Advice about sex life needed

[Elishalittle]

Hiya! Looking for some advice! But I need to set the scene first!

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, I'm 29 and he is 31. We get on like a house on fire; he makes me laugh so much, we have a house together, no kids, couple of pets - everything is literally great - apart from our sex life!!!

When we first got together, as most couples do, we had sex probably twice a week. Naturally, this dwindled down but now it's roughly once a month (twice a month on VERY rare occasions).

I feel like I have quite a high sex drive, so I've discussed the frequency of our sex before - he said he is "always up for it" but he literally never initiates it. It is always me that has to initiate it and to be honest, all I want is for sometimes him to make a move so that I feel wanted and desired. Currently, if I don't make any move on him - it won't happen.

When we do have sex, it's the same things we do each time - I'd like to spice it up a bit but I can't work out how we do that as I think we have completely different ideas for spicing it up 😂

He also sometimes has trouble getting (and keeping) an erection which puts more pressure on us when we have sex, and to add to that even more - the last time we had sex, he snapped his banjo 🤦🏽‍♀️ he says it's now fixed but we haven't had sex since that happened. I've tried dressing up for him before but he couldn't get an erection when that happened, then he said to me I didn't need to make myself look like that for him, but then whenever he sees women in movies or adverts wearing the sort of thing I was, he always passes comment about how they look nice!!!

Weekend just gone; we were driving somewhere and he said "you're my bestest mate you know" to which I said "did you just friend zone me?!" (In a jokey way). He then said "of course not, but we do need to have sex! We will definitely have sex this weekend". And then nothing. We didn't have sex.

Last night I brought it up that we still hadn't had sex, so he then said about getting an "early night" which I read as a bit of action 😉 we both went to bed with a glass of wine, and then he falls asleep.

I am at the end of my tether. I have no clue what to do here. I completely am ready for getting older and my sex life dwindling; but my sex life has been like this for the past 6 years now and I'm just lost what to do! As I say, we don't have kids, we genuinely have a nice life! It's just the one thing that isn't right with us!!

We're getting married next year and I'm terrified I'm doing the wrong thing. What should I do?!

I agree sex twice a week in the early days is very low, at that stage people are usually at it like rabbit's.

If it was me I couldn't stay. When DH and me first moved in together we had sex pretty much daily. Now 10 years on and DS later it averages about once a week. We'd both like it a bit more often but life gets in the way.

You have to decide if you can live with it getting even less often. You are so young

We are in our 50's...been together six years...we make love at least once a week...not always full intercourse as time may not permit...but certainly lots of cuddling and oral sex...If you are as infrequent as you say then I don't think it will improve...

Hey there, Has he been to the GP?

He obviously loves you, youre communicating and hes up for sex. Sounds mechanical to me.

We've been there.

DH had mumps just when we were due to get married...7 years later and a kid later we assumed all was fine. DH had always been fair and less hairy....

BUT. it wasnt right. he was obviously interested in me, loved me but... the rest was tricky. I found it so difficult. kack of postive feedback is tricky.

He started to get tired, not quite his optimistic self....

SO. After years went past I kicked his butt to the doctor. We went together, he was referred . I wasnt able to go with him (im disabled and often miss crap cos im ill)but i also wanted him to go himself.

A lot of what you wrote felt very familiar.

And heres the good bit...It has turned out great!

He was diagnosed with not having enough testosterone. This is really important if your other half has this as it can damage heart and lung system and general is not good for the body.

The cause for my DH cant be cured so each day he pops some testosterone gell on his belly. Takes 10 seconds per day..

BUT WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

There were physical changes such as he got much more hair, he lost belly weight.... but much more importantly he became himself again. my happy, life loving husband.

he had always been affectionate and was interested in sex and with me.... When he had erection problems we got creative. Sex doesnt have to focus on a penis. but it had so eroded his self confidence which DID effect our sex life in ways you mentioned.

DH gets erections but on his own not enough for penetration. Its a mechanical, medical problem..... that has effetive treatments. We had to try a few differernt meds and have found what works for us.... I have the limp to prove it ;)

I inititate sex in our relationship because it depends on my disabled body... so.. if we have space from our daughter etc... we have a little code..... he takes a pill .... later on ..... life is right up there again woohoo! Its very natural (he's not wooden for hours like on TV)

Now, his ability to have this means he has grown in confidence in all sex (with or without the pill) but also at his work and his every day life.

In some ways its a massive change...but really we just have his normal function and life back. Plus the health benefits too.

If he finds this difficult to think about do show him this post and how its been for us. My DH of course found it tricky at first but the benefits..... massive for us.

And also.... id look into aaaaaaall the other kinds of sex.

Watching each other self pleasure is great fun... etc etc. We watch things together, talking and fantasising is brilliant.

For all the difficulties we have against us... in a big way its made us widen the menu massively. We have less frequent sex for various reasons (flipping kids, tiredness, my disability, his shifts, life!....)but this happens to all couples. Doesnt mean a bad sex life.

Communication is key.

Can you talk more?

It interests me how folks would reply if this was a man talking about his wife having these difficulties.

Would you really say run?

Leave OP! It won’t get better! Definitely don’t marry him or you’ll feel very trapped!

I left my ex (had only been together a year but were 28 and I loved him) because of this. It just totally trashed my self-confidence and I started fancying other blokes, which was no good. I’m so so happy I left as I met now DH and we are much more compatible.

I know it will be very difficult to split but it will be much more difficult to divorce!

And yes I would say the same to a man. Everyone deserves to be happy in their relationship and no we’d is a deal breaker for many people!

