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Original poster

Advice about sex life needed

48 replies

Elishalittle · 07/05/2021 08:22

Hiya! Looking for some advice! But I need to set the scene first!

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, I'm 29 and he is 31. We get on like a house on fire; he makes me laugh so much, we have a house together, no kids, couple of pets - everything is literally great - apart from our sex life!!!

When we first got together, as most couples do, we had sex probably twice a week. Naturally, this dwindled down but now it's roughly once a month (twice a month on VERY rare occasions).

I feel like I have quite a high sex drive, so I've discussed the frequency of our sex before - he said he is "always up for it" but he literally never initiates it. It is always me that has to initiate it and to be honest, all I want is for sometimes him to make a move so that I feel wanted and desired. Currently, if I don't make any move on him - it won't happen.

When we do have sex, it's the same things we do each time - I'd like to spice it up a bit but I can't work out how we do that as I think we have completely different ideas for spicing it up 😂

He also sometimes has trouble getting (and keeping) an erection which puts more pressure on us when we have sex, and to add to that even more - the last time we had sex, he snapped his banjo 🤦🏽‍♀️ he says it's now fixed but we haven't had sex since that happened. I've tried dressing up for him before but he couldn't get an erection when that happened, then he said to me I didn't need to make myself look like that for him, but then whenever he sees women in movies or adverts wearing the sort of thing I was, he always passes comment about how they look nice!!!

Weekend just gone; we were driving somewhere and he said "you're my bestest mate you know" to which I said "did you just friend zone me?!" (In a jokey way). He then said "of course not, but we do need to have sex! We will definitely have sex this weekend". And then nothing. We didn't have sex.

Last night I brought it up that we still hadn't had sex, so he then said about getting an "early night" which I read as a bit of action 😉 we both went to bed with a glass of wine, and then he falls asleep.

I am at the end of my tether. I have no clue what to do here. I completely am ready for getting older and my sex life dwindling; but my sex life has been like this for the past 6 years now and I'm just lost what to do! As I say, we don't have kids, we genuinely have a nice life! It's just the one thing that isn't right with us!!

We're getting married next year and I'm terrified I'm doing the wrong thing. What should I do?!

OP posts:
lookingatwoodseeingtrees · 07/05/2021 08:34

I married someone with no/terrible sex and told myself it didn't matter. Now divorcing. It does matter if you're being rejected.

InkieNecro · 07/05/2021 08:42

Do not get married! No no no! This is a massive thing, you're too young to have this as your life, you know statistics show sex tends to dwindle after marriage unless both partners put in effort.

Also, twice a week at the beginning? That's not actually a lot and it sounds like he has never had a high sex drive.

Please don't marry him, you will be sad and get divorced. If you want children it's also unlikely to happen with his attitude.

MinesAPintOfTea · 07/05/2021 08:42

Don’t get married! If he doesn’t see a problem and therefore don’t want to fix it, nothing will ever change. Call the wedding off while you work on this, blood tests, talking etc, and see if you can get there.

I only got to this point after DS was born, so stuck it out for longer than I should have.

redtshirt50 · 07/05/2021 08:47

I broke up with someone because our sex life became like this, I too thought it wasn't a big deal at first that it would get better but it never did.

He just didn't have the same interest in sex as me, and it's not something you can force so ultimately we weren't compatible.

It was hard because I loved him. But ultimately, I wasn't happy in the relationship because of the sex. My resentment grew and grew and it eventually started affecting our whole relationship.

I would see sex everywhere, in books I was reading, in TV shows, in restaurants, I would look at other couples and wonder if they'd go home and have sex. It was horrible.

If it's a big deal to you (which it seems like it is) then you need to have a very serious discussion about it before you get married. He needs to understand that it can't carry on like this if you're going to be married and he needs to be really willing to work on it.

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 08:50

  1. You're 29 Shock not 'older'
  1. Twice a week at the start of a relationship is incredibly low temperature IMO - was that really as frequent as it got? I'm not sure he has ever had that high a sex drive.
  1. He sounds as if the pain of the frenulum tear/banjo injury may have frightened him, quite reasonably - I think women's fear of sex post a painful experience is routinely underestimated but perhaps that's also the case for him. TBH my boyfriend had a little injury the first time we had sex, but it was the first time for 4 years for him and it hasn't put him off - at all - though we did have to give it a little time to heal.

In general I would consider that this might have run its course.

redtshirt50 · 07/05/2021 08:50

I also worried we'd never have kids because you can't have kids without having sex!

flashylamp · 07/05/2021 08:51

He also sometimes has trouble getting (and keeping) an erection

If he can address this issue it will probably help. Infrequent sex is common among men with erectile disorders.

starbrightstarlight8888 · 07/05/2021 08:54

Twice a week at the start of a relationship is very low. That's what it dwindles down to after 20 years! It sounds like he doesn't have a high sex drive. Is that something you could live with? I know I couldn't.

Tomyoneandonly · 07/05/2021 09:04

Do not get married as you will end up permanently frustrated. Have you thought about sex toys? Buy one they can help. Twice a week when you first met is low. Most couples have sex nearly everyday when they first become in a relationship. I wouldn't be able to do 2 a month I would give up on him. If I was you I would buy yourself a sex toy and wait for him to make an effort. If no effort is made then reavaluate your relationship in the long term.

