
How awful , is he like this all the time ? How can you communicate about the children ?
Good luck with the treatment.

I don't know if he will listen to a voice message or read a letter.. the kids are 14. Twins. So most things to sort out I do with them. The woman he lives with and my former friend won't have anything to do with me either. And he deceived me - it's not like I have treated him terribly beyond what I would consider an expected level of distain.

And yes. He is normally like this. He is an arse and the kids object to going to his place everytime. Last time I had a tumour 2 years ago I was forced to message him and he messaged back that I deserved it.

Do you have anyone else the kids could stay with? Or someone to stay in your home with them?

If they don't like going to his - it's not ideal for them to stay with their father and his girlfriend.

Then you need to rearrange everything. Great addition to your current stress levels.

Find someone else, maybe a group for the kids' friends, who will take them for a week or so each. Maybe an adult or two who will sleep in your house for a week or so, bring the kids to visist you when you can manage it.

Don't carry on trying to tell him. He knows you are trying to contact him. He and work out why later.

And at 14 the kids can choose not to visit him.

Grab all the local support you can. And then concentrate on you!

Best of luck organising everything without him!

[[@shiningcuckoo]]]

I am so sorry OP. what an awful situation.
FWIW, if I was your friend I would offer to have your DC. Indeed I have, over the years, had a variety of teenagers (my DC's friends) to stay when they were having a difficult time. Your DC are old enough to cope with a bit of support. It might be worth asking if school could offer some suggestions. Your friends might be able to rally round.

The kids don't want to go so you need an alternative - why should you put up with his abuse over a perfectly normal amount of contact

Say nothing, have someone come and stay with the kids - or send them to grandparents? (Shame him and send them to his parents?)

Is your prognosis good? Are you likely to deteriorate ?

Give your DC a letter to pass on to him. Ask them only to make sure he reads it in front of them. In the letter be clear his DC will need to stay with him for 6 weeks and include the dates. On the date you go into hospital send the DC with sufficient clothing for that period. He will have no choice then to care for them.

No parents I'm afraid. My mum and dad are both dead and his mum is on the other side of the world. I have no siblings. The kids are my only family. I don't have a wide circle of friends. Only lived here for 3 years - moved to escape my ex and his gf parading all over the small community where we all lived. Then, guess what, 18 months later they moved to the town where I live. I can think of no one who could have my kids for such a long period and I don't have enough friends to share the load.

This is a bit out there but could you apply for short term fostering ( it covers hospital stays) or could you contact any of the cancer charities for advice. You can’t be the only person that has been in this situation.
Or contact the friends you do have and see what, if anything, they can offer. I would definitely help a friend in your situation, even if not super close. I’m sorry you have this added worry flowers

Just a thought OP but is there anyway you could call the Macmillon charity and ask them if there is anything they can do to help you. They might be able to intercede on your behalf or suggest something useful.

Sorry for your illness

@shiningcuckoo

I know this sounds scary but have you thought of contacting social services?;temporary foster care isn't just for children that been removed.You're in an awful situation and and the kids don't want to be with their father and further more he ignores you.

(((HUG)))
I'm so sorry the cancer has returned.

I'm also sorry you EX is a complete & utter bastard. That's not the dirt if thing a decent person would say to anyone, let alone the mother of his children & someone he once claimed to love.

Beyond that I'm very sorry you don't have your parents or a good network of friends to help you through this.

Your whole situation is huge & hard - but you will get through it. You're clearly a strong person.

Do the kids know the situation? If they do, do they have any suggestions? I'd have any of the DC's friends, even if I didn't know the parents snd I'd have the the kids if I only knew the parent.

How soon do you need to go to the hospital (sorry if I missed that in your posts)

YourEx & Ex friend are nasty bastards - im sorry.

Do speak to the HT at their school. They will have some ideas and contacts, I am sure.

Thank you for the suggestions. Yes, the kids know. I have been very open with them. I also know that they haven't told him although I've said they can and should if they want. I'll probably be in hospital the week after next. I absolutely don't have friends who can help me for the whole time. Certainly no one who can stay. And no one who would be in a position to come with me either. I probably need to try a few more times to make contact before I give up.

I wouldnt. Speak to HT first thing monday. If the dc dont like going there, this situation could actually work in their interests in the long run. He will have proved to everyone he is an unfit parent IMO. They would be better off with a kind foster parent than an abusive parent.

I forgot to say that I have already spoken to the principal to give her the heads up. I'm not sure how she can help beyond being sympathetic though.

Hi are you considering the temporary foster care or calling the cancer charities? I wouldn’t keep focusing on your ex

Yep I have called The Cancer Society. They can offer some simple supports but can't suggest what I can do about my children. I don't live in the UK and our version of SS doesn't offer a service for temporary foster care in circumstances like mine. In honesty I wouldn't want to get involved with them. They are adversarial and dangerous. The system around child welfare is broken. I see it first hand.

I wish I knew you and we were friends. I’d happily have my friend’s children to save them further abuse in such a difficult time.

I hope you get some support xxx

Thank you.