It's just the one thing that isn't right with us

It may just be one thing, but it's a MASSIVE thing. Sorry OP, I know it's tough, but a (virtually) sexless relationship will make a terrible marriage. It is devastating to end a relationship that is good in every other way for lack of sex, but unless you're both happy living sexless lives (which you dont seem to be), unfortunately there is no other real choice.

@mumblecrumble

It interests me how folks would reply if this was a man talking about his wife having these difficulties.

Would you really say run?

Yes, Would also say gender and relationship doesn’t really matter, if the person was M or F or the relationship was M/F or F/F or M/M, if the sex isn’t working and other person doesn’t want to address the issue then time to separate

I do see differences in how people post to women and men in different situations but there is often a huge difference in HOW women and men present the issue and the bits they think are important.

Twice a week at the very start of a relationship in your early 20s is minimal tbh, unless you never see each other. It suggests a structural difference in sex drive that is now coming to the fore. I have immensely happy memories of my most sexual relationship at that age and let's just say we would have been mystified at the idea of twice a week being any kind of sex life. Obviously after 10 or 20 years together twice a week might be just fine.

My question about contraceptives was just to illustrate the only difference I would have when dealing with a man talking about his female partner’s low sex drive. When not married and no children.

@mumblecrumble

It interests me how folks would reply if this was a man talking about his wife having these difficulties.

Would you really say run?

Absolutely, and have done in the past. Sexual incompatibility and money differences/issues are huge in relationships.

I'm very sorry, op, but you can love someone and still need to leave them. You are incompatible with this man, and it will only get worse if he is already like this at such a young age. Marrying him would be the biggest mistake of your life.

If it's like this in your twenties without kids, I'd only go into marriage right now if you're happy to be celibate for much of your life. That's a very real possibility.

I would advise you to break up. If mumsnet had been around when I married, I might well have done the same myself. DH was never that keen on sex though I can't recall the frequency of the early days. To be fair, at the time I wasn't keen either. I always enjoyed foreplay but piv wasn't that good for me and I had no internet to refer to in those days. I stupidly thought things would change on marriage but they didn't. I taught myself to masturbate around that time and did so frequently when he was out. It sounds stupid but I never considered leaving him. I loved him and we got on very well. I wanted a family and we had to force ourselves to have sex more often once I realised I hadn't conceived quickly. (I expected to as I had previously fallen pregnant by accident).

Sex under those circumstances put me off more so I kind of accepted what we did have until years later when he suffered from ED. We were busy with kids by then and I had quite an early menopause that stopped me even thinking much about sex. We just carried on as we were until we eventually never had sex. It upset me but I was busy with work and family and it's only more recently now my libido has returned that I really regret it. We've talked about it and tried to re start but it's been a slow process and its usually me who raises the subject.

Our marriage has had quite a few other stresses that have meant we haven't had much time for each other and that has weakened our bond. I'm not at the point of leaving yet (maybe never will) but have certainly thought about it and I'm sure a good sex life would have meant we weren't in this position (as when we do cuddle up and try I feel much closer to him.)

Difficult decision but better to make it now.

Hello I can completely relate to this, I'm 28 no kids or marriage been together 9 years rented house, I to have a higher sex drive and he is only up for it about once twice month aswell, I love him and hurts me to think of leaving, it all boils down to if you think you can cope with it long term, we still have intamicy hugging kissing ect and as long as you feel loved I quess it's up to you what you decide but for me I look into his eyes and hurts me to leave someone I love care for. Message me if you want some more help be happy to talk 🥰 xx not alone!

I think you need to have a frank chat. I'm not a man but can only imaging if I had difficulty maintaining an erection and also snapped my banjo string I'd be terrified of sex.
If everything else is good it's worth a few embarrassed sober conversations about how he feels about your sex life and how you feel. You both might have to compromise a bit but I'm sure you could find a happier medium if you both understand each other a little more in this area
Good luck

As others have said 2x a week at the start of a relationship in your early 20's is pretty low. I'm 51 and bf of 2 years and I are still at it daily when together.
I was in an 18 year relationship with mismatched sex drives (mine is very high) and for the last 3 years there was no sex. I hadn't realised how much it affected me until I was out of it.
You need to think whether you can cope with this for the rest of your life if you decide to go ahead and get married.

When guys have problems getting it up, it can eat away at them and cause them to avoid having sex in fear the problem will happen again - it’s like a vicious circle. It is usually never because of the partner, it’s more of a psychological problem.

It sounds like there is a lot of love in this relationship which means you can definitely work on it. Rather than putting pressure on sex, try to enjoy other ways of being intimate. This may allow him to relax more and build up his confidence. Is this something you’ve tried?

When he does fail to get an erection, how do you react? If it’s of disappointment or frustration, the odds are it will replay in his mind over and over and he will fear disappointing you again.

Don't marry him. It won't get better.

I married someone who had a much lower sex drive than me.
Over the years it got worse and the rejection ate away at my self esteem.

I'm now divorced and I've been with my DP for 9 months now. We have sex several times a day when we see each other. Twice a week in the beginning is not much.

I’m sorry for you as I was in a relationship like this and i ended it. I wanted to feel desired and sexy - not just being a mate. I’m no w with someone with a high sex drive who wants sex all the time! Trust me it makes a massive difference to your self esteem. You’re too young to settle for this.

Do either of you actually know what you like sexually? Have you ever had a deep conversation about your desires and kinks? You both sound quite inexperienced, did you have many relationships before? I’ve been with Dh 15 years and we dtd twice a week nowadays so starting out at that is actually quite low. Definitely wouldn’t describe it as a high sex drive. Is the sex you have good when he can get it up? Do you both orgasm?

You need a deep, honest conversation with him and he needs to look into his erection problems.