Luckingfovely · 07/05/2021 09:07

Twice a night is how most relationships start!

Sadly I don't think you're compatible - sex is clearly not a priority for him as it is for you. And if you're fed up of it at your age, please don't waste the rest of your life in that fashion.

I suggest doing the friend zone thing for real Grin

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 09:09

His sex drive is lower than yours, that will never change in fact it will get lower as he ages

I’ve been in relationships with women who’s sex drive is a bit lower then mine and (much) higher than mine, which was fun at the beginning, but a bit wearing (no pun intended) , towards the end

Sorry but, You both need to find better matched people, as it will only get worse

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 09:12

Do not marry this man! Do you really think the best you deserve for the rest of your life is a sex life that's totally unsatisfying for you? He won't own his ED and issues with having had an injury. So he'll never change and will likely worsen.

You're not compatible with this person, he's friend zone. He's happy with little to no sex. That's fine. But not for you.

Adelais · 07/05/2021 09:25

Does he masturbate? Watch porn?
I would rethink the wedding if nothing improves by then.

HaggisBurger · 07/05/2021 09:41

@lookingatwoodseeingtrees

I married someone with no/terrible sex and told myself it didn't matter. Now divorcing. It does matter if you're being rejected.
Yup. This. Me too. It probably won’t get better.

I can’t think of anything less sexy than someone saying to me “I must have sex with you” in the same way I’d say “I must put the bins out”. And I had exactly they dynamic in my marriage. It’s awful. I’m not a chore. Honestly this is your chance to get out.

Original poster
Elishalittle · 07/05/2021 09:50

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Do not marry this man! Do you really think the best you deserve for the rest of your life is a sex life that's totally unsatisfying for you? He won't own his ED and issues with having had an injury. So he'll never change and will likely worsen.

You're not compatible with this person, he's friend zone. He's happy with little to no sex. That's fine. But not for you.

Do you think it's possible if we talked it through things could get better?? I love him so much so really don't want to part, but as everyone has said here, it's such an important part! I'm just so lost as to what to do
OP posts:
Sakurami · 07/05/2021 09:51

I'm in my 50s and have sex with my bf every day I'm with him, often twice. We don't live together but see each other 50% of the time. I've never been in a relationship where it has only been twice a week at the start and I don't think I have a particularly high drive.

I think he needs to find out if he has something physical - if his mind is willing but his body isn't. Or if he's gay or something. I'm not an expert but I haven't been with any man who hasn't always been up for sex.

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 10:05

Do you think it's possible if we talked it through things could get better?? I love him so much so really don't want to part, but as everyone has said here, it's such an important part! I'm just so lost as to what to do

No, in a relationship the person who has lower sex drive generally dictates the frequency, no amount of talking will make him want to have more sex, in fact it will probably have the opposite effect

BeetyAxe · 07/05/2021 10:06

Run away, it doesn’t get better. It’s sad but it’s better to break away sooner than later.

nonflirtinghusband · 07/05/2021 10:21

My relationship was just like this. I married him and had children, now we're about to start couples therapy and I'm thinking of leaving. It doesn't get better and it's a whole lot harder to part after marriage and kids.

Iwonder08 · 07/05/2021 10:39

If it is that bad before marriage it can only get worse. Especially if he is not proactively trying to address it.

Hawkins001 · 07/05/2021 10:40

To the posters advocating abandoning the relationship, if this was switch and it was a male asking the question,.would you still advocate abandoning the relationship ?

MinesAPintOfTea · 07/05/2021 10:57

@Hawkins001

To the posters advocating abandoning the relationship, if this was switch and it was a male asking the question,.would you still advocate abandoning the relationship ?
Before children and marriage, I’d say exactly what I did on the subject of blood tests and counselling, then yes. The additional question might be if she was on hormonal contraceptives.
JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 11:07

@Hawkins001

To the posters advocating abandoning the relationship, if this was switch and it was a male asking the question,.would you still advocate abandoning the relationship ?
I’m a man, and 100% yes, if knew my sex life would dry up a couple of years after marriage, I would never have done it.

I would say the same to any man

Original poster
Elishalittle · 07/05/2021 11:08

@Hawkins001

To the posters advocating abandoning the relationship, if this was switch and it was a male asking the question,.would you still advocate abandoning the relationship ?
Interesting! Because he does agree that our sex life needs to be better himself but he just never does anything about it. To the poster below (I can't work out now to reply - new member alert haha) I am not on any contraception, and we have spoken about having children in the next 5 years. Not sure if this puts any sort of spin on things??
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 11:35

'Our sex life needs to be better' isn't really a passionate declaration though. It's more like 'I hear that this is a problem' which isn't bad in itself, but it doesn't suggest any investment in even what would make it better.

My husband dealt with not pressuring me for sex by never initiating. This was a very kind and thoughtful call but I came to hate always having to be the one to set it off (I know it can easily happen the other way, and I know that being pressured for sex is awful).

What does 'more sex' mean to you? More penis in vagina? More touching or intimacy? More evidence of desire, e.g. more noise/talking, more intense touch or holding? More orgasms? All of the above? As a thought experiment, if your sex life did look 'better', what specifically would have changed for you - nitty gritty? What would it look like for him? You said you had different ideas on what could spice it up; that's not unusual; have you tried any of them? Has he? Was the dressing up his idea or yours?